Say ‘cheese’ and hand over your purse!

This image shows a Nikon D200 camera with a Ni...

If you go to Winnipeg, Canada, don’t be alarmed if you see a rough-looking thug approaching you and ready to shoot. A photo that is.

In an effort to curb rising violence involving firearms, city police are turning to something unusual, offering cameras for guns.  Turn in your Glock and get a Minolta.  Sounds like a fair trade to me but it wreaks havoc on a thug’s street cred.  “Yo homes, what you packing, man?”  “I got me a 35 with telescopic lens.”  “Wow man! That sounds sick! Who makes that shit?”  “Nikon, bro.”

I am hoping there are some thugs out there who were just in the business because they were trying to make money to buy themselves a camera so they could live out their dreams of becoming a photographer.  You never know, right?  At least they already have the ‘point and shoot’ down pat.

Police are pointing out that gun owners are not to take their guns to camera shops for the exchange.  Apparently it creates a hostile environment and can maybe scare the crap out of the store keeper.

Chris Brown Exposes Himself!

Chris Brown

Chris Brown (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In more useless celebrity news, as if we don’t have enough of those, Chris Brown recently exposed himself. No, not that way so calm down. And no, I don’t have pics. You sex-starved people… Chris chose to exposed himself on the Popular social network, Twitter.  No! I said it’s not about pics!

The woman-beating Brown, tweeted something about how he’s been looking much older than his 23 years.  In his words, he looked ‘as old as fu@@.’  Jenny Johnson, a famous comedy writer who I’ve never heard of until this Chris Brown story, added her two cents worth by replying. “yeah, gal beaters like your sorry ass look old and used up real fast. Get used to it, you piece of sh**!!  If I were Riri, I would have ripped your little dick off and…nevermind.”  Come to think of it, I’m not 100% sure that’s what she said.    Either that or she said, “Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person.”  I am not sure which one but you get the gist.

So the immacho (I made that up) Brown got upset.  He went ballistic!  He threatened to relieve himself on the poor woman’s face, (not number 1, number 2!) and to pass gas while she pleased him orally.   How mature.   Punch-drunk Rihanna sure knows how to pick em.  He also said something about pooping on her retina! Yes! He said that! My 6-year old doesn’t even talk like that. Poop on retina? Delivering a stool sample to her retinal lab?  (No, he didn’t say that, I made it up as it sounds kinda cool).  Who says shit like that?  Well what else would I expect from someone who not only hit women but bites them too?

I pity the fool. Oops, sorry fools, I meant Chris Brown. He has a lot of shit going on in his life. Rihanna is not exactly the brightest bulb ever exported from Barbados either for returning to the scene of the crime and hooking up with the perp.

So that is the extent of it. An ignoramus exposing himself, proving once again that even if you take a pig into a castle, it will still be a pig.

writing all this crap really poops me right out!

 

Don’t Tickle Me Elmo!

Elmo

Elmo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well some friends you guys are.  Didn’t even have the decency to tell me that Elmo is gay, not that it matters or anything wrong with it but I like to keep abreast of what’s going on, especially when it’s down my favorite street.  Sesame street that is, to those slow on the uptake.

Let’s get this straight before you run home blabbering to your kids that the Elmo they love is not only gay, (and there’s nothing wrong with that) but also practicing pedophile.  (Lots wrong with that!).  They are only allegations and he’s innocent until he’s proven guilty.  Or is that the other way around?  Apparently, two men are accusing the puppeteer of inappropriate tickling.  In a high-pitched voice, he allegedly said, ‘Me Elmo.  Elmo wants to play with you.  Come tickle me’.   To ease their suspicions, he gave them a test tickle to get things going.  Just kidding about the testicle joke! Sorry for making light of a serious situation.

So anyways, the puppeteer who has been in charge of sticking his hand up Elmo’s butt for many years, is facing charges from at least two adult men who claimed that he had sexual encounters with them when they were under the age of consent.  That’s bad on all fronts if you ask me.  You didn’t  ask? I’m telling you it’s wrong anyways. Kevin Clash, the puppet handler, has denied the claims.  He maintains his innocence.

One of the worst crimes in my book is pedophilia.  Why? Because it robs our kids of their innocence and ruin their future. It leaves scars that sometimes never heal and in some cases, could have tragic consequences.  It should never be taken lightly and any allegation or accusations should be thoroughly investigated..  As parents, we should also make sure that we provide a comfortable and safe environment  to our children so they could speak out if they were ever a victim of this crime.

