Cruising With Mac, My BFF

Yesterday, my buddy Mac and I went for a cruise.  Well it was actually supposed to be a doctor’s appointment for the big guy but none of the clinics we went to were taking walk-ins.  So it turned into cruise around the town.

Now Mac and I go way back.  Come to think of it, we don’t really.  Maybe just a few years.  But he knows so much about me, more than two years worth.  I use him as my confidante, go-to guy and my consultant.  He’s like my doctor, my interpreter, my teacher and my best friend all rolled into one.  I spent a lot of time hanging with him.  I have to admit that sometimes my wife has questioned our relationship and suggested that we spend less time together.  You can imagine that she did not take too kindly to him moving in with us.  Yes, you heard me, he’s living with us. And no, I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right? Right?

Sometimes late at night when I can’t fall asleep, I would go hang with Mac.  Even if he was asleep he never complains about me walking in his room and waking him up.  He is usually the first to read my blogs too.  Sometimes mac and I would live on the wild side for a bit and check out hot chicks together.  Maybe my wife does have a genuine concern…

It was fun just hanging with the big fella yesterday.  He insisted on not buckling up and I didn’t force him.   Mac has a young son who is just like him.  As they say, the apple sure doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Mac lounging in his seat like a boss.

Mac lounging in his seat like a boss.

When we got home, I accompanied my buddy to his room as soon as he was settled in, he was as good as gold! No need for doctor!  Good ole Mac!

Things to do at red lights and train crossings

th (2)People are always complaining about traffic lights.  Red lights and trains, they are just too long, they are annoying, they cause stress…  I live in a city that has trains crisscrossing across the streets and highways and traffic lights thrown in apparently at random.  Maybe there was a sale on traffic lights but it sure makes for a stressful commute at times.  Because of this, I had to come up with ways to de-stress and make use of these waiting times.

One of the things I do is I text.  Yep, I text.  Not texting and driving! Stopping and texting is ok.  I read and reply to texts while waiting for a train to go by.  Before I know it, it’s gone!  Right in the middle of composing a message too!  Then I end up being forced to text while driving.  Just kidding!  Don’t hate. If you don’t have friends, you can use your smartphone to just browse the internet.  Nothing makes time go by like surfing.  Make sure to keep an eye on the train or you will get honked at.

Reading a book or magazine is good too. So keep some reading material in the car for these moments.  Nothing to deep, just light stuff. Playboys and Hustlers are not recommended as they could lead to unwanted behavior. I don’t have time to read as I am usually on my phone surfing or sending texts.

How about grabbing a shut-eye?  If you are a power napper like I am, you could sneak in a quick nap while waiting for that long freight train to go by.  I won’t recommend it at a red light.

These methods have been tested and tried by me.  They work so well that at times, I am wishing that the train would keep on rolling.  Take your time mr. train, take your time…

Undesired and Uncontrollable Orgasms

The topic of this blog could make you go, “What? There’s no such thing.  Orgasms are always desired.  Maybe uncontrollable but who’s complaining”.  Well the women who suffer from the rare disease, PGAD, which means Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder are complaining.

When I first read this I thought it was a joke.  I am sorry because from reading about it, it’s definitely not a laughing matter.  It might appeal to the voyeur in you but to those suffering from PGAD, there’s nothing sexy about it.

Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder or PGAD, is an ailment that affects women. They suffer spontaneous, persistent and uncontrollable genital arousal with or without orgasm.  Failure to relieve the symptoms usually results in spontaneous orgasms, so it is not uncommon for a woman to engage in frequent masturbations.  These can occur in buses, hair salon, while shopping, work, etc. so imagine that for a while.  It is of course painful and in many cases, sufferers end up forgoing sexual relationships.  This affect the ability to carry on a loving relationship.

I first came across this story about a week or so ago when I read about a woman who committed suicide after a prolong fight with PGAD.  Read her story here.  There are many more like her and their stories are no less sobering.

Who would have thought that a story about women having orgasms and having a vibrator for a bff could be so grim?

