Porn. Blog.

Penny Flame

If I deceived you with the topic of this blog, I am sorry.  There will be no porn here, well sort of.  You see, the thing is, I noticed that of all the darn blogs I wrote, the two that got the most likes were on Porn, read here and Blogging, read here.  So I gather that in order for me to duplicate this huge and historic success, I would have to write about porn and about blogging, hence the topic.

Here’s the porn side of things, a few days ago, I got an email in my hotmail junk folder.  At first it sounded like someone I knew so I read it a few times. Then I realized it was a new strategy designed to get the mail recipient to visit a person’s porn website.  Here is the email and no, I did not visit her site but you could or would.

BABE… i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been

tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of

garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been?


In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana.. we used to chat a bit

on facebook and then I think u deleted me 😦 haha.. anyways guess what…

I got 2 things to tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me

and my bf broke up about 3 months ago… and 2) guess where im moving?

RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.. lol… ur actually the only person im gonna know

there.. well 3 cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..


I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted

to chill so now we finally can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping

this email addy is still the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore

i get there.. maybe even help me move my shit in…are u still on facebook?

i coudnt find ui was soo confused…anyways im gonna need someone to show

me the town and take me out so u better be around bebe…


i wanted to get ot know u better when i was single..and i thoguth u were

cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol…ok so more info about

me.. well im 23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for

drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv

her to death… uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont

admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all that.. love sex etc blah blah blah…who doesnt..


I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the

fone before i get there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna

chill and arent married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when

i get there..


id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that…really anythgin cause my current

job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i

currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out

meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i

did? hmm shud i……???? ok WELLLL… and dont get all weirded out

on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat

with people and get naked HHAHA… BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i

figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play

with myself heheh…anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO


help once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out….like i

said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON

STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im

hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..


ANYWAYS.. heres the deal….every month natalie (my boss) gives each

of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u

can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like

everyone else… the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can

chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY

USE IT FOR URSELF… i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more

than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER… i figured u cud

always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me

login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room…


if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but


I TRUST U… im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..

also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan 😦 I

really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern

remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably

soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. i

really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my

stress about the move… REALLY i mean that….anyways once i see u in

insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont


wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me

now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there

after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign

to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im


INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha…k babe im out

for now… chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana


And that's when I knew it was not legit.  I did not click the link and you shouldn't too but if you feel the need...

They Killed Bigfoot!


Bigfoot (Photo credit: naturemandala)

In yet another bizarre cover-up, authorities are saying a 44-year old man dressed up as the legendary Bigfoot, was killed while attempting to stir up sightings of the monster.  Don’t y’all believe this for one second.  They done went and killed the real Bigfoot!  Bigfoot is dead!

According to the authorities, the guy was wearing a guillie suit which made him hard to recognize.  He looked like a moving vegetation so up came a car driven by two giggling teens and whack! splat! thud! they ran into the hapless Bigfoot.

yeah right, as if the Eggman would believe that.  No 44 year old is that dumb and stupid to do something like that, even when drunk.  So my explanation is that they killed poor Biggie, maybe by accident and now they are trying to pass it off like he’s still alive and kicking somewhere out there in Montana.  Next, they will be telling us Santa and the Tooth Fairy aren’t real.  These people won’t stop at anything eh?

I demand an autopsy.  Heck, I want to see a death certificate.  This has politics written all over it.   A demonstration is in the works.   I am occupying something until I get answers as to why they went and killed Bigfoot!

Hey, but wouldn’t it be funny if indeed an adult were to actually be that dumb  to stand in traffic while trying to scare people by pretending to be Bigfoot? Nah, no one would be that stupid.  Face it, Bigfoot got killed.

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One dirty old man

In case some of you didn’t know, having a son is a big deal, not that daughters don’t hold their own in  the ‘big deal’ department but as far as I know, no one has ever sacrificed their personal hygiene for a chance of having a daughter.

In a story that sounds a lot like Snoop Dogg Lion’s, an indian man went to see a priest about having a son. The advice he got was to not shower or bathe.  Thirty eight years and seven daughters later, still no son and still no bath.