Saying this, I also have qualms about victims who come out of the woodwork years later saying that they were sexually abused as kids.  Kudos to them for finally finding the strength to do so but for those who immediately seek financial restitution.  instead of saying, “I was sexually abused by so and so and I am now able to find the strength to reveal it so everyone would know that so and so is not a nice person’, they say, “I was sexually molested and I want $5 million dollars”. Seriously? You want money?  And how exactly is that going to help you? And how did you come to that nice rounded figure? Got some quotes from a few shrinks and lawyers?  You see my point here folks?

Now you can go and try to explain all this to your kids, or leave it be. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.  Or would it?

I tried to reach Elmo to get his side of the story but he had no comment.

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Honey, what’s that noise?

“Honey, what’s that noise?” My wife’s words would interrupt my dreams and bring me from the depths of sleep, unwillingly.  I faintly hear a sound of something as my sense of hearing is not yet re-adjusted and tuned to my worldly surroundings.  “Hmm…I dunno”. I replied groggily.  Laying it on a bit in the hopes that she would recognize that I was in a deep sleep and let me continue from where I left off.  It was not to be.

“What is it, Babes?”  She asked.  Well, we are both lying in bed, I was way off in la la land frolicking with Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba until you rudely woke me up.  How would I know what was making that sound?  Maybe it was a cat but since we don’t have a cat, I will say the dog.  Come to think of it, we don’t own a dog so let’s go with ghost. Yes, a ghost.  Our house is haunted!  Wait, not so fast.  I haven’t explored all options yet.  Maybe it was a precariously balanced object succumbing to gravity.  I like that one as it exercised my vocabulary and made me sound smart.  But honey, I have not clue what it is.

“Can you go check?”  Again she persists.  “Hell no!  I am not going down there to face who or whatever made that noise!”  I declared.  “Well you are the man of the house! You should.”  Gosh, if I knew that being a man came with all these responsibilities I would have been a girl.  “Fine!  I’ll go check.  You stay here under your comfy covers!”  Armed to the teeth with a shoe and broom, she tiptoed out of the bedroom and that’s the last time I saw my wife.  Just kidding, it’s not a fairy tale, this is true stuff.

So off she went to confront the noise-maker and rude-waker-upper.  Two minutes later, she was back.  Shoe uncocked and unloaded, broom re-sheathed. “What was it?”  I ventured to ask.  “Oh nothing.  Just the furnace.”

I closed my eyes and tried to summon up the Jessicas again.  Come back girls! Daddy’s back.  Now where were we?

The joys of being man…

Husband has no drive to vote so wife runs him over

This way to vote

A woman was driven…No sorry, I take that back.  A car was driven…Wrong again.  A man was driven?  I have no clue how to introduce this blog about a woman who became so distraught over Barack Obama’s re-election that she immediately went looking for non-voters who she thought were responsible for the election results by their failure to cast a vote.  She didn’t have to look too far as her own husband was guilty of not showing up at the polls.

It started out as a verbal assault in a parking lot.  As the poor husband cowered behind a shrub, or was it a lamp-post?  Holly his wife, screamed  at him. “You asshole!  Because of you, that, that, that damn guy is President again!  You low down piece of shit!  My mom was right! I should not have married you!  You were too lazy to go out and vote for err…what’s his name there! The mittens guy, Romney!”

Danny, the poor husband ventured, “But honey, I love you.  It was raining that day and Hurricane Sandy was on my mind and and and…” “Shut up!   You non-participatory baboon!”  Holly yelled back.  “Get out from behind that lamp-post!”  The husband complied willingly and that’s when Holly drove straight at him.  He tried to race the car across the parking lot but fell.  As he got up, he was hit like a deer and pinned beneath the car.  Holly calmly got out, straightened her dress, grabbed her purse and walked away, leaving Daniel bleeding and critically wounded. The police later caught up to her and she was arrested and charge for something or the other.  As for Daniel, he will be ok.

If this sounded a bit far-fetched, don’t blame me. It’s outrageous and unbelievable but it did happen.  Read it here.

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Why I have another blog

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde po...

