Turning 50 Shades

It’s here! Final Fricking Ly!  50 Shades Of Grey is in theaters! Are you going to see it? I am not. Got you there! I have nothing against watching some S&M porn but there are better ones easily accessible on my mac! I can choose my S and my M’s.

The thing is, I would find it embarrassingly awkward sitting in a packed theater watching sex on a big screen with total strangers. I may or may not get aroused but there may be a risk of that. Getting aroused while seated beside a less-than-sexy stranger is just plain gross and bordering on disgusting! It sure would be a nice kinky and voyeuristic experience if a hot blonde/brunette/woman was rubbing elbows with me while I…nevermind!

What would the other pervs theater-goers think when they see me getting up to go to the bathroom? I would dare not leave my seat for fear they might jump to conclusion on the nature of my departure.  No ma’am, I simply cannot partake in a mass porn watching affair.  I have never been one who enjoy getting horny in the presence of shady strangers. Sometimes I can’t help myself and I do but it doesn’t mean I like and enjoy it. Like my massage table appointments for example…

So you see, I would turn 50 shades of something if I were to subject myself to such a potentially embarrassing situation.  Fifty Shades Of Grey should be the only thing coming in a theater near you.

 

Honey, I Saw Our Daughter’s Ass

Too often, I read of stories where parents, granted, most of them celebrities, which doesn’t make them real parents, have watched their children perform in nude scenes without being bothered.  Some moms have sat in the audience while their sons used their penis like putty to make silly shapes. Not bothered one bit.  Some men have also showed up at the daughters’ strip joints and enjoyed a show with their buddies.

Take this story for example, NBC Nightly News broadcaster Brian Williams, watched his daughter Allison in a raunchy sex scene recently. He attended a premiere of the new season of Girls. The scene called for Allison’s lover to get close and personal with her naked ass.  “Get your face in there!” Yelled the director. “Not you sir”, he added as Brian got up out of seat.

I don’t know about you but watching my daughter have sex is not something I have on my bucket list. In fact, the mere thought disgusts me. Isn’t that a torture tactic where terrorists force you to watch them have sex with your family? Why would anyone, especially a dad, willingly watch this? Well unless he has some kinda…nevermind.

Next time you talk to Brian, say to him, “Hey, nice ass on your daughter! I would like to tap that”.  You never know, he might ask if he could watch.

One Sick Guy

Is it just me or are you like this too? What I’m talking about here is do you have a sick mind? I am not a bad guy, honestly I’m not! I am happily married with kids etc etc.  But I have a sick mind. A gutter mind. A warped mind.

Here’s how it works.  In church, the pastor would say, “Jesus is coming again!” Guess what goes through my mind then? Yes! I think sexual! I feel like crap for not only thinking something so blasphemous but in church to boot?  Nooo! There are also songs that beg Jesus to ‘come inside me’. How could I not go to town with that? Hello! Sick guy here!

Nothing is too sacred and nothing is safe from the machinations of my sexually warped mind. I am not bragging, it’s a curse! I might need to speak to someone. A shrink maybe? Did you talk to someone? Are you like this? Am I normal? Come on, talk to me!

Did I mention that I am also a Christian? Well duh! Why else would I be in church? To steal communion or partake of the bread and wine?  Maybe I need a good confession.  But isn’t that what I’m doing right now? And what would I say? “Of forgive me father for I have sinned.  I er…uhm…apply sexual connotations to normal conversations and pervade even the most innocent of conversations.” Hmm…that kinda has a nice ring to it, don’t you agree?

Back to my issue, I am one sick mofo!  Be careful what you say to me and please don’t tell me please come again.

Free The Nipple! Yes You Can!

This is a photograph of one's nipple.

This is a photograph of one’s nipple. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The last time I said free anything was when I chanted ‘Free Mandela’ with the rest of the world.  Now there is another freedom chant.  It’s ‘Free the nipple’ and it is a movement for the liberation of women. Or at least their nipple.  Women need freedom, one nipple at a time.  No more incarcerated nips!

