Friday Follies: Don’t Give Miley A Hand, Just Give Her The Finger

Not the finger! Please nooooo!Lucky for me I didn’t catch Miley’s performance at the MTV Video Music Awards.  Ok fine, I did see it but I am embarrassed to say I did.  Hell, I am embarrassed for everyone who did.  I was embarrassed for Miley too but when I tried to tell her that, she wanted me to explain the meaning of embarrassment.

It took me a while but I was able to come to a plausible conclusion to explain Miley’s onstage antics.  MILEY WAS GIVING HERSELF THE FINGER! The girl hates herself and wishes she would just go away.  She poked, rubbed and prodded herself on stage hoping to find some semblance of sanity but unfortunately, none was to be found.  To give credence to what I thought, I heard through the grapevine that someone had told Miley earlier to go eff herself.  She went onstage and did just that.  In a soft core porn sort of way.  Hopefully, she also effed her career goodbye.

From what I could remember, Miley used a foam hard as a sex prop for her performance, (could we still call it a performance?).  Well I read this morning that the inventor of the foam hand, Steve Chmelar, is pissed off that his invention was desecrated and degraded.  Here.  It’s like what Madonna did to the crucifix in her ‘Just Like A Prayer’ video.  And to make matters worst, sales of said hand have been dropping faster than Miley’s sanity.  No one knows where the hand has been and won’t take a chance.  Steve added that he thinks the foam hand could bounce back from this, just like, foam?  He couldn’t say the same thing for Miley Cyrus.

I also heard through the grapevine that Robin Thicke’s wife vowed not to touch him until he is decontaminated.  The things you hear through the grapevine…Know what else I heard?  Well reliable sources said that when Billy Ray, Miley’s dad, saw her act, he texted her the following:

Miley you broke my heart
My achy breaky heart
I thought that you would understand,
That wasn’t very smart
It really broke my heart
You just had sex with a foam hand.

Her reply?

You can kiss my ass
My flat chicken butt ass
I am not your daughter anymoreth
I don’t care bout your heart
Never did from the start
What the fu** you text me for?

Yes, the things I hear through the good ole grapevine…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Wacky Wednesday: There Was A Young Man Who Swallowed A Toe.

mi-sourtoeI intended to blog about Miley Cyrus but it seemed like my draft was moved to trash.  Is that some kinda hint?  Well I guess that’s where it belongs.  So, have you heard about the fella who swallowed a severed toe?  If not, read on…

There was a fella who swallowed a fly
And please don’t bother asking me why
But I sincerely thought he’d die.

But the same fella, he swallowed a swatter
They tried to warn him but it didn’t matter.
He swallowed the swatter to kill the fly
And lucky for him, he didn’t die.

The fella next he swallowed a hook
To grab the swatter by its crook.
The swatter was to kill the fly
And no, he still didn’t die.

And then the man swallowed a hand
To grab the hook, you understand?
The hook to pull the swatter out
The swatter killed the fly, no doubt
I still don’t know why
That silly fella didn’t die.

And then he did something really strange
All this swallowing perhaps made him deranged
He swallowed a severed human toe!
Nail and all if you must know!
He deserved a kick in his behind
But for his stupidity, he was fined.

He didn’t die from what I hear
But when he poops, he gets kicked in his rear.

 

 

 

Monday Madness: Women Cruise Convertible Style In Vancouver

go-topless-day-282In Vancouver yesterday, men forsook the boob tube and instead took in some real boobs as women bared their tops in the name of gender equality.  In case you are wondering what that means, it means that some women are not happy that us men are allowed to let our tits hang out while they have to keep theirs covered.  I agree!  I am sure that my man boobs does not equate to the same thing as a woman’s but hey…

Now I have a small confession, you see when I’m bored I sometimes look at chests.  Women’s chests. YES BOOBS!  Jeez, you just had to make me say it, didn’t you? Anyways yes I do. Most of the times they are on the computer and I have to pay for them.  Could you imagine the breast buffet if women are allowed to bare arms breasts?  Man I could see the real thing! I don’t have to sit for hours on my puter.  I will be like a vet, “Show me those puppies, ma’am.”

