Pakistani Cannibals

Just when you thought this place couldn’t get any weirder they went and did this.  By this I mean ate people.  Wait, stop.  Let me talk like a normal person so you could pick up what I’m putting down.  Two brothers from Pakistan were arrested for digging up corpses and devouring their flesh.  Think of it as Walking Dead, Flesh Eating Human Disease, People Eating People, whatever, I don’t care, just think of it.

Anyways, these two fine young cannibals were arrested before for eating approximately 100 corpses, here. I repeat, THEY ATE 100 CORPSES!!  Yet they were released after a short stint in prison, to continue their devouring ways.  Police were alerted that they were up to their old tricks when families complained that their dead relatives were missing.  Police raided the men’s home and found head of boy.  Apparently the body of girl, missing a leg was also found.  The Pakistani Cannibals were said to have cooked the victims up in curry. Yummy!

Rest assured that this time these men would not be leaving their prison confines anytime soon.  At least they shouldn’t.  Sick world I tell ya…

 

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2604350/Boys-HEAD-home-Pakistani-cannibals-dug-100-corpses-local-graveyard-eaten-them.html

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Welcome To The Pen, Now Your Butt Is Mine.

thEveryone knows that in jail you never ever drop the soap.  Well actually dropping it is not the problem but picking it up is another story.  In fact, don’t bend over period. Not in jail. It’s like waving a bone in front of a starving dog.

A very gullible and innocent prisoner from Manitoba Canada learned this lesson the hard way. No pun there.  While bending over to ‘put some food away’ his cell mate grabbed his butt and apparently made crude sexual remarks to the effect of wanting to put something away too.  In the poor guy’s anal cavity.  The victim, gullible as he was, did not take to kindly to this and filed a complaint. Bro, what happens in prison stays in prison.

In his defense, the perp claimed that the victim was actually having a homosexual affair with another cell mate and wanted him out of there. My oh my.  The things that go on behind those steel bars…But it’s quite ok because I really don’t need to know and perhaps you don’t either.

 

Read it here:

http://www.winnipegsun.com/2014/04/08/jail-cell-butt-grab-earns-conviction

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Obama Not Feeling The Vibes To Free Kartel

Miami 2011

Miami 2011 (Photo credit: Tach_RedGold&Green)

When Jamaican deejay and resident bad boy, Vybz Kartel, was found guilty for murder, his fans and family petitioned just about anyone who would listen to let  him go free.  In fact, they even petitioned President Obama! I am serious! They did!  I have a bit of the transcript to prove it.

Fans Representive:  Hey Mr. President, Mon. Yo dun know dat de rude bwoy Vybz him a face life inna prison fu summen him never do?  We want yo fu do someting, mon. Please Missa Prez. Bail im out fu we. Him nah do it!  ah lie dem lie!

Obama:  Excuse me? What are you guys talking about?  I am sorry but I am not feeling the vibes here

Fans Rep.: Sarry mon.  We mean Vybz, Vybz Kartel.  De Dancehall deejay. Ah him rule dancehall.

Obama:  I am sorry but my administration does not and will not negotiate the release of any cartel member. Whether they are deejays or not.

Rep:  No mon, him nah no cartel, him name is Vybz Kartel. He don’t kill no body. Him innocent. Kartel is Gaza!

Obama:  Gaza? He is from the Gaza? Now I’m confused. A cartel from the Gaza strip?  Sorry, but I’m not messing with Israel’s affairs.

Rep: Mister Obama, pardon me mon but yo ah idyat or what? Gaza is a posse.  A gang.  Inna Jamdong, we have the Gaza and Gully gang.  Vybez Kartel, he ah Gaza.

Obama: Hmmm….I am sorry but in order for me to even give your petition serious consideration, you need to have more than the ten signatures you have here.  There’s nothing I could do for whatever that young man name is.  Now please get off the White House lawn.  And for your information, weed is not legal here in Washington.

Rep: (Aside)  Man dis rass clat man useless eh? He nah do nutten to help his own color.  (To Obama) No problem mon.  Nuff respect sah! Big up!

Obama:  Irie.

And that’s how the whole thing went down.  Trust me pon dat!  (Aside) Obama would probably help his own color but considering Vybz does not like his own color and is forever trying to lighten his skin, does he qualify as a ‘brother’?

 

 

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Searchers Find Wing and Piece Of Tail!!

MH 370 - Vanished In Thin Air....If U C Please...

MH 370 – Vanished In Thin Air….If U C Please Report…Thank You…..Join In Our Prayers…..Please….. (Photo credit: Sunciti _ Sundaram’s Images + Messages)

Breaking News! Officials associated with the search for missing Malaysian airline flight MH370, have found a wing and a piece of tail believed to belong to the hapless airline. This breaking bit of news was met with…wait a minute…hold on…I’ll be right back.

Sorry about the above. Word just reaching me has disclaimed the previous claim.  Apparently, the wing thought to have belonged to the plane was actually a piece of uneaten chicken wing.   A tanned and toned blonde suntanning on a floating air mattress was also confused for a piece of tail.  This blogger apologize for the misleading bit of info. Please disregard.

In related news, officials are standing by their initial claim that the plane went down somewhere in the Indian/Atlantic/Pacific ocean.  “All aboard have perished without a doubt”, said an unnamed official. Asked why there wasn’t a shred of evidence to suggest this, his reply was, “Evidence Shmevidence!”  While they dither, other countries have joined the search and are scouring the seas for signs of debris.

