How The Heck Do You Do That?

Does this only happen to me? I write a blog and my finger has barely lifted off the key after clicking on ‘Publish’ when my notification button lights up.  I have a like. A like? How could anyone like it already? I don’t care how fast you could read there’s no way in hell you could have read what I just wrote. So what’s the deal?

After being confused for too long, I decided to click on some of these ‘likers’ to see what they were about. I found out something strange. Most, if not all of them were blogs relating to something that needed an audience.  Books, videos, sales stuff. Hmm…so that’s how they draw people in.

Before you click that ‘like’ button, please read my damn blog and see if it’s even likeable.  Don’t pad my stats.  You feelin me?

Like THAT!

Basic Blogging Tips For Newbies

Blog Machine

Blog Machine (Photo credit: digitalrob70)

So you want to blog eh? Hmm…ok, what is your main goal? Do you want lots of likes and followers or you don’t give a damn? Maybe you just like to get your thoughts and ideas out there. Well you came to the right place, I’m a gonna break it all down for ya’ll…

First, decide what the hell you want to do before you get into this blogging thing.  Don’t write a few posts only to realize it’s not your thing or you have no time to blog, not even once a month.  The web is already over littered with half-finished blogs like my kids’ plates after dinner, don’t add yours to the list.  Ok, glad we had this conversation. Phew!

If you decide that you want to use your blog just to air your thoughts, then listen up.  When I started blogging, I had no intentions of sharing them with anyone.  At least not anyone I know. I was able to blog more freely not knowing or caring who my readers were. If I wanted to blog about gays, I didn’t have to worry that I would hurt my gay friends. I could air my honest opinion on topics without feeling bad that someone I know could take it personal. Then I added people I know.  And that’s when my blogging change. I started over thinking.

So it’s up to you.  Now about schedule.  The blogging experts will tell you that you should set up a schedule and stick to it.  Be it once a week, month, whatever.  I would say no way to that.  Sticking to a regular schedule sometimes forces you to write weak blogs for the sake of writing.  Trust me, if someone likes your blogs, they don’t care if you write once a week or once a month.  Tell the experts I said that.

There’s more but I really don’t have time to get into detail. One last thing though, don’t write too much.  As they say, “shit or get off the pot.”  Meaning, don’t run on and on and on.  It’s not going to make one bit of difference. Well it might get people to seek shorter blogs somewhere else.  I have seen a blog where the blogger had the one word ‘Aaaahhhh’ or something like that and guess what?  People actually liked it!  Quite of few people!  So just write the darn thing and don’t be a pussy!

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I Am Not A Real Blogger But You Can Still Follow Me

Blog Machine

Blog Machine (Photo credit: digitalrob70)

I have a confession.  Some of you might already know this. Wait for it…I am not a real blogger.  Far from.  I read and follow real bloggers, like Katie from sassandbalderdash (my fave) and I’m nothing like them.  I just enjoying making fun of things and people and spit it out like I would say it. No frills, no gimmicks.

A real blogger cares about how their blogs look, how their widgets, whatever that is, stand out on their page.  A real blogger spends time creating the perfect blog aimed at getting maximum read.  I don’t really give two hoots.  I just write the damn things that come to my crazy head.  I make no apologies. You like it or you hate it.

If you sometimes come across some misspelled words, I apologize as I take my spelling very seriously.  If I mangle the Queen’s English and make a mockery of the language, it’s mostly intentional.  If it’s not, I just failed to proofread.  If my blog goes on and on, I am not sorry, that’s how I get when I’m excited and can’t wait to spit it out.  It all comes out a bubbling verbal mass.  Ala verbal diarrhea.

So you see, I am not a bonafide blogger.  I don’t have a target audience, do I even have an audience?  I don’t have a regular schedule. Do I have a schedule to talk about anything I want to talk about?

I regret to inform you that I am not a real blogger.  I don’t really regret but that’s the proper way of saying it.  Follow me at your own peril but don’t expect anything from me that only real bloggers can deliver.