I started blogging just over a year ago.  It was a private affair that later turned into an ‘invite only’.  I wasn’t keen on everyone reading my thoughts.  After a couple of months and some urging from friends and family, I went fully public.  I must confess, it wasn’t an easy thing for me.  I am usually a very private person when it comes to my thoughts.  I am more a listener than a talker.  (Ok, maybe I feared the criticism too).

Going public was great for stats.  (I shared my blogs on Facebook, Twitter and other sites).  I watched as my followers and daily views increased.  it was fun! Then I realized something.  My writing had changed.  I was now second guessing each blog and its contents.  What would this person say when she reads this?  Oh, I can’t write this. I have a friend with this issue and they will think I’m writing about them.  Would my friends like this one? They are going to see me differently after reading this one.  It was as though I had lost the cloak of anonymity.  And so I started another blog.

With this blog, I regained my anonymous status.  It is public but I do not advertise it to my friends or family.  If they happen to find it on WP, they would not be able to make the connection.  A month ago, I had to show my wife a few of the blogs as I thought they were well written pieces.  She was unhappy that I had not bothered to tell her that I had a new blog.  I explained that I wanted a blog that I could feel free to write however and whatever I want.   I mean seriously, do I want my mom to read blogs about me trying not to have an erection on massage tables?  Of course not!  My mom and I don’t have that kind of relationship.

I have more fun writing funnysideupandscrambled than any of my other blogs.  It’s like a Jekyll and Hyde personality.   With this blog, you, yes you, are very lucky.  You get to see a side of me that has never before been revealed.  You see the side of me that only a bff would see.

And plain and simple, that’s why I have another blog.  Now go and explore it and come back often.

How to pretend to know everything while knowing nothing without getting busted

Conversation

Conversation (Photo credit: Peter Nijenhuis)

Every once in a while, we get ourselves into these juicy conversations where the people we are conversing with seem to know everything that we don’t no about.  We feel dumb by comparison.  Then before we can simmer in our juices of self pity, we hear, “Do you know blah blah blah…?”  Well gosh darn it! We don’t know crap about blah blah blah.  We don’t even know one blah, but to admit this would be like farting loudly in an crowded elevator.  So we stammer and stutter our way through a plausible answer, meant to be in the affirmative.  We are not fooling anyone.   Now you, my friend, are on your own as I no longer get into ‘these conversations’ for you see, I’ve mastered the art of  pretending to know everything.

I am one who pride myself on being smarter than the average dude or dudette.  I can’t stand not knowing anything.  I need to know it all.  To make up for my shortcomings and give myself a voice in brainy conversations, I developed and practice a way where I can mingle and rub elbows with the geeks and nerds without being detected for a fraud or impostor.  I know you are sitting on the edge of your well-worn chair waiting for the recipe for this cutting-edge invention.  Well here are a few real-life scenarios to point you in the right direction.

Scenario one:  My Car is making funny noises.  I have no clue what it could be as my expertise in this area is limited. Very limited.  BUT, I’ve been in conversations where the topic was engines and cars so I still remember the names of some engine parts.  Maybe I don’t know what they mean but I can pronounce them with an air of knowledge.  I take the car to a reputable garage, go up to the garage man or engineer or whatever they call themselves and go, “Good Morning, on my way to work this morning, I noticed a funny sound coming from my tranny.  (Not that kind of tranny) It sounds like I might have a loose timing belt or an alternator issue.”  That’s it. I am done.  I have no clue what the heck I just said and the garage guy doesn’t either.  If he’s reputable, he shouldn’t.  But, I sounded like I knew something about cars and I am also respectably dressed so he thinks twice about fleecing me.  He probably goes in and tells his buddy, “This guy knows his stuff so be careful.  Use genuine Nissan parts.”

Scenario two: Here’s one you could possibly relate to.  I am in a conversation with my ultra smart friends. What am I doing hanging out with these nerds anyways? The topic is movies and I am not good with knowing movie stars or remembering movies for that matter.  They are talking about a particular star, say Ben Affleck.  I know shit about him BUT, I know that he dated Jennifer, which Jennifer? I don’t know.  I want to keep up with the conversation, so I added my two cents and believe me, that’s all it’s really valued at.  “Oh that Ben, I remember his Bennifer thing he had going there.  Ben.  He was sure something else eh? (I am Canadian so the ‘eh’ comes into play).  Great actor too.”  He’s not the Ben in Fantastic Four, is he?  I am sure  he was in some sort of a war movie too but at the moment can’t remember (Pearl Harbor).  “That war movie he did was sick!”  By now my nerdy friends are seeing me as almost an equal, so I shut up and say no more.  “Yeah!” They agreed,  “Pearl Harbor was da bomb!”

