Friday Double Folly: Waitress, This Coffee Tastes Like Shit!

Green logo used from 1987-2010, still being us...

Green logo used from 1987-2010, still being used as a secondary logo. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A shitty bit of news today, it is alleged, and alleged is the operative word here, that a Starbucks coffee in Hong Kong is using water from the bathroom to brew its coffee.

Now this might sound like a big cup of crap to you but for the coffee lovers out there, this is the shit!  Who wants to add the taste of crap to their morning breath? Now when someone says you have morning breath you can now respond with, “Nah, it’s just my Starbucks.”

When approached by the media, a Starbucks employee feigned surprise. “What? Coffee taste like shit?  Can’t be.  The bowls were cleaned only yesterday.  Mr. Yen! Hey, Mr. Yen!”  (Loosely translated).

The manager, Mr. Yen apparently came to the employee’s rescue and told the media, “Get lost! Drink shit and die!”

His suggestion may have come too late for some.  Have a great weekend! And remember, if there’s corn in your coffee, it’s not a good thing.


Friday’s Folly: What She Meant To Say

Backstage at The Heart Truth's Red Dress Colle...

Backstage at The Heart Truth’s Red Dress Collection Fashion Show during New York Fashion Week. February 13, 2009 at Bryant Park. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This week, the Amanda Bynes circus took its act to Twitter.  No big surprise there.  Chrissy Teigen who knows a bit about childhood stardom, tweeted that Amanda’s fans should not support her scary behaviour.  In her words, “The fact that Amanda Bynes has any ‘support’ to retweet is really unsettling. Support people with mental illness, yes. But don’t condone/enable scary and poor behavior.”

Amanda was furious and responded by letting Chrissy know that she was not that pleasing to the eyes.  “Chrissy Teigen, you’re not a pretty model compared to me. I signed to Ford models at age 13. I don’t look up to you beauty wise. I’m far prettier than you!” she argued. “I’m offended that you’re saying I have a mental illness when I show no sign of it, but thankfully not one man that wants me wants you and you are an old ugly model compared to me! You look 45! You’re not pretty so I’m not intimidated by you! I think you’re jealous that you’re just an ugly model who’s career is uninspiring! I don’t respect you! You’re no beauty queen! I’m a beauty queen!”

Miss Bynes countered that she did not have a mental illness and shows no signs of such.  I am still not sure what part of Chrissy’s tweet diagnosed her as having a mental illness.  Anyways, as I fancy myself an interpreter for celebrities, think dog whisperer, I took the liberty to translate what   Amanda Bynes really meant by her tweeted retort to Chrissy.

In short, when she said she did not have a mental illness, in her head she was actually saying, Chrissy girl, I’m weird as fu@k! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I need help big time before I self-destruct!  My fans think it’s cool that I act like this but it’s not an act, Chrissy.  I am screwed.   Oh and by the way, you are one hot bitch!  I try wearing some wigs to look cool but they only made me look like a witch, not a beauty queen.  Look at the pics I have been posting all over the internet.  Do I look like any beauty queen to you?  I am a shadow of the girl that was signed to Ford models at age 13 but thankfully Chrissy, not one man that wants you would even look twice at me.  I make Lindsay Lohan look like a saint.  I am a piece of work, aren’t I? Trust me honey, I exhibit lots of signs of mental illness.  My fans are just too blind to see that.  Anyways, thanks for bringing it to everyone’s attention.  I hope that I get the help I desperately need before it’s too late.

And believe it or not, that’s exactly what she meant to say.

Friday Folly: Can We Have The Cripple When You Are Done?

Walt Disney World Resort

Walt Disney World Resort (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ever been to Disney World?  If so, you know what a bit@@ it could be to get anywhere.  Lineups everywhere!  If you want to lineup, you have to stand in line for that too.  Well it seems like someone came up with a way to get around this setback.  Use a disabled person! A handicap! A gimp! Whatever politically correct term you could find.  They are there for the taking AND, people let them cut in lines all the time!

So, a group of rich snobs, unlike you and me, thought this up…Oh wait, or was it a wheel-chair bound woman?  I am not sure anymore but someone did.  It’s a win-win situation.  The disabled stand, or should I say sit, to make some cash while the snob with the perfect health and perfect family, gets to the front of the line.  Awww…look at Mrs. Smith and her cute kids…Is that her mom in the wheelchair?  Oh the poor lady.  I wonder what happened…Here  Mrs. Smith, you could go ahead of me.

