I Flew With North West!

Northwest Airlines Airbus A330-223

Northwest Airlines Airbus A330-223 (Photo credit: dirkjankraan.com)

Kanye and Kim have named their baby.  I know, it’s old news and you have probably heard all the jokes already.  I don’t care bout that.  All I care about right now is the fact that two seemingly half-intelligent folks done went and named their poor kid after an airline.

I may be speaking or should I say blogging out of turn here.  Maybe the parents were mile high clubbers whose airline of choice was North West.  In which case, the name is apt.  Who cares what the baby would have preferred?  She could always change the name later.  North West it is.  Luckily, they fell asleep before they could come up with a middle name.  There is a God!

Now aren’t you glad that Kanye’s last name isn’t Pole? or Face? See? So it’s really not as bad as it seems.   Maybe it is also a good thing that North West airlines is not around anymore?  Could you imagine the Air hostess announcing, “Thank you for flying with North West” and someone thinking, “What?? Kanye’s daughter was on the plane??”  (I know, they would have to be really dumb, say maybe like Kanye and Kim). That’s where it could be a bit confusing.  How confusing would it be also to read headlines such as, “North West Is Going Down!”  or “Cash Strapped North West Goes Belly Up!”.  I personally like, “North West’s Assets Take A Dive!” or “Police Arrest Man For Masturbating While On North West.”  Yep, really good thing that they are not around anymore.

Ok.  Those headlines made me realize that it was a very dumb idea after all…Sorry baby North but your selfish parents did you wrong. I hope when you get old enough, you would go west young lady.  Far far west.  Oh, and lose the name.  If your parents were smart, they would have named you Delta, knowing that North West is no more.

Here’s to a bright future for North West. Nothing but bright skies…

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Monica’s Soiled Dress Up For Auction! Complete With Clinton Scum.

English: Monica Lewinsky, from her government ...

English: Monica Lewinsky, from her government ID photo by Office of the Secretary of Defense. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yes, THAT Monica.  Monica Lewinsky of Bill Clinton’s cigar fame has her negligee and letter from Bill Clinton on the auction block.  They were used in the case against Bill when as President of the United States and married to Hilary, he had an affair with Monica his intern.  He vehemently denied it, making famous the line, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”.  Apparently they did everything butt but.

For a measly $100,000 you could own both pieces of history!  Maybe later you could even clone President Bill!  Just imagine a herd of Billies running around getting sperm on everything.  The curtains, the baby sitter’s dress…  With the remnants of presidential sperm on your newly acquired negligee, you could even have sex with a President without him being in the same room!  Man oh man…the possibilities are endless.

I wonder how much Bill would get for the cigar?  Now that’s a probing question.

You crazy Americans, you!  You would do anything for money and pay money for anything.

Excuse Me Hon, Can I Lick You There?

Hmmm...I love you so so much!

Hmmm…I love you so so much!

Man this world is getting weirder and freaker by the day.  Open up your browser and you don’t have to look far to read about some zany craze that is sweeping the globe.  Planking, Owling, Cinnamon Challenge, Gangnam, Eyeball licking…Yes, eyeball licking is the next big thing among teens.  It originated in Japan but is quickly spreading to other countries.  As if kissing or having sex wasn’t good enough to let your partner know that you loved them, you now have to lick their eyeballs to really send the message.  Because nothing says ‘I love you’ like a good licking of the eyes.  Man, we have really come a long way…

Now, if you are like me you are probably wondering, “Who came up with this crap?”  Some kid sitting there watching tv with his girlfriend just thought to himself, “Hmmm, I wonder what my gf would say if I licked her eyeballs?  Hey babes, want me to lick your eyeballs? I would be gentle if it’s your first time.”  She would have to reply in the affirmative for this dumb craze to take off.  So her response would be something like, “Well to be honest, I have been licked by Jeff from the basketball team and Tony, the quarterback.  My friend Melissa licked me once too.  So sure, like my eyeballs, babes.”  And the rest is history.

