One Sick Guy

Is it just me or are you like this too? What I’m talking about here is do you have a sick mind? I am not a bad guy, honestly I’m not! I am happily married with kids etc etc.  But I have a sick mind. A gutter mind. A warped mind.

Here’s how it works.  In church, the pastor would say, “Jesus is coming again!” Guess what goes through my mind then? Yes! I think sexual! I feel like crap for not only thinking something so blasphemous but in church to boot?  Nooo! There are also songs that beg Jesus to ‘come inside me’. How could I not go to town with that? Hello! Sick guy here!

Nothing is too sacred and nothing is safe from the machinations of my sexually warped mind. I am not bragging, it’s a curse! I might need to speak to someone. A shrink maybe? Did you talk to someone? Are you like this? Am I normal? Come on, talk to me!

Did I mention that I am also a Christian? Well duh! Why else would I be in church? To steal communion or partake of the bread and wine?  Maybe I need a good confession.  But isn’t that what I’m doing right now? And what would I say? “Of forgive me father for I have sinned.  I er…uhm…apply sexual connotations to normal conversations and pervade even the most innocent of conversations.” Hmm…that kinda has a nice ring to it, don’t you agree?

Back to my issue, I am one sick mofo!  Be careful what you say to me and please don’t tell me please come again.

Do You See Jesus, Son?

Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...

Stained glass at St John the Baptist’s Anglican Church http://www.stjohnsashfield.org.au, Ashfield, New South Wales. Illustrates Jesus’ description of himself “I am the Good Shepherd” (from the Gospel of John, chapter 10, verse 11). This version of the image shows the detail of his face. The memorial window is also captioned: “To the Glory of God and in Loving Memory of William Wright. Died 6th November, 1932. Aged 70 Yrs.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Before you atheist and God haters get excited to welcome another in your fold, let me set the records straight and tell you that I am a Christian.  A proud Christian with an open mind.  So there.  Now leave me alone so I could get into my blog.

Now, since cameras weren’t around when Jesus walked the earth and sketch artists were never mentioned, it begs me to ask the question, ‘What did Jesus look like?”  I see paintings of a man who looked just like any other man from Jerusalem.  He looked like Peter and also Paul.  Heck, without the beard he could also pass for Mary.

When people claim to see Jesus, are they sure it wasn’t the Angel Gabriel, Moses, or some other ancient holy man?  Maybe he…he…looka like a…man?

 

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Friday Folly: The Gullible Nun

Pregnant Nun

Pregnant Nun (Photo credit: Templarion)

And in other news, a nun, yes a nun gave birth to baby without realizing that she was even pregnant.  The nun along with the other nuns at the convent were amazed when she complained of stomach pains which turned out to actually be labor pain.

So tell me something, are nuns allowed to have sex now?  If so, why not priests too?  Or was she tricked into intercourse without realizing it was actually sex? I mean nuns are kinda gullible, right?  So what if some guy went up to her and go, “Hey sister, this polar vortex thing is really getting to me.  I am so cold that I need to plug in.  Would you mind if I just er…slip my electrical cord into your outlet?  It’s nothing, I do it all the time.  It keeps my motor warm.”  The gullible nun would probably reply, “Well…I  don’t see  why not.  If it’s going to help you then sure.  Now where’s my outlet? Ah, ooh, am I supposed to feel like this? Stay still brother, your cord is slipping out.”

Ok, I might need to say a few hail mary’s after that.  It wasn’t nice.  The poor nun was probably impregnated immaculately.  What? That’s a bad joke too? Ok, tack on another Hail Mary to my to-do list.  How about maybe the nun was pregnant before joining the convent? Happy now? Maybe I didn’t get the whole story.  I just read ‘Unaware nun gives birth’ and I ran with it. The nun said she had no clue she was with child. Of course not, dear sister. Of course you wouldn’t.  You probably thought it was just the holy spirit living in you, didn’t you?  Another Hail Mary.

Do you buy it? Me? I’ll have nun of it. Oh, and one more thing, I heard that she named the child after Pope Francis.  Awww, how cute! Don’t read too much into that, folks.

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Friday Folly: Don’t Let My Pastor Know

Today’s edition of Friday Folly is a deviation from me having fun at the expense of those with reduced brain cells.  Today, it’s all about me.  I need to make a confession of sort.

The thing is, as a God-fearing Christian, I am worried that one day my pastor would accidentally find my blog (the way he accidentally found that gay porn site) and read it, thus finding out that I am not who I said I am but more than what I said I am.  I don’t want that! Heaven’s no!  He mustn’t know that as he preaches in church, I stare at him while I distractedly wonder what I should blog about in my next post.  Sorry Pastor.

Could you imagine him reading my blog about my boner on the massage table?  My love for yoga pants? Or even my confessions about banging my friends?  There are more, lots more. He just cannot read them!

I really hope that the God I serve has a sense of humor about all this.  God you know that I’m happily married and won’t tap an ass unless I put a ring on it.  I think I am a good guy.  Today, I even held the door open for a lady who was walking behind me.  Her being a hot blonde had nothing to do with it.  Checking out her ass as she walked ahead of me was pure accidental and instinctive. It meant squat.  No no, I don’t mean she got her hot ass from doing squats, I meant me checking out her bum meant nothing.  So you see, I am a nice guy.

Some of you follow my blog and like what I write about. If you want to see this continue, then please don’t let my pastor know!

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Jesus Look-Alike Given The Boot. Lmao!

Jesus H. Christ

Jesus H. Christ (Photo credit: angelofsweetbitter2009)

A man looking very much like Jesus, showed up at a darts tournament to take in the game and maybe down a few cold ones.  He wasn’t bothering anyone but apparently, looking like the Holy One is bothersome enough to some as a few spectators and even players took exception to Jesus’ body double being in attendance.

Here’s how I imagined it going down.  You can always read the real story by following the links below as I tend to exaggerate a bit sometimes.

“What the heck is Jesus doing here?  I am not playing if he’s there.  I can’t play with him staring at me like that.  He spooks me.  Either he leaves or I leave.”

“Man, are you sure that’s what Jesus looked like?  Just cuz he’s got a beard and shit doesn’t mean jack.  I am here to play darts not play ‘name that celebrity’.  You in or out?”

The crowd started chanting, ‘Stand up if you love Jesus’ to the disapproval of the other athletes.

“How can we play like this?  He’s a distraction.  Plus he looks as me as if he is accusing me of something.”

The owner was called.  He walked up to the look-alike.  “Jes…I meant sir, you will have to leave.  The other players are distracted by your looks.  Your beard rubs them the wrong way.  I say get out of here before we have a hanging.”

“Crucify him! Crucify him!”  Yelled the crowd.  The look-alike, hearing this said, “He who is without gin, cast the first dart.”  No one moved.  “Bulleye!’  He said calmly, “You guys are drunk.  I am not who you say I am.  I am not even an only son as I have 3 brothers.  I am leaving but unlike the who-you-say-I-look-like, I won’t forgive you for denying me the chance to enjoy a good game of darts. Hope you rot in hell!”  With that he was gone.

God, if this blog is blasphemous to you in any way, please forgive me.  I trust that you are a God with a keen sense of humor and would find the funny in it. Thank you again for sending your son to die for us.  Amen.