Sounds like my experience..

Musings Of A Daddy

I am so excited right now that I could hardly contain myself.  I just received the following email:

Re: Dear Beloved in Christ,I am Mrs.Mary Parker an aging widow suffering from long time illness. I have some funds I inherited from my late husband, the sum of 7.5 Million Pounds and I needed a very honest and God fearing Christian that will use the fund for God’s work, I found your email address from the internet and decided to contact you. Please if you would be able to use the funds for the Lord’s work, kindly reply me at mrs.mary.parker03@msn.com Yours in the Lord. Mrs.Mary Parker.

I had to reply right away in case she changed her mind.  Here is a copy of my response to this kind woman.  (Is this what a philanthropist is?)

Dear Mrs. Parker, or can I call you Mary? As a hard-working man with a…

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Thinking Happy Thoughts. :)

English: An anxious person

English: An anxious person (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So in the last few days,  I was/am going through some anxiety issues. Most likely from my ever-increasing workload at work.  And no, not the ‘old lady’ I blogged about.  I am learning to cope with her and NO! no more dreams either.  You don’t know what I’m talking about? Read about the old lady here.

Anyways, I have always had the impression that I have a very strong mind and can close off any negative or harmful thoughts just like that. Bam! Door closed.  So when I felt my first anxiety attack coming on, I sought to remedy the situation by thinking happy thoughts.  Plus, I had just read a blog that suggested the very same thing.  It was a sure-cure.  To overcome stress and anxiety, think happy thoughts. So I did. Or I tried to.

My kids are my happy trigger so quite naturally I immediately decided to use them as my therapy.  The thoughts that came to my head were not of the happy variety. I thought of the screams and the fights and the stubbornness and the cries and the whines and the…you get the picture.  Five minutes later, I was stressed out even more and had a headache.

Hmm…well the wife is my joy so why not try her? So I did.  Did you do the dishes? Was the first thought that came to my head.  Did you bathe the kids? Clean the house? Wash the car? Take a shower? Change the light bulbs?...I shut her off too before more damage could be done.  Wow! This is harder than I thought. Not to mention stressful.

Last ditch effort.  I figured I’d think of those great memories of my youth.  Aha! That should work.  Well it should but it didn’t.  I thought of the times we couldn’t afford to eat and I had to go hungry. Wearing pants with holes.  Touching my female friends inappropriately.  (Omit).  Touching my male friends inappropriately. (Omit that one too). I remembered a lot of stuff that should have stayed forgotten.  In the end, no success.

Back to square one.  So after futile efforts trying to conjure up some happy thoughts, I admitted defeat and realized that somehow, my well of happy thoughts had dried up.

😦

Accidental Porn

Deutsch: High-Key-Aktfoto

Deutsch: High-Key-Aktfoto (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This morning, I read one of the most interesting blogs I have read in a while.  It was from my new-best-blogger-friend Katie from sassandbalderdash.com.  (Keep this between us as she doesn’t know this yet).  Her post was about accidental catching a glimpse of another female’s posterior while in her gym’s locker room.  It was aptly called Accidental Ass Gazing.

From the topic and after the first paragraph, I was fully expecting to read about Katie’s eyes accidentally finding rest on a man’s behind.  I was pleasantly surprised and happy that it wasn’t.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that…but I wasn’t in the mood.

I am a self-confessed ass-man.  I love butts.  Female butts.  I worship butts.  I love them so much that I would gladly point out a guy with a great butt to my wife and she would do the same.  If my wife were to catch a glimpse of a perfectly shaped posterior, she would come home with, “I saw the best ass at the gym today.  You would have loved it.” And she would be right.  I would have loved it indeed.  It has nothing to do with sex although it does help something to do with sex.  I like nice butts and I cannot lie.

Anyways, Accidental Ass Gazing was so well written with vivid descriptions of a perfect ass, girl slowly stripping…that I felt a stirring in my loins.  Sorry Katie, it’s not you.  I just wanted to pee, that’s all. Unlike some of the other guys who commented and told Katie that it sounded like it could very well have been the intro to a lesbian porn.  I didn’t think so at all.  Other than the stirring, I didn’t for one second harbor any sexual thoughts. Seriously!  Even when she wrote, “So I stripped to my tank top, and then I started to unbutton my pants…” I hardly reacted.  Hardly. My pulse didn’t quicken in eager anticipation and my breathing remained even.  I even read it a few times over to make sure.  Nope.   Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Cold as a dead herring.

Katie seemed a bit rebuffed by the insinuations that her innocent gym blog was soft pornish in nature.  She said it was an insult as she could done a better job if she had intended it to be.  Still waiting Katie…how about ’50 shades of something’? 

Friday Folly: Tiger Woods Has A Smaller One Than His Ex-Wife’s New Boyfriend.