Scenario three: Doctor’s appointment.  This is a favorite as there are too many sad doctors out there who are in it just for the money.  They race you through their office with a misdiagnosis as fast as they can.  To counter this, I Google my symptoms then armed with a bit of info, I walk into my doctor’s office with, “I am having weird pains right  here, (point in  the right area or don’t point), do you think it’s pancreatic in nature?”  Now what I have done now is forced my doctor to actually look at me.  I could be far off in my self-diagnosis but who cares? Now he has to verify or eliminate what I just told him.

When he’s done, I don’t just sit and listen, I ask questions. You have to keep him on his toes here. Treatment, prognosis, side effects, these are some of the questions I throw out. Next visit, he’ll remember me as the guy who knows something about medicine.  Even though I don’t. Think poker.

Warning:  It is imperative that what you tell the doctor is at least closely related to your how you are feeling.  Do not use terms that are not applicable.  Once, I meant to tell a nurse that I was a hypochondriac but instead told her that i was a schizophrenic.  Imagine my embarrassment when I later realized what I had said.

There are more scenarios like the ones listed here. Work related, spouse related, there’s one for every situation.  You can be a virtual know-it-all without even knowing it.

You are thinking, “This is old news.  My boss already use this tactic.”  Well the fact that you know your boss uses it means he is BUSTED.  It’s all about execution baby.

The Reluctant WordPress Model

The reluctant Klichkos, forced to model for WordPress

Vladmir Klichko was not having a good day.  In fact, he was having a terrible day.  He should have been playing with his kids,  5-year old Alexander  and 2-year old Alyssa, but here he was, reluctantly posing for a photo for some blog-hosting website called WordPress.  At least that’s what he was told.

The day started out as any other for the Klitchko family.  Vladmir’s wife had died last year and he was left to take care of the children by himself.  Today being Sunday, he planned on taking them to church then for ice cream.  They were dressed and getting ready to leave when it all went downhill.

As Alexander and his sister were at the front door putting their coats on, the door burst open and in stormed 3 members of the Secret Police. “Hands in the air and stay where you are!” They shouted.  The kids immediately started to cry and Vladmir instantly and instinctively ran over to comfort them. “We said stop!” The man closest to him growled and slammed his gun butt on the back of his head.  Vladmir crumpled to the floor in a heap.  Luckily, he was still conscious and there was no blood.  “What do you want from us?”  He asked, trying to sound brave.  The one who first issued the order to stay put stepped forward until he was standing close to Vladmir.  “Listen carefully.  We were sent here by WordPress.  Our order was to get you to pose for a photo with your kids.”

Vladmir was confused.  What the hell is WordPress?  Why me? What do they want with a picture and why send the secret police?  Were the questions that went through his head.  To the speaker who was obviously the leader also, he asked, “What is our photo going to be used for?”  He was curious and afraid of what the answer might be.  He was even more confused by what it was.  “We need your photo as a motivation for WordPress’ Weekly Writing Challenge.”  “What’s that?” He ventured to ask. “WordPress is a host website for bloggers.” was the reply.

Poor Vladmir was swimming in an ocean of confusion.  He had never heard of WordPress before and he barely knew what blogging was. “You look confused my friend.  Wordpress hosts writers and would-be writers who write blogs.  A blog is very much like a journal of thoughts, comments and stuff like that.  Wordpress holds weekly challenge to get bloggers to be creative.  They need a photo of you and your family to use as this week’s motivation for writing.” The leader seemed less hostile.  “So why did you barge in here with guns drawn if that’s all you wanted?”  “We are the secret police, it’s the way we work.  Sorry about that blow to your head.  My guy there is a bit of a loose cannon.  Now let’s get this thing started.”

Vladmir was taken outside and posed for shot after shot.  He kept having to do retakes as he was told his expression was too glum. It was hard to get the sour look off his face.  He was unimpressed.   Alexander and Alyssa were biting their lips, trying to stop themselves from crying.  Alexander wanted to prove to daddy that he was a big boy.

