Scarecrow Sex Kills Lonely Shepherd

... sex with dolled-up scarecrow strapped with sex toy | KANNADIGA WORLD

Yoo Hoo! Shepherd! Are you lonesome tonight?

You seriously can’t make this stuff up. I wish you can but no you really can’t.  A shepherd was so lonely that he made himself a scarecrow to keep him company.  He got carried away with his invention that he also made the thing his sexual partner.  And that’s where things got complicated.

The shepherd died while having sex with his scarecrow! I am not sure if he was scared to death or he probably used the scarecrow’s stake to impale himself or what but he died! And he did the deed. The good thing is that he dressed her up in wig and lipstick. I can see why he would want to do her…Lipstick and wig? hmm…

Seriously, WTF is wrong with people nowadays?

Friday Folly: Jian Ghomeshi’s Choked Me!

By now you may have heard about the Canadian lover boy, Jian Ghomeshi, if not, go back in your hole until you do.  Jian will sleep with anything and anyone.  Authors, actresses, students, young, old, men, chickens…yes I said chickens. What? You didn’t know?

After the countless women came forward with claims of being choked during sex by Jian, a male accuser also stepped forward but he was only fondled by Ghomeshi.  But his pet chicken is now the latest to step up.  Yes, I did say his pet chicken.

Apparently the chicken is accusing Jian of, yes you guessed it, of choking him!  Jian Ghomeshi choked his chicken too!  After choking just about every chick in the country, how could he even find the time to choke his chicken? That Ghomeshi is something else…

 

 

Friday Folly: Me? Naked? Sorry, Can’t Do

How to Look Good Naked

How to Look Good Naked (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I like a bit of nudity. So what? I’m normal. Who doesn’t? You don’t? Go see a shrink, you prude!  A glimpse here and glimpse there to keeps the heart pumping.  So when I heard of the latest thing in television, naked reality shows, I of course was turned on. Err, I meant excited. Noo, not that either. What I really meant is that I was um, how do you say it, curious. Mildly curious. I am a married man!

I can’t believe they have a show where a naked man tries to date a naked woman. How the heck do you swing that? Not that, I meant that idea. I have this issue with inappropriate erection, read here, so there’s no way I could stand in front of a hot, naked, single chick and not get a rise. Any naked chick for that matter. Would that be inappropriate anyways? How about her? Would she judge her suitors based on their manhood? “Sorry, move along you and your little dinky. You are a nice guy but I can’t work with that.”  What if I can’t stand in front of her without showing how excited, err, interested I was? Would they yell takes until I calm down or send me off set to smarten up…you know what I mean? In case you missed it, I was alluding to the show ‘Dating Naked’.

Now there’s another one called ‘Naked And Afraid’, which is very much like Survivor. A man and a woman is set somewhere in the wilderness naked! Naked! Sorry, can’t do.  If I’m naked in the wilds with a naked female, yeah, I would be afraid of what could and maybe would happen.  Come on! I’m just being realistic here!  How the hell am I supposed to walk behind some hot, naked, married milf while she climbs up a hill? Maybe even on all fours. How?  I am serious here! I am an individual with roaring testosterone, I can’t do it! More takes please! I can see me excusing myself as I run off into the bushes to err…smarten up. Go on girl, I’ll be right there. I just need to peeee…aahhh! Ok where were we? Oh yeah, we were climbing up this hill. Excuse me, I think I need to pee again! Dammit! Cut!!

On a more serious note, like it wasn’t before. I am not sure I am cut out for nude acting. Nope, not me, can’t do.

Wacky Wednesday: You Can’t Date Me Unless You Date My Twin

b4c4e950-aad0-11e3-b95a-790fd49f1cec_0314twinsFellas, have you every fantasized about your girlfriend’s or wife’s hot sister? Or maybe even not-so-hot sister? Even hotter is if said sister was her identical twin. Do you ever wished that you could legally get it on with both without getting your pee pee ripped off? Seems impossible but it’s not. And no, you don’t even need to be a redneck.

Guys, meet identical twins Lucy and Anna  DeCinque of Perth, Australia. These girls take the ‘identical’ seriously.  Even going as far as spending $240,000 to get surgeries so they could look even more alike.  They share a house, a phone, a car, a bed, a Facebook account, a boyfriend.  Hey! did you hear me?  I said they share a boyfriend! Yes, the same guy.

Kinky! Weird! Hot! A man’s fantasy. Now I wonder if there is any funny business going on…you know like 6 legs in the same bed?  Or 3 sets of twins in bed? What is the guy’s response when asked who is his girlfriend? “Well Lucy and Anna are my girlfriends”.  How about marriage? Would they marry the same guy? Man this is just too weird for words…

Related:

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs/daily-buzz/identical-twin-sisters-share-boyfriend-spent-240-000-164855019.html

How I Plan On Making 120 Million Dollars

Though marketed to heterosexual men, lesbian p...

