I admit, I do not know enough about Mr. Nelson Mandela. As a little boy growing up in the Caribbean, Mandela’s name was second to God. Who was this man? I grew up hearing chants of ‘Free Mandela!’ from Calypso singers, reggae greats and poets. Even the legend, Bob Marley sang about him. Our school books talked about him. To my ignorant mind, he was God-like.
I was told that he fought against the apartheid system that ruled his country and was imprisoned because of it. That’s all I knew. In a nutshell. A black man was jailed for fighting racism in his country and we wanted him freed. The world wanted him freed. Even the white people! He must be a great man! Every kid needs a hero and I had found mine. “Free Mandela!”. I too picked up the chant. “End Apartheid!” I started chanting long before…
On the radio today, the question was asked, “What is the worst gift to buy for a woman?” One listener, a female, said that unless the guy is 100% sure of the size, clothes are a no-no. If it’s too big, they see it as sending the message that they are fat. Too small says that they need to lose a few pounds to fit into the dress. And here was I thinking that buying it a size or two smaller would be flattering… I would expect to be greeted with, ‘Awww, Honey, you actually thought I was a size two?” You aren’t?
Kitchen utensils and appliances were also ranked high on the not-to-buy list. So don’t get her that fancy set of pots you had your eyes set on, and forget the ice-making fridge too. I really can’t see why any woman would not be excited to get a …
First let me say that my thoughts are prayers go out to the people of the Philipines devastated by the monster typhoon this weekend. I can’t imagine your pain and loss.
While following this news, I watched videos of reporters reporting from the heart of the devastation. It made me wonder, how come these news people are always in the centre of trouble but rarely, if ever, get hurts? Afghanistan, smack dab in the middle of the Taliban war, Iraq war with bombs dropping all around, Hurricane Katrina, you name it, they are right in the middle of it and while reporting live, look none the worst for wear. Makeup done right, dressed neat, even in high winds and rain. I don’t know how they do it.
So I made a silent vow while I watched the coverage of the typhoon. In the event of a war or life threatening disaster, I am going to find the closest news reporter and stick to her like glue. Yes, I hope it’s a ‘her’. I’ll go to hell with a news reporter at my side and I’ll fear no evil for she’s with me. Her Mike and her notes will comfort me.
From the fiery pits of Hell, this is Inez Sainz reporting. Hey! Excuse me! Why are you clinging to me? Get off me! You are cramping my style.
Man, times they are a changing. Do you remember the good old days when it was not only acceptable but recommended for strangers to touch a woman’s belly when she was pregnant? No? hmm…It never was? Well anyways, did you know that women aren’t down with that anymore? I didn’t either. I thought it was still acceptable for strangers to get up close and personal with a woman they have never seen before. Are you sure it never used to be?
I found how the hard way yesterday while waiting at the bus stop. An obviously pregnant young lady sat beside me on the bench and I, being the nice person I am, decided to show her my feminine side. I put my ear to her stomach while placing a hand on top of her baby-filled stomach. No need to ask permission, everyone’s doing it. “Can’t hear the cute one yet. How far along are we?”
And that’s when everything exploded in a verbiage of insults. “What the eff are you doing? You effing creep! I am not pregnant! Are you calling me fat? Why are you touching me? Your sick mother effer! I should call the cops!” Plus taxes and handling.
I managed to stammer an unaccepted apology and ran away red-faced. There was no way I was going to sit in the same bus with that irate woman. Baby or no baby. Plus, I didn’t relish the idea of being dragged off a bus by the police for sexual harassment.
Ok, I admit, I am a chronic liar and the above story never took place. So what? It could very well have happened. So I hope you learned something from this. DO NOT ASSUME THAT EVERY WOMAN WITH A GUT IS PREGNANT. (You are welcome, Rihanna). AND IT IS NEVER POLITE TO RUB THE BELLY OF STRANGERS, PREGNANT OR OTHERWISE. THEY ARE NOT BUDDHAS.
Some women can be so sensitive when they are pregnant…
I am so excited right now that I could hardly contain myself. I just received the following email:
Re: Dear Beloved in Christ,I am Mrs.Mary Parker an aging widow suffering from long time illness. I have some funds I inherited from my late husband, the sum of 7.5 Million Pounds and I needed a very honest and God fearing Christian that will use the fund for God’s work, I found your email address from the internet and decided to contact you. Please if you would be able to use the funds for the Lord’s work, kindly reply me at email@example.com Yours in the Lord. Mrs.Mary Parker.
I had to reply right away in case she changed her mind. Here is a copy of my response to this kind woman. (Is this what a philanthropist is?)
Dear Mrs. Parker, or can I call you Mary? As a hard-working man with a…
Stop this crazy bus, I want to get off! Just when you thought it was safe to go out as the crazies were gone, here comes another dumb and even stupider internet craze, Milking.
Milking is apparently the new internet craze developed by bored students. The same students came up with Planking and Owling. Remember those? They were equally dumb, weren’t they?
So anyways, you know what I think? You don’t care? I’m gonna tell you whether you care or not. I think that the aliens have already landed without us knowing. Think about all those sightings that have been reported around the world. They had to land somewhere. They came and they have switched bodies with a few of us. Well maybe not exactly ‘us’ but University students because they thought they would be smarter than us but the joke’s on them. The stupidest people are found in places of higher learning.
Aliens at work
I am not done yet. So these self-same aliens are using the students to do dumb things like planking, owling, milking, hazing and stupid stuff like that. Don’t blame the students, their minds have been taken over. Trust me, I have researched this extensively. The aliens are to blame! That’s what I think at least. You really think this cute girl jumped up on her dresser just cuz? Look at her face, she seems like she’s fighting a mental battle with the alien for possession of her mind. Poor girl. Or maybe in her confusion, she mistook the dresser for the toilet. Oh my!
Cute Alien Owling
Know what else I think? I think that the world is really going to end on December 21st. Oh yes. It will. Know why? Cuz all this stupidity and alien takeovers have to end somewhere. We can’t milk it forever.
So there you have it, I blame it all on the Aliens. Come on, how else can civilized people act so darn dumb? Hello, we have smart phones and shit.
And it goes to show being in University does not necessarily means you are smart, right? Ok maybe half and half or 2% smart.
See you later, gotta go get me some milk for me head cereal.