As Vladmir posed for what would turn out to be the final shot and the one that would be used as the WordPress photo, his Freshly Pressed pants were now a bit creased from his being on the floor, he thought, “I hate you! You WordPress Bloggers! You can press this!  You want a challenge? I will give you a challenge.  Try leaving me and my family alone!”

After the reluctant but successful photo session, the Klichkos were allowed back into the house.  Vladmir did not feel very much like church anymore and the kids were no different. “Daddy, can we go upstairs and watch TV?”  Asked Alexander.  Vladmir was glad for the alone time to gather himself.  “Yes, go ahead.” He replied.  When they were gone and he was left by himself, he went over to the old relic of a computer he had in his study.  He opened up a browser and in the search box, he typed, ‘WordPress’.

That was my hurriedly written entry for the Weekly Writing Challenge.  I wrote it at work and had to rush it a bit.

Related:

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2012/11/05/weekly-writing-challenge-a-picture-is-worth-1000-words/

Unscrambling the US elections

Flag of the United States of America

Flag of the United States of America (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Finally! The race for the job as top dog of the United States of America is finally over.  You can all vacate the premises please.  Nothing to see here.  Everything is just as it was a day ago.  Except that I, as an ignoramus when it comes to politics, am overwhelmed with questions about the electoral process.

 

First, why are retirees even allowed to run for the most stressful job in the world?  Year after year, I see men in their late sixties trying to be president. It’s not exactly a Walmart Greeter.  In 2008, the race pitted a 47-year-old Obama against a 70-something year old McCain  To me, that’s outrageous.  (I wonder if he even stayed up to watch the results). It would have been disgraceful if the old guy had beaten the young man.  Hare and tortoise proportion.

 

Enough on the age issue.  I also don’t get the confusing process of electing a President to office.  I was of the opinion that voters go out, place their votes, votes get counted and the majority wins.  What the heck are electoral votes? College votes? (Or is it electoral college?) Popular Votes? etc. etc.?  Can someone explain to me how I could win the majority of the votes but lose the election based on the senate or the popular or the college or the whatever votes?  Should I ask Al Gore?   Do you think he would know? Call me dumb, I don’t care.  I have been called worst. Ok, not really.  I have been called smart before though.  There was this one time when…oh nevermind. Got distracted a bit there.

 

Let’s end this on a good note. Congrats to Obama for getting another kick at the can.  Another go at it.  Another term in office.  (Is it called The Black House now? Or would that be politically incorrect?)  What I don’t get is the frenzy and the tizzy that everyone is in this morning.  Yes, Obama won but in my opinion, it would not have been any different if the other guy had won instead.  We would have barely noticed.  Maybe that’s why I don’t do politics. I can’t tell the difference between a Republican and a Democrat.  I can differentiate between a surplus and a deficit though.

 

I read somewhere that the breakdown was basically the blacks and Hispanics supported the black guy and the older white guys voted for a white president.  That’s right folks.  That’s exactly how you do it, pick your president based on your color preference.  Hate to rain on your parade here but remember, GWB (That’s not short for Grumpy White Bitch) was also re-elected to a second term…just saying.

 

Gotta run, talk later.  Go Obama!!!

 

Brazilian woman auctions off virginity to Japanese cherry picker

Slave Auction painting

Virgin Auction

Can I get 780,000? Did I hear 780,000? 780! 780! Yes! 780 going once…780 going twice! Sold to the old pervert in the back for 780,000!  Congrats sir! Go easy on her, it’s her first time.

I was just imagining what it must have sounded like at the auction where a 20-year-old Brazilian lass, Catarina, auctioned off her virginity.  She also said that 90 percent of the money made would be donated to charity. The lucky fella was, yes, a Japanese man by the name of Natsu.  Japanese eh? hmmm…

Natsu, I am thinking, is planning to take Catarina to get a Brazilian wax as the first order of the day.  I would just for fun, then he’s going to take her to the Cuddle Cafe. See my blog here.  I figure she might look good in a Sailor Moon costume but seeing that she claims to be a phys ed student, maybe wearing her school uniform might be a good choice too.

For those of you who are thinking this might be a good idea to make some quick cash, you could go to the website Virgins Wanted to submit some sexy pics of yourself.  If you are the shy type and need a little ego boosting first, send the pics to me and I, meaning my wife and I, will go over them and tell you how much you are worth on the meat market. Sounds good? Then what are you waiting for? Going once…