Tired Of Winter

xpressions of my mind

I am tired of the snow and cold.

Sick to my stomach, truth be told.

I don’t mind a little snow

But this crap just needs to go!

Like a hermit locked inside

My comfy house, forced to hide.

I hate to hear a windchill warning

Hey, what happened to global warming?

Some say it’s just a polar vortex

Excuses, excuses, now what’s next?

Maybe I’m just getting old

But I’m really sick of being cold

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Picky Tiger Passes On Chinese Food

South China tiger

South China tiger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Did you know that tigers in China don’t like to eat Chinese food? I know, you’d think it would be their favorite meal but no they really don’t like it.  I am not bs’ing you. Listen.

Some guy in a Chinese zoo, no, he wasn’t in a cage.  He was in the zoo as a visitor. Well not in the zoo but rather at the zoo.  Happy now? So anyways, here’s this guy at the zoo thinking to himself, man I feel like offering up myself as a living sacrifice to that tiger over there.  Do Asians talk like that anyways? Who knows and who cares?  I am not sure what came over him but according to the news I got, he climbed a tree, got into the tiger’s enclosure and started making funny movements in hopes of getting the tiger’s attention and hopefully get gobbled up.

The poor uncooked Chinese-food hopeful was disappointed that the tiger looked at him like he was last weeks food.  After some more tempting and teasing and attempts to make himself more tantalizing, I heard that the animal grabbed him by his neck, shook him maybe  to add some sense into him then released him, untasted.  Bam! How embarrassing for the poor asian fella.  Not even a hungry tiger wants to eat him.  Maybe he was too little? Nah, I still think tigers just don’t like chinese food.

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Position Wanted: Celebrity Accountant

My Accountant

My Accountant (Photo credit: billypalooza)

So I am thinking of becoming an accountant.  I hate math. I hate anything to do with numbers. Then why would I want to be an accountant then?  Well to tell you the truth, it’s not just a plain old accountant. I am talking about working for dumb rich people who have so much money that they can’t keep track of it.

Take Rihanna for example, she recently claimed that due to her accountant’s screw up, she actually went bankrupt.  Then Brian McKnight, you know him right? Yes, the singer.  He too is blaming his accountant.  Apparently the accountant was not paying his taxes.  They are but two of the scores of celebs who said that their accountants misappropriated funds.

I can misappropriate funds with the best of them.  I can miss a few tax payments too. I know, I have done it. Just kidding, I haven’t.  But seriously, if I could do whatever I want with these twits’ money while they are too busy doing whatever rich people do, then why not apply? I mean I can make sure that they always have enough to keep their drug supply going.

Yes sir, that’s the job for me.  It’s literally a gold mine out there just waiting to be exploited. It’s taking advantage of the vulnerable but so what? They take advantage of the vulnerable too, don’t they? Lip syncing, giving us lame songs and we buy it. We go to their concerts. It’s pay back baby!  Say hi to your new accountant…

Now where do I apply?

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Tim McGraw Losing Faith?

English: Tim McGraw and Faith Hill at the 2009...

English: Tim McGraw and Faith Hill at the 2009 American Music Awards (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I usually never blog about Hollywood crap…ok fine, who I am kidding?  The best blogs are those poking fun of celebrities and their wacky ways. Well this one is not so wacky. In fact it’s quite serious. Did you hear that Tim McGraw and Faith Hill are calling it quits?  Yes, the one-time country power couple are divorcing!  That’s serious man.

Reliable sources, no not The Enquirer, claim that Tim has fallen for a young masseuse.  Methinks Faith probably rubbed him the wrong way…Well I for one am shocked.  There was just something about these two.  The way they looked at each other, the songs they sang…they sure had chemistry.  It doesn’t matter that the one time hottie, Faith Hill is a bit older and perhaps not as hot as she was before but still…

Damn 24-year old masseuse! Keep the Faith Tim!

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Monday Madness: Two Man Luge Rubs Me The Wrong Way

thI love the Olympics, both winter and summer.  With athletes performing at the top of their game, looking chiseled and tool, doing what they do best, it’s just awesome!  Then there’s the two-man luge.

