Distracted Surfing

I simply cannot stand the internet these days.  Well not exactly the internet,the world wide web, the WWW.  The thing is, not to long ago, I could do a search in Google or whatever search engine and I will click on the link I like best and it will show me ‘just the facts, sir’.  Now when I click on the link, it takes me to a page with a couple of sentences that relate to the topic I searched for and the rest is INTERESTING STUFF!

Just today, I clicked on a link that was supposed to take me to videos showing the effects of Trump’s ban on immigration. The first thing that caught my eye was a photo of racks.  Yes, that kind of a rack.  Cleavages!  Not uncovered, mind you, but enough to pique my interest, especially when it said, ‘What shape breasts are you?’

Of course I want to see how my breasts stack up against whatever ones they had on display, so Muslim Ban forgotten and off into breastland I go.  I didn’t stay long though because, yes you guessed it, I was again bombarded with a bunch of other options to check out.  See what the cameraman captured, Stars who showed too much, 20 things you never knew existed, animals you never knew existed…the list goes on. and on and I went on and on and on until, you guessed it, I was on some hub or something like that. Oh well..

So yes, I can’t just surf anymore. Impossible.

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Are you dressing inappropriately?

I am going to Disney Land!

A few weeks ago, while downtown, I happened to be walking behind a couple of ‘well-dressed’ women out for night of party.  As they walked, their hands were busy trying to keep their much-too-short dresses that looked more like a shirt, from giving passers-by an accidental sneak peak.  Fortunately for them, they were successful.  Unfortunately for them, their luck didn’t hold when it came to their shoes.

These women were wearing shoes with stilt-like heels.  All of a sudden, one of them had an ankle that decided it wanted to get closer to the ground.  The young woman wanted none of that and fought to resist this upstarted ankle.  She over corrected and next thing you know, she is fighting with both ankles, stumbling like a drunken sailor, this way and that until she finally got within arm’s reach of a railing which she hung on to for dear life. Not to be outdone, her friend’s ankles decided to do the same thing and she too ended up sharing the railing with her friend. A smile creased my face as I walked past them, fighting the urge to laugh out loud.

That was the consequences of dressing inappropriately.  These women were dressed to look good, and they did, but it was came at a price.  Apparently, they had no clue that they were dressed inappropriate so I came up with some points for those of you who might be dressing inappropriately but have no idea.

If you spend your fun night out pulling the hem of your skirt or dress down, you are dressed inappropriately. Go change.

If you walk around as though about to fall on your face because you just had to buy those 6″ high heels, you are dressed inappropriately.  Watch the video below.

Those 80’s high waisted shorts are back in!  The ones that go way up pass your belly button.  Well if your belly button is hogging the covers more than your butt cheeks, then maybe you are also dressed inappropriately? You think? Doesn’t matter what I think!

Talking about shorts, if yours are so short that the underside of your butt winks at me as you walk by, what do think?  It doesn’t matter if I wink back!

If there’s no beach in sight for miles, yet you are dressed in a nice sexy 2-piece bathing suit and walking around the town, then yup, you look good but inappropriate.  Let’s call it inappropriate sexiness. Like that racist joke you heard at work, sounded good but so inappropriate.  A friend of mine on a recent trip to Disney, asked the question on Facebook if it was right for young, I mean really young, girls to walk around the beach in Disneyland wearing thongs. You tell me.

If there’s a beach close by but you saw it fit to wander off in your new thongs and mingle with families just out for a stroll, then maybe you are dressed inappropriately.  It doesn’t matter if I like it. 

Last winter, I saw a lot of young women wearing house slippers outside, even with snow on the ground.  That has to be a mental thing but it’s still inappropriate!  I don’t care if it’s warm and comfy!

Bearpaw Loki II Women  Round Toe Leather Brown Scuffs Slippers Shoesimage

You are not in bed but at the mall yet you are clad in your cotton flannel pajama pants.  (And house slippers!) Definitely inappropriate. Go back to bed!

If your OUTERwear is getting more air time than your UNDERwear, you just might be dressed inappropriately.  Doesn’t matter if I like it!

If none of the above applies to you but  your 12-year old daughter is guilty, then tell her nicely that she’s dressing inappropriately.

Talking about daughter, if you and your daughter fight over who gets to wear what, then let her have it, it’s inappropriate for you anyways.

There’s a time and a place for everything, even your inappropriate attire, it’s  in October and it’s called Halloween.

But again, maybe I’m just out of touch with the times…

 

 

Friday Folly: Dear Ashley Madison

Hi Ashley,

I won’t be needing your services anymore. Why? You have the nerve to ask me why? Well darling, I trusted you. Trust is earned. Trust is scarce these days.  You can’t find anyone you could trust anymore.  I trusted that what we had between us would stay discreet and private, only to find out that it wasn’t so.  Now I fear that my wife will soon find out about us!

