It’s Just A Sperm Sample, Officer.

imagesTo me, one of the most degrading moments in my experiences with doctors has to be the time when I had to take a sperm sample.  It trumped walking down hospital halls with my rear end exposed in those less-than flattering robes with the split down the backside.  Or the front, depending on how you wear it. Trumps being fondled while I turn to the side and coughed.  Even trumped getting a suddenly gigantic-seeming Q-tip inserted into my suddenly too-small urethra opening in my penis.  Yes.  It was downright degrading and embarrassing.

It all started when I had my Vasectomy.  As a follow-up to make sure that no swimmers were making it pass the dam, I had to take a sperm sample for testing.  That in itself is not that bad.  After all what’s one more masturbation, right?  What was bad was that I had to do it while at work and it had to be in the winter.

There was a window of time that I had to get the sample to the lab by or else it would be worthless.  (Hence the ‘at work’).  So there I was in my workplace washroom trying to conjure up dirty thoughts but all I could think of was the people just outside the bathroom door.  I work in a construction business, not hot girls here.  I thought to myself,  If they only knew what I’m doing right now...The sound of their voices did nothing to enhance the mood.

Finally, after much coaxing, I was able to procure the reluctant visitor and held him for questioning.  I placed it under my shirt and close to my body to maintain body temperature and hurried to my car.  As I drove to the lab, I was hoping that I would find a close parking, I wouldn’t fall and I wouldn’t be pulled over.  Thankfully, none of those happened.

At the counter, it was awkward opening my jacket like a street peddler and extracting my ware.  I read the woman’s face as she took it from me.  Hmmm….so, where and how did you get this?  What dirty thoughts ran through your mind?  Did you use a magazine?  Did you think of Jennifer Aniston nude?   As she took it, I felt a bit sorry and apologetic for her, not sure why.

Maybe I’m a prude after all.  I am not a new-cummer or as they say, a Johnny Cum-Lately but that ordeal left me with a bad taste in my mouth.  Pardon the comparison. I didn’t relish being forced to play with myself to orgasm.  I felt raped but by my own hands.

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2 thoughts on “It’s Just A Sperm Sample, Officer.

  1. Haha I work in a gynecology office and we take sperm samples all the time for insemination. USUALLY we have the patients bring in their samples after doing the deed at home (or unknown “sexy location”) but we’ve had a few guys actually come with their empty cup and “collect” in the exam room waiting for the doctor. Awkward.
    Nice to know how the other side of the cup feels though!

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