Kids sitting around the corners in the hallway like squeegee kids ready to lick some teenaged eyeballs?  Seriously folks, life as we know it is fast disappearing.  We are doomed. Smarts are scarce.  Get beamed up if you can! But hurry!

And as if parents didn’t have enough to worry about, now instead of telling our  daughters to keep their legs closed, we have to tell them to keep their damn eyes closed now too?  Who wants to see their kid being someone’s eye candy?

Note:  Eyeball licking has been known to spread diseases including herpes and conjunctivitis.

OMG!! She really loves me!

OMG!! She really loves me!

Too Young, Too Rich, Too Popular To Be Guilty

7764100Justin Bieber was recently investigated for allegedly driving into a reporter.  But thankfully the investigation never got past, “Hi, I am a police officer and you are?”  The LAPD said there was no crime as apparently reporters are a dime a dozen and highly disposable.

Los Angeles police say Justin Bieber struck a pedestrian with his car in Hollywood Calif., on Monday night, but there was no crime and the injuries aren’t life-threatening.

See? The LAPD said there was no crime.  Just like there was no crime in giving Rodney King the beat down of his life.  The reporter was lucky not to have been charged for impeding Justin Bieber’s progress.  Or for walking into the projected path of a FERRARI driven by a teen heart throb.  Hello! We are talking about a ferrari here, not some Mustang or Honda Civic.  Come on photogs, give the guy some space.  It’s Bieber, man!  BIEBER! He hits you, you say sorry and check his car for damage which you promise to fix.  There ain’t no law that applies to the Biebs.  Belieb that.

Just a few months ago the same ferrari was involved in an accident in which a man was killed.  Yes, he was a reporter.  Justin Bieber wasn’t in the car at the time.  Well unless he was whisked away immediately.  So don’t even try to pin that on the kid either.

I don’t get how former NFL star, Keyshawn Johnson could accuse Justin of reckless driving.  Hate much?  Even some of Biebers neighbours, well make that all of his neighbors, are joint accusers.  Envy much? Those envious and jealous so and so!  Just wait till the Ferrari gets them…

Go get em Beibs!  You’ve got the law in your hands. in your pocket. on your side.

Friday Folly: The Erection Goes, I Go!

imagesMen, if you have a hard on lasting more than 24 hours, see a doctor.  If it’s the result of a botched penile surgery, sue immediately!  If it lasts 8 months, then you are just an idiot, an opportunist, or have a wife that decided to take advantage of your situation.  In this case, I think it’s the latter.  In some cases, if you have an erection that lasts more than a few hours, DON’T TELL YOUR WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND.  That’s like telling me you hid a pepperoni pan pizza somewhere in the house. I gotta get it! Or like telling a woman you have chocolate balls and a diamond dick.

It’s too bad that I did not warn the trucker from Newark who had a penile implant surgery done on him.  He is now suing the doctor that did the implant because his scrotum swelled up to the size of a basketball after 4 months and he had an erection that lasted 8 months.  Could you imagine? No, not you women.  You can’t imagine what’s it like to walk around with a loaded and aimed gun.  No wonder the wife took advantage.  She probably told him, “Don’t point that thing at me unless you plan on using it.”

So, the point of contention by the defendant’s lawyer is why didn’t this man come back after his balls became, well a big ball?  He couldn’t! He was threatened by his wife!  Here’s the guy with a blessing and a curse at the same time.  He could please his wife whenever she wants and for that, who cares about a little swelling in the sack area?

“Lose the erection and lose me, you selfish jerk!  You can finally satisfy my needs and you come up with this lame excuse?  Well, the erection goes, I go!”  That was probably her response when her poor swollen-balls husband mentioned that he wanted to get the surgery reversed.  The fact that she could now have sex and play a game of volleyball without leaving the bedroom couldn’t hurt either. So yes, she busted his balls over it.

Luckily for the guy, women are easily bored and after 8 months, she grew tired of seeing her husband as a prick.  She was probably not exactly the sports type either so playing volleyball quickly bored the heck out of her.  So one day she said to him,  “Honey, I’m not sure how to say this but I think your balls are swollen.  They are BIG! And I mean BIG!  You should go back and see that doctor who gave you the surgery.  You might want to see if he could do something for that permanent erection too.  It’s a pain in the ass.”

