Friday Folly: Hickory, Hickory Dock, A Lizard Ran Up My C**K!

I couldn’t come up with a better Friday Folly than this.  Some guy went to the doctor with a lizard up his urethra.  Don’t ask me how or why, I have no answer for you.  Maybe it mistook his penis for a snake?  Anyways, you gotta read this! Read it here and tell me what you think.

Oh, I made up that topic myself. Neat huh?

 

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Lab-Made Vaginas

Adult Content .. Penn St officials head to cou...

I come bearing good news for you men who always wanted to have sex with a real vagina but without the trimmings.  You know the post-coitus cuddles, the small talk and sometimes the crying.  The good gentlemen over at the science lab or scientist as they like to be called, are now able to make vaginas in a lab!  Smack me in the ass and call me Betty!

I heard that these are just like the real deal, so don’t go asking your potential girlfriend if her vag is real.  It’s not plastic, it’s actually made from the person’s own cells. And by the way, I was only kidding about you perverts being able to purchase your own personal vaginas for in-home use.  So don’t throw out your sex doll just yet.

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There’s Weed In My Pot!

Didn’t get your high today? No ganja? No problem mon.  Canada is looking out for its people.  Due to lack of proper care in the cultivation and production of the marijuana, as seen by inspectors, Canada is doing a recall on a batch of weed.  Apparently the inspector failed to get a buzz during testing.

The government is suggesting that instead of waiting, people on medicinal marijuana should seek alternative pushers and save their receipts.  Anyone failing to get high after a few hits are asked to note their suppliers’/pushers’ name and address and provide to the cops so they could get their batch tested and or exchanged.

 

Related:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/b-c-pot-producer-health-canada-recall-purple-kush-marijuana-1.2617135

Please! Not The Red Hot Chili Peppers!

The Best of Red Hot Chili Peppers

The Best of Red Hot Chili Peppers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you are a Red Hot Chili Peppers fan this one hurts.  Last week, news emerged that the CIA used their music to torture a prisoner at Guantanamo Bay back in 2002.

The song used was ‘Give It Away’ and luckily I have never heard it. I also don’t know any of Red Hot Chili Pepper songs which could be good for my health. So are there songs really that bad that it’s considered torture just to listen to them? “Please! Please! Not the Red Hot Chili Peppers! Give me the Chinese Water Torture instead! Anything but the Chili Peppers!”

As expected, the members of RHCP were upset and angry.  Hard to say if they were mad that their music was thought so bad that it could be a means of torture or that it was used to inflict pain and fear.  Either way, they weren’t happy about it.

Go read it for yourself.

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He Down Wid No Pee Pee?

Pilirani-LazaroHey, did you guys hear about that guy who tried to jump out of a two-story building in trying to commit suicide? Yep. Well let’s break it down here, a fricking two-story buddy??  Come on man, I know you are a rapper and not expected to be smart but come on. You didn’t want to die did you?  The worst that could happen in that short fall was you become a cripple, you lose a limb or get a concussion.  You won’t even hurt your pee pee in such a short fall. Um…not so fast…continue reading.

Andre Johnson, a Wu-Tang-Clan (Old Hip-Hop group) affiliate, tried to kill himself a few days ago by jumping from a two-story building.  The fall did not come close to killing him but the Gods realizing what a dumbass he was decided to get teach him a lesson he won’t soon forget.  To help him realize that things are never as bad as they seem, they inflicted on him one of the most embarrassing injury.  The lost of his manhood.  Everyone knows that rappers like to brag about their sexual prowess, now we would know he is lying when and if he sings about boning hot chicks.

I tried to no avail to find out how his pee pee got severed. How do you jump off a balcony and sever your penis? Yep, the Gods had a hand in it. Now poor Andre, also known by his stage name Christ Bearer, has a cross of his own to bear.   He down wid No Pee Pee? Yeah you know me!  At least he, wait for it…had the balls to jump. I am sorry! Ok I said I am sorry!

On a serious note:  Suicide is never the answer. As in this poor fella’s case, things could always be worse.  Oh, and there are a lot of smart rappers.

 

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Don’t Be A Wuss, Let’s Talk Race!

Aside

Why do people get so scared when the topic of discussion is racial? I am a black man married to a white woman and we have mixed kids.  Of course, they are curious about their culture. Whenever they do or say something that is funny, I post it on Facebook, and quite interestingly, everyone shies away from it.  They like my food pics, my lame stories about nothing, my YouTube videos but me saying my kids said they would rather be black than white, is not likable.

So, let’s knock down some barriers here.  Don’t be a wuss, we are all humans. who gives a crap about color? I don’t.  I make jokes about blacks, whites, red, yellow, whatever. You don’t like it, then you have a problem. Trust me, if we can’t laugh at these things then we are in a whole heap of trouble.

Your uncomfortable silence when I talk about my color is troubling. It bothers me.  It makes me notice that I am indeed black and then I feel different. So come on, lighten up.  Let’s talk race.  Come on, tell me a black joke.  What’s the worst that can happen?  I punch you in the face? Nah…

And that’s funny!

Update:  I wrote this 6 years ago.  If we had listened and lightened up, we would not be having these protests to end injustices against black people. Prophetic?

 

Pakistani Cannibals

Just when you thought this place couldn’t get any weirder they went and did this.  By this I mean ate people.  Wait, stop.  Let me talk like a normal person so you could pick up what I’m putting down.  Two brothers from Pakistan were arrested for digging up corpses and devouring their flesh.  Think of it as Walking Dead, Flesh Eating Human Disease, People Eating People, whatever, I don’t care, just think of it.

