Friday Folly: I Am One Smart Brother

So by now you would have heard that power couple Beyonce and her husband Jay-Z are on the outs. You may have also heard that her sister bitch slapped him a month or so ago in an elevator while Beyonce looked on.  Apparently Solange wasn’t happy with the way her sister was being cheated treated. What? Jay-Z was creeping on the lovely and talented Beyonce? How could he? Well before you get asking that, ask instead, “How couldn’t he?”

Rumor has it that Beyonce is upset that her husband was all up in Rihanna’s grill. Know what I’m saying? And everyone went, “Oh no! Not Riri!” And I go, “Yawn”.  You see I am one smart brother. I knew all this stuff while it was still only a thought process. “How?” you asked, easy. Jay-Z is a rapper. Rappers cheat. Ok, maybe that’s like saying all black guys have big penises, which they do so that point is moot. Yeah, they all cheat, it’s the GAME, they have to play it or be pussies. It’s the life they live.

When Rihanna came on the scene, she was first signed to Jay-Z’s record label and right away I knew he was tapping it.  How could he not? She was exactly the prime cut he was waiting for. Fresh and young Caribbean meat! Come on Bey! you knew that too. I know I’m smart but you are no dummy yourself…um, never mind that last bit.

So there you have it. Today you learned that all most rappers are cheaters. You learned ‘Up in her grill’, you also learned that I’m one smart brother, something you should have known after reading my first blog.

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The F In Friday Follies: The Seat’s Not Taken And We’d Rather It Stay That Way

We wanted this...

We wanted this…

Last Wednesday, the wife and I decided to take in a movie as part of our anniversary celebrations.  We went to see Pacific Rim in 3D as the reviews were glowing and a couple of our friends raved about it.

We were mildly surprised to find an almost empty theatre when we walked in.  We thought it would be packed considering how well it was doing but it was great to be able to choose where we wanted to sit.  We sat a couple of rows up and not too far from the aisle. The row below us and behind us were uninhabited.  Bonus!

While the previews were rolling, a young couple walked down the aisle in front of us looking for a seat.  Come on guys! Go farther away!  I would like to put my feet up on the back of this chair once the movie starts so please wander off in search of better pasture. He apparently didn’t hear my thoughts sent his way or chose to ignore me.  They sat down right in front of us! The nerve…

Uh huh! They are getting up! There is a God and he’s right here in this place! Thank you father for hearing my prayers.  The couple decided immediately upon sitting down, that being in front of us was not the best place for them.  They stood up, surveyed the expanse of the room then the geeky boyfriend pointed to some seats in our row.  Seriously buddy? My row? It’s our fricking anniversary here! Can’t we get some semblance of privacy just for a couple of hours?  Again, they ignored my mental pleas.

They decided it would be faster to just jump over the chairs and so they did.  Only one seat separated us from these squatters.   But they weren’t done.  They still weren’t happy. Not close enough, apparently.

We heard geeky boyfriend say to his girlfriend, “Move down.” My wife and I looked at each other.  Are you trying to get her to sit in our laps? Are you going for a swinging thing here son?  I’m all in but here’s not the place.  See us in the parking lot after but in the meantime, beat it and leave us alone!  His girlfriend ignored his request so he leapfrogged her and now he’s sitting hip to hip with my wife. Perfect!

If you had walked into that mostly empty theatre, you would have concluded that we came together.  (No, not that kind of ‘came’.  Stop thinking dirty!).  We looked like two couples that came out on a double date except they were geeky but cool couples sometimes have geeky couple friends, right?  Do you?

I am not sure what made these folks cuddle up to us like that.  We weren’t exactly sitting in prime seats or anything but here they were, crowding our personal space like an unwanted kid.  My wife later said she should have farted.

Young fella, if you and your little missus are reading this, what’s up with that, bro?

but got this

but got this

 

Excuse Me Hon, Can I Lick You There?

Hmmm...I love you so so much!

Hmmm…I love you so so much!

Man this world is getting weirder and freaker by the day.  Open up your browser and you don’t have to look far to read about some zany craze that is sweeping the globe.  Planking, Owling, Cinnamon Challenge, Gangnam, Eyeball licking…Yes, eyeball licking is the next big thing among teens.  It originated in Japan but is quickly spreading to other countries.  As if kissing or having sex wasn’t good enough to let your partner know that you loved them, you now have to lick their eyeballs to really send the message.  Because nothing says ‘I love you’ like a good licking of the eyes.  Man, we have really come a long way…

Now, if you are like me you are probably wondering, “Who came up with this crap?”  Some kid sitting there watching tv with his girlfriend just thought to himself, “Hmmm, I wonder what my gf would say if I licked her eyeballs?  Hey babes, want me to lick your eyeballs? I would be gentle if it’s your first time.”  She would have to reply in the affirmative for this dumb craze to take off.  So her response would be something like, “Well to be honest, I have been licked by Jeff from the basketball team and Tony, the quarterback.  My friend Melissa licked me once too.  So sure, like my eyeballs, babes.”  And the rest is history.