The latest development on this case, a sound that was ‘just like’ beacon on a black box have been picked up by an Australian ship. It wasn’t really a ship but ‘just like’ a ship.

In other news, I had something that felt ‘just like’ sex last night with someone ‘just like’ my wife.  Is that ‘just like’ the same?

Note:  The above does not in any way take away from the seriousness of the situation and does not attempt to make light of the grief that the families are going through.  It is however, a humorous take on the way the officials are bumbling their way through the case with their half-baked assumptions.

 

 

 

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Friday Folly: Osama Bin Laden On Doomed Airline?

Remembering MH370

Remembering MH370 (Photo credit: khengsiong)

I have been following the story about the missing Malaysian airline like a bloodhound on a trail.  Sniffing at officials as they try their best to pretend they know  what happened to the plane.  Days after making a declaration claiming to know where the plane went down, they have picked up stakes and are now making another solid declaration.  Apparently they were a bit off on the location.  Just a tad.  Well like a case of the elusive terrorist, the darn aircraft was not where they were sure it was after all! Gosh darn it!

Today, while the earlier proclamation was still quite fresh on the minds of grieving families who understandably needed some proof, the officials once again released statements that the plane actually never went down where they were 100% sure it did.  So this time they are more surer.  And yes, I know it’s not a word but seeing it’s my blog I can write how I please.  I am just kidding! Come back! Can’t take a joke or what?

Couldn’t you just imagine a news reporter on the first crash scene… “Today, officials have declared that the plane went down right in this spot and all passengers are dead. We are sorry to…Wha..? Excuse me?  We have a new satellite reading? Not here? Ok sorry, we have to go! Stay tuned folks, maybe we will find the plane in one of those caves yonder.”

And you, stay tuned too.  The Himalayas look like a likely place for a crash…

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I Am Not A Real Blogger But You Can Still Follow Me

Blog Machine

Blog Machine (Photo credit: digitalrob70)

I have a confession.  Some of you might already know this. Wait for it…I am not a real blogger.  Far from.  I read and follow real bloggers, like Katie from sassandbalderdash (my fave) and I’m nothing like them.  I just enjoying making fun of things and people and spit it out like I would say it. No frills, no gimmicks.

A real blogger cares about how their blogs look, how their widgets, whatever that is, stand out on their page.  A real blogger spends time creating the perfect blog aimed at getting maximum read.  I don’t really give two hoots.  I just write the damn things that come to my crazy head.  I make no apologies. You like it or you hate it.

If you sometimes come across some misspelled words, I apologize as I take my spelling very seriously.  If I mangle the Queen’s English and make a mockery of the language, it’s mostly intentional.  If it’s not, I just failed to proofread.  If my blog goes on and on, I am not sorry, that’s how I get when I’m excited and can’t wait to spit it out.  It all comes out a bubbling verbal mass.  Ala verbal diarrhea.

So you see, I am not a bonafide blogger.  I don’t have a target audience, do I even have an audience?  I don’t have a regular schedule. Do I have a schedule to talk about anything I want to talk about?

I regret to inform you that I am not a real blogger.  I don’t really regret but that’s the proper way of saying it.  Follow me at your own peril but don’t expect anything from me that only real bloggers can deliver.

Damn! I wish I were a real blogger…

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It’s Hollywood Baby, It’s Not Cheating

 

Cameron Diaz at the Shrek the Third London pre...

Cameron Diaz at the Shrek the Third London premiere (touch up) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Why do I bother reading these crap sometimes?  I took a couple of minutes from doing meaningful work to check out the latest offerings on the World-Wide web.  The first story that caught my eye was that my girl Cameron Diaz was creeping with her latest movie co-star.  Of course I was interested.  I like her, not as much as I like Scarlett Johansson though but still…Oh by the way, did you hear that Scarlett is doing a full frontal in her upcoming movie?  Well slap my ass and call me a bitch! I want front row tickets to that.  Do you hear that honey? I love movies.

 

But anyways, stay out of my head, Scarlett.  The news said that Cameron had the hots for her hunky Games Of Thrones co-star, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau.  Apparently Cameron couldn’t stop cooing about him during interviews and that was enough to set tongues a-wagging.

 

Pardon my ignorance but what constitutes cheating in Hollywood?  In their upcoming movie, Cameron and Nikolaj play lovers.  So we can safely assume that they kissed passionately while exploring each other’s partially nude bodies.  In my books that’s cheating right there. Heck, there’s cheating in just about every movie nowadays. If you don’t agree with me, then tell me what exactly is the difference between kissing and touching someone intimately in a movie versus in real life.  The difference is they are being pimped out to do it.  Meaning they get paid to get laid.  Ok maybe sometimes not laid but paid to have a darn good time.  It’s Hollywood baby, they don’t cheat there.  It’s all in the script.

 

 

 

Scarlett Johansson at the premiere of a Girl W...

Scarlett Johansson at the premiere of a Girl With a Pearl Earring at Toronto Film Festival, 2003. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://entertainment.ca.msn.com/celebs/nikolaj-coster-waldaus-marriage-tested-by-cameron-diaz-infidelity-rumors

 

 

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