You seriously can’t make this stuff up. I wish you can but no you really can’t. A shepherd was so lonely that he made himself a scarecrow to keep him company. He got carried away with his invention that he also made the thing his sexual partner. And that’s where things got complicated.
The shepherd died while having sex with his scarecrow! I am not sure if he was scared to death or he probably used the scarecrow’s stake to impale himself or what but he died! And he did the deed. The good thing is that he dressed her up in wig and lipstick. I can see why he would want to do her…Lipstick and wig? hmm…
When I were a little horn dog, experiencing puberty and mentally humping everything in skirts, where were those perverted but sexy female teachers who prey on their students? Like the one here. So not fair!
Where were those understanding teachers who see past their students failures and ineptitude and see them as just needing to be held and to be loved? You know what I’m talking about, those teachers who have never heard the word ‘fail’. So not fair!
Those anti-bullying laws, where were they when I…you got the point, and it’s so not fair!
Yoga pants, scantily clad girls, gadgets, cool parents who give allowances and let you drive their cars, LGBT acceptance, Fifty Shades Of Grey, talentless singers, easily-accessible porn…where the heck were they back in my day?
It’s here! Final Fricking Ly! 50 Shades Of Grey is in theaters! Are you going to see it? I am not. Got you there! I have nothing against watching some S&M porn but there are better ones easily accessible on my mac! I can choose my S and my M’s.
The thing is, I would find it embarrassingly awkward sitting in a packed theater watching sex on a big screen with total strangers. I may or may not get aroused but there may be a risk of that. Getting aroused while seated beside a less-than-sexy stranger is just plain gross and bordering on disgusting! It sure would be a nice kinky and voyeuristic experience if a hot blonde/brunette/woman was rubbing elbows with me while I…nevermind!
What would the other pervs theater-goers think when they see me getting up to go to the bathroom? I would dare not leave my seat for fear they might jump to conclusion on the nature of my departure. No ma’am, I simply cannot partake in a mass porn watching affair. I have never been one who enjoy getting horny in the presence of shady strangers. Sometimes I can’t help myself and I do but it doesn’t mean I like and enjoy it. Like my massage table appointments for example…
So you see, I would turn 50 shades of something if I were to subject myself to such a potentially embarrassing situation. Fifty Shades Of Grey should be the only thing coming in a theater near you.
Too often, I read of stories where parents, granted, most of them celebrities, which doesn’t make them real parents, have watched their children perform in nude scenes without being bothered. Some moms have sat in the audience while their sons used their penis like putty to make silly shapes. Not bothered one bit. Some men have also showed up at the daughters’ strip joints and enjoyed a show with their buddies.
Take this story for example, NBC Nightly News broadcaster Brian Williams, watched his daughter Allison in a raunchy sex scene recently. He attended a premiere of the new season of Girls. The scene called for Allison’s lover to get close and personal with her naked ass. “Get your face in there!” Yelled the director. “Not you sir”, he added as Brian got up out of seat.
I don’t know about you but watching my daughter have sex is not something I have on my bucket list. In fact, the mere thought disgusts me. Isn’t that a torture tactic where terrorists force you to watch them have sex with your family? Why would anyone, especially a dad, willingly watch this? Well unless he has some kinda…nevermind.
Next time you talk to Brian, say to him, “Hey, nice ass on your daughter! I would like to tap that”. You never know, he might ask if he could watch.
Is it just me or are you like this too? What I’m talking about here is do you have a sick mind? I am not a bad guy, honestly I’m not! I am happily married with kids etc etc. But I have a sick mind. A gutter mind. A warped mind.
Here’s how it works. In church, the pastor would say, “Jesus is coming again!” Guess what goes through my mind then? Yes! I think sexual! I feel like crap for not only thinking something so blasphemous but in church to boot? Nooo! There are also songs that beg Jesus to ‘come inside me’. How could I not go to town with that? Hello! Sick guy here!
Nothing is too sacred and nothing is safe from the machinations of my sexually warped mind. I am not bragging, it’s a curse! I might need to speak to someone. A shrink maybe? Did you talk to someone? Are you like this? Am I normal? Come on, talk to me!
Did I mention that I am also a Christian? Well duh! Why else would I be in church? To steal communion or partake of the bread and wine? Maybe I need a good confession. But isn’t that what I’m doing right now? And what would I say? “Of forgive me father for I have sinned. I er…uhm…apply sexual connotations to normal conversations and pervade even the most innocent of conversations.” Hmm…that kinda has a nice ring to it, don’t you agree?
Back to my issue, I am one sick mofo! Be careful what you say to me and please don’t tell me please come again.
This is a photograph of one’s nipple. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The last time I said free anything was when I chanted ‘Free Mandela’ with the rest of the world. Now there is another freedom chant. It’s ‘Free the nipple’ and it is a movement for the liberation of women. Or at least their nipple. Women need freedom, one nipple at a time. No more incarcerated nips!
Now I totally understand how these women feel. Walking around with their nipples in a cup! A darn cup! A prisoner in its own body. Shame! I too would like to see more free nipples for free. I get to see my wife’s and the occasional stripper’s but that’s it. Now how awesome would it be to walk down the street with your eyes bombarded by an assortment of nipples? Black, Indian, Asian, White, a virtual nipple buffet! Yes women, free those puppies! By the way, I hope you are already working on your next chant, “Free The Clitoris!”
Is it me or is it getting a bit nipply out there?
Hey! Wait a minute! Would this mean no more nip slips????