Where Is The F In Funny?

Have you wondered where I went to since I haven’t blogged since the last time I blogged? From the traffic stats, probably not but it’s ok. I don’t blame you for not missing out on the best blog on the internet. Your loss.

Well the reason, if you must know, why I haven’t blogged is that there just isn’t much in the way of funny these days! Why so serious?

With political correctness being the order of the day, my damn toes hurt from tiptoeing around like an awkward ballet dancer. I tried to joke about Aunt Jemima but the black activists didn’t cotton to it. Oops, I did it again! I made an unintentional pun! Suck it up buttercup. I could always rephrase it and say they weren’t too sweet on it. Ok, never mind, the diabetics association just frowned on that. Pon my word!

So anyways, here we are at the crossroad of life as we once knew it. Day after day I am more confused, like Mr. Kracker says. I don’t know what is acceptable and what’s not anymore. I don’t know what to call people, (are they even called people anymore?). One day Mr. John is Mrs. John, or an IT or Non Compliant person of non determinate sex. You see where my confusion lieth?

A white guy called another white guy the N word in greetings and is banned from racing and making money from endorsement deals. Screams you, ‘DON’T BE AN IDIOT! GET WITH THE TIMES! HE SHOULD NEVER EVER USED THAT WORD! IT BRINGS BACK MEMORIES AND CONJURES UP SHIT FROM SLAVERY DAYS! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER AND SHAME ON YOU! THAT LARSON KID DESERVED WHAT HE GOT!” Hey! Lay off me. And who said it was Larson? I never called any names.

Let’s go back to the conjuring up of shit and memories. So when the N word is uttered, be it jokingly or otherwise, all within earshot are supposed to all of suddenly have flashbacks to a long ago atrocity? Memories of something never experienced? Well guess what? I never was good with computers so I think I may not have gotten that email. If you as a whitey choose to greet me in a fun way and use the N word as in, ‘Hey ma Nigger! What’s up?’ My naive self would respond with, “Hey not much bro, How about you my rednecked friend?” and we would laugh and down our beers and the world would be at peace and no one would ever hear of it. Naivety has its privileges. It’s all about context too, right? If same white person was to yell at me and go, “Yo Nigger! You don’t belong here! Go back to Africa!” I would be mad of course. Very mad! But because I didn’t get the memo, I won’t be mad because my ancestors were subjected to that word but moreso because I as a human and as a person, has just been subjected to hate and ignorance. Nothing to do with the past, just the NOW.

None of us can deny the barbaric and dehumanizing thing that was slavery. We cannot escape words, artifacts and other leftover tools that were used during this period to subject the harshest of conditions of fellow humans whose only difference was their skin color. Words like Nigger, things like a noose, etc. But, if we try to stop people from using these slavery-connected things, would that eradicate racism? If you stop saying Nigger, are you not racist any longer? Can and should we ban the use of nooses too? Should words like cotton, hang, negro and others be struck from our language? Looks like we have a bigger issue that just some words. Words are only as powerful as we let them be, a noose hanging around is just an ignorant expression of some ignorant and scared racist, so why don’t we stop giving the N word the undeserved power it is getting? Stop feeding and fanning the flames.

And for gawd’s sake, put the F in funny back!

Morning Ejaculation

Don’t you just hate it?  You are all warm and cozy and enjoying your sleep like good sex, you reach down to pull the receding blankets up to your shoulders and as you do, the darn alarm goes off! A pre-mature ejaculation of epic proportions! You thought you were in the middle of the best sleep of your life but unknowingly, it was about to end abruptly.  No warning. Just Beep! Beep! Beep!…

Just Let Me Poop!

Pooping is serious business. Well for me it is. As a married man with 3 young kids, alone time is sacred. And scarce. So yes, it I’d serious.

Unfortunately, what is serious to me is trivial to the rest of the family. My sacred time consists of me preparing myself by choosing a good magazine, no, no porn! I make sure to bring my phone also, in case I finish the magazine. Then it’s system all go!

And that’s when my wife usually shouts to me through the door. Most times I can’t discern what she is babbling about but I am getting irritated. “Jeez woman! I was just outside doing nothing for the last few hours and you ignored me, now you are trying to have a conversation?”

It seems I am never more needed as when I am pooping.

Help my son attend his granny’s funeral

Hi,

My grandmother passed away in St. Vincent at 105 years. When he was 7, I promised my 9 year old that when she passes I would take him with me to the funeral but I am unable financially and he’s unhappy.  I would love to take him and have set up a fund page, below to ask for your assistance…

Greatly appreciated!

https://www.youcaring.com/kenyanwalcott-1036901?utm_campaign=buttonshare&utm_medium=url&utm_source=copy&utm_content=cf_cp_01

Create Jobs, Retire!

I love old people.  I really do. Come on! If I didn’t would I be volunteering at a Old Folks Home? (Nursing Home).  See? Told you! I love old people.

Know what I especially love about old people?  Their stories.  Nothing beats sitting down with an aged one and listening to them share their life experiences.  What they did when they were young and what they did for work.  Know what I especially l hate about old people? When they just don’t know when to quit!

If your excuse is that you didn’t save enough to retire, that’s your problem.  You need to move over so the new graduates could get jobs.  It’s time for the changing of the guard.

Take this for example, a 70 plus year old Trump has just started a new career! Shouldn’t there be an age limit on presidential candidates? Like come on!

