Just Let Me Poop!

Pooping is serious business. Well for me it is. As a married man with 3 young kids, alone time is sacred. And scarce. So yes, it I’d serious.

Unfortunately, what is serious to me is trivial to the rest of the family. My sacred time consists of me preparing myself by choosing a good magazine, no, no porn! I make sure to bring my phone also, in case I finish the magazine. Then it’s system all go!

And that’s when my wife usually shouts to me through the door. Most times I can’t discern what she is babbling about but I am getting irritated. “Jeez woman! I was just outside doing nothing for the last few hours and you ignored me, now you are trying to have a conversation?”

It seems I am never more needed as when I am pooping.

Help my son attend his granny’s funeral

Hi,

My grandmother passed away in St. Vincent at 105 years. When he was 7, I promised my 9 year old that when she passes I would take him with me to the funeral but I am unable financially and he’s unhappy.  I would love to take him and have set up a fund page, below to ask for your assistance…

Greatly appreciated!

https://www.youcaring.com/kenyanwalcott-1036901?utm_campaign=buttonshare&utm_medium=url&utm_source=copy&utm_content=cf_cp_01

Create Jobs, Retire!

I love old people.  I really do. Come on! If I didn’t would I be volunteering at a Old Folks Home? (Nursing Home).  See? Told you! I love old people.

Know what I especially love about old people?  Their stories.  Nothing beats sitting down with an aged one and listening to them share their life experiences.  What they did when they were young and what they did for work.  Know what I especially l hate about old people? When they just don’t know when to quit!

If your excuse is that you didn’t save enough to retire, that’s your problem.  You need to move over so the new graduates could get jobs.  It’s time for the changing of the guard.

Take this for example, a 70 plus year old Trump has just started a new career! Shouldn’t there be an age limit on presidential candidates? Like come on!

 

Transgender Questions

Yesterday I read an eye-popping story of a young man who was born as a she but didn’t feel too comfortable in the ‘she’ skin so he changed to a ‘he’ Well, well, well…This guy got my vote on being the hottest pre-transgender and post-transgender human I’ve ever seen!  So hot that I had a crush on both of them! And they say I’m straight

Anyways, as I read the story and saw how beautiful he was before the sex change, I got to wondering if when he looks back on the photos of him as a her in lingerie, does it excite his fancy? Would it? Should it?  Or would it feel incestuous? I dunno but I would like to know.  Anyone? Bueller?

One of the most common reasons people give for choosing to change sex is that they just didn’t feel they were living as they were supposed to.  They were living a lie so to speak.  So here’s another of my questions, if as a woman, they had the mind of a man, how does that work for masturbation?  Or do they even do it? Ok, I am getting confused and maybe a tad hot and bothered, but if you know the answers to any or all of these questions, drop me a line.  I would be happy to hear from you. And you there young fella, do whatever makes you feel happy.

Please read the story here and see what I’m talking about.

 

New Game: Don’t Touch The Queen

Image result for queen elizabeth fallingSo I have invented a new family game that will help everyone understand what to do when in the presence of the Queen.  Seems like some people still don’t get it.  The game is still in its infancy stages but the premise of it is that players would be faced with different scenarios where they are forced to make decisions to save the queen but not allowed to touch her in any way.  You touch her, you lose.

Here’s one such scenario.  Liz is on the sinking Titanic and all her handlers have perished and poor Liz is frantic and alone.  She’s not used to this so she’s way out of her element and sobbing like an infant.  Liz wants off the ship that’s sinking faster than the popularity of the Monarchy.  Tossing protocol aside, she reaches her arm out to you for help.  Yes, the Queen is reaching out to you, a peon. A commoner! Was that a pig flying overhead?

So, the question is, what do you do? Remember, YOU CAN’T TOUCH THE QUEEN!  While you ponder this, here’s another one.  The 91 year old Liz is ascending some stairs which at her age, could be a daunting if not treacherous task.  You are the closest person to her and you are certain she might trip over the royal rug.  You were right! The old lady stumbles towards you and only you could halt her descent.  What do you do?

I await your answers…

Things I Hate

It’s the story of my life.  I am about to stop at a red light and noticed that the other lane over has no traffic.  No vehicular presence! 

“Right on”! I thought. “I would have nothing but road as soon as the light goes green.” I start to change lanes at about the same time as the turtle ahead of me eho obviously doesn’t need the open road ahead.  What would she do with all that road anyways? I swear under my breath and fall into place behind her.  Foiled again!

Her First Time


She was having second thoughts about this.  It was her first time after all.  She’s seen it done on TV and heard people talk about it and how painful it could be.  Now it was her turn and as she reclined waiting for him to come into the room, she wasn’t sure she could go through with it.  In fact she was sure she didn’t.

He walked in, his instrument held in his hand and pointing upwards.  As he approached her, she could see a tiny bead of liquid on the tip.  She looked away.  “Don’t worry, I will try to be gentle.” He said reassuringly.  “I have done many times.”  She knew he recently did it to her mom and her sisters but it didn’t make her feel any better.

Then he leaned in.  The thing was inches from touching her.  She recoiled. “No, please I don’t think I can do this!”  In a calm voice he said, “Don’t worry, I won’t take long and I promise it would be done before you know it.”  He produced a wipe and dabbed at the area.  She felt a coldness on her skin then before she could say anything else, he plunged it in her!

Before she knew it, he pulled it out, stood up and smiled at her.  “I told you I won’t be long.  It wasn’t that bad now, was it?  There might be a little blood but nothing to worry about.”  He patted her head. “You were a brave girl.  I will see you in a year for your next flu shot.”