Now a few things come to mind when reading this outrageous story.   ‘His wife has threatened to stop sleeping in the same bed as him if he didn’t bathe.’  What sort of a threat is that? Every day for the last thirty eight years? By now I think Mr. Dirtyoldman is immune to her empty threats. “Look here dirtbag!  You better clean up your act or I swear this time I won’t sleep in the same bed with you.  Don’t laugh, this time I am dead serious!  You still smell like the curry we cooked last month.”   His response probably goes something like this, “Tut Tut, you say that all the time.  You like the smell don’t you?  Acqua di BiO (B.O as in Body Odor) is your favorite cologne.”

All jokes aside, what does this guy and Snoop Lion have in common?  A lot.  They both worship at the same church, apparently, and meditate using the same drug.  Oh, and they both follow instructions very well, no matter how ridiculous.

Smell you later!

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The Lowdown On How To Be Freshly Pressed

Justin Bieber, Snoop Dog or even Porn are not going to get me featured on WordPress bloggers’ pedestal, Freshly Pressed.  I know this because I have read the blogs that got pressed.  I have my personal version of FP and it’s called,  ‘Recent Posts’, find it on my site.  But if you, like other fanatic bloggers out there, are seeking fame and fortune, read on for the lowdown on how to have your fifteen seconds of fame.

Do you have great photos? Scratch that, do you have some black and white pics of whatever?  The Twin Towers, a beach, somewhere?  Post it in a blog.  Doesn’t matter the content, the pictures will tell the story.  Photos of food, clothing, statues, animals, are also sure to get you noticed.  You don’t believe me? browse FP for yourself.

Recipes are another surefire means of getting some attention.  It doesn’t have to be of anything tasty or even legit.  Heck, make one up off the top of your head.  Be sure to use exotic ingredients and call it something different, like ‘How to make Mazxiikl’.  Oh and add pictures as you go along.  Pictures DO NOT have to match food.  A photo of a big mac will do.

Here’s a good one, travel blogs.  This is almost guaranteed to get you FP’d.   Now I am not saying to get up and leave the confines of your computer chair and book a trip just so  you could be one of the lucky few.  No no.  Google some pics of Greece, Rome, Italy, Zimbabwe, Rhodesia…  getting where I am going with this?  Make sure there is water, lakes, rivers, oceans and then describe each photo with something like this, ‘Took this shot from the window of our guest house.  What a lovely day it was.’  How fricking easy is that? And voila! you are on your way to counting stars.  I am almost jealous already.

Hmmm…before I go, let me see if I miss anything.  Stick men are good and so are books, politics and movies.  Don’t be hesitant, you need not know squat about any of them, most bloggers don’t either but they are on FP aren’t they? So go for it!  (Some people will try to tell you how you should follow this rule and that rule and use perfect english etc but it’s all nonsense.  Just a blog topic for them).

I can’t think of anymore right now but if I do, I will be sure to pass it on.   Good luck on your aspirations to be Freshly Pressed.  Read you later!

Note: Please don’t be too surprised if your blog lacks substance but still garners 300+ likes.

Bieber’s hair today, maybe gone tomorrow

Bieber Bald

Bieber Bald (Photo credit: uvw916a)

What’s this I hear about that little brat Justin Bieber, giving beauty tips to none other than Prince William?  Ok, now he’s getting too big for his britches.  No no, not William, Bieber.   Well ok, his diapers then?

I am not sure how to take the Baby Face Assassin, Justin.  I was a fan when he first came out (not the closet), but since I watched a piece on him a few years ago where he was calling his teacher a monkey and misbehaving to his mom, I lost the love.

But anyways, the little man apparently looking for some air time, and knowing that nothing gets attention like publicly attacking royalty, he took advantage.  It’s the same kind of fame afforded to killers like Lee Harvey Oswald et al.  The only difference, they were professionals.  Justin ain’t no trained hairstylist.  (Saw what I just did there? I said ain’t with reckless abandon, forsaking all blogging rules and guidelines.  Now I’m in for it.  Here comes the linguist).

“I mean, there are things to prevent that nowadays, like Propecia,” Bieber, 18, told the U.K.’s Rollercoaster magazine about the 30-year-old royal’s thinning hair. “I don’t know why he doesn’t just get those things, those products. You just take Propecia and your hair grows back. Have you not got it over here?”

That’s what the Biebs had to say about William’s age-related thinning hair.