And that, my friend, is how you cut in lines not only in Disney but everywhere.  Get yourself a disabled person and thank me later.  Now I must go and talk to my polio-stricken mother-in-law.  Poor lady has been in a wheelchair for so long, she could use a vacation.  I wonder if a trip to Disney World would interest her.  On the up and up of course…

Talking about that, a friend of mine went to Disney World with his wife who was recuperating from a broken leg and was in a wheelchair.  He kept getting rich looking women coming up to him and asking, “Are you done with her?”  Or  “If you aren’t using her, could we?”  Just kidding…but it could happen.

It’s Just A Sperm Sample, Officer.

imagesTo me, one of the most degrading moments in my experiences with doctors has to be the time when I had to take a sperm sample.  It trumped walking down hospital halls with my rear end exposed in those less-than flattering robes with the split down the backside.  Or the front, depending on how you wear it. Trumps being fondled while I turn to the side and coughed.  Even trumped getting a suddenly gigantic-seeming Q-tip inserted into my suddenly too-small urethra opening in my penis.  Yes.  It was downright degrading and embarrassing.

It all started when I had my Vasectomy.  As a follow-up to make sure that no swimmers were making it pass the dam, I had to take a sperm sample for testing.  That in itself is not that bad.  After all what’s one more masturbation, right?  What was bad was that I had to do it while at work and it had to be in the winter.

There was a window of time that I had to get the sample to the lab by or else it would be worthless.  (Hence the ‘at work’).  So there I was in my workplace washroom trying to conjure up dirty thoughts but all I could think of was the people just outside the bathroom door.  I work in a construction business, not hot girls here.  I thought to myself,  If they only knew what I’m doing right now...The sound of their voices did nothing to enhance the mood.

Finally, after much coaxing, I was able to procure the reluctant visitor and held him for questioning.  I placed it under my shirt and close to my body to maintain body temperature and hurried to my car.  As I drove to the lab, I was hoping that I would find a close parking, I wouldn’t fall and I wouldn’t be pulled over.  Thankfully, none of those happened.

At the counter, it was awkward opening my jacket like a street peddler and extracting my ware.  I read the woman’s face as she took it from me.  Hmmm….so, where and how did you get this?  What dirty thoughts ran through your mind?  Did you use a magazine?  Did you think of Jennifer Aniston nude?   As she took it, I felt a bit sorry and apologetic for her, not sure why.

Maybe I’m a prude after all.  I am not a new-cummer or as they say, a Johnny Cum-Lately but that ordeal left me with a bad taste in my mouth.  Pardon the comparison. I didn’t relish being forced to play with myself to orgasm.  I felt raped but by my own hands.

Friday’s Folly: Pimpin Ain’t Easy, Especially When You Are Almost 80

thIf you are ever out and about in Englewood New Jersey and happen to hear, “Granny for sale! Old granny for sale!” as you pass by a senior citizens housing complex, don’t be too alarmed.  They are not exactly selling granny.  Just leasing her out for sexual gratification.  Popularly referred to as prostituting.  Or in street slang as ‘pimping granny’s ass out’.

In a seniors complex in Englewood, these aged ones are hardcore.  A 75-year old man provides prostitutes to his younger neighbours while a 66 year old woman puffs away on her crack pipe as she awaits her next John.  Talk about a crack who@e…Ladies and gents, welcome to the the real world where crazy is the new sane.  And you thought old people were a boring sort.  Think again.  I am having second thoughts about letting my mom move into a seniors block.

I realize there’s a niche for every sexual whim known to man and that includes sex with overly-riped women but hearing or imagining it makes me shudder.  Not that there’s anything wrong with the golden girls and I’m sure Betty White would get her share of clients if she…Ah, nevermind.

If you don’t believe me, you can go ahead and read the story right here.  And stay tuned for the next reality show ‘Granny’s Gone Wild’.  And if you are ever in that neck of the woods, please don’t touch granny’s crack.  Well unless you are paying for it…

I have also heard that Johns are asked, “Would that be with or without teeth?”

