Lucky for me I didn’t catch Miley’s performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. Ok fine, I did see it but I am embarrassed to say I did. Hell, I am embarrassed for everyone who did. I was embarrassed for Miley too but when I tried to tell her that, she wanted me to explain the meaning of embarrassment.
It took me a while but I was able to come to a plausible conclusion to explain Miley’s onstage antics. MILEY WAS GIVING HERSELF THE FINGER! The girl hates herself and wishes she would just go away. She poked, rubbed and prodded herself on stage hoping to find some semblance of sanity but unfortunately, none was to be found. To give credence to what I thought, I heard through the grapevine that someone had told Miley earlier to go eff herself. She went onstage and did just that. In a soft core porn sort of way. Hopefully, she also effed her career goodbye.
From what I could remember, Miley used a foam hard as a sex prop for her performance, (could we still call it a performance?). Well I read this morning that the inventor of the foam hand, Steve Chmelar, is pissed off that his invention was desecrated and degraded. Here. It’s like what Madonna did to the crucifix in her ‘Just Like A Prayer’ video. And to make matters worst, sales of said hand have been dropping faster than Miley’s sanity. No one knows where the hand has been and won’t take a chance. Steve added that he thinks the foam hand could bounce back from this, just like, foam? He couldn’t say the same thing for Miley Cyrus.
I also heard through the grapevine that Robin Thicke’s wife vowed not to touch him until he is decontaminated. The things you hear through the grapevine…Know what else I heard? Well reliable sources said that when Billy Ray, Miley’s dad, saw her act, he texted her the following:
Miley you broke my heart
My achy breaky heart
I thought that you would understand,
That wasn’t very smart
It really broke my heart
You just had sex with a foam hand.
Yes, the things I hear through the good ole grapevine…
- Miley Cyrus’ Foam Fingering Sesh Gets A Wag Of The Finger By The Inventor Of The Foam One! (perezhilton.com)
- Foam Finger Inventor: Miley Cyrus ‘Degraded an Honorable Icon’ (gawker.com)
- Oh God, Why Am I Starting To Like The Embarrassing Mess That Is Miley Cyrus? (dlisted.com)
- Miley Cyrus Masturbates Onstage at VMA Awards (video) (guardianlv.com)
- Dear Son, Don’t Let Robin Thicke Be A Lesson To You (themattwalshblog.com)