“I mean, there are things to prevent little, annoying boys from opening their mouth nowadays, like duct tape, Funnysideupandscrambled, age not given, told blogsite about the the 18-year-old unwanted and inappropriate advice.  “I don’t know why  he just doesn’t shut up, these duct tape, you just put them over your mouth and you can’t speak out of turn.  Have they not got it over here?”

And that’s what a blogger had to say about the Biebs  unsolicited remarks.

“Utter rubbish!” The Queen was heard to mutter when told about Justin’s comments.  “That little brat needs a scolding, the likes of which has never been seen in the commonwealth! She should bloody well shut up and leave poor Will alone! Drat it!  (Or maybe that was ‘swat it’).

When asked to comment, Justin’s response was “‘OMG! The Queen spoke my name!”

Note:  The Queen was later corrected on the fact that Justin Bieber was indeed a boy and not a girl as she evidently thought.  


Lost In A Porn Maze

My new friend, Sophy

Recently, while  on a torrent site searching for a movie to download,  I noticed a small chat window had opened up on my screen.   In the video box, a young, scantily clad hussy was trying to get my attention.  “Hey, I can see you there.  Are you lonely tonight?  Let’s chat”.  What?!  How did that happen?  I swear I was not soliciting.  How the heck can she even see me?  I hastily checked my camera to made sure it was not accidentally turned on, then I did the right thing.

I clicked on the ‘close window’ button.   I bet you thought I engaged her in conversation huh?  If you did, thanks for thinking so highly of me.  With a wife and three kids, it’s hard to be that lonely.  Anyways, to my horror and surprise, another and much bigger window opened up as soon as  I clicked ‘close’.  They brought out the big guns this time.  Upped the ante so to speak.

This new page had pics of various girls in inviting poses, wearing nothing but inviting smiles.  Ok, so you want to play rough?  I went to  ‘window’, ‘close all’.  ‘Are you sure you want to navigate away from this page?’  An option box asked me.   You bet your ass I do!  Right now, before my wife or kids come in the room! I again did the right thing and pressed ‘YES’.  The window closed.

Now back to my torrent search.  What the…? What’s this now?  Instead of a torrent site, there was now a live chat girl sitting in front of her computer as natural as could be.  She had that girl-next-door look and for a second I hesitated.  Ok two seconds.  Well maybe a minute or two, who’s counting?  I just wanted to make sure she was real,  yes she, not they.   Then for what I hoped was the final time, I clicked ‘close’.  This time there were no other window on my screen but my torrent  window.  I minimized it to make sure there were no more girls lurking behind my window ready to pounce on poor, innocent me.

Readers, all I wanted to do was download Aladin for my kids. I never expected to navigate through a porn field to get at it.   So you be careful out there.  Well unless you do enjoy a good porn on the cub.  Ladies, don’t think you are exempt, there are hot black men hiding behind your window as we speak, wondering if you are lonely tonight and want to chat.  Aha! I saw you look!  I didn’t mean THAT window, you horn dog!

What’s in a name?

The Olympics sure have its share of funny moments, don’t you agree?  There is that Bulgarian, aptly named Vania Stambelova (pronounced like ‘stumble over’), who actually lived up to her name by stumbling over a hurdle while running in the 400m heats.  Talking about apt names, how about Usain ‘The Lightning’ Bolt?  Bolt? Seriously?  What were his parents thinking?  That he would become the world’s fastest man?   Yeah right.  While on the topic of names, how about the Korean pole vaulter, Kim Yoo Suk?  I can hear the crowd chanting,  KIM YOU SUCK!  How motivating.

While watching vaulting, I heard the announcer say, ‘There are no Poles in vaulting’.  I thought, what? How could this be?  It took me a while before I realized that he meant that Poland did not have an athlete in that event…I AM KIDDING! I just felt like yanking your chain there.  Have a chuckle, will you?

