The fogging guy woke me up last night! I heard him driving down my street fogging up everything. When I looked out my bedroom window, we were all fogged! He fogged me and he fogged you too. I had not seen a mosquito around for a while so I was wondering if it was just for fog’s sake. Fogging guy…tell the little fogger to fog this!
I won’t be needing your services anymore. Why? You have the nerve to ask me why? Well darling, I trusted you. Trust is earned. Trust is scarce these days. You can’t find anyone you could trust anymore. I trusted that what we had between us would stay discreet and private, only to find out that it wasn’t so. Now I fear that my wife will soon find out about us!
Ashley, this is serious! I hooked up with you to cheat on my wife. Forget what I just said about trust. For now. I needed some discreet and private action on the side. You promised me that you were up to it. I love my wife, Ashley, of course I do! But a side thing is no harm, right honey? You even said so yourself so don’t go giving me this tude. But back to what I am writing about, I am done! I am going back to my wife and will apologize before she finds out about what we had.
Know what sucks? Is having a loose-lipped ‘other woman’. Now thanks to this, my life could be ruined…Thanks Ashley. For nothing! What? Hacked? What’s that and who cares? I don’t care baby, I trusted you and you betrayed that trust. Lose my number.
There I was, reaching without thinking to the spot that I could navigate to with closed eyes. My hands felt nothing. Well nothing that felt like what I was reaching for. My eyes flew opened. No! At least there’s a backup. My fingers reached up into the cavernous recess in search of the backup roll. Came up empty. Well not entirely. I felt the cardboard rollers that once were embraced by two-ply toilet paper. Noooo! Just when I needed it most! What do I do now?
I sat there, in my work’s washroom, thinking about my next move. I will just hobble over to the other stall and grab some. I just hope I don’t get caught. Just when I was about to put my plan into action, the door opened. Please just pee and leave, I thought to myself. But the intruder opened up the door to the vacant stall next to mine and made himself at home. While I waited, I browsed Facebook and Instagram. I made myself at home too. My pants were still down to my ankle but my work in there was over. Long over.
After what seemed like an eternity, I heard rustling. The next door neighbor taunted me with the loud sound of toilet paper rolling over the holder. Teasing me. I shut out the sound. I will wait.
I followed him with my ear. Zipper up, belt tied, flushed. Listened for the hygienic hand-washing then the sound of the door opening. It was time! Like a prisoner hobbled by shackles but still trying to escape, I made my way to the next stall and the toilet paper that awaited me. I prayed that no one would come in and no one did. I sat down, breathed a sigh of relief and helped myself to a generous amount of paper. A bum wipe never felt that good…
The big news of the week was how Bruce Jenner turned into a woman. Well not exactly turned into as that sounds like a frog turning into a prince. More like had a medically induced sex change. Because I’m a naturally curious person, especially when it comes to stuff like this, I had some questions that only
Bruce Caitlyn Jenner would be able to answer.
We all know that Caitlyn was a normal macho, olympic-gold-medal-winning man named Bruce. I am sure he had thoughts of the opposite sex. Well duh! He was married to the opposite sex! Now my question is this, does the surgery also alter the way one thinks so he or she no longer thinks the way they did as a man or woman? For instance, if the surgery is only skin-deep and
Bruce’s Caitlyn’s mind is still the same mind he she had prior, does the sight of her his female organs turn him her on? Would he she sit and play with them for hours? Like rub her his boobs and vagina? Just wondering. I probably would.
Another question is this, going with my hunch that the mind remains the same after the surgery, how would
Bruce Caitlyn feel the first time he she’s hit on by a guy? Would he she forget that he she is now a she and slug him for suggesting he’s gay? How do you go from liking women to becoming one? Does it mean the person had to be a closet gay all along? Was Bruce gay? If so, then disregard all the above and pardon my ignorance. I am as confused as a man living in the body of a woman. All the he to she and vice versa is making my head spin.