Kids sitting around the corners in the hallway like squeegee kids ready to lick some teenaged eyeballs?  Seriously folks, life as we know it is fast disappearing.  We are doomed. Smarts are scarce.  Get beamed up if you can! But hurry!

And as if parents didn’t have enough to worry about, now instead of telling our  daughters to keep their legs closed, we have to tell them to keep their damn eyes closed now too?  Who wants to see their kid being someone’s eye candy?

Note:  Eyeball licking has been known to spread diseases including herpes and conjunctivitis.

OMG!! She really loves me!

OMG!! She really loves me!

If You Love Something Let It Go…

thIf you love something or someone, set it free and if it comes back to you it’s yours and if it doesn’t, then it was never yours. 

Biggest pile of doo doo I have ever heard. The worst part is that I actually believed in it at one time.  Yes, me who dissect and investigate everything and never take anything at face value.  I fell for that lame old saying.

I loved a lot in my day. like love a lot.  Doesn’t make sense? I meant like in the sense of I was like this and I was like that. So I like loved a lot.  Got that now? And don’t tell me my love wasn’t real and how it was lust etc.  Some of these girls, I never even slept with.  But believing that silly ‘If you love something’ crap, I set them free.  They never came back.  Well some did but I’ll get to that in a bit.

When I set the girls free, I said, “I love you so much honey that I have to set you free.  I know we have something good going here but maybe you just aint mine.  So if you come back, you were indeed mine. So go honey go! Fly! Explore!”  And that was it.  They did call me some colorful names that I can’t write here. Family blog and all.  But they weren’t impressed with the way I ‘set them free’.

I also owned a few pets that I had to set free rather reluctantly and sadly.  I took a cat to the outskirts of town and ‘set it free’.  It guess it wasn’t mine as it never came back.  My dog Frudo, I took him across state lines and never saw him again either.  I thought he loved me but he obviously didn’t or he would have come back.  I even lost a kid too.  Sent her to live with her mommy and never looked back, expecting her to return.  I guess she wasn’t mine as I never saw her or heard from her again.  It was good finding out a few kids that I thought were mine were not.  Man, I was letting shit go like I had the runs. Family, friends, all got released and most never came back.

Then I got married and then for some strange reason, the girls I released into the wild came calling.   Aww…so they did love me.  Unfortunately for them, they took too long and fortunately for my wife, I am low on patience.  Some took a couple of years, some took ten years or more.  One took about twenty years but give her credit, she did come back. I can’t believe so many of them were actually mine!

So believe me, the saying is untrue. If you love something, please don’t let it go.  Hold on with both hands for dear life.  Squeeze the life out of the thing.  Unless you are stealing boomerangs, it might never come back if you let it go.

What did I do with the chicks that came back?  Oh you want to know eh?  Well I slept with the unslept-with ones and added the others on Facebook. I AM JUST KIDDING!!! About them being on Facebook. Wait, I turned that around.  I meant I am kidding about sleeping with them but they are on Facebook.

Who came up with that silly saying anyways?

I wish I loved Valentine’s day

TodayIFoundOut_AntiValentinesDay1I am self-confessed anti-Valentine.  Don’t accuse me of being unromantic or a Scrooge as I’m neither of those.  I can buy roses and chocolates with the best of them and I can wine and dine my woman like no other.  I don’t believe that I should be letting someone dictate what day I should be doing those things.  I am the one in love, I should know when to show love and appreciation to my better half.

Valentine’s day to me is what I call a make-up day.  It’s a day where dead beat spouses, men in most cases, get to pretend they are the best spouses ever and trick their other halves into believing it.  Chocolate and jewelry make everything better.  Or seems better.  Or better to swallow.

Seriously though, I have tried my best to buy into this commercial holiday.  I try ignoring the reason behind the day. (Sales of course!)  I chalked it up to my being a conspiracy theorist.  I tried but can’t get over the hump.  I still don’t buy in.  My wife has tried to get me to subscribe also.  She does all the little things that make Valentine’s day special for loved ones and I appreciate them very much. It would have meant even more to me was it done spontaneously, like on an ordinary day.

Whenever I do or attempt to do something sweet for Valentine, I feel like a fraud.  It somehow feels fake.  It’s like saying, I am doing this because it’s Valentine’s and I’m supposed to do it. I love spontaneous but there’s none in that, is there?

Before I say too much and piss off you folks who live and die for Cupid’s day, I will take my leave.  Have a happy Valentine’s day from me, with love!

I promise, I won’t say Bah! Humbug! to Valentine’s and for my wife’s sake, I sincerely do wish that I can find a little love in my heart for this day.