Looking for work, will be back soon.

You heard the man, now go read some of his previous blogs until he comes back.  Just a couple days more…

thanks!

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Who Gargled My Milk?

gargleMouthJill_largeI stumbled across a website a few days ago advertising a product called, ‘White Power Milk’.  Well I didn’t really stumble across it, my nephew and his friend were telling me about it so I of course googled it.  At first I was like WTF?! This shit’s for real? Then I dug a little deeper and found out it was intended to be art. Art! Again I was like WTF?!

The website, found here, advertised gargled milk for sale.  The whole process is described and involves beautiful, (Not in my opinion) white girls with clean medical records, gargling milk to remove  contaminants. How much more artistic could you get? Their milky white necks bent backwards while white foam could be seen between their lips…mmm…art!  NOT!!

It’s a good thing it’s a fictitious piece of work.  It is, right? Tell me it is, dammit!  None for me, thank you.  I’ll be getting my milk from Shakira.

 

Friday’s Folly: Shakira! Shakira! More Milk Please!

English: Shakira at the Rock in Rio concert in...

English: Shakira at the Rock in Rio concert in 2008. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I read somewhere, maybe here, that singer Shakira loves the art of breastfeeding so much that she apparently said she would love to breastfeed her son until he starts college.  Those are strong words, Shak!

 

Now in case Shakira doesn’t know this, after kids turn 5, they usually go through a phase where they don’t want anything to do with their parents, much less their boobs.  If her son remains true to form, it is quite safe to say he might not enjoy taking time away from playing   Xbox 360 or watching UFC, to grab a few sips of milk from his hot mommy’s mammaries.  Even if it does a body good.

 

That’s where I come in.  Because she loves, really loves, breastfeeding, I am hereby offering my services to Shakira.  I love milk and I suck.  Well my wife says I do…so it’s a win-win situation.  Plus with these lips, I could suck the paint off a wall and you know that…(drum roll please)  LIPS DON’T LIE!

 

 

 

Friday Folly: Al Quaeda Leader Is Calling.

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki in Yemen October 2008, ta...

Imam Anwar al-Awlaki in Yemen October 2008, taken by Muhammad ud-Deen. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Again I missed an important call!  Just when I thought that I was well connected with all the social medias and electronic gadgets, I’m still missing important calls.  Today I found out that the Al Quaeda leader, now how many Al Quaeda leaders are there? called for attacks on American soil.  In his words, he wants to ‘bleed American economically.’

First, I hate missing stuff.  Anything.  My wife is always the one to tell me they are calling for snow, or sleet or rain or whatever.  When I asked who is ‘they’ and when did they call, she looks at me like I’m weird and walks away.  Now back to this Al Quaeda fella.  So he wants me to do what?  He could have left a message on my voicemail.  Not that I would have complied with his wishes but still…

I would have returned the call but apparently Al Quaeda operatives are a bit overly suspicious as he had his number blocked.  Hey, Mr. Quaeda leader, if you read blogs, follow this…DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN!  I don’t care if you are calling for bombings or beatings or what have you.  Do not call.  You are an idiot!  If you have a problem with America, go and discuss it with them yourself!  Do not include me in your stupid terror plans!  You give muslims a bad name.  Heck, you give humans a bad name!

Oh how I wished I had picked up the phone when he called…

Pissicle For Sale! Pissicle For Sale!

English: positive pregnancy test Deutsch: Ein ...

 

Did you know that on Craigslist one could actually purchase piss on a stick? Ok, not really pee on a stick per se but a positive pregnancy stick.  You know the stick with the plus sign indicating the pisser is pregnant?  Why would someone want to buy that? Happy you asked.  Well apparently women stuck in dead-end relationships that are stuck in first gear are using it to prod their men into action.  “Honey, I’m pregnant!” is supposed to get them to fall to their knees, diamond ring in hand.

 

In some rare cases, the unwanted response goes something like this, “Pregnant? WTF!! But we never once had sex!  How could you be pregnant?  Is this some joke?” If a woman could be so devious as to come up with this trickery, she would have an easy reply to this confrontation.  “Why do you always have to be such a party pooper?  A damn male Debbie Downer! Is it always about sex with you?  Can’t you just be happy for me? For us?”

 

So the hapless and probably pissed off Romeo now has a decision.  Should I stay or should I go now?  Sing it with me. Should I stay or should I go now?  Sorry, I have been diagnosed with ADHD and can’t concentrate on anything too long. Now where were we?  Oh yeah, piss.

