I am so excited right now that I could hardly contain myself. I just received the following email:
Re: Dear Beloved in Christ,I am Mrs.Mary Parker an aging widow suffering from long time illness. I have some funds I inherited from my late husband, the sum of 7.5 Million Pounds and I needed a very honest and God fearing Christian that will use the fund for God’s work, I found your email address from the internet and decided to contact you. Please if you would be able to use the funds for the Lord’s work, kindly reply me at email@example.com Yours in the Lord. Mrs.Mary Parker.
I had to reply right away in case she changed her mind. Here is a copy of my response to this kind woman. (Is this what a philanthropist is?)
Dear Mrs. Parker, or can I call you Mary? As a hard-working man with a…
English: An anxious person (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
So in the last few days, I was/am going through some anxiety issues. Most likely from my ever-increasing workload at work. And no, not the ‘old lady’ I blogged about. I am learning to cope with her and NO! no more dreams either. You don’t know what I’m talking about? Read about the old lady here.
Anyways, I have always had the impression that I have a very strong mind and can close off any negative or harmful thoughts just like that. Bam! Door closed. So when I felt my first anxiety attack coming on, I sought to remedy the situation by thinking happy thoughts. Plus, I had just read a blog that suggested the very same thing. It was a sure-cure. To overcome stress and anxiety, think happy thoughts. So I did. Or I tried to.
My kids are my happy trigger so quite naturally I immediately decided to use them as my therapy. The thoughts that came to my head were not of the happy variety. I thought of the screams and the fights and the stubbornness and the cries and the whines and the…you get the picture. Five minutes later, I was stressed out even more and had a headache.
Hmm…well the wife is my joy so why not try her? So I did. Did you do the dishes? Was the first thought that came to my head. Did you bathe the kids? Clean the house? Wash the car? Take a shower? Change the light bulbs?...I shut her off too before more damage could be done. Wow! This is harder than I thought. Not to mention stressful.
Last ditch effort. I figured I’d think of those great memories of my youth. Aha! That should work. Well it should but it didn’t. I thought of the times we couldn’t afford to eat and I had to go hungry. Wearing pants with holes. Touching my female friends inappropriately. (Omit). Touching my male friends inappropriately. (Omit that one too). I remembered a lot of stuff that should have stayed forgotten. In the end, no success.
Back to square one. So after futile efforts trying to conjure up some happy thoughts, I admitted defeat and realized that somehow, my well of happy thoughts had dried up.
This morning, I read one of the most interesting blogs I have read in a while. It was from my new-best-blogger-friend Katie from sassandbalderdash.com. (Keep this between us as she doesn’t know this yet). Her post was about accidental catching a glimpse of another female’s posterior while in her gym’s locker room. It was aptly called Accidental Ass Gazing.
From the topic and after the first paragraph, I was fully expecting to read about Katie’s eyes accidentally finding rest on a man’s behind. I was pleasantly surprised and happy that it wasn’t. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…but I wasn’t in the mood.
I am a self-confessed ass-man. I love butts. Female butts. I worship butts. I love them so much that I would gladly point out a guy with a great butt to my wife and she would do the same. If my wife were to catch a glimpse of a perfectly shaped posterior, she would come home with, “I saw the best ass at the gym today. You would have loved it.” And she would be right. I would have loved it indeed. It has nothing to do with sex although it does help something to do with sex. I like nice butts and I cannot lie.
Anyways, Accidental Ass Gazing was so well written with vivid descriptions of a perfect ass, girl slowly stripping…that I felt a stirring in my loins. Sorry Katie, it’s not you. I just wanted to pee, that’s all. Unlike some of the other guys who commented and told Katie that it sounded like it could very well have been the intro to a lesbian porn. I didn’t think so at all. Other than the stirring, I didn’t for one second harbor any sexual thoughts. Seriously! Even when she wrote, “So I stripped to my tank top, and then I started to unbutton my pants…” I hardly reacted. Hardly. My pulse didn’t quicken in eager anticipation and my breathing remained even. I even read it a few times over to make sure. Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Cold as a dead herring.
Katie seemed a bit rebuffed by the insinuations that her innocent gym blog was soft pornish in nature. She said it was an insult as she could done a better job if she had intended it to be. Still waiting Katie…how about ’50 shades of something’?