Now I totally understand how these women feel.  Walking around with their nipples in a cup! A darn cup!  A prisoner in its own body. Shame! I too would like to see more free nipples for free.  I get to see my wife’s and the occasional stripper’s but that’s it.  Now how awesome would it be to walk down the street with your eyes bombarded by an assortment of nipples? Black, Indian, Asian, White, a virtual nipple buffet! Yes women, free those puppies!  By the way, I hope you are already working on your next chant, “Free The Clitoris!”

Is it me or is it getting a bit nipply out there?

Hey! Wait a minute! Would this mean no more nip slips????

Bill ‘Get Cozy’ Cosby Went Nowhere Without His Pill

Ole Bill Cosby
Was a sly old fox
A real sly one was he.
When he wanted a chick
He became a real prick
Not like the Dad on TV.

Old Bill was no fool
He acted so cool
And he always had a good joke
He took the girls drinking
Who didn’t know he was thinking
Of finding a place he could poke.

Old Bill they could trust
Not the type who would lust
Or take advantage of women.
He would never think
Of spiking their drink
You think? well then think again.

Old Bill was indeed a snake
He was Mr. Huxtable, for Christ’s sakes!
What’s wrong with this man?
I was once a fan
Now I wish he would jump in a lake!

Well Mr. Huxtable aka Bill
Put all his girls on the pill
And then against their will
He then took his fill
While asleep he went for the kill.

I hope Bill pays
The case must stay
Rape is indeed a crime.
Cosby or not
In jail he should rot
Please let Old Billy do time!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday Folly: Psst…I May Have Poked Your Wife.

Do you know that I poke my friends’ wives? And their daughters too?  If they are old enough to be on Facebook, they are old enough for poking. They are poke-able to coin a phrase.  Heck, I’d poke Mark Zuckerberg too but I’m not that kind of guy.

Before you get your knickers in a tangle let’s be clear on what poke I’m talking about here. I am talking about the good ole friendly Facebook poke. What else did you think? Sicko! You guys remind me of this guy who killed his friend for poking his girlfriend.  Read it here.  Maybe it was her fault, maybe she didn’t explain to her bf exactly what poke she was talking about.  The guy probably came home from work and his girlfriend greeted him with, “Honey, Your friend Tony poked me today.”  Put that way, any man would be jealous. I am even jealous just thinking about it right now.

But that wasn’t what happened.  The poor guy figured he would give his friend’s gal a little nudge.  He died for that seemingly innocent nudge. As ‘Tony’ punched him to death, he repeatedly asked, ‘If you’re such a good friend then why did you poke my missus?’  I didn’t know this but apparently a poke is actually a Facebook flirt!  Did you know that? Well now that puts a new spin on it. Do you know my friends’ wives flirt with me? And their daughters too.  Just begging me to poke them.  If they flirt with me, I will poke em.  Even Mark. But I’m still not that type of guy.  Homey don’t play that.

 

 

 

 

 

Friday Folly: Threesome With Teachers, A Boy’s Dream

A couple of decent-looking Teachers were arrested for having a threesome with a 16 year-old male student after watching Friday night football.  Maybe he was tricked into going over to their house for some private lessons. Maybe it wasn’t a trick, maybe it really was private lessons. Maybe they were working on his linguistic ability. So many maybes.

This was wrong on all counts. So wrong! Wrong for these adults to have sexual encounters with a minor and wrong for this damn kid to be so damn lucky!  I had a crush on my hot English teacher in high school but not once did I even entertain the thought of having a threesome with her and say my history teacher.  In fact I had no clue what a threesome was at 16 years old.  Had I known then what I know now…

Back to the story, apparently all this hanky panky happened after watching NFL Friday Night Football. Not sure how that ties in but it did.  I am thinking that he didn’t  quarterback this arrangement. As can be expected, the boy had some problems keeping this err..uhm, lucky break, under wraps and blabbed to his friends about his accomplishment and that’s how it was made known.  As if any 16 year-old would ever keep something like that a secret!

All I can say at this time is Bad teachers! and You lucky ass!

 

 

 

 

Friday Folly: Shocker! ‘Dating Naked’ Contestant Private Parts Revealed!!