 

But what if the guy decides to do right by his deceitful gal pal and actually pooped, oops, i meant popped the question?  Well don’t look at me, I don’t have all the answers.  I just throw out scenarios.  Seriously though, what if he marries her and starts prepping to be a daddy?  What does she tell him then?  That she lost baby Jeffery?  “Oh yeah?  You lost the baby?  That’s funny, I think I lost the ring too.  I lost my zeal to be with you also.”  Then he’d probably say,  “Baby bye bye bye…” I hope you sang that one too.  At least she could always resell in on Craigslist.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh Susana!

My African Princess

My African Princess

I received the following private message a couple days ago on Facebook:

Susana Yake

Hello, My name is Miss Susana Yake, I am an Africa girl, I read your profile today at it was so good to me. I feel you are the only one missing in my entered life so i decided to stop on it and let you know that i am interested to be a friend first. I also believe that coming to you will be a probability of meeting that very thing that has been lacking in my entered life. Please contact me at my email address (susanayake_a20@yaho­o.com)I am a girl with respect and responsible,i respect people also and believe if you contact me,i will give you a full introduction of my self okay. i hope to hear from you soon. Remember, all the darkness in the world, can-not put out the light of a single candle as long as the light of love shines bright in your heart, and (Remember the distance or color does not matter but love matters a lot in life cares for my future love. (susanayake_a20@yaho­o.com)

 

At first I was naturally quite flattered.  Come on! I know, I am married but who doesn’t like to get some attention from someone other than the other half? Makes you go, “See honey, I told you the chicks still find me attractive.”  Plus, what’s not to like about an ‘Africa girl’ as she so eloquently put it?  Once you go black, you never go back.  Just ask my wife.

Susana wrote that she saw my profile and got smitten immediately.  Well maybe not in those words.  She also said that she respects people.  Susana, two things I don’t understand, if you saw my profile you would have noticed it said ‘married’.  Wait a minute! How could you even see my profile if my settings prohibited non-friends from seeing it?? Zuckerberg!! Let’s ignore that breach of security for a second so I could mention the next point of contention.  Suzie, you also said you respect people.  If you did, how could you try to come between my wife and I without first asking if we would be cool with a third-party?  Not that I am complaining…

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news Sue, but I think that I won’t be able to fill that hole in your ‘entered’ life.  As a matter of fact, there would be no ‘entering’ or filling of any kind.  I am scared that if I go black I won’t come back and my wife and kids would be devastated with me not coming back.  So I have to decline your offer of everlasting and true love.

If you feel so inclined, keep those flattering messages coming and maybe include a phone number so we could chat sometime. But just chat! Nothing else!  Nice pic by the way! Got any more? Do you go to the beach? Got any beach pics? I love beach pics.  Or sleepover pics of you and your girlfriends having pillow fights. Oh Susana…

 

Wacky Wednesday: Fifty Shades Of What?

th-2Say what? They are planning on making a movie based on the book ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’?  Well I don’t know too much about that book except from what I got from peering over my wife’s shoulder as she read it.  Oh, and from the snippets of information she kept passing to me. (Like I care), Oh, and from those times I actually picked it up when she wasn’t home and skim-read it.  It was just porn in written form, that’s it that’s all.  Oh and badly written to boot.  What’s to make a movie of?  No! Of course I’m not jealous!  What’s there to be jealous of?  Mr. Grey?  Gimme a break, he’s fictitious! Who cares if that hunk Charlie Hunman (Jax from Sons of Anarchy), is cast to play  the role of the over-sexed Christian Grey? It’s still dumb! Good thing he changed his mind and wanted nothing to do with this joke.

Ok, let’s pretend for a minute that I am a married middle-aged, sex-starved woman who ate the book up like a cop at a doughnut buffet.  I know it’s make belief but my mind has conjured up this larger-than-life picture of Christian.  He’s as hot as they come and he could fulfil my wildest sexual desire at anytime.  Oh yeah! Bring it on Mr. Grey! You hot hunk of burning love!  Now, how do I react to hearing that my favorite book of all time is coming to a theatre next to me?  Hmm, maybe I would be coming in a theatre next to you…Sorry for that juicy tidbit.

Ugh! ok, you can stop pretending now.  Back to reality here people! There are way better books out there that are way more movie worthy.  So why not them? Why this garbage? Sorry ladies, it. is. garbage.  Plain and simple. Nothing else. And no, for the last time, I AM NOT JEALOUS!!! If you ask me, it’s just a cheap reason for housewives to read and watch porn without the guilt.  And you dare call me a dirty man for reading Hustler and Playboy? (For the records, I don’t).

th-4

I’ll let  you in on a little secret, there are way better erotic movies out there that can get your juices flowing, if you know what I mean. As a matter of fact, just last week, me and the wife rented a movie called…wait a minute! It’s none of your business.