Pregnant and Fat Kim Mad At Katie!

Don't be bloggin shit bout me!

Don’t be bloggin shit bout me!

Well my blogging pal Katie, from sassandbalderdash.com, done went and done it!  Yes I know, I said ‘done went and done it’.  She did.  Katydid!  What she did? She went and upset poor Kim Kardashian!  Serves you right, Katie!  That’s what you get for blogging that everyone should leave Kim alone! Here.  Kim got wind of it and she’s pissed!  Excuse me, that’s ‘pissed’ with a capital ‘P’.  She put the pee in pissed and we all know that girl is full of pee.  Or is that something else? I dunno.  Didn’t watch her entire amateur video.

Turns out that Ms. Kardashian of porn fame, does not want to be left alone.  No sir/madam.  After reading Katie’s blog, Kim responded with,  “Hell no! I don’t want to be left alone!  If I were left alone, do you think I’d be where I am today?  Do I look like celeb material to you?  Am I bursting with talent?  NOO!  Face it people, I got famous for the wrong reasons.  You leave me alone and there goes my career, if you want to call it that.”  At least her words were pregnant with truth.  She further went on to add that Katie should stay out of her business and not try to help her.  She would have said more but Kanye grabbed the microphone and added, “I just want to take the time to send a shout out to my favorite blogger out there.  Eggman!  What’s up bro?  Yore shit’s da bomb man!  You deserve to be Freshly Pressed!”  Word, Kanye.

Sorry Katie, yes, making fun of anyone’s weight is bad news.  Making fun of a pregnant woman’s weight is horrible.  Fake pregnancy or not.  As the saying goes, “Everyone’s pregnant until proven otherwise.”  Or is that something else? Nevermind, who cares?  It’s only Kim.  She has opened up herself to everything.  Not that way! I meant the way she…oh damn you people and your dirty minds...

Personally, I like Kim.  She’s…errr…Who the hell is Kim??

 

 

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Momma Said Keep Your Legs Closed Except For Maybe A Little Gap…

The much-coveted thigh gap

The much-coveted thigh gap

It is often said some girls are so tight that you have to pry their legs open with a crow bar.  Luckily for those men without crow bars or the strength to open up their women’s legs like oysters, women are simplifying things.  Men, say hello to the Thigh Gap! The latest trend among women and especially teen girls.

Girls whose thighs were once so close that they looked like mermaids, are now showing off thighs that are so far apart, you’d think they had a fight the night before.  You can see daylight through their legs now.  Easier access to the pearl.

On the serious side, our teenage daughters are starving themselves to acquire this ‘hot’ look!  Skinnier thighs equals thigh gaps.  An unhealthy practice to say the least.

I was never a fan of gap-toothed grin but a gap-thighed look? I dunno.  I have always been drawn to peep holes.  A thigh gap might be one of the best thing a wife could do for her husband also.  “Honey, you can stand in front of me if you want. I see the tv through your legs. It’s quite ok.”

So, do you have a thigh gap? Can I see forever through your thighs?  Is it naturally made or self-engineered?

An example where the before beats the after.

An example where the before beats the after.

I am not fat but my thighs sometimes rub together when I run.  This bothers me as it is a wee bit uncomfortable and stings.   Also, my ‘third thigh’ has to compete for space with two bigger and tougher muscle heads.  With a thigh gap, at least the little guy has some room to swing.  Yep, I think I need a thigh gap.

I’ll leave you with a little joke I heard way back.  At a young woman’s funeral, a man was overheard saying, “Finally they are both together.”  The person close to him asked, “Oh, her husband is dead?”  “No”, was the response, “I was talking about her legs.”

Friday Folly: Lost In The Loo

th (1)I wasn’t actually ‘lost’ per se.  I was kinda caught up in what I was doing.  No, not number too, even though that’s what people do when they go to the loo and spend a considerable amount of time in there.  Loo by the way, is an informal term for toilet.

Today, I paid unscheduled visit to the office toilet/bathroom/washroom/loo.  I had lots of work on my desk so I wasn’t intending to get too friendly with it.  Just in and out and back to work.  Well so much for that.  My short visit almost turned into a sleepover.  Someone who apparently had little on their desk, it being Friday and all, had taken the day’s newspaper to the bathroom and left it in there for the next visitor.  How nice! How thoughtful!

The mistake I made was to even spare a glance at the darn thing.  Next thing you know I was face deep in news, arts and sports.  Hockey scores, local crimes, latest fashion, food and entertainment, I took it all in as I sat on my porcelain throne.  My bare and ignored butt unaware of what was happening above deck. Totally clueless.

Oh, I even read the obits too! Yes I did.  As I finished up the last page, I realized that I was in my little private getaway for much too long.  Are they missing me out there?   I tossed the now  useless paper back where I found it, like a cheap and dirty hooker.  (Not that I have experience in that regard) then stumbled out into the light.  I looked back as I exited and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  Was it me or did I grow a beard while in there?  I seemed to have aged a bit also.  Even my co-workers didn’t look the same.  But that could all have been due to my eyes being out of focus.

What important lesson did I learn?  Shit or get off the pot.

I flushed and washed, in case you are wondering.

My Bathroom Getaway

My Bathroom Getaway

Absolutely Gorgeous? Really?

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Mired in this 6-month long frozen tundra, we get excited when temperatures climb by a mere degree.  After a week of temperatures in the -40 range, -25 is cause for celebration and celebrating we do!  Not me.  I hate to feel uncomfortable and cold weather, whether -40 or -1 makes me not comfortable.  So I am naturally prone to be less than enthusiastic about a few degrees climb up the temperature ladder.

Now I don’t mind those who are more inclined to treat -15 as the best thing they have ever feel.  “absolutely gorgeous!” “What a beautiful day!”  “It sooo nice outside!” They would gush as they come indoors, dressed in heavy winter jackets, gloves and ear muffs.  Oh yeah? It’s so gorgeous yet you are decked out like an Eskimo?  It’s like getting punched in the mouth, then complimenting your opponent on a great left hook.

A year ago to the day, it was +20 degrees.  Come to think of it, I didn’t hear one comment on how gorgeous it was then…

Summer_day_friends_Wallpaper__yvt2

This is what a gorgeous day look like.