Too bad women were too chicken back in my day.  They would never have given thought to such ridiculousness.  Show my breasts?  No effing way!  Heck, even my girlfriends didn’t take theirs out unless it was pitch dark in my bedroom.  This is indeed a giant step for mankind.  Oh and womankind too.  These brave women deserve a good chest bump.  From me of course, who else?

Hey, but have you noticed that the women participating in these things are usually the ones you would rather not see?  Just an observation.  And what’s with those who put pasties on their nipples?  (see pic above). Come on woman!  Are you in this or not?  It’s all or nothing.  Have you ever seen a convertible with its roof half down? NO.  Then smarten up and let it all hang out!  It’s for a good cause.  What’s it for again??

Disclaimer:  I was just kidding about looking at breasts on the computer.  I don’t.  Well not unless they are looking at me first.  I am married, remember?  To a woman who is not afraid to show me her puppies when it’s not dark.

 

 

It’s Almost 3am And I Can’t Sleep!

sleep

sleep (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

Pardon me for waking you up at this ungodly hour but I cannot sleep!  I lay there with my mind going at a break-neck speed.  Doesn’t it realize that it has all day tomorrow to think? I am hot, I am uncomfortable, I am restless.  Then I thought that maybe I should get myself a drink.  As in the hard stuff.  But then I remember the warnings.  “Don’t drink before bed, you won’t be able to sleep”.

But wait a minute!  What kind of conspiracy is this??  Have you ever seen someone under the influence with their eyes wide open and alert?  Exactly!  They are always fast asleep!  Passed out somewhere, anywhere.  Seems like the perfect sleeping pill to me.  So why lie to us?  So we won’t deplete the stock?

I tried the sheep counting thing but that kept me even more awake.  I stayed up wanting to find out how many sheep there actually were.  So here I am blogging at 2:46am.  Everyone’s asleep.  Oh, I just had some mini wheats cereal, maybe that would do the trick.  Well if it doesn’t, you know where to find me.  I’m off to give it another shot…night night.  Actually I should say ‘good morning’.

Am I Not Sexy Enough For Your Splash Park?

IMG_5755_blogToday I took my kids to the splash park in the neighborhood as a treat for good behavior.  It was packed!  No, not just busy, packed!  The first thing I noticed was how I was overdressed for the venue.  Mothers in two-piece bikinis on the plus side of skimpy, chased their little ones around as if they were at the beach. I was confused.  I was excited.  Then I was sober. Wasn’t this supposed to be a splash park where kids play at the mini fountains while their parents sit in the shade and watch with hawk eyes?  Granted, there was a wading pool but it was hardly an excuse to don a full-out bathing attire.  It wasn’t deep enough to cover my toenail.  Plus, the bikini-clad ones never even got their ankles wet.  Oh wait a minute! Maybe they were there to catch a tan.  Yes! That’s it!  They were dressed to tan.  Who cares if the sun was barely out.

As I stewed in consternation and compared butts, I pondered going back home to get my swim trunks.  Just then a mother in her late 30’s or so strolled past me wearing heels.  Yep, heels with straps.  Looked really nice on her feet but for some reason, again seemed out-of-place.  I glanced up and she was dressed as though she should have stayed outside the fence monitoring her kids from afar rather than up close, risking a wet down.  And yes, she could have been at work when she suddenly got hit by an idea.  Why don’t you get up from your desk and go take your kids to the splash park?  That would explain the high heels.  But what about the shorts?  Ok, I never said I have all the answers.  I looked at my own feet in thongs. (not that kind).  Come on man, at least wear your Nikes!

Maybe it’s a sign that I’m getting old, (my birthday was just last week) Thinking conservative and all.  I need to loosen up a bit, both mentally and in attire.  Nothing wrong with mingling with kids while wearing bathing suits, right?  Of course not. It’s not at all like bringing beer to a child’s birthday party.  No, nothing at all like that.