Guess what I am talking about from the topic of my post.  Come on, give it a shot.  Hmm…so you DO have a dirty mind like yours truly.  I see.  Well you were wrong.  I was talking about yachts.  Just plain old boring yachts.  Apparently Elin Nordegren’s boyfriend has a yacht that is bigger than her ex-husband, Mr. Woods’.  How belittling.  Good thing his game is starting to come around.

I called up the Tiger himself to relay this bit of exciting and world-changing news to him.  His reaction was priceless.  “How the hell does she know this?  Is that b@@ch sleeping with him? In my bed?  Well I meant my old bed…  There’s no way in hell his thing could be bigger!  He’s white for goodness sake!  I am a brother, we are known for…”  And that’s when I interrupted his rant.  “Hey buddy, we are talking about yachts here.  I see you have a dirty mind like some of my readers.  Focus bro, focus.”

Being a stubborn Tiger, he was still determined to get the last word in.  “This Kevin Cline might have a bigger yacht but ask Elin who has the bigger iron.  Hell, you can ask Lindsey too, she loves my wood iron.”  I let him know it was Chris, not Kevin and politely ended the conversation.

And if you don’t believe me, you can read it all for yourself, right here.

What’s better than yoga pants? See-through yoga pants of course.

Wrap Pant for yoga

Wrap Pant for yoga (Photo credit: lululemon athletica)

Apparently Lululemon does not agree with my above sentiments, judging from their reaction when it was found that the sheer material used to make the popular yoga pants, made them see-through.  And who wants to be seen through?  Anyways, Lululemon promptly pulled the pants down off the shelves.  What about company transparency? They apparently had a similar issue with their swimsuits last year.  I never noticed…

Like I said in a previous post, here, there’s nothing more flattering on a woman than a pair of yoga pants.  To me, the greatest invention by far.  Coincidentally, this couldn’t come at a better time as I was thinking lately that it’s time I step up and do my part in protecting our environment.  I cannot allow these pants to go to a landfill as God only knows what secret ingredient Lululemon adds to them to make them so addictive.  And seriously, do you want whatever that is to leak into our air? I didn’t think so.  So what I am going to do is collect them all in the name of charity.  What charity?  Who cares?  Just in the name of charity.  Anyways, can you just read the darn blog and stop interrupting?  I am going to take the pants and give them as gifts to my female friends.  Just the ones I like.  And don’t worry wifey, you’ll get a pair too.  How do you like me now?

I am not sure if Big Butt Betty should get a pair…

And in other unrelated news, statistics have shown a sharp increase in male memberships are yoga classes in the last few months.

Hey! Who are you calling a pig?!

 

Those black yoga pants!

Blog Tip: Don’t Over Thunk It

Believe it or not I have the ability to write self-help blogs.  Yep, I seriously do.  I don’t always write about sex and funny stuff.  Take this blog for instance.  I am about to write a tip on how to get a good blog out there.  This one is good for the new bloggers especially.

Now, one common mistake bloggers, especially new bloggers, make is over thinking their content.  Is it too long? Not enough or too much detail?  More time is spent thinking about than actually writing it.

Well hear this, follow your mind when it comes to blogging.  Unless you are getting paid to blog, don’t let it stress you out.  Just get it all out and make sure it makes sense and you should be ok.   I

I used to be like that for a long time.  I draft a blog and think, “Is this good enough to get readers’ attention?” Then you know what I realised?  I realised that the blogs I wrote without thinking too much about, were the ones that actually garnered the most likes.  I would look in disbelief as the blog I thought would be my most popular blog, barely get noticed.

There!  My tip for the day.  Just let it out and don’t over thunk it.  You will be fine, trust me.  I am.

Stressed at work? Write your boss a blog

Last week I was stressed out at work.  Too much on my plate, too little training and too many expectations.  I was at my breaking point. Ready to hurl something.  Then I decided to write my boss a blog.

Ok, it wasn’t exactly a blog. I wrote him an email letting him know exactly how I was feeling.  I was not rude or anything.  He understood, or at least he made a good game of pretending to understand how I felt and even scheduled a sit-down with me.  It never happened because he was too busy but you know what? The next day I felt much better! No stress.  Why?

Well the fact that my boss did not think it was an emergency that I was losing my state of sanity made me put things in perspective.  If it wasn’t important to him that I did my work with 100% efficiency, why should it be to me? Well except that I hold myself to a higher standard than most…So I calmed down and man, do I ever feel good! I go to work and I do what I can and save the rest for the next day.  I don’t worry about the stuff that’s not completed. My boss doesn’t.  Well unless he gets crap from his boss then the shit rolls downhill and then the emergency switch gets hit.

So if you are feeling like there’s too much on your plate and you are close to snapping, don’t.  Sit down and write your boss a blog.