Friday Folly: Growing Old Sucks!

thStop all the ‘aging gracefully’ garbage.  I simply do not want to grow old at all.  Gracefully or otherwise.  I thought I didn’t mind but that’s before I found out that I was actually getting old.

As I race towards 50 like a kid down a candy aisle, I am searching desperately for a brake pedal.  No  such thing? Then how about a lower gear so I could at least slow it down? Unfortunately that does not exist either.

The thing is, locked inside this youthful looking body of a 40-something man, is a youth.  A youth who still wants to enjoy the things he did as a…well a youth.  I don’t want to grow up, so sue me.  Well maybe I don’t mind the growing up part, it’s just the growing old I am not too keen on.  They are different, aren’t they?

You know what’s sad?  I see a beautiful girl at the mall and the youth in me stares.  Then the 40-something says, Whoa boy, she’s about 26.  Old enough to be your daughter.  If she catches me looking her way, I could imagine what goes through her mind.  Why is that creepy man staring at me? In my heyday my stare would have been accepted and returned with a smile.  Maybe even a thought.  You liking what you see?  Why don’t you come over and say hi?  And it only gets worst from here.

I stopped going to the bars a long time ago.  That decision was made when I found I was rubbing shoulders with kids that were the young siblings of girls I dated.  I knew them as babies.  Weird huh?

On Facebook,  I creep the pics of the girls I thought were hot back in the day.  Seeing some of their photos I can’t help but wonder what exactly did i see that made me think they were hot.  Then I check myself out in the closest mirror to see how much I had changed. Just in case they were saying the same thing about me.  The problem is, my mirror is either lying to me or I am lying to myself because I see a youthful looking man looking back at me. Not a fast-approaching-middle-aged man.

Do you ever look at your old classmates and go “Wow! time has not been kind to him or her.”  Then you wonder if they are saying the same thing about you? I have.  Remember when you were younger and your joints hurt it was because you played too hard or hurt  yourself doing whatever?  Now when you hurt, your first thought is,  “It must be arthritis.”  Remember when you actually remembered?

Yep.  Growing old really sucks!

Monday Madness: Honey, Let’s Make A Sex Tape!

Sex Tape

Sex Tape (Photo credit: Ludie Cochrane)

I enjoy reading Katie’s posts on Sassandbalderdash.  It’s entertaining and sometimes inspire my own blogs as well. It’s a win-win situation as I also provide free advertisement for her.  One day she’s going to get me in trouble.  Case in point, her last blog about Farrah Abraham of Teen Mom making and selling a sex tape.  After reading it, I was entertained and inspired.  So inspired that I immediately texted my wife, Honey, how about we make a sex tape?  It would solve all our financial whores.  Damn autocorrect!  I meant ‘woes’.

When she came home, my wife led me to believe that she was cool with my idea of making some quick dough.  “So tell me again about this new fangled idea of yours.  Where did you get it from?”  “Oh from my friend Katie over at sassandbalderdash.” I replied immediately.  She seemed to think about it for a moment and I took advantage to push my agenda further.  “Kim, Paris Hilton and even Pamela made tapes.  Why do you think they are famous?”  Then she asked the expected question.   “If I agree with this foolish plan, who would film us?”  I too thought for a split second.  Then I answered, “I don’t see why we can’t get Katie to handle that chore.  She seems like a nice enough gal and we hardly know her so I doubt we would be too uncomfortable.  She loves cheesecakes and who makes better ones than you?  Just give make her one and that should be good enough.  Plus it was her idea anyways.”

“What’s with you and this Katie chick?  Ever since you’ve been reading her blogs you seem different.  Are you guys blogging behind my back?”  I convinced her that there was no behind-the-back blogging on my part.  Then she apparently had a brain freeze as she asked the dumbest question.  “What if someone found the tape?”  Honey darling, everyone would have access to the tape.  That’s the whole point.  We can’t make money off it if we hide it in the safe.  That’s when she said an emphatic NO.  She agreed with Katie that doing so would be opportunistic rather than entrepreneurial.  But babes, who gives two hoots if we are rich opportunists or rich entrepreneurs?  Does Donald Trump care if you call him Don or Trumpy?

Friday’s Folly: You Saw Amanda’s Boobs? So What?

