Friday Folly: Don’t Patronize Me, Doc. And Get Your Hand Outta There!

thI was ready for him when he walked into the room.  “Hi, nice to see you.”  He says.  “I wish I could say the same but I’m not happy to see you.” Was my rehearsed response.  He laughed but I was serious.  If the doctor only knew what was going through my mind…

Seriously doc, I am here for you to  give me a cortisone shot in my shoulder with a big ass needle, should I be happy to see you?  No.  And you shouldn’t be either.  Come to think of it doc, I should never ever be happy to see you.  Ever!  You stick your hand up my butt while fondling my nuts for goodness sake! How disgustingly embarrassing and humiliating is that? Well unless you are into that sort of thing…Then you would be indeed happy to see me.  What? You said it’s not your hand?  Well pardon me for being a tight ass but it sure does feel like your hand.  And you never grab my scrotum while you are inside me?   Doc, please don’t say ‘inside me’.  That’s just wrong.  Makes me cringe.  And you are right, manipulating my balls while digitally testing my anus just seem a bit creepy and unmedicinal.

When you look or peer into my eyes with that gadgety thingy, does your face, especially your mouth, have to be that close to mine?  Seriously? It makes me rather uncomfortable.  What if our lips brushed?  Let me tell you, I would be traumatized for life.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Two men’s lips brushing, that is, not the peering into eyes.  

As you can tell, I am really not too fond of our meetings.  I actually come on my wife’s insistence.   Doc, why do you insist on talking to me while taking my blood pressure? You ask me questions while looking down my throat.  News flash!  I can’t answer you except to make alien-like sounds.  Why don’t you tell me about your family instead?  Actually don’t.  I am quite fine with the silence so don’t feel compelled to start a conversation. Let’s just get this over with as quickly and painless as we can. Dispense with the patronizing chatter. 

Oh, last time you groped my sack, you said you couldn’t feel my nuts and was worried.  Don’t be worried.  My nuts recoiled when you touch me down there.  I recoil too but you never notice. Just like how I clinch my butt cheeks when you try to invade it.  My balls  turtle on you doc!  They recoil somewhere up into my stomach in embarrassment and humiliation.

If the next time you stick your appendage in my exit, I go, “Oooh yeah! That feels good, doc.”  Would you still be happy to see me?

More Friday Follies:

Friday Folly:  World Naked Bike Ride 2013

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Filling My Ass!

Oatmeal

Oatmeal (Photo credit: desegura89)

 

Oatmeal is great as a breakfast choice as it’s very filling and makes you not feel hungry for  the better part of the morning.  Yeah right! Filling my ass! (And you thought the topic meant something else. Boo!).

 

I have been on this ‘eat oatmeal porridge every morning’ kick for some time now.  There must be something wrong with me because the ‘filling’ part of it is missing.  Or maybe I need to add a few pieces of toasts, couple slices of bacon, because bacon goes great with everything, and maybe some sausages and an egg or two.  Then it would be filling for sure.  After my first bowl, I am usually still hungry and the ‘filling’ doesn’t kick it  until after the third bowl.  In the time it takes to make three bowls, I could have had a real man’s breakfast.

 

So claim debunked.  It’s a myth.  Oatmeal is not really filling, unless you are an ant.

 

 

Dreaming about the old lady

thI admit, I poked the sleeping bear.  I should have expected to pay the consequences of my actions.  But it’s how I am.  I like living on the edge. I like to stir the pot.  You know that.

Let me set this straight, when I say ‘the old lady’ I am not talking about my old lady. No, I am talking about this old lady co-worker.  Let’s say older lady or older woman for politically correct reasons.

The older woman, scratch that.  Older woman sounds too formal and takes the fun out of the blog.  So back to the ‘old lady’ we go.  So anyways, she’s a bit of a prude and always one-ups everyone in the office.  “Hey old lady, I cooked a wicked turkey last night!”  You would say to her.  Her response would be something like this,  “Oh yeah?  I cooked this one last week that tasted like heaven. I had it with this and that and more of this and some of that, blah blah blah.”  So you can see why and how she annoys her co-workers.  And don’t ever think of crying on her shoulders.  You’ll end up getting an earful of her woes instead.  Your feet hurt?  Hers hurt even more.  Headache? Nothing compared to the one she had last week.

So because it’s how I am.  I made myself the old lady’s knight in shining armor.  Yes, she also irritates the hell out of me but I still decided to take one for the team and be her office friend.  As I like to bug people and press their buttons, I decided to also make her my next victim.  Knowing that she’s prudish, I would bug her almost daily about having a tryst.  (No, you silly reader! I am married.  Of course I didn’t mean it!). “Let’s go out later just the two of us.” I would say to her.  Well one day it came back to bite me in the ass.  She didn’t call my bluff or raped me but I actually had a dream starring the old lady!  Yes! I know eh!  Don’t laugh, it’s not funny!  I dreamt I fooled around with the old lady!  I immediately decided no more bugging her.  At least not in that way.  So far, no more dreams.

Was it good? Don’t ask silly questions.  I plead the 5th.

Prude definition:  a person who is overly modest or proper in behavior, dress, or speech, esp. in a way that annoys others

Friday Folly – 2013 World Naked Bike Ride

World naked bike ride

World naked bike ride (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just read about this annual bike ride held in Melbourne, Australia recently.  It somehow piqued my interest, not because there was rampant nudity but the fact that people can be cool with riding around the city in their birthday suits.