Guess what I am talking about from the topic of my post. Come on, give it a shot. Hmm…so you DO have a dirty mind like yours truly. I see. Well you were wrong. I was talking about yachts. Just plain old boring yachts. Apparently Elin Nordegren’s boyfriend has a yacht that is bigger than her ex-husband, Mr. Woods’. How belittling. Good thing his game is starting to come around.
I called up the Tiger himself to relay this bit of exciting and world-changing news to him. His reaction was priceless. “How the hell does she know this? Is that b@@ch sleeping with him? In my bed? Well I meant my old bed… There’s no way in hell his thing could be bigger! He’s white for goodness sake! I am a brother, we are known for…” And that’s when I interrupted his rant. “Hey buddy, we are talking about yachts here. I see you have a dirty mind like some of my readers. Focus bro, focus.”
Being a stubborn Tiger, he was still determined to get the last word in. “This Kevin Cline might have a bigger yacht but ask Elin who has the bigger iron. Hell, you can ask Lindsey too, she loves my wood iron.” I let him know it was Chris, not Kevin and politely ended the conversation.
And if you don’t believe me, you can read it all for yourself, right here.
Wrap Pant for yoga (Photo credit: lululemon athletica)
Apparently Lululemon does not agree with my above sentiments, judging from their reaction when it was found that the sheer material used to make the popular yoga pants, made them see-through. And who wants to be seen through? Anyways, Lululemon promptly pulled the pants down off the shelves. What about company transparency? They apparently had a similar issue with their swimsuits last year. I never noticed…
Like I said in a previous post, here, there’s nothing more flattering on a woman than a pair of yoga pants. To me, the greatest invention by far. Coincidentally, this couldn’t come at a better time as I was thinking lately that it’s time I step up and do my part in protecting our environment. I cannot allow these pants to go to a landfill as God only knows what secret ingredient Lululemon adds to them to make them so addictive. And seriously, do you want whatever that is to leak into our air? I didn’t think so. So what I am going to do is collect them all in the name of charity. What charity? Who cares? Just in the name of charity. Anyways, can you just read the darn blog and stop interrupting? I am going to take the pants and give them as gifts to my female friends. Just the ones I like. And don’t worry wifey, you’ll get a pair too. How do you like me now?
I am not sure if Big Butt Betty should get a pair…
And in other unrelated news, statistics have shown a sharp increase in male memberships are yoga classes in the last few months.
Believe it or not I have the ability to write self-help blogs. Yep, I seriously do. I don’t always write about sex and funny stuff. Take this blog for instance. I am about to write a tip on how to get a good blog out there. This one is good for the new bloggers especially.
Now, one common mistake bloggers, especially new bloggers, make is over thinking their content. Is it too long? Not enough or too much detail? More time is spent thinking about than actually writing it.
Well hear this, follow your mind when it comes to blogging. Unless you are getting paid to blog, don’t let it stress you out. Just get it all out and make sure it makes sense and you should be ok. I
I used to be like that for a long time. I draft a blog and think, “Is this good enough to get readers’ attention?” Then you know what I realised? I realised that the blogs I wrote without thinking too much about, were the ones that actually garnered the most likes. I would look in disbelief as the blog I thought would be my most popular blog, barely get noticed.
There! My tip for the day. Just let it out and don’t over thunk it. You will be fine, trust me. I am.
Last week I was stressed out at work. Too much on my plate, too little training and too many expectations. I was at my breaking point. Ready to hurl something. Then I decided to write my boss a blog.
Ok, it wasn’t exactly a blog. I wrote him an email letting him know exactly how I was feeling. I was not rude or anything. He understood, or at least he made a good game of pretending to understand how I felt and even scheduled a sit-down with me. It never happened because he was too busy but you know what? The next day I felt much better! No stress. Why?
Well the fact that my boss did not think it was an emergency that I was losing my state of sanity made me put things in perspective. If it wasn’t important to him that I did my work with 100% efficiency, why should it be to me? Well except that I hold myself to a higher standard than most…So I calmed down and man, do I ever feel good! I go to work and I do what I can and save the rest for the next day. I don’t worry about the stuff that’s not completed. My boss doesn’t. Well unless he gets crap from his boss then the shit rolls downhill and then the emergency switch gets hit.
So if you are feeling like there’s too much on your plate and you are close to snapping, don’t. Sit down and write your boss a blog.