Backstage at The Heart Truth's Red Dress Colle...

Backstage at The Heart Truth’s Red Dress Collection Fashion Show during New York Fashion Week. February 13, 2009 at Bryant Park. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I liked Amanda Bynes as an actress.  I thought she was cute with a little bit of the ‘girl next door’ in her.  Such an innocent little darling.  A lot of guys secretly hoped to see ‘more of her’.  Men are like that.  They see a pretty face and they want to see ‘more’.

Well wait no more.  Amanda has been tweeting topless and almost bottomless pictures of herself.  The only problem is, they are cringe worthy.  Not dissing her body or admitting that I too have pored over them either but  the manner in which they were presented would completely kill any boyish excitement one may have had.  Kill the mood sort of.  Here is a woman, yes, she’s no longer a little girl, she’s almost 30! obviously lost in a state of mental confusion, self-induced or otherwise, exposing herself to the world.  To me, that’s like seeing a mentally deranged woman naked.  Yes, I know that might still be a turn-on for some   but there’s a name for those ‘some’.

Seeing uncovered parts of sexy celebrities such as Britney and Rihanna was maybe a dream for a lot of us guys until their nude photos were splashed all over the internet, quelling the mood like a cold shower as it became apparent that we were looking at the photos of sick and messed up people.  To be caught looking at them for gratification now seemed like a sick practice.  Something like taken advantage of the disabled.  Which it is in some way, right?

It’s good to see that Britney seems to have gotten over whatever she was going through.  Maybe Rihanna, Amanda, Lindsay and other celebrities hogging the news for the wrong reasons could get over their demons also and one day we could at least enjoy seeing them sans bras without feeling guilty or sick.

Blogger’s note:  Posting racy pics of yourself online is an advertisement for attention, even though I can’t imagine with millions of followers and fans, how much more attention do these attention-hogs need?

If You Love Something Let It Go…

thIf you love something or someone, set it free and if it comes back to you it’s yours and if it doesn’t, then it was never yours. 

Biggest pile of doo doo I have ever heard. The worst part is that I actually believed in it at one time.  Yes, me who dissect and investigate everything and never take anything at face value.  I fell for that lame old saying.

I loved a lot in my day. like love a lot.  Doesn’t make sense? I meant like in the sense of I was like this and I was like that. So I like loved a lot.  Got that now? And don’t tell me my love wasn’t real and how it was lust etc.  Some of these girls, I never even slept with.  But believing that silly ‘If you love something’ crap, I set them free.  They never came back.  Well some did but I’ll get to that in a bit.

When I set the girls free, I said, “I love you so much honey that I have to set you free.  I know we have something good going here but maybe you just aint mine.  So if you come back, you were indeed mine. So go honey go! Fly! Explore!”  And that was it.  They did call me some colorful names that I can’t write here. Family blog and all.  But they weren’t impressed with the way I ‘set them free’.

I also owned a few pets that I had to set free rather reluctantly and sadly.  I took a cat to the outskirts of town and ‘set it free’.  It guess it wasn’t mine as it never came back.  My dog Frudo, I took him across state lines and never saw him again either.  I thought he loved me but he obviously didn’t or he would have come back.  I even lost a kid too.  Sent her to live with her mommy and never looked back, expecting her to return.  I guess she wasn’t mine as I never saw her or heard from her again.  It was good finding out a few kids that I thought were mine were not.  Man, I was letting shit go like I had the runs. Family, friends, all got released and most never came back.

Then I got married and then for some strange reason, the girls I released into the wild came calling.   Aww…so they did love me.  Unfortunately for them, they took too long and fortunately for my wife, I am low on patience.  Some took a couple of years, some took ten years or more.  One took about twenty years but give her credit, she did come back. I can’t believe so many of them were actually mine!

So believe me, the saying is untrue. If you love something, please don’t let it go.  Hold on with both hands for dear life.  Squeeze the life out of the thing.  Unless you are stealing boomerangs, it might never come back if you let it go.

What did I do with the chicks that came back?  Oh you want to know eh?  Well I slept with the unslept-with ones and added the others on Facebook. I AM JUST KIDDING!!! About them being on Facebook. Wait, I turned that around.  I meant I am kidding about sleeping with them but they are on Facebook.

Who came up with that silly saying anyways?