Pimpin Ain’t Easy But Think Of The Money, Man.

th-5I am exactly what you are looking for.  I would do whatever you want, whenever you want and however you want it.  I have a lot of experience but willing to learn.  The last person I was with, I lasted a long long time.  I left because it was no longer working out.  Take me!

Looking for work is like pimping out yourself, isn’t it?  You go to these interviews and try to sell yourself.  I am great! I am good! I would do whatever you have to do to convince employers that you are what their company needs and you are better than the next candidate.  Sometimes you have to twist the truth just a tad to gain that edge.  Ok, maybe sometimes even more than a tad. If so, it’s up to you to live up to that hype if and when you get hired.

Saying this, I guess I’m really good at pimping as I did an awesome job and finally landed a job. I’m back in the employment business! Can I get a whoop whoop!?  Well hear this…

I have never worked for a family business before.  I have always worked for companies that were all over the globe or at least North America.  I wasn’t expecting how different it was.  The good thing was that the pay was an increase from my last job.

On my first day, I was told I had to sign in.  What the eff is that?  I thought.  Then as I stood at the punch clock trying to figure out what the hell to do with the card in my hand bearing my name, the accountant came to my rescue.  “It’s easy.  Just put it in like this then push that.”  It was easy.

Finding a clean washroom was harder.  There were two and they were both cringe worthy.  Dirty sinks, over-flowing garbage, dirty floors.  I was scared to touch anything.  I asked the accountant who was now my best friend, if they needed a cleaning company.  “Oh we are so small that we dont go through that much garbage.  We have someone come in once a week.”  Hmmm…O.K…

At my last work, I was a spoiled coffee brat.  Enjoying different flavours of coffees with a reckless abandon, with flavoured creamers.  No such thing here.  A coffee pot sat on a brewer, filled with cheap Maxwell House coffee.  Close by were containers of powdered coffee mate.  All stuff I never touch.  I was aghast but hid it well.  Ahhhh…Coffee! I said out loud as I spotted the thing in the corner.

To sum it up, I had to squeeze my lunch in a corner of a small bar fridge shared by everyone else and washed my cup in the bathroom sink as there was no actual lunch room, hence no sink.  In fact the coffee maker had to share table space with the fax machine.  Think of the money…think of the money…Oh and in the interview don’t forget the guy said they are like family here. I love family.

The kicker was the breaks, especially the lunch breaks.  There was nowhere to go so everyone stayed at their desks working through their given 15 minutes breaks.  Lunch was no different.  I didn’t want to be interrupted during my sacred time so I took my lunch to my car and ate it there.  I went to the boss and asked if I could just tag my two 15 minute breaks unto my lunch so I could have an hour lunch.  He said it was ok as long as I let them know first.  Say what? Think of the money, man. The money!!

Ok, I’m still there so you are wondering what’s the upside.  Well except for two women, it’s an All-Men work place.  No teenagers with hangovers from partying, no drama queens, no gossipy old lady, no bosses with god complex.  It’s close to home but far from any shopping malls or stores which means less spending on my lunch break.  The work is almost exactly what I did in my last stint and the guys are actually not bad to work with and for.  One fella has been there for 30 years enjoying the perks,or lack of.  So I think I will live and when it gets bad all I have to do is think of the money, man, think money!

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What’s Your Excuse, Big Boy?

feb06a8d-e7ad-495d-8841-d859157ac54f_What-s-Your-ExcuseWomen are mad! No no, I don’t mean you women/chicks/ladies are nuts.  That’s a whole different blog.  I am talking about women being mad over the photo posted on Facebook by a hot mother of three.  She had the nerve to post a hot pic of herself looking sexy as hell, with the caption, ‘What’s your excuse’.  I am not sure what she meant by that but I couldn’t think of one excuse for ogling her photo. Not even having a wife and kids was a good enough excuse.

Ok, I know she wasn’t talking to me.  She probably wasn’t talking to you too but some saw it as an attempt to belittle, pardon the pun, fat people.  I don’t see it that way.  Jeez, Jillian Michaels and all the other slave driver excuses for trainers say the same thing all the time and no one takes exceptions.  Don’t believe me? Watch Biggest Losers.  Heck, they are even calling fat people losers!!! Somebody better organize a protest. Do it now while I go peruse Maria Kang’s Facebook page.

Back to Ms. Hottie. So she’s posing in a nice workout bra complemented by matching micro shorts. Her rock hard abs are to die for as are her arms.  To some, she might be regarded as a MILF. (not to me, I’m married with kids).

If you are one of those who took exceptions to this photo and feel that it was a personal barb at you, don’t be.  As a matter of fact, what’s your excuse?

Modern-Day Cleopatra Carried Up The Great Wall Of China

thAnd in other news, the world’s newest diva, aka Justin Bieber, recently conquered the Great Wall of China courtesy the backs of his bodyguards.  Bieber can now cross another one off his bucket list.  So far, and with some outside interference from his beefcakes, he has benched over 100lbs, had sex with a couple chicks, swam the English Channel, ran a marathon, all with the help of his bodyguards.

Visitors to the Great Wall were at first surprised to see a milky white female on the backs of hunky male slaves/servants.  They thought it was the ghost of Cleopatra and bowed down in reverence/fear/worship.  Then it/he/she spoke.  “Hey ya’ll.  It’s so good to be here in Africa! I am so tired. Climbing up here is soo hard but I’m happy to say I’ve climbed the great Wall Of China!” He was corrected on his geographical error of course.

Ok, let’s get serious here.  At least as serious as I could get with this blog. I am not sure you could pay me enough to carry Justin’s ass up the Wall of China or anywhere else for that matter.  I would look at him as if he was crazy if he had the nerve to ask me to ferry him.  Are you mad boy? Get your ass up the wall yourself. I’m trying to dray my own fat black ass up nevermind carrying you!  Last week you had me running behind you while you attempted to skateboard. I am still embarrassed about that. I also had to take the fall last time you were involved in a hit-and-run too. I draw the line, boss! Read my lips. I.am.not.carrying.you.up.that.wall! Spoilt brat!

And that’s how Justin Bieber aka Cleopatra successfully climbed the Great Wall Of China.