How The Heck Do You Do That?

Does this only happen to me? I write a blog and my finger has barely lifted off the key after clicking on ‘Publish’ when my notification button lights up.  I have a like. A like? How could anyone like it already? I don’t care how fast you could read there’s no way in hell you could have read what I just wrote. So what’s the deal?

After being confused for too long, I decided to click on some of these ‘likers’ to see what they were about. I found out something strange. Most, if not all of them were blogs relating to something that needed an audience.  Books, videos, sales stuff. Hmm…so that’s how they draw people in.

Before you click that ‘like’ button, please read my damn blog and see if it’s even likeable.  Don’t pad my stats.  You feelin me?

Like THAT!

Basic Blogging Tips For Newbies

Blog Machine

Blog Machine (Photo credit: digitalrob70)

So you want to blog eh? Hmm…ok, what is your main goal? Do you want lots of likes and followers or you don’t give a damn? Maybe you just like to get your thoughts and ideas out there. Well you came to the right place, I’m a gonna break it all down for ya’ll…

First, decide what the hell you want to do before you get into this blogging thing.  Don’t write a few posts only to realize it’s not your thing or you have no time to blog, not even once a month.  The web is already over littered with half-finished blogs like my kids’ plates after dinner, don’t add yours to the list.  Ok, glad we had this conversation. Phew!

If you decide that you want to use your blog just to air your thoughts, then listen up.  When I started blogging, I had no intentions of sharing them with anyone.  At least not anyone I know. I was able to blog more freely not knowing or caring who my readers were. If I wanted to blog about gays, I didn’t have to worry that I would hurt my gay friends. I could air my honest opinion on topics without feeling bad that someone I know could take it personal. Then I added people I know.  And that’s when my blogging change. I started over thinking.

So it’s up to you.  Now about schedule.  The blogging experts will tell you that you should set up a schedule and stick to it.  Be it once a week, month, whatever.  I would say no way to that.  Sticking to a regular schedule sometimes forces you to write weak blogs for the sake of writing.  Trust me, if someone likes your blogs, they don’t care if you write once a week or once a month.  Tell the experts I said that.

There’s more but I really don’t have time to get into detail. One last thing though, don’t write too much.  As they say, “shit or get off the pot.”  Meaning, don’t run on and on and on.  It’s not going to make one bit of difference. Well it might get people to seek shorter blogs somewhere else.  I have seen a blog where the blogger had the one word ‘Aaaahhhh’ or something like that and guess what?  People actually liked it!  Quite of few people!  So just write the darn thing and don’t be a pussy!

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I Am Not A Real Blogger But You Can Still Follow Me

Blog Machine

Blog Machine (Photo credit: digitalrob70)

I have a confession.  Some of you might already know this. Wait for it…I am not a real blogger.  Far from.  I read and follow real bloggers, like Katie from sassandbalderdash (my fave) and I’m nothing like them.  I just enjoying making fun of things and people and spit it out like I would say it. No frills, no gimmicks.

A real blogger cares about how their blogs look, how their widgets, whatever that is, stand out on their page.  A real blogger spends time creating the perfect blog aimed at getting maximum read.  I don’t really give two hoots.  I just write the damn things that come to my crazy head.  I make no apologies. You like it or you hate it.

If you sometimes come across some misspelled words, I apologize as I take my spelling very seriously.  If I mangle the Queen’s English and make a mockery of the language, it’s mostly intentional.  If it’s not, I just failed to proofread.  If my blog goes on and on, I am not sorry, that’s how I get when I’m excited and can’t wait to spit it out.  It all comes out a bubbling verbal mass.  Ala verbal diarrhea.

So you see, I am not a bonafide blogger.  I don’t have a target audience, do I even have an audience?  I don’t have a regular schedule. Do I have a schedule to talk about anything I want to talk about?

I regret to inform you that I am not a real blogger.  I don’t really regret but that’s the proper way of saying it.  Follow me at your own peril but don’t expect anything from me that only real bloggers can deliver.

Damn! I wish I were a real blogger…

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Wacky Wednesday: Fifty Shades Of What?

th-2Say what? They are planning on making a movie based on the book ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’?  Well I don’t know too much about that book except from what I got from peering over my wife’s shoulder as she read it.  Oh, and from the snippets of information she kept passing to me. (Like I care), Oh, and from those times I actually picked it up when she wasn’t home and skim-read it.  It was just porn in written form, that’s it that’s all.  Oh and badly written to boot.  What’s to make a movie of?  No! Of course I’m not jealous!  What’s there to be jealous of?  Mr. Grey?  Gimme a break, he’s fictitious! Who cares if that hunk Charlie Hunman (Jax from Sons of Anarchy), is cast to play  the role of the over-sexed Christian Grey? It’s still dumb! Good thing he changed his mind and wanted nothing to do with this joke.