Ashley, this is serious! I hooked up with you to cheat on my wife. Forget what I just said about trust. For now. I needed some discreet and private action on the side. You promised me that you were up to it. I love my wife, Ashley, of course I do! But a side thing is no harm, right honey?  You even said so yourself so don’t go giving me this tude.  But back to what I am writing about, I am done! I am going back to my wife and will apologize before she finds out about what we had.

Know what sucks? Is having a loose-lipped ‘other woman’.  Now thanks to this, my life could be ruined…Thanks Ashley. For nothing!  What? Hacked? What’s that and who cares? I don’t care baby, I trusted you and you betrayed that trust. Lose my number.

It’s All About The Sunscreen, Honestly!

I am always on the lookout for products that can prolong my life. Be it pills, food, hygienic practices or even sunscreen.  Yes, sunscreen. Don’t you know too much sun can cause skin cancer? So quite naturally I saw a piece trending on yahoo with photo too:

Alarming study: Your sunscreen may not work. (Getty Images)

Alarming study: Your sunscreen may not work. (Getty Images)

Well of course I had to check it out!  The story I meant. Not the blonde and the brunette, silly! In fact I didn’t even notice them until later, much later. So I clicked on the link and it took me to the meat of the story with another accompanying pic.

Alarming Consumer Report Study: Your sunscreen may not work

Wow! Look at that! The story I mean.  Our sunscreen just may not work! OMG! that’s hot! The sun I mean! And honey dear, I swear, it was all about the sunscreen…

 

 

Friday Folly: Me And My Anti-Ball Crusher

Something like this but different.

Thanks to Lululemon, my balls could now breathe easily.  With my wearing of all those balls-unfriendly pants, it’s no wonder I suffered from blue balls continuously. The below pic is not of it but it’s all I could find.

Lululemon has invented a pants for us men to protect our jewels.  It’s like a jock strap with legs.  I am not sure how it works but it does! I tried on a pair and noticed the difference immediately.  I can’t explain it but my balls just didn’t feel so crushable.  I dared my balls crusher wife to try her stuff on me and you know what? She couldn’t crush my nuts!

Thank you LuLu.  Now can I have some Anti-blueballs pants?

Turning 50 Shades

It’s here! Final Fricking Ly!  50 Shades Of Grey is in theaters! Are you going to see it? I am not. Got you there! I have nothing against watching some S&M porn but there are better ones easily accessible on my mac! I can choose my S and my M’s.

The thing is, I would find it embarrassingly awkward sitting in a packed theater watching sex on a big screen with total strangers. I may or may not get aroused but there may be a risk of that. Getting aroused while seated beside a less-than-sexy stranger is just plain gross and bordering on disgusting! It sure would be a nice kinky and voyeuristic experience if a hot blonde/brunette/woman was rubbing elbows with me while I…nevermind!

What would the other pervs theater-goers think when they see me getting up to go to the bathroom? I would dare not leave my seat for fear they might jump to conclusion on the nature of my departure.  No ma’am, I simply cannot partake in a mass porn watching affair.  I have never been one who enjoy getting horny in the presence of shady strangers. Sometimes I can’t help myself and I do but it doesn’t mean I like and enjoy it. Like my massage table appointments for example…

So you see, I would turn 50 shades of something if I were to subject myself to such a potentially embarrassing situation.  Fifty Shades Of Grey should be the only thing coming in a theater near you.

 

Honey, I Saw Our Daughter’s Ass

Too often, I read of stories where parents, granted, most of them celebrities, which doesn’t make them real parents, have watched their children perform in nude scenes without being bothered.  Some moms have sat in the audience while their sons used their penis like putty to make silly shapes. Not bothered one bit.  Some men have also showed up at the daughters’ strip joints and enjoyed a show with their buddies.

Take this story for example, NBC Nightly News broadcaster Brian Williams, watched his daughter Allison in a raunchy sex scene recently. He attended a premiere of the new season of Girls. The scene called for Allison’s lover to get close and personal with her naked ass.  “Get your face in there!” Yelled the director. “Not you sir”, he added as Brian got up out of seat.

I don’t know about you but watching my daughter have sex is not something I have on my bucket list. In fact, the mere thought disgusts me. Isn’t that a torture tactic where terrorists force you to watch them have sex with your family? Why would anyone, especially a dad, willingly watch this? Well unless he has some kinda…nevermind.

Next time you talk to Brian, say to him, “Hey, nice ass on your daughter! I would like to tap that”.  You never know, he might ask if he could watch.