I can’t imagine taking part in something like that.  Maybe as a bystander but that’s it.  I have this fear of having unapproved erections.  At the wrong time and at the wrong places. Which in that case would make it an indecent exposure, wouldn’t it?  I would be riding my bike and thinking, “What if I get a boner right now?” And that thought would be enough to cause me to have one, to my utter embarrassment.  It just won’t be cool.  “Hey, look at that naked pervert riding behind the chick with the perky tits!  As if he has a hard on at a time like this!  Hey buddy, it’s a fricking bike ride of protest, not a vagina buffet!”  Nah, I couldn’t do it.  Sorry.

Some people just want to eff the dog

I was browsing the internet when I stumbled upon a story about a young woman caught having public sex with a pitbull.  She made no attempt to stop when confronted by the cops and it was alleged that she was under the influence of drugs or had a mental illness. (You think?).  My first thought was, ‘Only in Vegas’.

You won’t believe this, but soon after reading that, I opened up my local newspaper and read the following:

Soldier Gets 90 Days for Dog Sex Attempt
CJOB News Team reporting
2/26/2013

A soldier from CFB Shilo has been sentenced to 90 days in jail for trying to convince a teenage girl to have sex with him and his dog.

31 year old Tyson Larry Shiells admitted to contacting the girl online in September and offering her money.

He also pleaded guilty to similar charges involving a different woman.

Shiells has served two tours in Afghanistan.

His employment at the Shilo base is under review.

So much for ‘only in Vegas’.  It’s actually closer to home than I thought. I usually joke about people ‘doing the dog’ but I never thought they would.  So now that’s another  phrase I have to retire, just like ‘bite me’.

And you, be careful who you call a dog effer.

Related”

Woman eff the dog

Man wants to eat women

http://www.cknw.com/Channels/News/Winnipeg/story.aspx?ID=1898202

Bless this woman that I’m about to eat…

Eat me!

Eat me!

Well kick me in the ass and call me Susan! The news is just getting weirder and weirder. Beam me up Scotty, signs of lifeforms are nil down here. Ok here it is. A New York police officer has been arrested and charged with the crime of plotting to eat women. Calm down. I am not talking about that kind of eating. He planned on actually eating as in munching…I mean devouring them. Nevermind, you know what I mean.

But anyways, the cop was recorded talking to a co-conspirator detailing his plans to cook and consume a potential victim.

In an alleged on-line exchange between Valle and a coconspirator included in the complaint, Valle is quoted saying, “I was thinking of tying her body onto some kind of apparatus . . . cook her over a low heat, keep her alive as long as possible.”

“I love that she is asleep right now not have the slightest clue of what we have planned,” Valle allegedly wrote. “Her days are numbered . . . She does look tasty, doesn’t she?”

“You do know if we don’t waste any of her, there is nearly 75 lbs of food there,” replied the alleged co-conspirator, who also allegedly asked Valle, “What’s your favorite cut of meat?”

When the alleged co-conspirator asked Valle, “How big is your oven?”, Valle is alleged to have responded, “Big enough to fit one of these girls if I folded their legs.”

I realize that the price of food is skyrocketing but this is ridiculous! Human meat is fast becoming a delicacy and in high demand. This is far from being the only such case like this. In a few years from now we might be seeing restaurants boasting that they serve authentic succulent brunettes. I like my blondes well done sir, not rare. I hate blood. Ok, I am sorry. Eating people is no joke, organic or not. Just think, as we speak, or blog, someone is probably eating someone. Maybe right next door.

As gross as it does sound, don’t tell me you have never remotely wondered how would human meat taste. Come on…I didn’t say you craved the meat. Would a hottie taste any different from say a plain Jane?

Remember this, next time you tell someone ‘Eat Me!’ they just might.

Friday’s Folly: Watered-Down Beer Is Cause For Concern

thTo beer drinkers, it’s a criminal offense to serve them their favorite quaff after it’s been tampered with.  Worst yet, if water has been added to it.  The consequences of consuming the now less-than-effective-mind-altering liquid could be far reaching.  Well turns out that Budweiser, the king of beers, is being sued for doing just that.

Consider this.  You are at the bar drinking beers like it’s going out of style.  After about a dozen or so, you consider yourself sufficiently inebriated to make a move on the girl you have been eyeing up all night. You stumble over because that what drunks do.  She turns you down cold! And you are embarrassed.  You shouldn’t be!  What the heck?  You should be laughing in her face!  Isn’t that the whole idea of getting sloshed?  You walk back red-faced but sober to your corner, pick up your beer and look at it suspiciously.  “Something’s just not right here…”

What happened is that you took your liquid courage and because it was watered down, it didn’t do what it was supposed to do.  Now you can’t be a jackass and blame it on the alcohol.  You cannot have what you presumed was ‘fun’.  You feel naked without your ‘beer glasses’.  It’s time to sue those cheating, lying bastards for false advertising.  Apparently, it is also a violation of consumer protection laws.  I mean they might say they were protecting you by lowering the content but what good ambulance chaser would let them get away with that?  They get away with this and next thing you know, less nicotine in our cigarettes or less salt on our fries?

Now my question is, if you were sober when you thought you were drunk, do you still pretend you are drunk or do you keep drinking until you get drunk?

 

 

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