I was ready for him when he walked into the room. “Hi, nice to see you.” He says. “I wish I could say the same but I’m not happy to see you.” Was my rehearsed response. He laughed but I was serious. If the doctor only knew what was going through my mind…
Seriously doc, I am here for you to give me a cortisone shot in my shoulder with a big ass needle, should I be happy to see you? No. And you shouldn’t be either. Come to think of it doc, I should never ever be happy to see you. Ever! You stick your hand up my butt while fondling my nuts for goodness sake! How disgustingly embarrassing and humiliating is that? Well unless you are into that sort of thing…Then you would be indeed happy to see me. What? You said it’s not your hand? Well pardon me for being a tight ass but it sure does feel like your hand. And you never grab my scrotum while you are inside me? Doc, please don’t say ‘inside me’. That’s just wrong. Makes me cringe. And you are right, manipulating my balls while digitally testing my anus just seem a bit creepy and unmedicinal.
When you look or peer into my eyes with that gadgety thingy, does your face, especially your mouth, have to be that close to mine? Seriously? It makes me rather uncomfortable. What if our lips brushed? Let me tell you, I would be traumatized for life. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Two men’s lips brushing, that is, not the peering into eyes.
As you can tell, I am really not too fond of our meetings. I actually come on my wife’s insistence. Doc, why do you insist on talking to me while taking my blood pressure? You ask me questions while looking down my throat. News flash! I can’t answer you except to make alien-like sounds. Why don’t you tell me about your family instead? Actually don’t. I am quite fine with the silence so don’t feel compelled to start a conversation. Let’s just get this over with as quickly and painless as we can. Dispense with the patronizing chatter.
Oh, last time you groped my sack, you said you couldn’t feel my nuts and was worried. Don’t be worried. My nuts recoiled when you touch me down there. I recoil too but you never notice. Just like how I clinch my butt cheeks when you try to invade it. My balls turtle on you doc! They recoil somewhere up into my stomach in embarrassment and humiliation.
If the next time you stick your appendage in my exit, I go, “Oooh yeah! That feels good, doc.” Would you still be happy to see me?
More Friday Follies: