Free The Nipple! Yes You Can!

This is a photograph of one's nipple.

This is a photograph of one’s nipple. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The last time I said free anything was when I chanted ‘Free Mandela’ with the rest of the world.  Now there is another freedom chant.  It’s ‘Free the nipple’ and it is a movement for the liberation of women. Or at least their nipple.  Women need freedom, one nipple at a time.  No more incarcerated nips!

Now I totally understand how these women feel.  Walking around with their nipples in a cup! A darn cup!  A prisoner in its own body. Shame! I too would like to see more free nipples for free.  I get to see my wife’s and the occasional stripper’s but that’s it.  Now how awesome would it be to walk down the street with your eyes bombarded by an assortment of nipples? Black, Indian, Asian, White, a virtual nipple buffet! Yes women, free those puppies!  By the way, I hope you are already working on your next chant, “Free The Clitoris!”

Is it me or is it getting a bit nipply out there?

Hey! Wait a minute! Would this mean no more nip slips????

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Friday Folly: Me? Naked? Sorry, Can’t Do

How to Look Good Naked

How to Look Good Naked (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I like a bit of nudity. So what? I’m normal. Who doesn’t? You don’t? Go see a shrink, you prude!  A glimpse here and glimpse there to keeps the heart pumping.  So when I heard of the latest thing in television, naked reality shows, I of course was turned on. Err, I meant excited. Noo, not that either. What I really meant is that I was um, how do you say it, curious. Mildly curious. I am a married man!

I can’t believe they have a show where a naked man tries to date a naked woman. How the heck do you swing that? Not that, I meant that idea. I have this issue with inappropriate erection, read here, so there’s no way I could stand in front of a hot, naked, single chick and not get a rise. Any naked chick for that matter. Would that be inappropriate anyways? How about her? Would she judge her suitors based on their manhood? “Sorry, move along you and your little dinky. You are a nice guy but I can’t work with that.”  What if I can’t stand in front of her without showing how excited, err, interested I was? Would they yell takes until I calm down or send me off set to smarten up…you know what I mean? In case you missed it, I was alluding to the show ‘Dating Naked’.

Now there’s another one called ‘Naked And Afraid’, which is very much like Survivor. A man and a woman is set somewhere in the wilderness naked! Naked! Sorry, can’t do.  If I’m naked in the wilds with a naked female, yeah, I would be afraid of what could and maybe would happen.  Come on! I’m just being realistic here!  How the hell am I supposed to walk behind some hot, naked, married milf while she climbs up a hill? Maybe even on all fours. How?  I am serious here! I am an individual with roaring testosterone, I can’t do it! More takes please! I can see me excusing myself as I run off into the bushes to err…smarten up. Go on girl, I’ll be right there. I just need to peeee…aahhh! Ok where were we? Oh yeah, we were climbing up this hill. Excuse me, I think I need to pee again! Dammit! Cut!!

On a more serious note, like it wasn’t before. I am not sure I am cut out for nude acting. Nope, not me, can’t do.

Not Tonight Dear, I’ve Been Busting Hookers All Day.

Don't wait up, Hon.  It's gonna be a long night

Don’t wait up, Hon. It’s gonna be a long night

In Hawaii, it’s not only legal for the local constabulary to have sex with prostitutes but also a part of the arresting process.  Like dipping your dipstick to determine whether or not your oil needs changing.  Before they could make an arrest that can stand, they have to make doubly sure that the lady-of-the-night is indeed a…night walker?

Apparently there’s a waiting list of civilians of all ages wanting to get on the force.  There’s also a long list of policemen who are begging to be put on the hooker-busting beat.  Pick me! Pick me! One veteran was once overheard bragging to his buddies that he busted 10 hookers in one night!

As I blogged, this bit of luxury was being threatened as lawmakers seek to ban the practice of cops dipping their night sticks into hookers’ tank.  “You don’t have to taste an apple to make sure it’s an apple” They argued.  Well they probably didn’t but I’m saying they did.

The spoiled Hawaiian policemen are fighting back for their right to bear arms. Oops, sorry. Not their rights to bear arms, their rights to bust hookers by bedding them.  “Why not?” They argued. “How else could we be sure they would go all the way?” Cops insisted that they must be free not just to receive blowjobs and handjobs from prostitutes but also to engage in vaginal and anal intercourse with them.

I investigated…Ok, maybe I didn’t really investigate but I inquired.  Ok, didn’t do that either.  Well bug off and leave me alone already, I am trying to make a point here! I concluded, there, that’s a better choice of word. I concluded that there are no lineups for male cops wanting to test the gay male hookers for authenticity.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ok, enough wasting time, where do I sign up to bust hookers? Never mind, I can make citizens arrest, can’t I?

Me practicing my arresting procedure:  Uh, um, how much is it for your services, ma’am? Er, woman..Lady?

Hooker: $100 for the works?

Me: I’ll take it…yeah, the works.  Oh yeah baby! Oh baby! This feels sooo good! Oh gosh am I supposed to be enjoying this? Shit! I think I’m gonna…Yessss!  Sorry ma’am. You are under arrest.  Just let me clean up a bit here and you should also put some clothes on.  Oh by the way, you are good at what you do.

Shame on you, you dirty hooker! Take this!

Shame on you, you dirty hooker! Take this!

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Monday Madness: Keep Your Head To Yourselfie.

The dreaded school head lice letter

The dreaded school head lice letter (Photo credit: ChezMummy)

 

Do you or someone you know take selfies?  Do you or someone you know have head lice?  How about this, are you a regular selfie taker who happen to also have head lice?  Maybe it’s not such a coincidence as you may thing.  It turns out that the two are connected.  How? Don’t ask silly questions. It’s plain as day. Let’s put our heads together on this one.  Oh actually, let’s not.

 

I read somewhere, probably here, that head lice is prevalent among selfie-taking taking teen girls.  This is due to girls putting their heads together when taking a photo of themselves.  No idea on how the other person got the lice in the first place but with my dirty mind, I’m thinking that perhaps their partner had pubic lice and…nevermind. Too much information.

 

Closer guys.

Closer guys.

 

So next time you decide to take a selfie with your bffs, make sure you know where your head is at all time and keep it to yourself.

 

 

 

 

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Who Said Pimpin Ain’t Easy?

Pimp Jesus

Pimp Jesus (Photo credit: larrykang)

Well pimpin sure isn’t what it used to be.  Remember when they told us that ‘pimpin ain’t easy’ and made us believe that it was ‘cold out there for a pimp’?  Things have since changed or they lied to us.  Pimping is a piece of cake.  Heck, even a kid could do it.

You still don’t believe me? Well meet…nevermind, I can’t write her name as she’s underage. Heck, so are her employees. Yeah, I know.  You are thinking that if she could do the crime then she could face the music.  Tell that to the justice system.  Anyways, she was sentenced to three years for pimping, child porn and other sex-related offences normally associated with adults.  The kids are definitely taking over.  Or pimpin ain’t as hard as it once was.

As of this blog, I unearthed a few other cases of young girls who in true entrepreneurial spirit, have tried their hands at running a pimping business. Just google ‘Teen arrested for prostitution’ and you would see what I am talking about.  Teen pimps everywhere.  Forget teen moms, teen pimps are the next big thing.  Hide your kids, hide your wives, hell, hide your husbands too cause they are pimpin everybody out here!

It’s no longer cold out there for a pimp.  What’s up, Playa?

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My Most Embarrassing, Agonizing and Violating Experience. Ever

Warning:  Blog contains graphic detail of catheter inserted in penis and the odd sexual innuendo.

Today I had the worst experience of my life in terms of pain and discomfort.  I made the mistake of complaining to my doctor about some issues I was having about two months ago with my bladder.  After sending me to see a urologist, I was booked for a Urodynamic Assessment.  Don’t know what that is? You will by the time you are through reading this blog.

I had an idea what I was in for as I read up a bit on it.  I knew something was going to be inserted into my urethra.  I also knew it would cause some pain, but nothing prepared me for what was in store.  Nothing could.

When I checked in, I was sent to a change room to don a robe and gown, much to my dismay.  I always feel a little less of a man when wearing that dreaded gown.  Plus, I had nothing on underneath!  I was sent to sit with a bunch of old timers dressed like I was.  They were all hooked up to IV’s and I suspected were there to have various ‘old timers’ procedures.  There were two women among them and the thought that they too were naked underneath the flimsy cloth made me feel just a bit uncomfortable.