Friday Folly: Don’t Patronize Me, Doc. And Get Your Hand Outta There!

thI was ready for him when he walked into the room.  “Hi, nice to see you.”  He says.  “I wish I could say the same but I’m not happy to see you.” Was my rehearsed response.  He laughed but I was serious.  If the doctor only knew what was going through my mind…

Seriously doc, I am here for you to  give me a cortisone shot in my shoulder with a big ass needle, should I be happy to see you?  No.  And you shouldn’t be either.  Come to think of it doc, I should never ever be happy to see you.  Ever!  You stick your hand up my butt while fondling my nuts for goodness sake! How disgustingly embarrassing and humiliating is that? Well unless you are into that sort of thing…Then you would be indeed happy to see me.  What? You said it’s not your hand?  Well pardon me for being a tight ass but it sure does feel like your hand.  And you never grab my scrotum while you are inside me?   Doc, please don’t say ‘inside me’.  That’s just wrong.  Makes me cringe.  And you are right, manipulating my balls while digitally testing my anus just seem a bit creepy and unmedicinal.

When you look or peer into my eyes with that gadgety thingy, does your face, especially your mouth, have to be that close to mine?  Seriously? It makes me rather uncomfortable.  What if our lips brushed?  Let me tell you, I would be traumatized for life.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Two men’s lips brushing, that is, not the peering into eyes.  

As you can tell, I am really not too fond of our meetings.  I actually come on my wife’s insistence.   Doc, why do you insist on talking to me while taking my blood pressure? You ask me questions while looking down my throat.  News flash!  I can’t answer you except to make alien-like sounds.  Why don’t you tell me about your family instead?  Actually don’t.  I am quite fine with the silence so don’t feel compelled to start a conversation. Let’s just get this over with as quickly and painless as we can. Dispense with the patronizing chatter. 

Oh, last time you groped my sack, you said you couldn’t feel my nuts and was worried.  Don’t be worried.  My nuts recoiled when you touch me down there.  I recoil too but you never notice. Just like how I clinch my butt cheeks when you try to invade it.  My balls  turtle on you doc!  They recoil somewhere up into my stomach in embarrassment and humiliation.

If the next time you stick your appendage in my exit, I go, “Oooh yeah! That feels good, doc.”  Would you still be happy to see me?

More Friday Follies:

Friday Folly:  World Naked Bike Ride 2013

Filling My Ass!

Oatmeal

Oatmeal (Photo credit: desegura89)

 

Oatmeal is great as a breakfast choice as it’s very filling and makes you not feel hungry for  the better part of the morning.  Yeah right! Filling my ass! (And you thought the topic meant something else. Boo!).

 

I have been on this ‘eat oatmeal porridge every morning’ kick for some time now.  There must be something wrong with me because the ‘filling’ part of it is missing.  Or maybe I need to add a few pieces of toasts, couple slices of bacon, because bacon goes great with everything, and maybe some sausages and an egg or two.  Then it would be filling for sure.  After my first bowl, I am usually still hungry and the ‘filling’ doesn’t kick it  until after the third bowl.  In the time it takes to make three bowls, I could have had a real man’s breakfast.

 

So claim debunked.  It’s a myth.  Oatmeal is not really filling, unless you are an ant.

 

 

Dreaming about the old lady

thI admit, I poked the sleeping bear.  I should have expected to pay the consequences of my actions.  But it’s how I am.  I like living on the edge. I like to stir the pot.  You know that.

Let me set this straight, when I say ‘the old lady’ I am not talking about my old lady. No, I am talking about this old lady co-worker.  Let’s say older lady or older woman for politically correct reasons.

The older woman, scratch that.  Older woman sounds too formal and takes the fun out of the blog.  So back to the ‘old lady’ we go.  So anyways, she’s a bit of a prude and always one-ups everyone in the office.  “Hey old lady, I cooked a wicked turkey last night!”  You would say to her.  Her response would be something like this,  “Oh yeah?  I cooked this one last week that tasted like heaven. I had it with this and that and more of this and some of that, blah blah blah.”  So you can see why and how she annoys her co-workers.  And don’t ever think of crying on her shoulders.  You’ll end up getting an earful of her woes instead.  Your feet hurt?  Hers hurt even more.  Headache? Nothing compared to the one she had last week.

So because it’s how I am.  I made myself the old lady’s knight in shining armor.  Yes, she also irritates the hell out of me but I still decided to take one for the team and be her office friend.  As I like to bug people and press their buttons, I decided to also make her my next victim.  Knowing that she’s prudish, I would bug her almost daily about having a tryst.  (No, you silly reader! I am married.  Of course I didn’t mean it!). “Let’s go out later just the two of us.” I would say to her.  Well one day it came back to bite me in the ass.  She didn’t call my bluff or raped me but I actually had a dream starring the old lady!  Yes! I know eh!  Don’t laugh, it’s not funny!  I dreamt I fooled around with the old lady!  I immediately decided no more bugging her.  At least not in that way.  So far, no more dreams.

Was it good? Don’t ask silly questions.  I plead the 5th.

Prude definition:  a person who is overly modest or proper in behavior, dress, or speech, esp. in a way that annoys others