Just Let Me Poop!

Pooping is serious business. Well for me it is. As a married man with 3 young kids, alone time is sacred. And scarce. So yes, it I’d serious.

Unfortunately, what is serious to me is trivial to the rest of the family. My sacred time consists of me preparing myself by choosing a good magazine, no, no porn! I make sure to bring my phone also, in case I finish the magazine. Then it’s system all go!

And that’s when my wife usually shouts to me through the door. Most times I can’t discern what she is babbling about but I am getting irritated. “Jeez woman! I was just outside doing nothing for the last few hours and you ignored me, now you are trying to have a conversation?”

It seems I am never more needed as when I am pooping.

Create Jobs, Retire!

I love old people.  I really do. Come on! If I didn’t would I be volunteering at a Old Folks Home? (Nursing Home).  See? Told you! I love old people.

Know what I especially love about old people?  Their stories.  Nothing beats sitting down with an aged one and listening to them share their life experiences.  What they did when they were young and what they did for work.  Know what I especially l hate about old people? When they just don’t know when to quit!

If your excuse is that you didn’t save enough to retire, that’s your problem.  You need to move over so the new graduates could get jobs.  It’s time for the changing of the guard.

Take this for example, a 70 plus year old Trump has just started a new career! Shouldn’t there be an age limit on presidential candidates? Like come on!


Her First Time

She was having second thoughts about this.  It was her first time after all.  She’s seen it done on TV and heard people talk about it and how painful it could be.  Now it was her turn and as she reclined waiting for him to come into the room, she wasn’t sure she could go through with it.  In fact she was sure she didn’t.

He walked in, his instrument held in his hand and pointing upwards.  As he approached her, she could see a tiny bead of liquid on the tip.  She looked away.  “Don’t worry, I will try to be gentle.” He said reassuringly.  “I have done many times.”  She knew he recently did it to her mom and her sisters but it didn’t make her feel any better.

Then he leaned in.  The thing was inches from touching her.  She recoiled. “No, please I don’t think I can do this!”  In a calm voice he said, “Don’t worry, I won’t take long and I promise it would be done before you know it.”  He produced a wipe and dabbed at the area.  She felt a coldness on her skin then before she could say anything else, he plunged it in her!

Before she knew it, he pulled it out, stood up and smiled at her.  “I told you I won’t be long.  It wasn’t that bad now, was it?  There might be a little blood but nothing to worry about.”  He patted her head. “You were a brave girl.  I will see you in a year for your next flu shot.”



Thank Goodness For Change Room Cams!

While in the change room in a clothing store yesterday, I was trying on a shirt that was giving me some issues and was getting frustrated until a voice spoke over the intercom, “Sir, your hat is still on.”  Sheepish, I removed the obstruction and was able to get my shirt over my head.

I looked up into the camera and give a silent thank you and a thumbs up to the person watching me.  The voice came back once more, ‘No problem buddy but do you always take your pants off to try on shirts?”

After the incident, I made my way to the bathroom to relieve myself before the long drive home. Again, this came with issues.  I couldn’t find toilet paper.  Right on cue, the voice came at me again.  “Sir, the roll is on the floor behind you.”  Wow! What service! I couldn’t imagine life without these spy cams customer service cameras!

Writer Wants Black Poussey, Not What You Think.

Have you been watching Orange Is The New Black? That’s some serious show! Straight up in yer face action of the lesbian kind! I’m telling you! It’s tense.  Granted, it does make prison look like a fun place to be.  Well at least women prison. I won’t complain if I got thrown in there.  Know what else it makes look cool? Lesbians.

If I were a woman, watching OITNB would make me a bit curious. Just a wee bit until I satisfy that curiosity. You feeling me?  Heck, even the darn writer of the show is not immune to this.  She wrote the show for goodness sakes! You would think she’d be like, “Nah, this shit’s not real.  This doesn’t happen in real-life.”  Yet after writing/watching/thinking about all that girl-on-girl action, she decided that she wanted in. The woman was married! To a man! She’s now filing for divorce. She wanted a black Poussey! Yes, black Poussey! What? You thought I said pussy? I would never say that! Poussey is one of the inmates on the show. And yes, she’s black.