Remember I blogged a while back that I have this fear of having erections at the wrong places, like massage tables etc.?  Here.  Well as I sat crossed-leg, I thought, “What if I get a hard-on and then they come to get me?”  The thought terrified me so much that I was determined not to let that happen.  I started to think of nonsexual things. Like the old timers sitting with me.

I was supposed to report for my procedure with a full bladder and by the time the nurse came to get me, I could barely stand.  I wanted to go! Bad!  She called my name and asked how I was doing and I replied, “I really really want to pee!”

In the room, I sat in visible distress as she went over what was to take place.  She placed a long plastic object on the table and informed me that it was to be used as the probing object.  It would be inserted into the tiny hole in my pee pee and all the way into my bladder.  The thought alone made me ill.

As if it wasn’t bad enough, this young female nurse was the one who was going to administer my torture!  She sent me to lie on the bed while she prepared the tools of her trade.  Lying there, we talked about our lives, The Voice, family, etc.  I was getting rather comfortable with her.  So comfortable that again I thought, “What if I get a hard-on right here?  How embarrassing would that be?”  So I bit my fingers to distract myself.  Then thought of what lay ahead.

Then she was hovering over me, lifting up my robe and gown exposing my privates.  Thanks darling, I needed that. Then she showed me a small pack of antiseptic wipes.  Or was it gel? Not sure.  “I am going to wipe you with this, ok?”  I nodded.  I had no choice as I was at her mercy.

She took hold of my member and gently wiped it.  Then again.  As she wiped the underside where the nerves were, I instantly felt myself reacting to it.  (Come on! I am human! Don’t go judging me!) Oh gosh no! Seriously?  Kill me now!  Please nurse, stop wiping and get on with it!  This was bad.  Down boy! Down! This is the absolutely worst time!

The nurse must have felt the sudden change too because all of a sudden the wipe was out of her hand and replaced by the catheter, like a magician.  And just like a magician, it was suddenly being pushed into my urethra! OH. MY. GOD!

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I knew it was going to be bad but had no clue what bad was.  It felt like a scaly garter snake slithering up my penis!  While she urged me to breathe in and exhale through my mouth, I thrashed and writhed and clenched my fists.  Then I groaned then half screamed. I was in agony.  Distress. Traumatized. Violated.  And I was dying.  I wanted to stop her.  Call it off.  Anything to make her/it go away. I also wanted to kill her and her entire family.  Whatever it took to make this stop.  I hated her!

After what seemed like an eternity in hell, it was all in.  I whimpered inside like a wounded animal.  The violation was not over.  She then inserted another object into my anus as part of the test.  So I was DP’d.  Wow!  Could you say EMBARRASSED?

When it was all done, I told her that it was officially the worst experience of my life.  I have an excellent pain threshold but this was not pain.  This was something else.

Against my better judgement, I went back to work and shared my story.  Well it made me the butt of jokes for the day.  Oh and no pun intended.

 

 

 

 

What’s Your Excuse, Big Boy?

feb06a8d-e7ad-495d-8841-d859157ac54f_What-s-Your-ExcuseWomen are mad! No no, I don’t mean you women/chicks/ladies are nuts.  That’s a whole different blog.  I am talking about women being mad over the photo posted on Facebook by a hot mother of three.  She had the nerve to post a hot pic of herself looking sexy as hell, with the caption, ‘What’s your excuse’.  I am not sure what she meant by that but I couldn’t think of one excuse for ogling her photo. Not even having a wife and kids was a good enough excuse.

Ok, I know she wasn’t talking to me.  She probably wasn’t talking to you too but some saw it as an attempt to belittle, pardon the pun, fat people.  I don’t see it that way.  Jeez, Jillian Michaels and all the other slave driver excuses for trainers say the same thing all the time and no one takes exceptions.  Don’t believe me? Watch Biggest Losers.  Heck, they are even calling fat people losers!!! Somebody better organize a protest. Do it now while I go peruse Maria Kang’s Facebook page.

Back to Ms. Hottie. So she’s posing in a nice workout bra complemented by matching micro shorts. Her rock hard abs are to die for as are her arms.  To some, she might be regarded as a MILF. (not to me, I’m married with kids).

If you are one of those who took exceptions to this photo and feel that it was a personal barb at you, don’t be.  As a matter of fact, what’s your excuse?