What else can I say about the Olympics? Oh yeah, we, as in Canada, won gold in Trampoline, proving we have the best trampoliner in the world.  Take that China! In  your face USA!  We even got a 4th place finish too.  Wait a minute! How did we get two athletes in the top 5?  Are you saying the other countries do no take trampolining seriously? Well I’ll be damned!  Who cares, a win’s a win.  We will take it as we are in no position to argue.  Karen COCKBURN was our fourth place finisher.  Now what prompted me to capitalize her last name…  If I had that last name, I’d be seeing me a doctor.  I am thinking she should maybe have a talk with LUBA Golovina, the 7th place finisher.  She might be able to provide some relief.  In a strange twist, the winner of the men’s trampoline event was China’s Dong Dong.  Not touching that.  No! I don’t mean I am not touching dong… actually forget it.

In the weightlifting category, the Chinese are unbeatable.  Lulu Zhou set a record with her snatch.  Did that come out wrong? Snatch is the term used for weightlifting so I said it right, right? Anyways, Lulu cleans and jerks like a boss.  For some strange reason, that just sounded so wrong right there.  No puns intended if any were found.  After all, it’s only a name.

Lindsay Lohan, the shy virgin

Lindsay Lohan at Calvin Klein Spring 2007 Fash...

It’s not coming off, unless…

Awww…Lindsay is sooo cute!  While recently filming a sex scene, she got rather uncomfortable, I’m sure we could all understand why, given her uncheckered past and all.  She just couldn’t handle being topless in front of ogling eyes.  Know what she did to cope with this embarrassing situation? She asked the entire male production clue to go topless as well.  Talk about picturing everyone naked as a way to beat the the jitters.  When you have money, there’s no need to use your imagination, you get the real thing.

When I said I could understand it, I was lying.  I can’t understand why someone whose most intimate parts are splashed all over the internet, would have qualms about doing a topless scene for a movie to boot.  (Apparently, when she did the movie ‘Machete’ rumors had it that she was nude for most of the filming).  So I really don’t understand this sudden coyness.  Who is she trying to impress?

Note:  After I wrote the above, I did some more digging into this story and found out that Lindsay Lohan was not embarrassed by the fact that she was topless but the fact that she still had her bottoms on.  According to her, she was not ‘used to being partially nude’.  Phew! That makes it more digestible.  Thanks for clearing that up, Linz.  Oh, she also added, ‘Seeing the men in just their boxers was like viagra to me and totally prepped me for my part’.  You go girl! Polish up that Oscar for Lindsay.

Just for the records, Linz starred sans clothing in Playboy, Machete, The Last Sitting (As a nude Marilyn Munroe), and various ‘leaked’ nude vids and pics on the internet.

Oh Lindsay…

Snoop and the ghost of Bob Marley

Snoop Dogg - Hovefestivalen 2012

Snoop Dogg – Hovefestivalen 2012 (Photo credit: NRK P3)

Do I ever have a good one for you guys. Just wait until you hear this.  You all know Snoop Dog, right? Remember Snoop Doggy Dog? The gaunt rapper with the long hair? If not don’t worry, I think there’s another person out there who doesn’t either, so don’t feel bad.

Anyways, Snoop Dog recently visited Jamaica and while he was partaking of the Jamaican way of life and enjoying some ganja or chronic or collie or whatever they call it these days, he started hallucinating.  Yep, I kid you not. He started having weird hallucinations.   Trust me, I heard it straight from the horse’s mouth.

In Snoop’s vision, he saw the late great Bob Marley and please tell me you have heard of Brother Bob, please.  Bob had a long chat with Snoop and apparently even sang one his popular songs, ‘Zion Lion’ to the Dog.  After he came to his senses, Snoop felt as though Marley was sending him some sort of message in his vision so he went in seek of the local Rastafarian priest.  Or was it a priestess? He asked the priestess if she would like to star in some DVD reality show he was producing.  Wait! I got my facts confused.  It was indeed a priest that he went to see, not a priestess.  He told his story to the priest and was told that he had to convert to Rastafarianism.  This involved a name change and the release of a Reggae CD.  He had to vow to smoke marijuana daily for meditational purposes.  He reluctantly agreed to this after some arm twisting.

Marley performing at Dalymount Park

Marley performing at Dalymount Park (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So our hero changed his name to, yeah you guessed it, Snoop Lion! Snoop Lion.  Sure has a cute ring to it, doesn’t it?  No it doesn’t.  As if Snoop Dog wasn’t bad enough…it sounds dumb.  But anyways, our Dog was transformed into a Lion all because of a vision he had of Bob Marley.  Trust me on this one.

Yeah mon, de Lion irie!

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