Lauren Morelli, the show’s writer, decided that the stuff she writes about was so darn hot and out of this world that there was no way her husband could give her that feeling. So she said to hell with it! I’m going in!  She’s filing for divorce but before it’s all finalized, she’s already into Poussey. At the Emmy’s, I heard that she couldn’t keep her hands off Poussey. I don’t really blame her, there’s just something about that black Poussey that just makes you…I dunno.  Well as the saying goes, once you go black, you’ll never go back.

Friday Folly: Kate Shows Down Under Down Under

thNo, it’s not a typo.  Kate, the Duchess of York, or Cambridge, or somewhere or the other Middleton, did show her buttocks, as the English would call it, while on her trip to Australia.  Some would say she got a little cheeky.  You don’t get it? My goodness! Some people!   KATE MIDDLETON FLASHED HER BUTT! Easy there horn dogs, it wasn’t intentional. The cutesy girl-next-door Royal is not no Miley Cyrus.

Apparently while out and about doing what Royals do when they are out and about, her flimsy dress got into a battle with Australia’s strong and perverted wind.  The wind quite understandably wanted to see what Royals wear under their dresses and maybe hopefully grab a peek at the royal jewels.  It was a one sided battle but her dress fought valiantly.  In the end it got what it wanted, a view of the Kate’s hiney.   Seems like the Royals wear nothing under their dresses.  Or maybe it was one of those stringy thingies that hides itself up ones butt.

Kate was a very good sport in losing.  She reminded the wind that it was not the first time they met on the battlefield.  A few years ago in some place called Calgary, the wind tried to catch an upskirt updress moment but had to settle for a flash of side cheek.  In your face, Mr. Wind! Not so fast, Katie dear, Wind actually got some crack this time.

Seems like the Middleton sisters are making headlines for their royal ass-ets. First it was Pippa stirring up controversy with her too-perfect posterior. Read my blog about that here. and now Kate’s wardrobe malfunctions. One word to Kate, please eat because I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE…

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Tired Of Winter

xpressions of my mind

I am tired of the snow and cold.

Sick to my stomach, truth be told.

I don’t mind a little snow

But this crap just needs to go!

Like a hermit locked inside

My comfy house, forced to hide.

I hate to hear a windchill warning

Hey, what happened to global warming?

Some say it’s just a polar vortex

Excuses, excuses, now what’s next?

Maybe I’m just getting old

But I’m really sick of being cold

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Tuesday’s Thoughts: Nelson Mandela, The South African Phoenix

A great man died today. RIP Mandela! True Hero!

My Vuze, My Takes

I admit, I do not know enough about Mr. Nelson Mandela.  As a little boy growing up in the Caribbean, Mandela’s name was second to God.  Who was this man?  I grew up hearing chants of  ‘Free Mandela!’ from Calypso singers, reggae greats and poets.  Even the legend,  Bob Marley sang about him.  Our school books talked about him.  To my ignorant mind, he was God-like.

I was told that he fought against the apartheid system that ruled his country and was imprisoned because of it. That’s all I knew.  In a nutshell.   A black man was jailed for fighting racism in his country and we wanted him freed.  The world wanted him freed.  Even the white people!  He must be a great man!  Every kid needs a hero and I had found mine.  “Free Mandela!”.  I too picked up the chant.  “End Apartheid!”  I started chanting long before…

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It’s Not That Easy Buying For Her, Is It?

I hear that!

Musings Of A Daddy

imagesOn the radio today, the question was asked, “What is the worst gift to buy for a woman?”  One listener, a female, said that unless the guy is 100% sure of the size, clothes are a no-no.  If it’s too big, they see it as sending the message that they are fat.  Too small says that they need to lose a few pounds to fit into the dress.   And here was I thinking that buying it a size or two smaller would be flattering…  I would expect to be greeted with, ‘Awww, Honey, you actually thought I was a size two?”  You aren’t?

Kitchen utensils and appliances were also ranked high on the not-to-buy list.  So don’t get her that fancy set of pots you had your eyes set on, and forget the ice-making fridge too.  I really can’t see why any woman would not be excited to get a …

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