Though marketed to heterosexual men, lesbian pulp fiction provided an identity to isolated women in the 1950s. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A Hong Kong Dad is offering 120 mil to anyone who could straighten out his lesbian daughter. I’m all in.  Straightening out is my forte. I love money straightening out.  So this is my plan of action that I’m drafting up…

Ok, you got me.  I really don’t have a plan of action.  I have never straighten out a lesbian or gay person ever.  Where the heck do I start?  All that money, so close but still so far.  Some say gay is a part of the brain.  If I knew which part then maybe I could take it out. For that much money I could be a brain surgeon.  Others say it’s just that they haven’t had sex with the right person.  I could try that and give her a night of passion she won’t soon forget. But what if they are wrong?

I am clueless on how I could make a lesbo straight, even for that much money.  But maybe if her dad wants to pay me for making him gay…nah, homey don’t play that.  At least not for anything less than $120 000 000.

So I guess I won’t be making 120 million dollars any time soon…woe is me!

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It Takes Balls To Cheat. Really Big Ones

English: Close-up picture of billiard balls

English: Close-up picture of billiard balls (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Women, did you know that if your boyfriend/husband has big testicles he is likely to be a dog?  Well a cheater that is.  Yeah, that’s what a recent survey says.

The survey, here, states that men who have large testicles are more prone to cheating.  Gimme one sec, brb…talk amongst yourself.  Ok, I am not a cheater.  I checked.  Maybe a tiny bit but that could also be due to something else.  Maybe when I got kicked in the groin by my ex when she found out that I…wait a minute! Oh never mind! Damn, the survey was right!

How does big sacs and cheating go together? Glad you asked.  Well as you know, the bigger the sack, the more it holds right?  Following me so far?  Now that means it holds more. More what?  Don’t be so slow, more semen! What else? Christmas presents?  You think this is Santa’s sack or something?  Anyways, more semen apparently mean us big ballers need more avenues to empty our sack.  Once in a while with our wives just don’t cut the mustard. No sir. Makes total sense, doesn’t it?  You could say yes buddy, your wife’s not watching.

So men, what are you waiting for?  sneak a look at them balls before your woman does.  You know how they could be when cheating is even remotely mentioned.  “Look at the size of your effing balls!! You cheating on me, aren’t you?  You effing cheater! I know I couldn’t trust you!  You better grab your shit and drag your semen-filled bags out of my house!” It’s not going to be pretty.  Not that your ginormous balls are a thing of beauty either.

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Ok, Who Farted?

English: Treason!!! John Bull emits an explosi...

English: Treason!!! John Bull emits an explosive bout of flatulence at a poster of George III as an outraged William Pitt the Younger ticks him off. Newton’s etching was probably a comment on Pitt’s threat (realized the following month) to suspend habeas corpus. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I grew up with my aunt who was a no-nonsense kinda woman.  No swearing, not even the word ‘damn’ was allowed within earshot.  Because of that upbringing, I was never comfortable discussing disgusting bodily functions.  Loud belching, farting, spitting and talking about poop were not conversations I engaged in.

My exes could attest to the fact that they never heard me fart out loud.  In fact I only started doing that around my wife maybe a year ago.  We have been together for over 10 years.  She let it rip right off the bat, assuring me that doing so meant that she was comfortable around me. Don’t ask.

Farting is as much a part of our everyday lives as breathing and should be treated as such.  I have come to realize that and have eased up on my tight-assed attitude.  A bit.  In fact, I have become comfortable enough that I can now blog about farting.

So, do you entertain a feeling of pride when your fart smells as though it was created from the deepest smelly pits of hell?  I bet you do, admit it. Come on! It’s me, you can tell me anything. How about the flipside?  Your farted and sniff the air like a hound trying to catch wind of your wind but nothing assails your nostrils.  At least not what you expected. Do you feel letdown? Disappointed? Yeah, I hear you.

Have you ever been safe and alone, maybe in the sanctity of your office, and decided to let one rip with reckless abandon? It smells like King Kong’s ass and you are quite understandably proud of your handiwork.  Or should I say asswork?  Then it happens!  Karen, the nosey chick, no pun, who always sticks her nose where it doesn’t belong, again no pun, decides to peek in your office.  “Hey, are you still working on…hmm…what is that smell?”  Pride is erased from your face and replaced by a poker player’s emotions.  “Yes, I smell it too! Smells like something died behind the walls.”  You know she doesn’t buy it but you had to try.

