And in other news, a nun, yes a nun gave birth to baby without realizing that she was even pregnant. The nun along with the other nuns at the convent were amazed when she complained of stomach pains which turned out to actually be labor pain.
So tell me something, are nuns allowed to have sex now? If so, why not priests too? Or was she tricked into intercourse without realizing it was actually sex? I mean nuns are kinda gullible, right? So what if some guy went up to her and go, “Hey sister, this polar vortex thing is really getting to me. I am so cold that I need to plug in. Would you mind if I just er…slip my electrical cord into your outlet? It’s nothing, I do it all the time. It keeps my motor warm.” The gullible nun would probably reply, “Well…I don’t see why not. If it’s going to help you then sure. Now where’s my outlet? Ah, ooh, am I supposed to feel like this? Stay still brother, your cord is slipping out.”
Ok, I might need to say a few hail mary’s after that. It wasn’t nice. The poor nun was probably impregnated immaculately. What? That’s a bad joke too? Ok, tack on another Hail Mary to my to-do list. How about maybe the nun was pregnant before joining the convent? Happy now? Maybe I didn’t get the whole story. I just read ‘Unaware nun gives birth’ and I ran with it. The nun said she had no clue she was with child. Of course not, dear sister. Of course you wouldn’t. You probably thought it was just the holy spirit living in you, didn’t you? Another Hail Mary.
Do you buy it? Me? I’ll have nun of it. Oh, and one more thing, I heard that she named the child after Pope Francis. Awww, how cute! Don’t read too much into that, folks.
Though marketed to heterosexual men, lesbian pulp fiction provided an identity to isolated women in the 1950s. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
A Hong Kong Dad is offering 120 mil to anyone who could straighten out his lesbian daughter. I’m all in. Straightening out is my forte. I love money straightening out. So this is my plan of action that I’m drafting up…
Ok, you got me. I really don’t have a plan of action. I have never straighten out a lesbian or gay person ever. Where the heck do I start? All that money, so close but still so far. Some say gay is a part of the brain. If I knew which part then maybe I could take it out. For that much money I could be a brain surgeon. Others say it’s just that they haven’t had sex with the right person. I could try that and give her a night of passion she won’t soon forget. But what if they are wrong?
I am clueless on how I could make a lesbo straight, even for that much money. But maybe if her dad wants to pay me for making him gay…nah, homey don’t play that. At least not for anything less than $120 000 000.
So I guess I won’t be making 120 million dollars any time soon…woe is me!
English: Close-up picture of billiard balls (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Women, did you know that if your boyfriend/husband has big testicles he is likely to be a dog? Well a cheater that is. Yeah, that’s what a recent survey says.
The survey, here, states that men who have large testicles are more prone to cheating. Gimme one sec, brb…talk amongst yourself. Ok, I am not a cheater. I checked. Maybe a tiny bit but that could also be due to something else. Maybe when I got kicked in the groin by my ex when she found out that I…wait a minute! Oh never mind! Damn, the survey was right!
How does big sacs and cheating go together? Glad you asked. Well as you know, the bigger the sack, the more it holds right? Following me so far? Now that means it holds more. More what? Don’t be so slow, more semen! What else? Christmas presents? You think this is Santa’s sack or something? Anyways, more semen apparently mean us big ballers need more avenues to empty our sack. Once in a while with our wives just don’t cut the mustard. No sir. Makes total sense, doesn’t it? You could say yes buddy, your wife’s not watching.
So men, what are you waiting for? sneak a look at them balls before your woman does. You know how they could be when cheating is even remotely mentioned. “Look at the size of your effing balls!! You cheating on me, aren’t you? You effing cheater! I know I couldn’t trust you! You better grab your shit and drag your semen-filled bags out of my house!” It’s not going to be pretty. Not that your ginormous balls are a thing of beauty either.
It sucks, or should I say bite? when you think you have committed the perfect crime only to see the cops show up at your door 7 years later with an arrest warrant. Worst yet, is that they finally managed to track you down because of those damn false teeth you accidentally left behind. Seriously? My false teeth? How?