Note: I don’t think I can handle being a woman for a day, I might rape myself. Just think, the thing you spent all your life chasing, now attached to you permanently? At your own disposal? Bruce, you lucky dog! Good luck with Caitlyln.
Dear readers, I have a problem. You see, I have this habit of double glancing everytime I see a beautiful woman. It doesn’t help that I think women are God’s most beautiful creation, bar none. If a woman walks past me in yoga pants, lululemon or tight jeans, I can’t help but look back to see if she looks as good leaving as she did coming. Nothing sexual or lustful, just pure admiration for the fairer sex and the presentation. I am happily married and think my wife is the cat’s meow so I guess it’s more like admiring your neighbor’s expensive red jaguar. Not wanting the expense but thinking it’s still a beauty to admire. So now you get where I’m coming from? Don’t want you to start judging me, calling me a playa and all that, because I swear, that’s not how it is at all. Don’t judge be because of that last post. Here.
But anyways, I am not writing this blog to confess my bad habit to you, no sir/ma’am. The reason I’m blogging is actually to tell you what happened on Saturday morning. My 8-year-old has soccer practice on Saturday mornings and instead of taking turns driving him, I told the wifey that I would do the honors. I am more of the morning person and enjoy the alone-time, drinking my coffee while I wait for him. Going to MacDonald’s for breakfast after is a good deal maker too. So anyways, while standing on the side of the field, I caught myself double looking at a female coach who was coaching some 5-6-year olds. Yes, she was wearing lululemons. Or were they yoga pants? I was mad at myself and made a mental vow that starting immediately, I would not give any woman the double-look again. I vowed to be strong. I had to stop before it got out of hand, right? So yep, no more checking out the grass on the other side. Done!
While enjoying my new-found emancipation from this binding addiction, movement on my periphery caught my attention. I turned my head and saw it was just a blonde young woman, dressed in lululemon pants, or were they yoga? and matching top, out for a run. Her pony-tailed hair swooped from side to side like a horse’s. (Oh, that’s why they call them pony tail! Aha moment!).
Vow forgotten, tossed to the wind like torn up paper, I double glanced. Yup, I did. It was the hair, I swear! She probably used it to put weak men with vows in trances. Mesmerize us. Had to be. as here I was, double, triple, quadruple glancing, waiting for her to go by to see if she had the correct running form. She did! He hips, shoulders and entire body was a mass of rhythm. I was proud of her. Like a running coach admiring his star athlete.
Ok, nothing is as beautiful as a woman and nothing is as graceful as a human running. See where I’m going with this? So yup, I broke my vow before it was even cooled from exiting the warmth confines of my thought. I disgraced the school of thought.
Honey, let’s go running. Better yet, you go running around the block while I watch. Yes, around the bed is fine too…
Check this out:
I am always on the lookout for products that can prolong my life. Be it pills, food, hygienic practices or even sunscreen. Yes, sunscreen. Don’t you know too much sun can cause skin cancer? So quite naturally I saw a piece trending on yahoo with photo too:
Well of course I had to check it out! The story I meant. Not the blonde and the brunette, silly! In fact I didn’t even notice them until later, much later. So I clicked on the link and it took me to the meat of the story with another accompanying pic.
Wow! Look at that! The story I mean. Our sunscreen just may not work! OMG! that’s hot! The sun I mean! And honey dear, I swear, it was all about the sunscreen…
Thanks to Lululemon, my balls could now breathe easily. With my wearing of all those balls-unfriendly pants, it’s no wonder I suffered from blue balls continuously. The below pic is not of it but it’s all I could find.
Lululemon has invented a pants for us men to protect our jewels. It’s like a jock strap with legs. I am not sure how it works but it does! I tried on a pair and noticed the difference immediately. I can’t explain it but my balls just didn’t feel so crushable. I dared my balls crusher wife to try her stuff on me and you know what? She couldn’t crush my nuts!
Thank you LuLu. Now can I have some Anti-blueballs pants?