Damn! I wish I were a real blogger…

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What If God Tags Me And I Miss It?

imagesToday, while browsing the internet, I preached to my nephew about how bad it was.  Laughing, he asked why I was on the net if I thought it was so bad.  “I have to.  It’s where everyone is.”

Now consider this.  Everyone’s hopping on the social train.  Our grandparents are doing it.  No, not that, internet and social media.  Because it’s so popular and everyone could be found on one social network or another, what if God decides that to get the attention of the masses, he would use Twitter to announce his second coming?  And what if he tags people?  What if he tags me and because I didn’t have Twitter, I missed it?!  It’s unthinkable! And that’s why I got my ass a Twitter account.

And an iPad too.  And an Android to cover my bases.  I would not want to miss a Heavenly announcement because of incompatibility.  Could you just imagine.  I will be arriving soon. @Eggman, @BloggerB @sassandbalderdash @Kate?  Kate would be sure to catch it right away because she’s plugged in, too bad she’s an atheist though, she would just see it as a bloggable topic. But me, yes me, I would be left in the cold. Sorry God, I didn’t have Twitter.  Why didn’t you just use Facebook?  You could have tagged me there too. What? Too much  drama? But so is Twit…nevermind, you are GOD.

So while I sit here blogging, I have a Facebook and a Twitter tab opened.  Close by rest my iPad and Android phone.  Am I missing anything?  Oh, I have a smart tv and blu ray also. If God watches a show on Netflix, I would know right away.  I am ready baby.  Go ahead God, tweet away!  I hope he doesn’t post pics on Instagram.  I don’t have that yet.

images2

One Award Down, A Few More To Go!

versatile-bloggerMy blog pal over at bekkysworld has nominated me as a recipient of The Versatile Blogger Award!  I am touched that someone actually thinks that my brain droppings would be deserving of any award.  I know I have a funny and distinct writing style that begs to be read and I also try and stay true to my blogs and not pretend or misrepresent how I really feel, but still…An award? Versatile blogger? Me? No way! You didn’t Bekky! No Ms. Evans, say it ain’t so.

Ok, it is so and I am proud and glad at this moment to accept this thing award.  I will put it on my mantle piece…oh wait, what?  It’s not an actual thing? Not tangible?  Then Bekky, could you please tell me how the heck I am supposed to show it off to my mom and the rest of my non-blog-educated family?  You gave me an award that I can’t even show to anyone?  Well again, thanks a lot, Ms. Evans!  And to boot, you want me to write 7 things about myself?  You don’t ask for much now, do you?  Well here goes…

1.  I am a performer who suffers serious anxiety when I have to perform.  (Not in bed, silly ass!)

2.  My favorite food is pizza and I love pizza hut.

3.  LIke that Bekky from bekkysworld, I love to read.  I also write poetry and songs

4.  I am a Christian

5.  I take personal delight in getting a like and/or a follow on my blogs.  I get a high that lasts for hours.

6. If I could be someone else and somewhere else, guess what? I would choose to be me and be right here. Boring eh?

7.  Humor is extremely important to me and I enjoy seeing people happy and laughing.  I enjoy that even more than getting a like or a follow.  So smile today and make me happy.

And now I must nominate some other deserving bloggers.  My picks are:

sassandbalderdash

clownonfire

littlemisswordy

myvuze

baconandjackrussells

Note:  If the nominees are unable to accept their awards, a proxy could be assigned.  If nominees still fail or refuse to be a part of this reputable award, then they could go and um..er…ahm…write a blog or something!

No More Sex!

English: Mariah Carey performing live in Las Vegas

English: Mariah Carey performing live in Las Vegas (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Did you know that if your blog contains sexually explicit material it would show up on the new blogs page? Yup, I read it myself.  I was not too happy when I found this out because a lot of the posts on Funny Side Up are sexual in nature.  Accidentally of course.