The Dating Game

The Dating Game (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well if this isn’t a good reason to sue, then tell me what is.  A female contestant on the show, ‘Dating Naked’, is suing producers.  Guess why? Because they showed her nude. Yep, they showed her va jay jay on tv!  The nerve of these producers! What were they thinking? Who does that?  Anything to get some cash…

Apparently, Jessie Nizewitz was frolicking in the buff with her also naked date when an uncensored shot of her crotch was shown. Inadvertently? Cash grab? She was putting a wrestling move on her date, if you must know. If you also must know, as soon as I’m done here, I’m going to scour the internet in search of this crotch shot wrestling move.

To compound matters, Jessie has also reported that her boyfriend, yes she does have a boyfriend. Don’t ask me what she was doing on the show frolicking naked with another guy while her bf was sitting at home playing the organ.  oh yeah, where was I? She said he hasn’t called her since her crotch was aired live and unedited.  Why wouldn’t he call? Don’t worry Jess, his lost. I don’t think he was ready for your jelly. Show him again what he missed.

Ok, gotta run. How do I search for…nevermind.

 

 

 

Friday Folly: I Am One Smart Brother

So by now you would have heard that power couple Beyonce and her husband Jay-Z are on the outs. You may have also heard that her sister bitch slapped him a month or so ago in an elevator while Beyonce looked on.  Apparently Solange wasn’t happy with the way her sister was being cheated treated. What? Jay-Z was creeping on the lovely and talented Beyonce? How could he? Well before you get asking that, ask instead, “How couldn’t he?”

Rumor has it that Beyonce is upset that her husband was all up in Rihanna’s grill. Know what I’m saying? And everyone went, “Oh no! Not Riri!” And I go, “Yawn”.  You see I am one smart brother. I knew all this stuff while it was still only a thought process. “How?” you asked, easy. Jay-Z is a rapper. Rappers cheat. Ok, maybe that’s like saying all black guys have big penises, which they do so that point is moot. Yeah, they all cheat, it’s the GAME, they have to play it or be pussies. It’s the life they live.

When Rihanna came on the scene, she was first signed to Jay-Z’s record label and right away I knew he was tapping it.  How could he not? She was exactly the prime cut he was waiting for. Fresh and young Caribbean meat! Come on Bey! you knew that too. I know I’m smart but you are no dummy yourself…um, never mind that last bit.

So there you have it. Today you learned that all most rappers are cheaters. You learned ‘Up in her grill’, you also learned that I’m one smart brother, something you should have known after reading my first blog.

Friday Folly: Me? Naked? Sorry, Can’t Do

How to Look Good Naked

How to Look Good Naked (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I like a bit of nudity. So what? I’m normal. Who doesn’t? You don’t? Go see a shrink, you prude!  A glimpse here and glimpse there to keeps the heart pumping.  So when I heard of the latest thing in television, naked reality shows, I of course was turned on. Err, I meant excited. Noo, not that either. What I really meant is that I was um, how do you say it, curious. Mildly curious. I am a married man!

I can’t believe they have a show where a naked man tries to date a naked woman. How the heck do you swing that? Not that, I meant that idea. I have this issue with inappropriate erection, read here, so there’s no way I could stand in front of a hot, naked, single chick and not get a rise. Any naked chick for that matter. Would that be inappropriate anyways? How about her? Would she judge her suitors based on their manhood? “Sorry, move along you and your little dinky. You are a nice guy but I can’t work with that.”  What if I can’t stand in front of her without showing how excited, err, interested I was? Would they yell takes until I calm down or send me off set to smarten up…you know what I mean? In case you missed it, I was alluding to the show ‘Dating Naked’.

Now there’s another one called ‘Naked And Afraid’, which is very much like Survivor. A man and a woman is set somewhere in the wilderness naked! Naked! Sorry, can’t do.  If I’m naked in the wilds with a naked female, yeah, I would be afraid of what could and maybe would happen.  Come on! I’m just being realistic here!  How the hell am I supposed to walk behind some hot, naked, married milf while she climbs up a hill? Maybe even on all fours. How?  I am serious here! I am an individual with roaring testosterone, I can’t do it! More takes please! I can see me excusing myself as I run off into the bushes to err…smarten up. Go on girl, I’ll be right there. I just need to peeee…aahhh! Ok where were we? Oh yeah, we were climbing up this hill. Excuse me, I think I need to pee again! Dammit! Cut!!

On a more serious note, like it wasn’t before. I am not sure I am cut out for nude acting. Nope, not me, can’t do.