When Stars Collide

Don’t you just love it when celebs fight? It’s not like the normal fights us peons have. It’s kinda funny, stupid and dumb at the same time. And then to top it off, their twitter followers usually side with them and harass their opponents. Take Kid Rock and Beyonce for example.  Apparently Kid Rock questioned The Queen Bey’s claim to success, saying that she doesn’t have a legit hit but still is uber successful. What does the Bey say? Well she didn’t have to say anything, her Beyhive did all the talking, spamming poor Kid Rock’s Twitter page and his other social media accounts. Poor Mr. Rock, indeed.

To be fair, Beyonce has earned her stripes the hard way, by being a Queen B as in…nevermind that but contrary to what the Kid said, she does have some smash classic hits, destined to go down in the annals of music history.  Songs such as…nevermind that also. I am so forgetful today.  Part of growing old I guess.

Beyonce is best known for being half of a Beauty And The Beast relationship.  Can you guess which half she is? Kid Rock also thinks that the Bey’s body, notably her ass, is to be blamed or credited for her astounding success. Some may say it’s the Beast in her. Oops! No pun there.  Still waiting for some leaked pics of her to determine what exactly is responsible for the buzz around the Bey. Oh Beyhive!

 

Where Were They When…? So Not Fair!

Megan Mahoney in her team photo from Wagner College.

When I were a little horn dog, experiencing puberty and mentally humping everything in skirts, where were those perverted but sexy female teachers who prey on their students? Like the one here. So not fair!

Where were those understanding teachers who see past their students failures and ineptitude and see them as just needing to be held and to be loved? You know what I’m talking about, those teachers who have never heard the word ‘fail’. So not fair!

Those anti-bullying laws, where were they when I…you got the point, and it’s so not fair!

Yoga pants, scantily clad girls, gadgets, cool parents who give allowances and let you drive their cars, LGBT acceptance, Fifty Shades Of Grey, talentless singers, easily-accessible porn…where the heck were they back in my day?

Yep, it’s so not fair!

 

Turning 50 Shades

It’s here! Final Fricking Ly!  50 Shades Of Grey is in theaters! Are you going to see it? I am not. Got you there! I have nothing against watching some S&M porn but there are better ones easily accessible on my mac! I can choose my S and my M’s.

The thing is, I would find it embarrassingly awkward sitting in a packed theater watching sex on a big screen with total strangers. I may or may not get aroused but there may be a risk of that. Getting aroused while seated beside a less-than-sexy stranger is just plain gross and bordering on disgusting! It sure would be a nice kinky and voyeuristic experience if a hot blonde/brunette/woman was rubbing elbows with me while I…nevermind!

What would the other pervs theater-goers think when they see me getting up to go to the bathroom? I would dare not leave my seat for fear they might jump to conclusion on the nature of my departure.  No ma’am, I simply cannot partake in a mass porn watching affair.  I have never been one who enjoy getting horny in the presence of shady strangers. Sometimes I can’t help myself and I do but it doesn’t mean I like and enjoy it. Like my massage table appointments for example…

So you see, I would turn 50 shades of something if I were to subject myself to such a potentially embarrassing situation.  Fifty Shades Of Grey should be the only thing coming in a theater near you.

 

All Brawn No Brains

English: Fitness Model posing with dumbell. Ph...

English: Fitness Model posing with dumbell. Photo by Glenn Francis of http://www.PacificProDigital.com (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

An epic and tragic example that being a model does not qualify one to be a model for smarts is this. A popular model was filming on a train track, why a train track? When he was hit by a train.  Wait a damn minute! Why would you be on a train track and if you are filming, why wouldn’t the photogs alert you of the danger? They are not too bright either?

I heard that the train was actually honking its horn but the model thought that it was on a parallel track so he didn’t budge. Ok ok, wait another minute! How did they know what he thought since he was killed on the spot? And why didn’t he at least look to see if a train was coming? wtf is this?  A bloody joke?

So this model was actually a big fitness model featured on countless magazines and shit but in terms of smartness he was unfit.  He had brawns but no brains as they would say. He was a model idiot they would also say, meaning no disrespect to the dead man. I would say he was one determined fella who let nothing derail his career. Say what you want of him but he stayed on track till the very end. Ok enough! Read it for yourselves.

Killed while shooting on a train track…whatever…

 

Honey, I Saw Our Daughter’s Ass

Too often, I read of stories where parents, granted, most of them celebrities, which doesn’t make them real parents, have watched their children perform in nude scenes without being bothered.  Some moms have sat in the audience while their sons used their penis like putty to make silly shapes. Not bothered one bit.  Some men have also showed up at the daughters’ strip joints and enjoyed a show with their buddies.

Take this story for example, NBC Nightly News broadcaster Brian Williams, watched his daughter Allison in a raunchy sex scene recently. He attended a premiere of the new season of Girls. The scene called for Allison’s lover to get close and personal with her naked ass.  “Get your face in there!” Yelled the director. “Not you sir”, he added as Brian got up out of seat.

I don’t know about you but watching my daughter have sex is not something I have on my bucket list. In fact, the mere thought disgusts me. Isn’t that a torture tactic where terrorists force you to watch them have sex with your family? Why would anyone, especially a dad, willingly watch this? Well unless he has some kinda…nevermind.

Next time you talk to Brian, say to him, “Hey, nice ass on your daughter! I would like to tap that”.  You never know, he might ask if he could watch.

One Sick Guy

Is it just me or are you like this too? What I’m talking about here is do you have a sick mind? I am not a bad guy, honestly I’m not! I am happily married with kids etc etc.  But I have a sick mind. A gutter mind. A warped mind.

Here’s how it works.  In church, the pastor would say, “Jesus is coming again!” Guess what goes through my mind then? Yes! I think sexual! I feel like crap for not only thinking something so blasphemous but in church to boot?  Nooo! There are also songs that beg Jesus to ‘come inside me’. How could I not go to town with that? Hello! Sick guy here!

Nothing is too sacred and nothing is safe from the machinations of my sexually warped mind. I am not bragging, it’s a curse! I might need to speak to someone. A shrink maybe? Did you talk to someone? Are you like this? Am I normal? Come on, talk to me!

Did I mention that I am also a Christian? Well duh! Why else would I be in church? To steal communion or partake of the bread and wine?  Maybe I need a good confession.  But isn’t that what I’m doing right now? And what would I say? “Of forgive me father for I have sinned.  I er…uhm…apply sexual connotations to normal conversations and pervade even the most innocent of conversations.” Hmm…that kinda has a nice ring to it, don’t you agree?

Back to my issue, I am one sick mofo!  Be careful what you say to me and please don’t tell me please come again.