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I wish I loved Valentine’s day

TodayIFoundOut_AntiValentinesDay1I am self-confessed anti-Valentine.  Don’t accuse me of being unromantic or a Scrooge as I’m neither of those.  I can buy roses and chocolates with the best of them and I can wine and dine my woman like no other.  I don’t believe that I should be letting someone dictate what day I should be doing those things.  I am the one in love, I should know when to show love and appreciation to my better half.

Valentine’s day to me is what I call a make-up day.  It’s a day where dead beat spouses, men in most cases, get to pretend they are the best spouses ever and trick their other halves into believing it.  Chocolate and jewelry make everything better.  Or seems better.  Or better to swallow.

Seriously though, I have tried my best to buy into this commercial holiday.  I try ignoring the reason behind the day. (Sales of course!)  I chalked it up to my being a conspiracy theorist.  I tried but can’t get over the hump.  I still don’t buy in.  My wife has tried to get me to subscribe also.  She does all the little things that make Valentine’s day special for loved ones and I appreciate them very much. It would have meant even more to me was it done spontaneously, like on an ordinary day.

Whenever I do or attempt to do something sweet for Valentine, I feel like a fraud.  It somehow feels fake.  It’s like saying, I am doing this because it’s Valentine’s and I’m supposed to do it. I love spontaneous but there’s none in that, is there?

Before I say too much and piss off you folks who live and die for Cupid’s day, I will take my leave.  Have a happy Valentine’s day from me, with love!

I promise, I won’t say Bah! Humbug! to Valentine’s and for my wife’s sake, I sincerely do wish that I can find a little love in my heart for this day.

Heart Attack Claims Another Heart Attack Grill Diner

th (1)You just don’t make this shit up.  Even if sometimes, especially in times like this, I wished I did.  The world is filled with stupid people who do stupid things and because of this, we have dumb stuff that sounds made up but are true.

Ever heard of the Heart Attack Grill Restaurant? It’s a Las Vegas restaurant that prides itself on its gigantic burgers.  “Founded in 2005, the unapologetically unhealthy restaurant employs waitresses dressed as nurses and serves butterfat milkshakes, “flatliner” fries and 9,982-calorie “quadruple bypass burgers.” (Patrons who are able to finish them are escorted to their cars in wheelchairs.) Customers who weigh over 350 pounds eat free.  Since opening in Las Vegas in October 2011, there have been various reports of customers having medical emergencies while dining at the grill.”

You gotta love the way they are described as ‘unapologetically unhealthy restaurant’.  We do not apologize for your demise.  Eat at your own risk.

Unfortunately, diners are finding out exactly what’s in a name.  Lots.  The restaurant has been blamed, rightfully or unrightfully so, for the demise of two of its patrons within a two-year span.  No numbers are available on those that sought medical help after their dining experience.

“He lived a very full life,” Jon Basso, owner of the Heart Attack Grill, told the newspaper. “He will be missed.”  I told you you couldn’t make this shit up.  The owner actually made a punny funny!

Maybe he should have ‘bypassed’ the fries…

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Grammy Backlash

thDid you happen to catch the Grammy awards last night?  I did.  It wasn’t a blast or anything special but it also wasn’t a total waste of my time either.  I noticed that the stars took their memo seriously and did not show the underside of their breasts or buttocks.  Jlo flashed some sexy legs, Katy Perry I am sure was smuggling mini soccer balls disguised as breasts and Kelly Rowland of Destiny Child’s fame wore a teasing dress that revealed much but revealed little.  Is that the underside of a boob? No. Yes. No.  Oh heck, who cares? She looked hot, at least in my opinion. But other than those, the usual suspects like Rihanna et al, were modestly dressed.  What’s this world coming to?  See some great pics here.  (No seriously, check it out).

Hmm…Good old Prince showed up, looking very much like…Prince?  Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, my favorite country couple, were there looking very much in love.  I didn’t notice as I wasn’t wearing my tv glasses but I read online that she had braces on. ‘Faith Hill Rocks Braces!’.  Screamed the headlines.  Seriously folks, I don’t care who you are, no one rocks braces.  You either look geeky or you look not bad but rocking them? No. That’s how weird and wacky fashion trends are started.  Rocked braces…gimme a break.  If she went naked would she have ‘rocked the naked look’?  Ok, bad example but you get the point, right?