When I found out this bit of information, my first thought was, “What? There’s goes my chance of being Freshly Pressed.  If my blog gets pushed aside because of sexual innuendos, how would anyone find it?.”  Because I’m all about being FP, I have now decided to stay on the straight and narrow.  No more alluding to sex.  No porny talk.  Family friendly here I come!  Talking about come… Oops, never you mind!

So starting immediately, I am going to keep it clean and family friendly. I am going to make a case for Freshly Pressed consideration.  If a celebrity was caught with their pants down literally, you won’t hear about it from me. If Rihanna shows her crotch or Miley has a nipple slip, you can find that out on your own.  Even if my girl Mariah has a wardrobe malfunction, I won’t touch it.  The topic I mean…I am done being the potty-mouth one.

To you my loyal followers, I apologize for switching gears in midstream but being Freshly Pressed is very important to me.  As you can see, even more important than sex.

So, what do you want to talk about?

Accidental Porn

Deutsch: High-Key-Aktfoto

Deutsch: High-Key-Aktfoto (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This morning, I read one of the most interesting blogs I have read in a while.  It was from my new-best-blogger-friend Katie from sassandbalderdash.com.  (Keep this between us as she doesn’t know this yet).  Her post was about accidental catching a glimpse of another female’s posterior while in her gym’s locker room.  It was aptly called Accidental Ass Gazing.

From the topic and after the first paragraph, I was fully expecting to read about Katie’s eyes accidentally finding rest on a man’s behind.  I was pleasantly surprised and happy that it wasn’t.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that…but I wasn’t in the mood.

I am a self-confessed ass-man.  I love butts.  Female butts.  I worship butts.  I love them so much that I would gladly point out a guy with a great butt to my wife and she would do the same.  If my wife were to catch a glimpse of a perfectly shaped posterior, she would come home with, “I saw the best ass at the gym today.  You would have loved it.” And she would be right.  I would have loved it indeed.  It has nothing to do with sex although it does help something to do with sex.  I like nice butts and I cannot lie.

Anyways, Accidental Ass Gazing was so well written with vivid descriptions of a perfect ass, girl slowly stripping…that I felt a stirring in my loins.  Sorry Katie, it’s not you.  I just wanted to pee, that’s all. Unlike some of the other guys who commented and told Katie that it sounded like it could very well have been the intro to a lesbian porn.  I didn’t think so at all.  Other than the stirring, I didn’t for one second harbor any sexual thoughts. Seriously!  Even when she wrote, “So I stripped to my tank top, and then I started to unbutton my pants…” I hardly reacted.  Hardly. My pulse didn’t quicken in eager anticipation and my breathing remained even.  I even read it a few times over to make sure.  Nope.   Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Cold as a dead herring.

Katie seemed a bit rebuffed by the insinuations that her innocent gym blog was soft pornish in nature.  She said it was an insult as she could done a better job if she had intended it to be.  Still waiting Katie…how about ’50 shades of something’? 

Blog Tip: Don’t Over Thunk It

Believe it or not I have the ability to write self-help blogs.  Yep, I seriously do.  I don’t always write about sex and funny stuff.  Take this blog for instance.  I am about to write a tip on how to get a good blog out there.  This one is good for the new bloggers especially.

Now, one common mistake bloggers, especially new bloggers, make is over thinking their content.  Is it too long? Not enough or too much detail?  More time is spent thinking about than actually writing it.

Well hear this, follow your mind when it comes to blogging.  Unless you are getting paid to blog, don’t let it stress you out.  Just get it all out and make sure it makes sense and you should be ok.   I

I used to be like that for a long time.  I draft a blog and think, “Is this good enough to get readers’ attention?” Then you know what I realised?  I realised that the blogs I wrote without thinking too much about, were the ones that actually garnered the most likes.  I would look in disbelief as the blog I thought would be my most popular blog, barely get noticed.

There!  My tip for the day.  Just let it out and don’t over thunk it.  You will be fine, trust me.  I am.

Happy New Year

It just won’t be cool if I don’t write a Happy New Year blog to you my readers.  I haven’t been around for a bit as I was too consumed with consuming whatever the holiday season offered.