 

Transgender Questions

Yesterday I read an eye-popping story of a young man who was born as a she but didn’t feel too comfortable in the ‘she’ skin so he changed to a ‘he’ Well, well, well…This guy got my vote on being the hottest pre-transgender and post-transgender human I’ve ever seen!  So hot that I had a crush on both of them! And they say I’m straight

Anyways, as I read the story and saw how beautiful he was before the sex change, I got to wondering if when he looks back on the photos of him as a her in lingerie, does it excite his fancy? Would it? Should it?  Or would it feel incestuous? I dunno but I would like to know.  Anyone? Bueller?

One of the most common reasons people give for choosing to change sex is that they just didn’t feel they were living as they were supposed to.  They were living a lie so to speak.  So here’s another of my questions, if as a woman, they had the mind of a man, how does that work for masturbation?  Or do they even do it? Ok, I am getting confused and maybe a tad hot and bothered, but if you know the answers to any or all of these questions, drop me a line.  I would be happy to hear from you. And you there young fella, do whatever makes you feel happy.

Please read the story here and see what I’m talking about.

 

New Game: Don’t Touch The Queen

Image result for queen elizabeth fallingSo I have invented a new family game that will help everyone understand what to do when in the presence of the Queen.  Seems like some people still don’t get it.  The game is still in its infancy stages but the premise of it is that players would be faced with different scenarios where they are forced to make decisions to save the queen but not allowed to touch her in any way.  You touch her, you lose.

Here’s one such scenario.  Liz is on the sinking Titanic and all her handlers have perished and poor Liz is frantic and alone.  She’s not used to this so she’s way out of her element and sobbing like an infant.  Liz wants off the ship that’s sinking faster than the popularity of the Monarchy.  Tossing protocol aside, she reaches her arm out to you for help.  Yes, the Queen is reaching out to you, a peon. A commoner! Was that a pig flying overhead?

So, the question is, what do you do? Remember, YOU CAN’T TOUCH THE QUEEN!  While you ponder this, here’s another one.  The 91 year old Liz is ascending some stairs which at her age, could be a daunting if not treacherous task.  You are the closest person to her and you are certain she might trip over the royal rug.  You were right! The old lady stumbles towards you and only you could halt her descent.  What do you do?

I await your answers…

Things I Hate

It’s the story of my life.  I am about to stop at a red light and noticed that the other lane over has no traffic.  No vehicular presence! 

“Right on”! I thought. “I would have nothing but road as soon as the light goes green.” I start to change lanes at about the same time as the turtle ahead of me eho obviously doesn’t need the open road ahead.  What would she do with all that road anyways? I swear under my breath and fall into place behind her.  Foiled again!

Her First Time


She was having second thoughts about this.  It was her first time after all.  She’s seen it done on TV and heard people talk about it and how painful it could be.  Now it was her turn and as she reclined waiting for him to come into the room, she wasn’t sure she could go through with it.  In fact she was sure she didn’t.

He walked in, his instrument held in his hand and pointing upwards.  As he approached her, she could see a tiny bead of liquid on the tip.  She looked away.  “Don’t worry, I will try to be gentle.” He said reassuringly.  “I have done many times.”  She knew he recently did it to her mom and her sisters but it didn’t make her feel any better.

Then he leaned in.  The thing was inches from touching her.  She recoiled. “No, please I don’t think I can do this!”  In a calm voice he said, “Don’t worry, I won’t take long and I promise it would be done before you know it.”  He produced a wipe and dabbed at the area.  She felt a coldness on her skin then before she could say anything else, he plunged it in her!

Before she knew it, he pulled it out, stood up and smiled at her.  “I told you I won’t be long.  It wasn’t that bad now, was it?  There might be a little blood but nothing to worry about.”  He patted her head. “You were a brave girl.  I will see you in a year for your next flu shot.”

 

 

Don’t Call The Male A Man! Or The Man A Male!

Related imageI didn’t know it was possible for a person to choose their sexual orientation.  That’s not all, one could also get their kids to grow up as a…a…uhm…thing? No wait, an unassigned-gendered organism or being.  Yup! yes siree!

I just read, that in British Columbia, (That’s in Canada for you Mercan folks), a baby was giving a ‘U’ for sexual orientation on its health card on the request of the parent who wants to raise the kid as a sex-fence straddler.  (I made that word up by the way).

The parent thinks it infringes on the baby’s human rights to be forced to live like a duck boy or girl. Parent X wants baby Y to choose whether it wants to continue on as a male or female once Baby Y is old enough. (Let’s use X and Y here for clarity).  Being gendered without a choice is socially crippling to Baby Y, according to parent x.  (Not exactly their words but mine sounds better).

So all these years, I could have been a gir/woman, boy/man and later on pick my sex? Imagine the naked girls I could have seen as I changed in their locker rooms! Or the hung men! My oh my! I’ll take that and that and that!  Who the heck decided that I wanted to be male anyways?  Who thought I would rather boxers over G-strings? Or be a husband instead of a wife? Or play on a boys’ team instead of a girls’?  Or even be on top instead of…oh never mind. Hell, I even attend an all-boys high school!

I love this new world order.  Wrong is right and right is wrong.  Male is female and female is whatever it wants to be.  No boundaries!  I tell ya, things, they are a changing…

Read story here.