Guys, how about this.  You are wandering down the aisle of your favorite store and after checking around, you felt safe enough to deflate your bowels. You cut no corners as of course you are alone.  As the sound of an angry elephant echoes off the shelves, you saw her.  How did you not see her?  The unlucky recipient of your windy leftovers wrinkles her nose like Jeannie the genie then stop dead in her tracks as though she just walked face first into an invisible wall of feces.  Although there’s no one within 50 feet, you look around as though saying, “Who the hell farted up the place?”

You see the thing is, although farting is an acceptable and oft discussed function, we still get embarrassed if we are caught dropping stink bombs.  Especially by a lovely damsel.

Pissicle For Sale! Pissicle For Sale!

English: positive pregnancy test Deutsch: Ein ...

 

Did you know that on Craigslist one could actually purchase piss on a stick? Ok, not really pee on a stick per se but a positive pregnancy stick.  You know the stick with the plus sign indicating the pisser is pregnant?  Why would someone want to buy that? Happy you asked.  Well apparently women stuck in dead-end relationships that are stuck in first gear are using it to prod their men into action.  “Honey, I’m pregnant!” is supposed to get them to fall to their knees, diamond ring in hand.

 

In some rare cases, the unwanted response goes something like this, “Pregnant? WTF!! But we never once had sex!  How could you be pregnant?  Is this some joke?” If a woman could be so devious as to come up with this trickery, she would have an easy reply to this confrontation.  “Why do you always have to be such a party pooper?  A damn male Debbie Downer! Is it always about sex with you?  Can’t you just be happy for me? For us?”

 

So the hapless and probably pissed off Romeo now has a decision.  Should I stay or should I go now?  Sing it with me. Should I stay or should I go now?  Sorry, I have been diagnosed with ADHD and can’t concentrate on anything too long. Now where were we?  Oh yeah, piss.

 

But what if the guy decides to do right by his deceitful gal pal and actually pooped, oops, i meant popped the question?  Well don’t look at me, I don’t have all the answers.  I just throw out scenarios.  Seriously though, what if he marries her and starts prepping to be a daddy?  What does she tell him then?  That she lost baby Jeffery?  “Oh yeah?  You lost the baby?  That’s funny, I think I lost the ring too.  I lost my zeal to be with you also.”  Then he’d probably say,  “Baby bye bye bye…” I hope you sang that one too.  At least she could always resell in on Craigslist.

 

 

 

 

 

She’s Young And I Am Older, I Am Mature But She’s Maturer

imagesIt was not supposed to be this way. She was too young. Well maybe I was too old but then that would sound self-defeating. We worked together on the night shifts and in the same department and I being Mr. Popular or was that Mr. Flirt? It was inevitable that we would cross paths. And so we did.

Yes, it wasn’t supposed to be this way and that was why we went out with co-workers for late night/early mornings eats or hangouts. These soon turned to unthreatening outings for two. Because of the age difference, I made clear my gentlemanly intentions. She agreed. You aren’t suppose to agree! What are you saying? I am not good enough for you? You calling me old?

She was very mature, and I am not just saying that to give myself an excuse. She was! I wasn’t and still isn’t, the most mature guy you would ever meet so that narrowed the gap and maybe put us to within a 10 year difference. In reality we were 19 years apart!  As a matter of fact, we still are.

As things heated up, I started googling May-December relationships. Could they work? But we are from different eras. She grew up listening to New Kids On The Block while I grew up with, ah, never mind. It didn’t matter that MC Hammer was making a comeback. What would we talk about? What could we possibly talk about?

We talked about music. She knew more about classic rock than I did and introduced me to Bon Jovi and others. She made me rediscover country and gave me Garth brooks and George Strait. Not exactly teen heart throbs. My younger and single male coworkers were sick with jealousy. Why me? They asked. “He always gets the new girls”. Yeah, I was known as a player. “It would never work”, they added. Strangely no one poked fun at our age gap. I was encouraged.

Encouraged, I decided to at least date for a while hoping she would wake up and realize she could do better. Well not better as in finding a better guy, just one closer in age. Unfortunately for her and fortunately for me, (It is still debatable who is the fortunate one) she never woke up. No no she didn’t die. Just never woke up to the realization .

Ten years and three of the cutest kids in the world later, coupled with an 8-year-old marriage certificate, we are still going strong. She still haven’t caught up age wise but mentally we are now about on level ground.

Ok, I forgot, it wasn’t all a cake walk, her aunt did take me out for a coffee talk and told me to ‘stay away from her, you old perv! You want her money?’ Not in those words. Then I smilingly told her I am the innocent one here. Your niece is the mature one, go give her crap, not me. Her uncle refused to meet the old sicko who was obviously playing his niece.  Good for me he did, he is a big scary looking dude. Happy to report that they all showed up at the wedding and had the time of their lives. Both aunt and uncle later succumb to my irresistible charm and now think I am Mr. Wonderful .

YOLO.