I heard that Carrie Underwood wore a $31 million necklace.  Too bad I couldn’t tell.  Could you?  It looked like a regular necklace to me.  Wait a minute, I didn’t even notice that she was wearing a necklace.

The performances were not too bad.  Did you happen to catch Carrie Underwood’s jumbotron dress? Kinda neat, kinda cheesy.  Most of the acts were, as they say on American Idol, safe.  Nothing special.  I was excited to hear that there was going to be a Bob Marley tribute song but was put off and disappointed by what I got.  I guess as a big fan of reggae music, I had my expectations set too high.  It’s not like they were going to drop some serious hardcore Bob…

I saw in the news that Taylor Swift may have taken a shot at her ex, Harry Styles, in her opening song, Here.  What else is new with this chick? Her schtick is getting old fast.  So much talent wasted on drama songs.  Come on Taylor, this ain’t high school.  Welcome to the real world of hump and dump.

Oh before I go, I should mention something about the actual award recipients shouldn’t I?  After all that’s what it’s all about.  Once again, I had to keep checking google to see who some of the nominees and winners were.  How could they win when nobody knows who they are? Maybe I need to watch more MTV.  

And what the heck was Adele wearing?  If my granny old couch grew pale legs and showed up at the awards, that’s what it would look like.  Beautiful voice, beautiful gal, gawd awful dress.

You just want to sit on her, don't you?

You just want to sit on her, don’t you?

Monday Musing: The Work Week

th3Are you starting a new office job or new at your current one?  Well there are some things you must know that your co-workers would not tell you.  They never told me and I had to figure it out all my own.  The thing is, your co-workers like slacking off but they hate to see others slacking off. So without further ado, I am going to explain to you newbies what a typical office work week is all about so you can plan your work accordingly and be better at time management. Read and learn.

Monday – No one, not even the boss, expects much out of you.  It’s Monday, you are supposed to be tired or even hungover.  Take it slow.  There’s always Tuesday. Your excuse for screwing something up, “It’s Monday, what do you expect?”  So mope around the office and let everyone know it’s Monday and how much you hate it, or just hang out at the water cooler like everyone else.

Tuesday – Tuesday is the day when you are expected to do some work.  The hangover excuse won’t cut it so don’t even try that.  It could very well be your most productive work day of the week. Grin and bear it.

Wednesday – Better known as Hump Day.  This sounds like a holiday, doesn’t it?  If it has a name, it’s a holiday.  Sort of.  So who ever feels like working on a holiday?  Everyone tells everyone, “Happy Hump day!  Do you know it’s hump day today?”  It’s all downhill from Wednesday.


Thursday – Aha! Friday eve.  “Tomorrow is finally Friday.”  You will hear that a lot.  Thursday is your second most productive day.  You try to finish as much as possible in anticipation for Friday and the weekend.  Plus, you need to catch up on stuff you didn’t get done on the holiday  humpday.

Friday – Need I say anything?  In the summer with a perfect weather outside, your employers might as well shut the place down as nothing is getting done today.  The water cooler gets a workout and the talk is about who has what plans for the weekend.  If you weren’t from earth, you would think it was the first weekend us earthlings are experiencing.”Yay! It’s Friday!  TGIF!” It doesn’t matter that you were a lazy ass for most of the week.  Friday is your day to brag how hard a week it was.  Because the bosses are all out golfing, you think it’s great reason to take off early too. It is.  Whatever is on your desk can wait until Monday.  Happy Friday!



Disclaimer:  The writer holds no responsibility for any disciplinary actions that may occur due to your compliance to the above.

Friday Folly – Illegal Aliens

Illegal Aliens (film)

Illegal Aliens (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Pardon me if I get this wrong, it’s not the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last.  As I’m not the smartest tool in the shed, I think I am kind of lost when it comes to the issue of illegal aliens in the USA.  I read somewhere in the news that they were granting some sort of amnesty to illegal aliens and I thought, ‘There are aliens in the US?  And what makes some legal and some illegal?”  Illegal aliens…sounds oxymoronic to me.

