Why Did The Duck Cross The Road?

indexIt was a nice day for driving.  Bob Marley was still blasting through my speakers still telling me ‘Don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing, is gonna be alright.”  So I wasn’t worried.  Like I said, it was a fine day for driving. Or did I say ‘nice’?

Then I saw it.  A damn duck deciding  to cross right in front of me!  I squealed my tires as I came to a sudden stop. Isn’t that ironic that you could maneuver around pedestrians and even hit a few but when it’s a duck, you have to be extra extra cautious?  The things can back up traffic for blocks.  You don’t want to harm a duck now.  So I mentally killed and cooked it up.  Mmm, duck soup! The duck turned its head to look at me as if to say, “Sit there and take it like a man! Bitch! Lol!”  Yes, it even had the ‘lol’.  I contemplated running it over but the duck must have read my mind.  “Don’t even thing about it!”  The look said it all. “See that guy in the big masculine truck beside you?  You run me over and you answer to him.” I glanced over and sure enough there was a big fella with an obviously soft heart watching the bird cross with love in his eyes.  He felt my stare and glanced my way.  “The duck’s right.  Just chill and let it cross, dude.”  What? You too big fella?  You would take delight in running people over but you sit there and fall in love with a crossing duck?!  Your fore-parents would turn in their graves.

As the duck reached the middle of the road, she (I decided it had to be female) decided to rub it in my face even more.  She lowered her tail and ejected her load.  Yes, she shit right where my tires would travel when I continued my forward movement.  The nerve! Asshole! Duck you!  The look she gave me said “Eat shit!”  Man, this duck was really ruining my nice drive.  Shut up Bob! You aren’t exactly helping right now!  I shut off the stereo, tuning brother Bob out.  Everything wasn’t exactly turning out alright.

It seemed like forever but Miss Thing finally made it across.  As she re-mingled with her kind, she quacked something to them and they all gazed in my direction.  THEN, they started to step off the curb to re-cross the street!  Too bad I wasn’t around to verify this.  Again my tires squealed as I peeled away.  Duck! I yelled in frustration, the christian in me substituting the F for the D.  In my mirror, I could see Mr. Tough Guy still sitting there as if mesmerized.

So why did the duck cross the road?  Because she could, whenever and wherever she wants to.



The F In Friday Follies: The Seat’s Not Taken And We’d Rather It Stay That Way

We wanted this...

We wanted this…

Last Wednesday, the wife and I decided to take in a movie as part of our anniversary celebrations.  We went to see Pacific Rim in 3D as the reviews were glowing and a couple of our friends raved about it.

We were mildly surprised to find an almost empty theatre when we walked in.  We thought it would be packed considering how well it was doing but it was great to be able to choose where we wanted to sit.  We sat a couple of rows up and not too far from the aisle. The row below us and behind us were uninhabited.  Bonus!

While the previews were rolling, a young couple walked down the aisle in front of us looking for a seat.  Come on guys! Go farther away!  I would like to put my feet up on the back of this chair once the movie starts so please wander off in search of better pasture. He apparently didn’t hear my thoughts sent his way or chose to ignore me.  They sat down right in front of us! The nerve…

Uh huh! They are getting up! There is a God and he’s right here in this place! Thank you father for hearing my prayers.  The couple decided immediately upon sitting down, that being in front of us was not the best place for them.  They stood up, surveyed the expanse of the room then the geeky boyfriend pointed to some seats in our row.  Seriously buddy? My row? It’s our fricking anniversary here! Can’t we get some semblance of privacy just for a couple of hours?  Again, they ignored my mental pleas.

They decided it would be faster to just jump over the chairs and so they did.  Only one seat separated us from these squatters.   But they weren’t done.  They still weren’t happy. Not close enough, apparently.

We heard geeky boyfriend say to his girlfriend, “Move down.” My wife and I looked at each other.  Are you trying to get her to sit in our laps? Are you going for a swinging thing here son?  I’m all in but here’s not the place.  See us in the parking lot after but in the meantime, beat it and leave us alone!  His girlfriend ignored his request so he leapfrogged her and now he’s sitting hip to hip with my wife. Perfect!

If you had walked into that mostly empty theatre, you would have concluded that we came together.  (No, not that kind of ‘came’.  Stop thinking dirty!).  We looked like two couples that came out on a double date except they were geeky but cool couples sometimes have geeky couple friends, right?  Do you?

I am not sure what made these folks cuddle up to us like that.  We weren’t exactly sitting in prime seats or anything but here they were, crowding our personal space like an unwanted kid.  My wife later said she should have farted.

Young fella, if you and your little missus are reading this, what’s up with that, bro?

but got this

but got this