Pluto, where are you now?

Pluto crossed out

Pluto crossed out (Photo credit: davidwboswell)

Know who or what I missed today? Hey! How did you guess? Oh nevermind, the damn topic gave it away.  But yes, I missed Pluto.  Not the God of the underground from Greek legend. I am talking about Pluto the ninth planet, well until a few years ago, six years to be exact, when some smart-ass decided it had to go.  It was too small to be considered a planet. So small that they took his name away and gave him a number, 134340.  Pure embarrassment to the little guy.

You could shove that ‘too small’ crap up Uranus! You are just blowing smoke out of your axis!  How would you like it if one day your wife said you were too small to be considered a man? Pluto was not too small.  Good things come in small packages and that could be said of my buddy. They system screwed Pluto!  Yes, the very solar system that he was part of, no longer wanted anything to do with him.  The even called him as a dwarf! A dwarf! Now how rude is that?

Well Pluto my good friend, I don’t know what you are up to these days but I miss you bro, very much. To me, you’ll always be considered a planet.  The ninth planet. I don’t care what anyone says, you deserve that right.  You know what, man? I should look you up sometime. Peace bro!

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Sex toy or pain in the ass?

Warning:  Graphic language

 

Eel

Eel (Photo credit: rach2k)

What’s that wriggly sensation in my rectum? Ooohhh….aahhhh….I. Must. Go. To. The. Doctor. And. Get. It. Removed.  Oooh…It’s gonna make me cum!! Aarrrggghhh!!  Shit!

Now that I have your attention with that opener, let’s get down to some serious blogging.  A man complaining of wanted unwanted sensation in his rectum, went to the doctor and found out he had an eel slipping and sliding along like it owned the joint.  The man was at first reluctant to part with this foreign object of pleasure, understandably, but had to out of embarrassment.  He did however, asked if he could keep the creature.

Apparently, this man was not alone in regards to having an eel in his nether regions.  A Chinese man also had one taking up residence in his bladder.  It had apparently made its way through the head of his penis and up his urethra.  Don’t ask.  Sounds to me like a rogue eel wandering into places it shouldn’t have. My guess is it was probably fun until it crossed the border.

Could you imagine an eel playing turtle with your sphincter?  Now you see me, now you don’t…This game is getting boring, I’ll go play with the old prostate and see what happens…

The moral of this story?  Some exits are not to be used as entrances.

That ‘Gym’ Look

Have you ever loitered outside a gym? Maybe Shapes? Come on, you can admit it, we are all friends here on WordPress.  Anyways, I haven’t either.  Well not exactly loitered, maybe spent longer than necessary but nothing deserving a call to the local police to have me removed.

Recently, I was outside the Shapes gym in my area, minding my own business.  OF COURSE I WAS! HOW DARE YOU DOUBT ME AND QUESTION MY MOTIVES? Have you ever looked at the people going into and coming out of Shapes? It’s usually Shapes since it’s one of the top class gyms around.  And I don’t mean leer, I meant look, like the way I was looking.

I saw a guy walking towards the door.  He had this look on his face that said, “Yeah, look at me, I’m heading in there for a heavy workout. I pump iron.” He walked with a swagger and an attitude.  He glanced around a few times to make sure he was seen getting into a gym.

Behind Mr. muscle-head, came a hot looking number clad in lulu lemon workout gear. She walked with a brisk determination towards the door.  Her walk said, “I can’t wait to get in there and do my shit and get out.” or maybe, ‘Whose that idiot sitting in the car?’

I saw chicks walked in looking like they were on a runway, some had so much makeup, their facial muscle had to be been hard from lifting all that weight. I saw guys strut in looking like King Shit. Or just a gay Arnold. Is that what gyms do to people?

Driving away, well even a stalker must leave sometime, I noticed blondie to my left getting ready to get into her car after a hard workout.  I know it was hard because her lulu-lemon-clad butt testified to that. She saw me looking and flashed me ‘the look’.  It’s the look that said, ‘Haul your lazy ass in there and get in shape instead of sitting around out here watching us! You little pervert!” Honestly babe, it’s not like that, you see I was just in the neighborhood and…and…nevermind.

Fifty Shades Of Black

My wife just finished reading the book Fifty Shades Of Grey and I have just completed…nevermind.  None o’ yer bizness what I just completed.  But anyways she did read all the books that all the women are reading or have read.  Even my friends who are in none-ogamous relationships are getting their reads on.  I am not sure what they are going to do with the knowledge that great, crazy, fantastic, multiple-orgasm-inducing sex is out there to be had.  Sex toys sale just went through the roof, people!

From the running commentary that I was getting from my wife as she read, I realized that I am no Mr. Grey and won’t be anytime soon.  So instead, she’ll be getting Fifty Shades Of Black.  (I’m black, you got it?).   I admit, I did try to read a couple sentences.  Why not? Curiosity is my middle name.  It was a smorgasbord of sex! In all colors, not just grey.  Poorly written but reeking of sex, and sex sells.    And porn blogs get the hits.

This books were such a phenomenon that people were actually lending it to their moms to read after they were done.  I can’t imagine lending my mom anything that had the remotest link to sex.  Call me old fashioned but I don’t roll like that.  “Oh hey Mommy, I just finished reading this book that just about every other woman has read.  It has tons of crazy, wild sex.  This guy is insatiable, mommy. He gets this chick to be like his sex slave and she does whatever he wants.  Here, borrow it and we will discuss it when you are done with it.  Love you, mommy.‘  That sounded wrong on all fronts.  Heck, I shouldn’t have even got it for my wife.  But I did and must now face the consequences.