I am thinking of the movie Men In Black here.  I imagine aliens just blending in happily with us humans. Scary thought.  I think all aliens should be illegal and we should not be granting them any type of amnesty.  Send them packing in their homemade UFO’s or whatever they rode in on.

Now that I think of it, I don’t doubt that there are indeed aliens among us. It just makes sense.  I bet I could pinpoint a few disguised as humans.  A co-worker, a neighbor  even a family member.  I have always had my doubts on whether some of these people were humans or not.  My boss who has no clue what I do even though I work my ass off for him, he’s definitely an alien.  How about my parasitic sister and her husband who live in mom’s basement, no jobs and paying no rent.  Yep, aliens for sure.  Even a couple of my exes I am sure were aliens.  These aliens are good!

Now I feel better knowing that the reason for some of the actions of the people I know is because they aren’t like you and me.  They are aliens.  Now are they legal or illegal?  That I don’t know.

Be careful driving, there are a lot of them sharing the road with you.

CBS Says No To Crack At Grammys

42nd Annual Grammy Awards - Pressroom

If you were planning on watching the Grammy awards to catch a glimpse of some skins, you know a nipple slip here, a butt cheek there or if you are lucky, a pale crack, think again.   CBS has issued an advisory to stars to keep their privates private.  The email read:

CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic.

Now how are these perpetually half naked bimbos stars going to deal with this setback?  Well expect more ‘wardrobe malfunctions’ and ‘accidental’ nipple slips.  Maybe Rihanna, while bending to pick up something, maybe the award, will rip her dress or something.   Who knows, maybe someone would show up wearing the intimacy 2.0.  We’ll see…or we won’t

In the meantime, don’t plan on going ga ga over Ga Ga’s ta tas.

Designer Designs Dress That Turns Transparent When Wearer Is Sexually Aroused

r-TRANSPARENT-DRESS-large570I am not joking.  I just read this.  I know I shouldn’t believe everything that I read but it is legit.  A designer has actually come up with a dress that gets transparent when the person wearing it gets sexually aroused.  It is called ‘Intimacy 2.0’ and it just punted that new Facebook app, Bang With Friends, right out of the park.  This is the next big thing!

I admit that being a man, my first, ok my second thought was, ‘Are they designing pants like that for me?’  I then got carried away with mental scenarios.

I am in class and suddenly noticed that hot chick next to me is slowly losing her clothing.  It is disappearing!  The thought that she’s having sexual thoughts makes my intimacy 2.0 pants start disappearing also.  Right there in class! Oh no! Oh yes!

Me:  (to hot chick)  See what you did?

Hot Chick:  What did I do?

Me:  Well you got horny and made me horny thinking of you being horny and now we are both sitting here with our junk exposed.  Thanks a lot!

Hot Chick:  That’s not my fault.  I didn’t tell you to get horny.

Me: Duh…I’m a man. Of course I would react to your reaction

Hot chick: Sorry, I was just thinking of Mr. Grey

Me:  Oh by the way, can I at least add you on Facebook to my filf list?

Hot Chick:  What’s that?

Me:  Never Mind.

I know, I am such a dreamer…always getting carried away with my overactive imagination.  But just think though, if this design ever take off, (pardon the pun), every party could be an orgy, every beach a nude beach.  Even the churches won’t be sacred. (Another pun). Your girlfriend would make you wear an intimacy 2.0 pants around her girlfriends to see if you have the hots for any of them.  “Aha! I saw that! You want to bang my friend Alice, don’t you?  I can see your pee pee, you horn dog!”

Man, wouldn’t it be an ego boost to walk past a group of women and see their clothes react?  You want a piece of this, don’t ya?  Well don’t just stand there, come and get it!  Not so fast Mary.

I have never bought into the myth that what women wear makes them deserving of being raped and I still don’t but I do think that any woman wearing an intimacy 2.0 is asking for trouble.  Unless of course they wear it in the privacy, comfort and safe confines of my house.