Ok, let’s pretend for a minute that I am a married middle-aged, sex-starved woman who ate the book up like a cop at a doughnut buffet.  I know it’s make belief but my mind has conjured up this larger-than-life picture of Christian.  He’s as hot as they come and he could fulfil my wildest sexual desire at anytime.  Oh yeah! Bring it on Mr. Grey! You hot hunk of burning love!  Now, how do I react to hearing that my favorite book of all time is coming to a theatre next to me?  Hmm, maybe I would be coming in a theatre next to you…Sorry for that juicy tidbit.

Ugh! ok, you can stop pretending now.  Back to reality here people! There are way better books out there that are way more movie worthy.  So why not them? Why this garbage? Sorry ladies, it. is. garbage.  Plain and simple. Nothing else. And no, for the last time, I AM NOT JEALOUS!!! If you ask me, it’s just a cheap reason for housewives to read and watch porn without the guilt.  And you dare call me a dirty man for reading Hustler and Playboy? (For the records, I don’t).

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I’ll let  you in on a little secret, there are way better erotic movies out there that can get your juices flowing, if you know what I mean. As a matter of fact, just last week, me and the wife rented a movie called…wait a minute! It’s none of your business.

What If God Tags Me And I Miss It?

imagesToday, while browsing the internet, I preached to my nephew about how bad it was.  Laughing, he asked why I was on the net if I thought it was so bad.  “I have to.  It’s where everyone is.”

Now consider this.  Everyone’s hopping on the social train.  Our grandparents are doing it.  No, not that, internet and social media.  Because it’s so popular and everyone could be found on one social network or another, what if God decides that to get the attention of the masses, he would use Twitter to announce his second coming?  And what if he tags people?  What if he tags me and because I didn’t have Twitter, I missed it?!  It’s unthinkable! And that’s why I got my ass a Twitter account.

And an iPad too.  And an Android to cover my bases.  I would not want to miss a Heavenly announcement because of incompatibility.  Could you just imagine.  I will be arriving soon. @Eggman, @BloggerB @sassandbalderdash @Kate?  Kate would be sure to catch it right away because she’s plugged in, too bad she’s an atheist though, she would just see it as a bloggable topic. But me, yes me, I would be left in the cold. Sorry God, I didn’t have Twitter.  Why didn’t you just use Facebook?  You could have tagged me there too. What? Too much  drama? But so is Twit…nevermind, you are GOD.

So while I sit here blogging, I have a Facebook and a Twitter tab opened.  Close by rest my iPad and Android phone.  Am I missing anything?  Oh, I have a smart tv and blu ray also. If God watches a show on Netflix, I would know right away.  I am ready baby.  Go ahead God, tweet away!  I hope he doesn’t post pics on Instagram.  I don’t have that yet.

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One Award Down, A Few More To Go!

versatile-bloggerMy blog pal over at bekkysworld has nominated me as a recipient of The Versatile Blogger Award!  I am touched that someone actually thinks that my brain droppings would be deserving of any award.  I know I have a funny and distinct writing style that begs to be read and I also try and stay true to my blogs and not pretend or misrepresent how I really feel, but still…An award? Versatile blogger? Me? No way! You didn’t Bekky! No Ms. Evans, say it ain’t so.

Ok, it is so and I am proud and glad at this moment to accept this thing award.  I will put it on my mantle piece…oh wait, what?  It’s not an actual thing? Not tangible?  Then Bekky, could you please tell me how the heck I am supposed to show it off to my mom and the rest of my non-blog-educated family?  You gave me an award that I can’t even show to anyone?  Well again, thanks a lot, Ms. Evans!  And to boot, you want me to write 7 things about myself?  You don’t ask for much now, do you?  Well here goes…

1.  I am a performer who suffers serious anxiety when I have to perform.  (Not in bed, silly ass!)

2.  My favorite food is pizza and I love pizza hut.

3.  LIke that Bekky from bekkysworld, I love to read.  I also write poetry and songs

4.  I am a Christian

5.  I take personal delight in getting a like and/or a follow on my blogs.  I get a high that lasts for hours.

6. If I could be someone else and somewhere else, guess what? I would choose to be me and be right here. Boring eh?

7.  Humor is extremely important to me and I enjoy seeing people happy and laughing.  I enjoy that even more than getting a like or a follow.  So smile today and make me happy.

And now I must nominate some other deserving bloggers.  My picks are:

sassandbalderdash

clownonfire

littlemisswordy

myvuze

baconandjackrussells

Note:  If the nominees are unable to accept their awards, a proxy could be assigned.  If nominees still fail or refuse to be a part of this reputable award, then they could go and um..er…ahm…write a blog or something!