I want to wish you all the best this year.  I hope you stay healthy and for those who are sick, I hope you get better.  I thank you all for dropping by last year and reading, commenting and liking my scrambled blogs.  I planned on giving you some more funny side up this year, so stick around.

And for now, that’s all I wanted to say.  Happy New Year to you and yours!

 

What Facebook Statuses,Comments And Likes Really Mean

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image via CrunchBase

So Beverly is having relationship issues.  Well her man dumped her like last week’s garbage.  After first crying on her bff’s shoulder,  she immediately goes on Facebook and writes, *Sigh*.  That’s it, that’s all.  Just ‘sigh’.  Judy, who is the bff mentioned earlier, comments within a minute. “Sorry hon.  Hugs. We should go drinking soon.”  Now don’t be fooled by Judy’s sympathetic comments.  What Judy really means is “Shit Beverly, that’s three guys this year alone! Maybe the problem is you.  Maybe you should quit picking up guys at the bars.  My mom thinks you are a whore.”

Did you noticed that even though Beverly’s status did not mention that she was having a specific problem, Judy made sure that everyone would know Beverly was having a rough time but she did it in a sly way.  Nice friend.

Now how about this one…Let’s say you, yeah  you,  got a promotion at work. (Undeservedly of course but good thing it’s just an example) You being the Facebook addict you are and starving for attention, brags about it on  your status. “Got a big promotion at work!  Woot! Woot!”  Tony, your buddy, adds his two cents.  “Yeah buddy! Congrats!”  He works with you so what he is really  saying is, “Nice! You got the job while I sit and grow old in my dead-end position. Just dandy.  Asshole!”  Nice friend.

“Our baby has arrived!” is a popular status on Facebook posted by freshly minted parents and “Congrats” is the natural response.  Some of those congrats actually mean, “Another effing baby??  Aren’t you on welfare? How the hell do you afford to get pregnant every Monday morning?  Must be nice to be able to sit on your ass and get pregnant while some of us work!” I tell you folks, do not take these comments at face value.

Ever wondered why some people feel the need to post a status like, “Having so much fun here in Jamaica.  Hubby and I are just sitting on the beach sipping on margaritas.”  Oh really? sounds wonderfully romantic.  What that status really means is, “Oh how I wish I could get a piece of that black Rasta waiter.  My husband is boring and he’s getting fat.  At least this is a good spot to check out the Jamaicans.

The people who clicked on the  ‘like’ button are actually thinking,  “If you are having so much fun, why are you on your damn phone?  Is Hubby that boring?” or  “Fun my ass!  Wait a minute!  Didnt’ even know you were married!” Some are less rude and are simply thinking, “ I am so jealous.”  Nice friend.

Last scenario.  Betsy is proud of her accomplishments. She has lost 10 pounds in the last month, or so she claims.  “Woo hoo! Down 10 pounds in 4 weeks!” Brags her status.  Betsy also posts a photo of her ‘new’ look and even though you gave it your best shot, you can’t tell the difference.  Do you think her other friends can because their comments are,  “You go girl! Looking damn good!” and “Hottie!”  Come on now, we all know they are lying and actually mean, “Sorry hon, can hardly notice it but if you say so.”  Or even, “What??  You lost 10 pounds my ass!

Betsy, ok let’s change Betsy, she’s had enough.  Mike, uploads a photo of himself.  He looks like crap. Unshaven, tired or has a hangover but he’s smiling.  Instead of maintaining their silence, his fake friends comments are, “Nice look. Loving the beard.”  and “Cute pic.”  No one would actually say what they are really thinking.  “Mike buddy, you really should clean yourself up before you go public with a pic like that.  Not looking good buddy.”  Or, “Hahaha, Mike you are brave to put that pic up.  You look like Grizzly Adams.”

Disclaimer:  The views expressed are not necessarily that of the blogger, no sir, they are those of the commenters and the likers on Facebook.  Bear in mind that not everyone has a hidden agenda and sometimes a comment is just that, a comment, and a like is genuinely liked.