For 8 months, the guy couldn’t take his kid to school for fear of arousing suspicions and being labeled a pedophile.  Couldn’t stand in lines or get a massage, couldn’t go to the beach, couldn’t lie on his stomach…Heck, the guy couldn’t enjoy his kid playing on his lap!

And that’s when the trucker decided it was time to go see his lawyer.

Man, I would so switch with you!

Man, I would so switch with you!

Weird And Random Thoughts On A Lunch Stroll

imagesI started walking on my lunch breaks to get away from my desk and get some much-needed exercise.  It is going great! Kinda lonely, but I have my thoughts to keep me company.  I found that some of these thoughts were strange, weird, random and on the crazy side.   Here are yesterday’s thoughts from my stroll…

Great day for walking.  I will do about an hour today.  Should I put my cell in my pocket or hold it in my hand?  Ok, pocket it is.  Nah, hand is better.  Looks cooler.  Car keys in other hand.  Now we are good to go. Hey!  That blonde just checked me out!  And another! And another!  I must look not-too-bad.  Shit! Did I remember to suck my gut in and square my shoulders?  Can’t remember.  Look at the legs/ass on that girl in the shorts…oh nevermind, just some teenie girl trying to look older than she is.  What’s with these young girls today?  Should I turn here? No, go on a bit more. It’s still early into the walk.  Here is perfect!  Where the heck am I?  Holy shit! I walked far! I still have to get back to my car. Uh huh…I want to go poo pee bad!

I have been walking behind this lady now for the last 20 minutes.  I hope she doesn’t think I’m following her.  I am dressed for styling/work, not walking.  I must look idiotic.  Oh swing those arms! Look like you are walking! You are passing by a school!  You don’t want to be mistaken for a pervert.  Let them know you are just getting your exercise in.  What’s this world coming to anyways?  A grown man can’t casually stroll by a school without feeling self-conscious?  Ok, I am done with this walking.

Why is that woman sitting on the grass?  Why is that girl lying on the grass? Reading or texting?  Must be texting, young people don’t read anymore.  I seriously want to pee but I just need to get back to my car and get to work. I can pee there.  I should pee behind that tree but with my luck, that blogger chick who blogged about seeing too many penises would see mine and blog about it.  I.am.seriously.done.

How come I’m the only idiot walking anyways?  So many people yet I’m the only exerciser? Nice bike in that yard. I wonder what they would do if I just took it and ride away…Ok, where the hell is my car?  It’s almost an hour! I always do this crap.  Go walking and forget that I have to walk back.  Oh, there it is, just a block away…finally! Now to go back to work and blog about it.

 

Check Out The Hottie In The Window!

A pair of mannequins

A pair of mannequins (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Maybe I am wrong but in an old post, I think it was the one about yoga pants, here. I mentioned casually that even mannequins look hot in them. Well if they look hot in lululemon, imagine them in bikini.  Sorry Mumbaians, imagine is all you can do.  Your days of lusting after bikini-wearing-mannequins are over.

Thanks to a steep rise in rape crimes, Mumbai is clamping down on bikinis on mannequins. Peering through a store window, trying to catch a glimpse of the scantily clad fiberglassed hottie could soon be a thing of the past.  It’s a shame as I have made a few bikini purchases for the loves of my life, based on those same mannequins. I hope that they at least provide real-life models…maybe discreetly? Excuse me ma’am, could you put this on so I know what my wife would like with it?  No, not you, your butt’s too big, my wife has a small butt.  Come with you? Ok.  Your place or mine?

Damn rapists!  They spoil everything!  I wonder if the government ever heard of castration?  I hear that could be very effective…Just saying.

That was actually cleanish, wasn’t it?  Maybe even FP worthy?  Mumbaians is not a word? So? Mannequins in lingerie are not humans either.

See that? No sexual innuendos as promised.