Friday Folly – 2013 World Naked Bike Ride

World naked bike ride

World naked bike ride (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just read about this annual bike ride held in Melbourne, Australia recently.  It somehow piqued my interest, not because there was rampant nudity but the fact that people can be cool with riding around the city in their birthday suits.

I can’t imagine taking part in something like that.  Maybe as a bystander but that’s it.  I have this fear of having unapproved erections.  At the wrong time and at the wrong places. Which in that case would make it an indecent exposure, wouldn’t it?  I would be riding my bike and thinking, “What if I get a boner right now?” And that thought would be enough to cause me to have one, to my utter embarrassment.  It just won’t be cool.  “Hey, look at that naked pervert riding behind the chick with the perky tits!  As if he has a hard on at a time like this!  Hey buddy, it’s a fricking bike ride of protest, not a vagina buffet!”  Nah, I couldn’t do it.  Sorry.

Some people just want to eff the dog

I was browsing the internet when I stumbled upon a story about a young woman caught having public sex with a pitbull.  She made no attempt to stop when confronted by the cops and it was alleged that she was under the influence of drugs or had a mental illness. (You think?).  My first thought was, ‘Only in Vegas’.

You won’t believe this, but soon after reading that, I opened up my local newspaper and read the following:

Soldier Gets 90 Days for Dog Sex Attempt
CJOB News Team reporting

A soldier from CFB Shilo has been sentenced to 90 days in jail for trying to convince a teenage girl to have sex with him and his dog.

31 year old Tyson Larry Shiells admitted to contacting the girl online in September and offering her money.

He also pleaded guilty to similar charges involving a different woman.

Shiells has served two tours in Afghanistan.

His employment at the Shilo base is under review.

So much for ‘only in Vegas’.  It’s actually closer to home than I thought. I usually joke about people ‘doing the dog’ but I never thought they would.  So now that’s another  phrase I have to retire, just like ‘bite me’.

And you, be careful who you call a dog effer.


Woman eff the dog

Man wants to eat women

Bless this woman that I’m about to eat…

Eat me!

Eat me!

Well kick me in the ass and call me Susan! The news is just getting weirder and weirder. Beam me up Scotty, signs of lifeforms are nil down here. Ok here it is. A New York police officer has been arrested and charged with the crime of plotting to eat women. Calm down. I am not talking about that kind of eating. He planned on actually eating as in munching…I mean devouring them. Nevermind, you know what I mean.

But anyways, the cop was recorded talking to a co-conspirator detailing his plans to cook and consume a potential victim.

In an alleged on-line exchange between Valle and a coconspirator included in the complaint, Valle is quoted saying, “I was thinking of tying her body onto some kind of apparatus . . . cook her over a low heat, keep her alive as long as possible.”

“I love that she is asleep right now not have the slightest clue of what we have planned,” Valle allegedly wrote. “Her days are numbered . . . She does look tasty, doesn’t she?”

“You do know if we don’t waste any of her, there is nearly 75 lbs of food there,” replied the alleged co-conspirator, who also allegedly asked Valle, “What’s your favorite cut of meat?”

When the alleged co-conspirator asked Valle, “How big is your oven?”, Valle is alleged to have responded, “Big enough to fit one of these girls if I folded their legs.”

I realize that the price of food is skyrocketing but this is ridiculous! Human meat is fast becoming a delicacy and in high demand. This is far from being the only such case like this. In a few years from now we might be seeing restaurants boasting that they serve authentic succulent brunettes. I like my blondes well done sir, not rare. I hate blood. Ok, I am sorry. Eating people is no joke, organic or not. Just think, as we speak, or blog, someone is probably eating someone. Maybe right next door.

As gross as it does sound, don’t tell me you have never remotely wondered how would human meat taste. Come on…I didn’t say you craved the meat. Would a hottie taste any different from say a plain Jane?

Remember this, next time you tell someone ‘Eat Me!’ they just might.

Friday’s Folly: Watered-Down Beer Is Cause For Concern

thTo beer drinkers, it’s a criminal offense to serve them their favorite quaff after it’s been tampered with.  Worst yet, if water has been added to it.  The consequences of consuming the now less-than-effective-mind-altering liquid could be far reaching.  Well turns out that Budweiser, the king of beers, is being sued for doing just that.

Consider this.  You are at the bar drinking beers like it’s going out of style.  After about a dozen or so, you consider yourself sufficiently inebriated to make a move on the girl you have been eyeing up all night. You stumble over because that what drunks do.  She turns you down cold! And you are embarrassed.  You shouldn’t be!  What the heck?  You should be laughing in her face!  Isn’t that the whole idea of getting sloshed?  You walk back red-faced but sober to your corner, pick up your beer and look at it suspiciously.  “Something’s just not right here…”

What happened is that you took your liquid courage and because it was watered down, it didn’t do what it was supposed to do.  Now you can’t be a jackass and blame it on the alcohol.  You cannot have what you presumed was ‘fun’.  You feel naked without your ‘beer glasses’.  It’s time to sue those cheating, lying bastards for false advertising.  Apparently, it is also a violation of consumer protection laws.  I mean they might say they were protecting you by lowering the content but what good ambulance chaser would let them get away with that?  They get away with this and next thing you know, less nicotine in our cigarettes or less salt on our fries?

Now my question is, if you were sober when you thought you were drunk, do you still pretend you are drunk or do you keep drinking until you get drunk?



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