I never paid much attention to it until last week’s even at the Sochi Olympics.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever watched it.  For those of you who either don’t enjoy watching the Olympics or just don’t know what a two-man luge is, it’s basically what it says.  Two men in a tiny luge. Yep, they are lying on each other.

I find it rather disturbing, this two-man luge.  (Well duh, if I didn’t I won’t be blogging about it).  If you are not gay before going down that slippery slope, after a few practice rounds you might start to entertain the idea.  Even just a wee bit.

The Mayor of Sochi who before the game proclaimed that “Sochi does not have any gays” must be rolling in his grave. Oh sorry, just been informed that he’s alive and well.  I was probably thinking of Putin. He’s alive and well too? Well never mind.  Let’s just say that those homophobes are doing a slow burn each time a well-lubed luge slide down the grease path with two men in a compromising position.  Hell, even I cringe at the sight.

With an organ that’s liable to react to the slightest friction, there’s no way another of my kind is rubbing his rump on my nether region in the name of sports.  A mixed pair I wouldn’t mind. Or even a four person team with three women and the token male to do the heavy lifting.  I hear those luge are heavy.  I wonder if the Dufour-Lapointe sisters are interested…

You win some you luge some

You win some you luge some

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Hockey? What Hockey Game?

thI wanted to go out and enjoy some time with friends while eating some expensive hotdogs and drinking some over-priced brews.  I stumbled upon such a place and paid the much-too-high admission fee to get in.  Seems like a lot of people had the same idea as I did as the place was teeming with people.  Chicks dressed up like it was hottest chick-gets-free-drinks night, man it looked like the place to be. I was ready…

Then a darn hockey game broke out!  Yes, a hockey game.  It sucked because it took everyone’s attention.  Instead we all had to sit down on some uncomfortable chairs that were too close to each other. Us guys didn’t really mind too much but man were the hot chicks pissed!  They all had their cell phones out and were texting, tweeting, instagramming, facebooking, “WTF is this? I am wearing high heels for goodness sake! I didn’t come here to watch a dumbass hockey game!  I am going to get shit-face!” And so they did. And so did I!

If you’ve been to one of these places then you would know what I’m talking about.  You see these girls and you know right off the bat that they are not there for the game.  In fact, you doubt that they even know what teams are playing.  They are either there to drink themselves silly or to pick up hot guys like me.  Or maybe a mixture of both.

Talking about hockey game, why do players argue when they are penalized? “Ref, I swear it wasn’t me.”  or “What?!  Two minutes for tripping? I didn’t even touch the guy!”  Seriously? It’s not as if the referee is going to rethink their decision. “You didn’t touch him? Oh my bad. Scratch that call please!  Number 87 has notified me that he didn’t touch the player.  Play on!” Save your breath and energy for your next shift.

A big thanks to those hotties that show up at the barsocial, these hockey games.  Sometimes you are all that’s worth looking at.

Yoo hoo! Another beer here please!

Yoo hoo! Another beer here please!

Disclaimer:  This blog is not intended to make slight of the many true and genuine hockey loving women out there.

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Who Said Pimpin Ain’t Easy?

Pimp Jesus

Pimp Jesus (Photo credit: larrykang)

Well pimpin sure isn’t what it used to be.  Remember when they told us that ‘pimpin ain’t easy’ and made us believe that it was ‘cold out there for a pimp’?  Things have since changed or they lied to us.  Pimping is a piece of cake.  Heck, even a kid could do it.

You still don’t believe me? Well meet…nevermind, I can’t write her name as she’s underage. Heck, so are her employees. Yeah, I know.  You are thinking that if she could do the crime then she could face the music.  Tell that to the justice system.  Anyways, she was sentenced to three years for pimping, child porn and other sex-related offences normally associated with adults.  The kids are definitely taking over.  Or pimpin ain’t as hard as it once was.

As of this blog, I unearthed a few other cases of young girls who in true entrepreneurial spirit, have tried their hands at running a pimping business. Just google ‘Teen arrested for prostitution’ and you would see what I am talking about.  Teen pimps everywhere.  Forget teen moms, teen pimps are the next big thing.  Hide your kids, hide your wives, hell, hide your husbands too cause they are pimpin everybody out here!

It’s no longer cold out there for a pimp.  What’s up, Playa?

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