 

She’s Young And I Am Older, I Am Mature But She’s Maturer

imagesIt was not supposed to be this way. She was too young. Well maybe I was too old but then that would sound self-defeating. We worked together on the night shifts and in the same department and I being Mr. Popular or was that Mr. Flirt? It was inevitable that we would cross paths. And so we did.

Yes, it wasn’t supposed to be this way and that was why we went out with co-workers for late night/early mornings eats or hangouts. These soon turned to unthreatening outings for two. Because of the age difference, I made clear my gentlemanly intentions. She agreed. You aren’t suppose to agree! What are you saying? I am not good enough for you? You calling me old?

She was very mature, and I am not just saying that to give myself an excuse. She was! I wasn’t and still isn’t, the most mature guy you would ever meet so that narrowed the gap and maybe put us to within a 10 year difference. In reality we were 19 years apart!  As a matter of fact, we still are.

As things heated up, I started googling May-December relationships. Could they work? But we are from different eras. She grew up listening to New Kids On The Block while I grew up with, ah, never mind. It didn’t matter that MC Hammer was making a comeback. What would we talk about? What could we possibly talk about?

We talked about music. She knew more about classic rock than I did and introduced me to Bon Jovi and others. She made me rediscover country and gave me Garth brooks and George Strait. Not exactly teen heart throbs. My younger and single male coworkers were sick with jealousy. Why me? They asked. “He always gets the new girls”. Yeah, I was known as a player. “It would never work”, they added. Strangely no one poked fun at our age gap. I was encouraged.

Encouraged, I decided to at least date for a while hoping she would wake up and realize she could do better. Well not better as in finding a better guy, just one closer in age. Unfortunately for her and fortunately for me, (It is still debatable who is the fortunate one) she never woke up. No no she didn’t die. Just never woke up to the realization .

Ten years and three of the cutest kids in the world later, coupled with an 8-year-old marriage certificate, we are still going strong. She still haven’t caught up age wise but mentally we are now about on level ground.

Ok, I forgot, it wasn’t all a cake walk, her aunt did take me out for a coffee talk and told me to ‘stay away from her, you old perv! You want her money?’ Not in those words. Then I smilingly told her I am the innocent one here. Your niece is the mature one, go give her crap, not me. Her uncle refused to meet the old sicko who was obviously playing his niece.  Good for me he did, he is a big scary looking dude. Happy to report that they all showed up at the wedding and had the time of their lives. Both aunt and uncle later succumb to my irresistible charm and now think I am Mr. Wonderful .

YOLO.

 

Friday’s Folly: Chris Brown Hanging Up His Gloves. Music Gloves That Is

Say Goodbye (Chris Brown song) cover from Chri...

Say Goodbye (Chris Brown song) cover from Chris Brown (album), by Chris Brown (singer), from the film and soundtrack Step Up (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In some shocking breaking news, Chris Brown has announced, well tweeted, that his next album could very well be his last.  His reason for such a drastic move is that he feels he is no longer known for his talent but more for the beat down he put on Rihanna.  Chris is also known for singing…er…um…songs. He says that when he’s out and about all he hears is “Hey, isn’t that the guy who roughed up Rihanna?” Then everyone wants to buy him drinks and he ends up driving home drunk and/or getting into trouble.

This all came to a head last week when Chris was taken into custody for a hit-and-run case.  When he got to the jailhouse, the chief of police recognized who he was immediately.  “Say, you are that damn kid who bitch slapped that crazy bitch who dissed you to the world then took you back, right?  What’s her name again? Oh yeah, Breanna!”  The chief slapped his knees, pounded fists with CB then looked at the arresting officers.  “What the hell are you doing standing there? Let this nig** go!”  The poor officers stuttered, “But sir, it was a domestic violence case and the chick was Rihanna.” The chief would hear none of it.  “Domestic violence my ass! That chick whatchamacallher needs to be domesticated first. Now get this guy out of here so he can rejoin his football team.”  “Sir, he’s not a football player, he’s a singer.  Ah, never mind. Yes sir!”

So with that kind of fame, poor Chris is choosing no fame at all and riding off into the sunset.  Some are predicting that Riri would follow him.  We would so miss them.

Stay tuned for his next tweet.