Boss, Is That You?

The other day while sitting on my throne, yes the toilet! I heard some disturbing noises coming from the stall beside me.  Being the inquisitive type, I looked under the partition to see if I recognized the shoes.  Just wanted to put a face to the noise.  I know, I am weird that way.  I instantly saw the shoes belonged to my boss! Gurgle! Gurgle! Splat! The unearthly sounds continued…

To save him from the embarrassment of meeting me at the sink and realizing my ears were unwilling witnesses to his toilet toils, I finished my texting and facebooking and beat a hasty retreat.

I haven’t looked at my boss the same way since that experience. He didn’t seem like the noisy shitter type either! You can never tell I guess…

Be Proactive Not Reactive

“On Monday, France targeted a command center, a recruitment center, an ammunition storage base and a training camp in the city, the French military said.”  So right after it was attacked, France was able to find and bomb these targets?  Did they know where they were all along? Or did they all of a sudden find out after they were attacked?

Do you notice this trend too?  The US gets attacked and all of a sudden they are bombing terrorist targets in Iraq, Afhghanistan or wherever.  Why the heck don’t they bomb these places BEFORE they are attacked??

All Pooped Out At Work

I swear that some people take bathroom breaks at work just to get away and they will try to stay in there as long as they could, slackers!

Take today for instance, when I went to use the bathroom there was a guy in the stall next to me. When I left, almost one hour later, he was still there! Could you believe that?  Like seriously buddy, are you hiding from work?  Or are you doing your work in the privacy of a bathroom stall?  Some people!

 

 

That Fogging Guy!

The fogging guy woke me up last night!  I heard him driving down my street fogging up everything.  When I looked out my bedroom window,  we were all fogged! He fogged me and he fogged you too.  I had not seen a mosquito around for a while so I was wondering if it was just for fog’s sake.  Fogging guy…tell the little fogger to fog this!

Friday Folly: Dear Ashley Madison

Hi Ashley,

I won’t be needing your services anymore. Why? You have the nerve to ask me why? Well darling, I trusted you. Trust is earned. Trust is scarce these days.  You can’t find anyone you could trust anymore.  I trusted that what we had between us would stay discreet and private, only to find out that it wasn’t so.  Now I fear that my wife will soon find out about us!

Ashley, this is serious! I hooked up with you to cheat on my wife. Forget what I just said about trust. For now. I needed some discreet and private action on the side. You promised me that you were up to it. I love my wife, Ashley, of course I do! But a side thing is no harm, right honey?  You even said so yourself so don’t go giving me this tude.  But back to what I am writing about, I am done! I am going back to my wife and will apologize before she finds out about what we had.

Know what sucks? Is having a loose-lipped ‘other woman’.  Now thanks to this, my life could be ruined…Thanks Ashley. For nothing!  What? Hacked? What’s that and who cares? I don’t care baby, I trusted you and you betrayed that trust. Lose my number.

It’s Not Funny When There’s No TP!!

English: Toilet paper, orientation "under...

English: Toilet paper, orientation “under” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There I was, reaching without thinking to the spot that I could navigate to with closed eyes.  My hands felt nothing.  Well nothing that felt like what I was reaching for.  My eyes flew opened. No!  At least there’s a backup.  My fingers reached up into the cavernous recess in search of the backup roll. Came up empty. Well not entirely.  I felt the cardboard rollers that once were embraced by two-ply toilet paper. Noooo! Just when I needed it most! What do I do now?

TP

Actual photo taken during down time

I sat there, in my work’s washroom, thinking about my next move. I will just hobble over to the other stall and grab some. I just hope I don’t get caught. Just when I was about to put my plan into action, the door opened.  Please just pee and leave, I thought to myself. But the intruder opened up the door to the vacant stall next to mine and made himself at home. While I waited, I browsed Facebook and Instagram.  I made myself at home too. My pants were still down to my ankle but my work in there was over. Long over.

After what seemed like an eternity, I heard rustling. The next door neighbor taunted me with the loud sound of toilet paper rolling over the holder.  Teasing me.  I shut out the sound. I will wait.

I followed him with my ear. Zipper up, belt tied, flushed.  Listened for the hygienic hand-washing then the sound of the door opening.  It was time! Like a prisoner hobbled by shackles but still trying to escape, I made my way to the next stall and the toilet paper that awaited me.  I prayed that no one would come in and no one did. I sat down, breathed a sigh of relief and helped myself to a generous amount of paper. A bum wipe never felt that good…