It happened in Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada. A woman robbed a convenience store at knifepoint, making off with some goodies. I am thinking hard candies as they apparently got stuck to her false teeth resulting in her leaving the teeth behind. Her dumb move and some DNA came back to bit her in the you-know-where and helped the cops to put a bite on crime.
This is no joke! In California, if your baby is overweight they burn him/her. Yes, I happen to find out this disturbing bit of news yesterday while reading some news from a reliable source. You can even check it out for yourselves, I will leave the link below.
Apparently a baby weighing in at a whopping 15 pounds was burn sometime ago in California. For whatever reason, he was burn to death soon after by the doctors. This is Hitler plain and simple! Hate crime against fat. We can’t stand around and allow our fat kids to be burn all because of what? A few pounds?
Say no to Baby burning! And if you are due to deliver soon, have a home birth. You never know if you are going to have a whopper or a quarter pounder.
A teenager flying from Edmonton to party in Mexico, decided to take along his homemade pipe bomb to either trade for drugs or protect himself from the drug cartel that terrorize Mexico. As he walked through airport security, he was fortunate to be in the line of the Canada’s Dumbest Guard.
Skylar Murphy’s bag was searched and revealed that he was carrying the bomb. The guard took it out, looked at it then tried to hand it back to the teen. I REPEAT, HE TRIED TO HAND THE PIPE BOMB BACK TO THE TEEN. Yep, you heard me. The teen who was by now either disgusted that his pipe was touched by another man’s hand or bored of the process or had a change of heart about taking a pipe bomb to Mexico, refused to take the bomb back. “Nah, I’m cool. It’s yours now buddy.”
The guard in an obvious state of excitement did nothing. Well nothing to deter the flight of the intruder. Sorry, got carried away there. I meant he did nothing to hinder the teen who normally should have been pounced upon and beaten into submission by three or four burly Canadians while being pepper sprayed for good measure. Air traffic safety violations are not to be taken lightly, right? Or is that the past? When guys like Obama, oops, I meant Osama, threatened our safety?
Videos later showed what transpired and a meeting was called to save face. When Skylar returned from his trip to Mexico, sans pipe bomb, he was greeted by a welcoming party of officers, swat team and bomb sniffing dogs. Man these people sure know how to make up for their gaffe…Skylar was later charged a fine of $100. Apparently, the minimum fine for something like this is usually in the tens of thousands plus jail time but the it’s Canada and even the justice system is nice. Come on, it’s Canada eh.
This morning, teen heartthrob-turned-juvenile-deliquent Justin Bieber’s house was raided by police. Bieber apparently was a suspect in the egging of his neighbour’s house. Unconfirmed reports said that the police used a battering ram to gain entry into the singer’s house. (Hey! He has his own house?? Isn’t he too young to be left unattended?). A battering ram? For egging? The story said that the cops were in search of evidence that could implicate Justin Bieber, namely eggs.
LMAO!! Eggs? The cops are raiding this kid’s house looking for eggs because he was suspected of egging a house? Can’t you just imagine the cops’ conversation…
Cop #1: Hey! I found it! A carton of eggs sitting right here on the the top shelf on his stainless steel fridge! He is guilty as sin! Should I dust em for prints?
Cop #2: Damning evidence indeed! Good work buddy. Let’s take the kid down and book him! No need to dust.
Talking about dust, while the policemen were in the act of searching for WMDs, they also found cocaine. Knowing that there was no way it could belong to the superstar brat, they pinned it on his poor little bff, aptly called Lil Za. Poor Za, taking the rap for the Biebs.
Justin: I swear officer, that’s not mine. *sniff sniff*
Cop #1: Then it must belong to that punk sitting in the love seat. Book him.
But I’m still laughing and shaking my head at this one…Raiding a house for evidence of an egging…I’ve heard it all now. Good thing Justin didn’t place a burning bag of feces on his neighbour’s steps.