Friday Folly: Me? Naked? Sorry, Can’t Do

How to Look Good Naked

How to Look Good Naked (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I like a bit of nudity. So what? I’m normal. Who doesn’t? You don’t? Go see a shrink, you prude!  A glimpse here and glimpse there to keeps the heart pumping.  So when I heard of the latest thing in television, naked reality shows, I of course was turned on. Err, I meant excited. Noo, not that either. What I really meant is that I was um, how do you say it, curious. Mildly curious. I am a married man!

I can’t believe they have a show where a naked man tries to date a naked woman. How the heck do you swing that? Not that, I meant that idea. I have this issue with inappropriate erection, read here, so there’s no way I could stand in front of a hot, naked, single chick and not get a rise. Any naked chick for that matter. Would that be inappropriate anyways? How about her? Would she judge her suitors based on their manhood? “Sorry, move along you and your little dinky. You are a nice guy but I can’t work with that.”  What if I can’t stand in front of her without showing how excited, err, interested I was? Would they yell takes until I calm down or send me off set to smarten up…you know what I mean? In case you missed it, I was alluding to the show ‘Dating Naked’.

Now there’s another one called ‘Naked And Afraid’, which is very much like Survivor. A man and a woman is set somewhere in the wilderness naked! Naked! Sorry, can’t do.  If I’m naked in the wilds with a naked female, yeah, I would be afraid of what could and maybe would happen.  Come on! I’m just being realistic here!  How the hell am I supposed to walk behind some hot, naked, married milf while she climbs up a hill? Maybe even on all fours. How?  I am serious here! I am an individual with roaring testosterone, I can’t do it! More takes please! I can see me excusing myself as I run off into the bushes to err…smarten up. Go on girl, I’ll be right there. I just need to peeee…aahhh! Ok where were we? Oh yeah, we were climbing up this hill. Excuse me, I think I need to pee again! Dammit! Cut!!

On a more serious note, like it wasn’t before. I am not sure I am cut out for nude acting. Nope, not me, can’t do.

How The Heck Do You Do That?

Does this only happen to me? I write a blog and my finger has barely lifted off the key after clicking on ‘Publish’ when my notification button lights up.  I have a like. A like? How could anyone like it already? I don’t care how fast you could read there’s no way in hell you could have read what I just wrote. So what’s the deal?

After being confused for too long, I decided to click on some of these ‘likers’ to see what they were about. I found out something strange. Most, if not all of them were blogs relating to something that needed an audience.  Books, videos, sales stuff. Hmm…so that’s how they draw people in.

Before you click that ‘like’ button, please read my damn blog and see if it’s even likeable.  Don’t pad my stats.  You feelin me?

Like THAT!

Jillian Michaels Lied To Us…Well To You

jillian_michaels_workoutWhile in line at Supermarket checkout the other day, I saw a fitness magazine with fitness guru Jillian Michaels on the cover with the caption, “Jillian Michaels’ Secret Workout.” My first thought was, “What? She has a secret workout? What about all those videos she keeps selling? How about that 30 day shred? You mean she doesn’t even do those? She keeps the effective ones to herself? Well that’s not fair!”

Well seriously, what do you mean, her secret workout? Why is she keeping that a secret? Well no darn wonder I did the 30 day shred and it not only took me way shorter but it worked like crap. In fact I think I gained a few pounds.

So Jilly girl, what’s the damn secret? Just tell us already.

Now That’s Bull!

So a guy who wrote a step-by-step book on how to run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain and not get hurt, fell on his sword when he was gored not once but twice by a bull. Apparently the scenario enfolded exactly how he warned in his book. Sorry buddy.

How ironic.  How stupid. How human.

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/travel/chicago-man-who-wrote-guide-to-running-with-bulls-gored-at-spains-san-fermin-festival-266501121.html

Wow! That’s Some Serious Kegel!

Not so fast, boy!

Not so fast, boy!

Did you hear about the US exchange student who got stuck inside a German vagina? No? I am serious! I don’t make this shit up. He actually did! It took 5 emergency vehicles and 22 firefighters to extricate the dick from this tenacious pussy.

The student was in Germany and happened to visit a sculpture of a vagina. Being American, he was probably being a dick, trying to show off his sexual prowess and masculinity to the world by conquering the German genitalia.  Unfortunately he forgot a few things.  If you are in a rush to get the job done and have no time for foreplay, then at least use lubrication. He learned his lesson quickly when he suddenly became stuck in the vagina-like stone sculpture.  It made for a very embarrassing situation.

The sculpture was erected in 2001 and the student may never be erected ever again. Apparently, after withdrawal, the man apparently went limp.  That’ll teach him.

 

My World Cup Soccer Crush

I have a confession.  I am a soccer fan and I am following The World Cup but it’s held in Brazil. I know, I confuse you there.  You are going, “Yeah, we know it’s in Brazil, so what?” I love Brazilians. There, I said it.  Let me explain before I totally lose you.

In case you are ignorant to such things, Brazil to me, has some of the hottest women in the world. (Must be the weather). And they love soccer. And when they love to wear cut-off jeans.  You know the ones with the pockets hanging lower than the cut-off? Yeah. So as I watched the beautiful and artistic game of soccer, I can’t help but also enjoy seeing the Brazilian gals draped patriotically in their country’s flag, smiling back at me from my big screen tv.  It’s distracting, it’s heavenly, it’s soccer! Viva Brazil!

So I think I now watch the World Cup with ulterior motives.  Throw me a bone here, you probably do the same too. At least I actually do like the game, do you? It’s not my fault I have good taste in women and I like beautiful things. My wife can attest to that, she’s prime example. Shit! Gotta go, there’s a game on!

Note: The other South American Countries are well represented as well and are holding their own quite nicely.

Arriba!

Arriba!

 

Honey, Can’t We Just Talk?

My wife is the pant wearer in our marriage.  Yep, kinda, sorta.  She said I am pumped full of estrogen. Well kinda pumped full, sorta.  If I am, then she’s full of testerone.  At night, she wants to have sex. I am sometimes happy to just talk.  With three little ones, we never get to talk anymore. Not that I mind having sex but a little ‘tell me about  your day’ sounds sooo good!

Last night I was rubbing her suggestively, at least to her.  To me it was just a loving touch, not a sign that my tired ass needed some play.  As soon as I saw that she was getting too aroused for my liking, I stopped and rolled over in my best, “Ok, goodnight, I’m off to la la land” impression.  It was almost 10pm for goodness sake!  I had to get up at 5am for work!

She said, ‘Most guys would kill to be in your shoe’ and I didn’t doubt her.  In fact, give me a good rest and I would kill for what she had to offer too.  Maybe it’s the older guy younger woman thing.  Maybe I should head over and ask Katie from Sassandbalderdash about this one.  She has some experience in this type of situation but I’m not sure if she has the intestinal fortitude to air it. She’s not as incognito as I am.  Sorry Katie, inbox me. Let’s chat. Is Mr. Craiglist in the same boat?

As soon as I’m done writing this, in fact right now, I’m going to head upstairs and do my husbandly duty.  No more estrogen-laden excuses.  Honey, can’t we just do it?