Honey, Can’t We Just Talk?

My wife is the pant wearer in our marriage.  Yep, kinda, sorta.  She said I am pumped full of estrogen. Well kinda pumped full, sorta.  If I am, then she’s full of testerone.  At night, she wants to have sex. I am sometimes happy to just talk.  With three little ones, we never get to talk anymore. Not that I mind having sex but a little ‘tell me about  your day’ sounds sooo good!

Last night I was rubbing her suggestively, at least to her.  To me it was just a loving touch, not a sign that my tired ass needed some play.  As soon as I saw that she was getting too aroused for my liking, I stopped and rolled over in my best, “Ok, goodnight, I’m off to la la land” impression.  It was almost 10pm for goodness sake!  I had to get up at 5am for work!

She said, ‘Most guys would kill to be in your shoe’ and I didn’t doubt her.  In fact, give me a good rest and I would kill for what she had to offer too.  Maybe it’s the older guy younger woman thing.  Maybe I should head over and ask Katie from Sassandbalderdash about this one.  She has some experience in this type of situation but I’m not sure if she has the intestinal fortitude to air it. She’s not as incognito as I am.  Sorry Katie, inbox me. Let’s chat. Is Mr. Craiglist in the same boat?

As soon as I’m done writing this, in fact right now, I’m going to head upstairs and do my husbandly duty.  No more estrogen-laden excuses.  Honey, can’t we just do it?

Pissicle For Sale! Pissicle For Sale!

English: positive pregnancy test Deutsch: Ein ...

 

Did you know that on Craigslist one could actually purchase piss on a stick? Ok, not really pee on a stick per se but a positive pregnancy stick.  You know the stick with the plus sign indicating the pisser is pregnant?  Why would someone want to buy that? Happy you asked.  Well apparently women stuck in dead-end relationships that are stuck in first gear are using it to prod their men into action.  “Honey, I’m pregnant!” is supposed to get them to fall to their knees, diamond ring in hand.

 

In some rare cases, the unwanted response goes something like this, “Pregnant? WTF!! But we never once had sex!  How could you be pregnant?  Is this some joke?” If a woman could be so devious as to come up with this trickery, she would have an easy reply to this confrontation.  “Why do you always have to be such a party pooper?  A damn male Debbie Downer! Is it always about sex with you?  Can’t you just be happy for me? For us?”

 

So the hapless and probably pissed off Romeo now has a decision.  Should I stay or should I go now?  Sing it with me. Should I stay or should I go now?  Sorry, I have been diagnosed with ADHD and can’t concentrate on anything too long. Now where were we?  Oh yeah, piss.

 

But what if the guy decides to do right by his deceitful gal pal and actually pooped, oops, i meant popped the question?  Well don’t look at me, I don’t have all the answers.  I just throw out scenarios.  Seriously though, what if he marries her and starts prepping to be a daddy?  What does she tell him then?  That she lost baby Jeffery?  “Oh yeah?  You lost the baby?  That’s funny, I think I lost the ring too.  I lost my zeal to be with you also.”  Then he’d probably say,  “Baby bye bye bye…” I hope you sang that one too.  At least she could always resell in on Craigslist.

 

 

 

 

 

She’s Young And I Am Older, I Am Mature But She’s Maturer

imagesIt was not supposed to be this way. She was too young. Well maybe I was too old but then that would sound self-defeating. We worked together on the night shifts and in the same department and I being Mr. Popular or was that Mr. Flirt? It was inevitable that we would cross paths. And so we did.

Yes, it wasn’t supposed to be this way and that was why we went out with co-workers for late night/early mornings eats or hangouts. These soon turned to unthreatening outings for two. Because of the age difference, I made clear my gentlemanly intentions. She agreed. You aren’t suppose to agree! What are you saying? I am not good enough for you? You calling me old?

She was very mature, and I am not just saying that to give myself an excuse. She was! I wasn’t and still isn’t, the most mature guy you would ever meet so that narrowed the gap and maybe put us to within a 10 year difference. In reality we were 19 years apart!  As a matter of fact, we still are.

As things heated up, I started googling May-December relationships. Could they work? But we are from different eras. She grew up listening to New Kids On The Block while I grew up with, ah, never mind. It didn’t matter that MC Hammer was making a comeback. What would we talk about? What could we possibly talk about?

We talked about music. She knew more about classic rock than I did and introduced me to Bon Jovi and others. She made me rediscover country and gave me Garth brooks and George Strait. Not exactly teen heart throbs. My younger and single male coworkers were sick with jealousy. Why me? They asked. “He always gets the new girls”. Yeah, I was known as a player. “It would never work”, they added. Strangely no one poked fun at our age gap. I was encouraged.

Encouraged, I decided to at least date for a while hoping she would wake up and realize she could do better. Well not better as in finding a better guy, just one closer in age. Unfortunately for her and fortunately for me, (It is still debatable who is the fortunate one) she never woke up. No no she didn’t die. Just never woke up to the realization .

Ten years and three of the cutest kids in the world later, coupled with an 8-year-old marriage certificate, we are still going strong. She still haven’t caught up age wise but mentally we are now about on level ground.

Ok, I forgot, it wasn’t all a cake walk, her aunt did take me out for a coffee talk and told me to ‘stay away from her, you old perv! You want her money?’ Not in those words. Then I smilingly told her I am the innocent one here. Your niece is the mature one, go give her crap, not me. Her uncle refused to meet the old sicko who was obviously playing his niece.  Good for me he did, he is a big scary looking dude. Happy to report that they all showed up at the wedding and had the time of their lives. Both aunt and uncle later succumb to my irresistible charm and now think I am Mr. Wonderful .

YOLO.