New Game: Don’t Touch The Queen

Image result for queen elizabeth fallingSo I have invented a new family game that will help everyone understand what to do when in the presence of the Queen.  Seems like some people still don’t get it.  The game is still in its infancy stages but the premise of it is that players would be faced with different scenarios where they are forced to make decisions to save the queen but not allowed to touch her in any way.  You touch her, you lose.

Here’s one such scenario.  Liz is on the sinking Titanic and all her handlers have perished and poor Liz is frantic and alone.  She’s not used to this so she’s way out of her element and sobbing like an infant.  Liz wants off the ship that’s sinking faster than the popularity of the Monarchy.  Tossing protocol aside, she reaches her arm out to you for help.  Yes, the Queen is reaching out to you, a peon. A commoner! Was that a pig flying overhead?

So, the question is, what do you do? Remember, YOU CAN’T TOUCH THE QUEEN!  While you ponder this, here’s another one.  The 91 year old Liz is ascending some stairs which at her age, could be a daunting if not treacherous task.  You are the closest person to her and you are certain she might trip over the royal rug.  You were right! The old lady stumbles towards you and only you could halt her descent.  What do you do?

I await your answers…

Don’t Call The Male A Man! Or The Man A Male!

Related imageI didn’t know it was possible for a person to choose their sexual orientation.  That’s not all, one could also get their kids to grow up as a…a…uhm…thing? No wait, an unassigned-gendered organism or being.  Yup! yes siree!

I just read, that in British Columbia, (That’s in Canada for you Mercan folks), a baby was giving a ‘U’ for sexual orientation on its health card on the request of the parent who wants to raise the kid as a sex-fence straddler.  (I made that word up by the way).

The parent thinks it infringes on the baby’s human rights to be forced to live like a duck boy or girl. Parent X wants baby Y to choose whether it wants to continue on as a male or female once Baby Y is old enough. (Let’s use X and Y here for clarity).  Being gendered without a choice is socially crippling to Baby Y, according to parent x.  (Not exactly their words but mine sounds better).

So all these years, I could have been a gir/woman, boy/man and later on pick my sex? Imagine the naked girls I could have seen as I changed in their locker rooms! Or the hung men! My oh my! I’ll take that and that and that!  Who the heck decided that I wanted to be male anyways?  Who thought I would rather boxers over G-strings? Or be a husband instead of a wife? Or play on a boys’ team instead of a girls’?  Or even be on top instead of…oh never mind. Hell, I even attend an all-boys high school!

I love this new world order.  Wrong is right and right is wrong.  Male is female and female is whatever it wants to be.  No boundaries!  I tell ya, things, they are a changing…

Read story here.

Be Proactive Not Reactive

“On Monday, France targeted a command center, a recruitment center, an ammunition storage base and a training camp in the city, the French military said.”  So right after it was attacked, France was able to find and bomb these targets?  Did they know where they were all along? Or did they all of a sudden find out after they were attacked?

Do you notice this trend too?  The US gets attacked and all of a sudden they are bombing terrorist targets in Iraq, Afhghanistan or wherever.  Why the heck don’t they bomb these places BEFORE they are attacked??

All Brawn No Brains

English: Fitness Model posing with dumbell. Ph...

English: Fitness Model posing with dumbell. Photo by Glenn Francis of http://www.PacificProDigital.com (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

An epic and tragic example that being a model does not qualify one to be a model for smarts is this. A popular model was filming on a train track, why a train track? When he was hit by a train.  Wait a damn minute! Why would you be on a train track and if you are filming, why wouldn’t the photogs alert you of the danger? They are not too bright either?

I heard that the train was actually honking its horn but the model thought that it was on a parallel track so he didn’t budge. Ok ok, wait another minute! How did they know what he thought since he was killed on the spot? And why didn’t he at least look to see if a train was coming? wtf is this?  A bloody joke?

So this model was actually a big fitness model featured on countless magazines and shit but in terms of smartness he was unfit.  He had brawns but no brains as they would say. He was a model idiot they would also say, meaning no disrespect to the dead man. I would say he was one determined fella who let nothing derail his career. Say what you want of him but he stayed on track till the very end. Ok enough! Read it for yourselves.

Killed while shooting on a train track…whatever…

 

Friday Folly: Jian Ghomeshi’s Choked Me!

By now you may have heard about the Canadian lover boy, Jian Ghomeshi, if not, go back in your hole until you do.  Jian will sleep with anything and anyone.  Authors, actresses, students, young, old, men, chickens…yes I said chickens. What? You didn’t know?

After the countless women came forward with claims of being choked during sex by Jian, a male accuser also stepped forward but he was only fondled by Ghomeshi.  But his pet chicken is now the latest to step up.  Yes, I did say his pet chicken.

Apparently the chicken is accusing Jian of, yes you guessed it, of choking him!  Jian Ghomeshi choked his chicken too!  After choking just about every chick in the country, how could he even find the time to choke his chicken? That Ghomeshi is something else…

 

 

Where Did That Black Baby Come From?

English: pic

English: pic (Photo credit: Wikipedia). This gal found out someone mixed up her male order

 

A white woman from the United States of America is suing a sperm bank in Chicago for screwing up her withdrawal. No pun. Yes pun.

 

The woman apparently wanted a white baby, who doesn’t want one of those? But instead of receiving sperm from a white donor, she was giving the seed of a black man! The nerve! The pain! The disgust!

 

Anyways, she’s doing the smart thing and suing, just to make sure mistakes like that never happen again. And in other news, I’m also suing Macdonalds for giving me a big mac instead of a quarter pounder and like the hapless female, I’m also just doing it so that mistakes like this never happen again.

 

Note:  Although I don’t know if she was ever offered a full refund upon return of the kid, I do know that Angelina Jolie heard the news and remarked, “If she doesn’t want it, I’ll take it!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday Folly: Psst…I May Have Poked Your Wife.

Do you know that I poke my friends’ wives? And their daughters too?  If they are old enough to be on Facebook, they are old enough for poking. They are poke-able to coin a phrase.  Heck, I’d poke Mark Zuckerberg too but I’m not that kind of guy.

Before you get your knickers in a tangle let’s be clear on what poke I’m talking about here. I am talking about the good ole friendly Facebook poke. What else did you think? Sicko! You guys remind me of this guy who killed his friend for poking his girlfriend.  Read it here.  Maybe it was her fault, maybe she didn’t explain to her bf exactly what poke she was talking about.  The guy probably came home from work and his girlfriend greeted him with, “Honey, Your friend Tony poked me today.”  Put that way, any man would be jealous. I am even jealous just thinking about it right now.

But that wasn’t what happened.  The poor guy figured he would give his friend’s gal a little nudge.  He died for that seemingly innocent nudge. As ‘Tony’ punched him to death, he repeatedly asked, ‘If you’re such a good friend then why did you poke my missus?’  I didn’t know this but apparently a poke is actually a Facebook flirt!  Did you know that? Well now that puts a new spin on it. Do you know my friends’ wives flirt with me? And their daughters too.  Just begging me to poke them.  If they flirt with me, I will poke em.  Even Mark. But I’m still not that type of guy.  Homey don’t play that.