Anyways, these two fine young cannibals were arrested before for eating approximately 100 corpses, here. I repeat, THEY ATE 100 CORPSES!!  Yet they were released after a short stint in prison, to continue their devouring ways.  Police were alerted that they were up to their old tricks when families complained that their dead relatives were missing.  Police raided the men’s home and found head of boy.  Apparently the body of girl, missing a leg was also found.  The Pakistani Cannibals were said to have cooked the victims up in curry. Yummy!

Rest assured that this time these men would not be leaving their prison confines anytime soon.  At least they shouldn’t.  Sick world I tell ya…

 

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2604350/Boys-HEAD-home-Pakistani-cannibals-dug-100-corpses-local-graveyard-eaten-them.html

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Welcome To The Pen, Now Your Butt Is Mine.

thEveryone knows that in jail you never ever drop the soap.  Well actually dropping it is not the problem but picking it up is another story.  In fact, don’t bend over period. Not in jail. It’s like waving a bone in front of a starving dog.

A very gullible and innocent prisoner from Manitoba Canada learned this lesson the hard way. No pun there.  While bending over to ‘put some food away’ his cell mate grabbed his butt and apparently made crude sexual remarks to the effect of wanting to put something away too.  In the poor guy’s anal cavity.  The victim, gullible as he was, did not take to kindly to this and filed a complaint. Bro, what happens in prison stays in prison.

In his defense, the perp claimed that the victim was actually having a homosexual affair with another cell mate and wanted him out of there. My oh my.  The things that go on behind those steel bars…But it’s quite ok because I really don’t need to know and perhaps you don’t either.

 

Read it here:

http://www.winnipegsun.com/2014/04/08/jail-cell-butt-grab-earns-conviction

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Obama Not Feeling The Vibes To Free Kartel

ObamaWhen Jamaican deejay and resident bad boy, Vybz Kartel, was found guilty for murder, his fans and family petitioned just about anyone who would listen to let  him go free.  In fact, they even petitioned President Obama! I am serious! They did!  I have a bit of the transcript to prove it.

Fans Representive:  Hey Mr. President, Mon. Yo dun know dat de rude bwoy Vybz him a face life inna prison fu summen him never do?  We want yo fu do someting, mon. Please Missa Prez. Bail im out fu we. Him nah do it!  ah lie dem lie!

Obama:  Excuse me? What are you guys talking about?  I am sorry but I am not feeling the vibes here

Fans Rep.: Sarry mon.  We mean Vybz, Vybz Kartel.  De Dancehall deejay. Ah him rule dancehall.

Obama:  I am sorry but my administration does not and will not negotiate the release of any cartel member. Whether they are deejays or not.

Rep:  No mon, him nah no cartel, him name is Vybz Kartel. He don’t kill no body. Him innocent. Kartel is Gaza!

Obama:  Gaza? He is from the Gaza? Now I’m confused. A cartel from the Gaza strip?  Sorry, but I’m not messing with Israel’s affairs.

Rep: Mister Obama, pardon me mon but yo ah idyat or what? Gaza is a posse.  A gang.  Inna Jamdong, we have the Gaza and Gully gang.  Vybez Kartel, he ah Gaza.

Obama: Hmmm….I am sorry but in order for me to even give your petition serious consideration, you need to have more than the ten signatures you have here.  There’s nothing I could do for whatever that young man name is.  Now please get off the White House lawn.  And for your information, weed is not legal here in Washington.

Rep: (Aside)  Man dis rass clat man useless eh? He nah do nutten to help his own color.  (To Obama) No problem mon.  Nuff respect sah! Big up!

Obama:  Irie.

And that’s how the whole thing went down.  Trust me pon dat!  (Aside) Obama would probably help his own color but considering Vybz does not like his own color and is forever trying to lighten his skin, does he qualify as a ‘brother’?

 

 

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Searchers Find Wing and Piece Of Tail!!

MH 370 - Vanished In Thin Air....If U C Please...

MH 370 – Vanished In Thin Air….If U C Please Report…Thank You…..Join In Our Prayers…..Please….. (Photo credit: Sunciti _ Sundaram’s Images + Messages)

Breaking News! Officials associated with the search for missing Malaysian airline flight MH370, have found a wing and a piece of tail believed to belong to the hapless airline. This breaking bit of news was met with…wait a minute…hold on…I’ll be right back.

Sorry about the above. Word just reaching me has disclaimed the previous claim.  Apparently, the wing thought to have belonged to the plane was actually a piece of uneaten chicken wing.   A tanned and toned blonde suntanning on a floating air mattress was also confused for a piece of tail.  This blogger apologize for the misleading bit of info. Please disregard.

In related news, officials are standing by their initial claim that the plane went down somewhere in the Indian/Atlantic/Pacific ocean.  “All aboard have perished without a doubt”, said an unnamed official. Asked why there wasn’t a shred of evidence to suggest this, his reply was, “Evidence Shmevidence!”  While they dither, other countries have joined the search and are scouring the seas for signs of debris.

The latest development on this case, a sound that was ‘just like’ beacon on a black box have been picked up by an Australian ship. It wasn’t really a ship but ‘just like’ a ship.

In other news, I had something that felt ‘just like’ sex last night with someone ‘just like’ my wife.  Is that ‘just like’ the same?

Note:  The above does not in any way take away from the seriousness of the situation and does not attempt to make light of the grief that the families are going through.  It is however, a humorous take on the way the officials are bumbling their way through the case with their half-baked assumptions.

 

 

 

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