I have to run now, the wife is calling me from upstairs, scantily clad and dangling a pair of handcuffs…I’m so tired but must do what a man must do.  I’ll be right up, honey.  I’m just on the phone with your mom. We are discussing that book you just read.’

Lady Gaga Loves My Meat

Gaga over the meat

Lady Gaga would go to any heights to get attention, that includes wearing anything also.  Her most outrageous was the meat dress she wore, complete with hat also made of meat, to the 2010 MTV Awards.

Last week at a concert, she wore another meat ensemble.  A bikini this time, ‘a strapless, bottomless “meat” corset with a meat thong up the back.’  She even loves the meat up her ass!! Oh dear!  Apparently she was seen wearing other meaty get-ups on other occasions.

The woman loves the meat. She cannot complain when someone leer at her. Yes, of course they are looking at you like a piece of meat, Gaga!  What a waste of talent!  I am not sure what message Gaga is trying to send, except that she loves meat, so whatever it is, it is lost in translation.

At least the paparazzi always know where to find her, just follow the flies or the rotting stench of flesh.  I bet or hope that her concerts are ‘No Dogs Allowed’.

Psst…I’ve got a secret

I am bursting at the seams.  I can hardly contain myself!  It’s such a great feeling to know something that no one else does.  Ok let me calm down so I can let you in on this life changing secret.

Well the secret is, I AM GOING TO BE RICH!! Eat your heart out, suckers! You are probably thinking,  “Why are we following this lunatic blogger? What is he on now?”  “Why am I even reading this?”  Think what you want but this blogger is going to be loaded faster than you can say ‘whatever!’.   Never mind, I am sorry for deviating from the script.  But here’s what happen.  Give me a sec while I settle myself down.

Today while at work, my fax machine beeped, signalling the arrival of a fax.  I reached for it and lo and behold, it was from the son of a late president of Ghana!  Late as in dead, not as in tardy.  From the fax, I guess he sort of knows me because he did not say ‘ma’am’, he said ‘sir’.  So how could he have known the recipient was a male?  He had to have known somehow.  Right?

I am not gullible so of course I went and I googled this guy who said he was the son of a President and sure enough, he was indeed who he said he was.  I am so happy! Today is my lucky day! My ship has finally come in!  Thank you Mr. Mills!

The fax started: ““Sir, I am Mr. Samuel Kofi Atta Mills, the son of the late Ghanaian President who died on the 24th of July, 2012. I’m contacting you in view of the fact that we may be of great assistance to each other, likewise developing a cordial business relationship. I currently inherited the sum of ninety five million US dollars ($95,000,000.00) which I intend to use for investment purposes specifically in your country. Best Regards.”

He went on to assure me that I would have to deposit the funds into my account before I could spend it and so he understandably, he needed all my personal information which I was more than happy to give.  For $95,000,000, I would give ANYTHING to ANYONE.

I now await my fortune.   I also included some links to show that Mr. Samuel Kofi Atta Mills is indeed legit.  ( I think I am going to start calling him Sam).

http://news1.ghananation.com/latest-news/270090-samuel-kofi-atta-mills-mills-son-organises-separate-funeral.html

http://www.ghanatoghana.com/Ghanahomepage/atta-mills-son-samuel-kofi-atta-mills-resurfaces

Publicizing The Royal Privates

Prince Harry and Kate Middleton at the Garter ...

Prince Harry and Kate Middleton with their privates covered.

In what many are calling an embarrassment to the Royal Palace but which I rather call, Harry and Kate’s excellent adventures, the royal youngsters’ assets have been creating a media buzz lately.  And I’m not talking about their riches.

While on a recent getaway in Vegas, Prince Harry bought into the belief that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.  The only thing was that some of his cell-phone-baring-scantily-clad-strip-billiards-playing gals did not get that memo.  We all know what happened after, his crown jewels were displayed all over the web for all to see.  Some balls…

Less than a month after Harry gave the world a peak at what a prince looks like under their princely garment, Kate Middleton, the Duchess of York and also his sister-in-law, also found out that private does not necessarily mean private.  At least in terms of location.  While sunbathing in a private house in France, she opted to let her private parts go public.  She did not figure that technology had given rise to the long ranged camera.  She couldn’t escape the long arm of the paparazzi.  Yes, her puppies also met the same fate as Harry’s jewels.

The royal family called the latest baring, ‘grotesque’.  I am betting that there is nothing grotesque about Kate’s puppies.  We are talking about Kate Middleton here, she doesn’t do grotesque.

What we have all found out from this over-hyped titbit (or is it tidbit?) is that even though they may be royalties, these people are still humans like you and me.  Well maybe more like you but that’s not the point.  It should not be shocking that they are ‘caught’ doing the things many of us consider normal behavior even if a bit edgy.  Yes, they are held to a higher standard of responsibility because of their positions but bear in mind they have never been given a choice.  Their entire lives have been planned for them.  What do you expect from a life like this?  All in all, they are a good bunch of kids who have managed to go through life without much hiccups for the most part.  Leave them alone and let’s feel privileged to have gotten a peak at the Royal Puppies and the Crown Jewels.

Note:   My apologies for misrepresenting the facts.  The palace was not commenting on Kate’s anatomy when it used the word ‘grotesque’.  They were actually referring to the act of posting the pics as ‘grotesque and unjustifiable’.   So much for speed reading.

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