Wacky Wednesday: Fifty Shades Of What?

th-2Say what? They are planning on making a movie based on the book ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’?  Well I don’t know too much about that book except from what I got from peering over my wife’s shoulder as she read it.  Oh, and from the snippets of information she kept passing to me. (Like I care), Oh, and from those times I actually picked it up when she wasn’t home and skim-read it.  It was just porn in written form, that’s it that’s all.  Oh and badly written to boot.  What’s to make a movie of?  No! Of course I’m not jealous!  What’s there to be jealous of?  Mr. Grey?  Gimme a break, he’s fictitious! Who cares if that hunk Charlie Hunman (Jax from Sons of Anarchy), is cast to play  the role of the over-sexed Christian Grey? It’s still dumb! Good thing he changed his mind and wanted nothing to do with this joke.

Ok, let’s pretend for a minute that I am a married middle-aged, sex-starved woman who ate the book up like a cop at a doughnut buffet.  I know it’s make belief but my mind has conjured up this larger-than-life picture of Christian.  He’s as hot as they come and he could fulfil my wildest sexual desire at anytime.  Oh yeah! Bring it on Mr. Grey! You hot hunk of burning love!  Now, how do I react to hearing that my favorite book of all time is coming to a theatre next to me?  Hmm, maybe I would be coming in a theatre next to you…Sorry for that juicy tidbit.

Ugh! ok, you can stop pretending now.  Back to reality here people! There are way better books out there that are way more movie worthy.  So why not them? Why this garbage? Sorry ladies, it. is. garbage.  Plain and simple. Nothing else. And no, for the last time, I AM NOT JEALOUS!!! If you ask me, it’s just a cheap reason for housewives to read and watch porn without the guilt.  And you dare call me a dirty man for reading Hustler and Playboy? (For the records, I don’t).

th-4

I’ll let  you in on a little secret, there are way better erotic movies out there that can get your juices flowing, if you know what I mean. As a matter of fact, just last week, me and the wife rented a movie called…wait a minute! It’s none of your business.

Fifty Shades Of Black

My wife just finished reading the book Fifty Shades Of Grey and I have just completed…nevermind.  None o’ yer bizness what I just completed.  But anyways she did read all the books that all the women are reading or have read.  Even my friends who are in none-ogamous relationships are getting their reads on.  I am not sure what they are going to do with the knowledge that great, crazy, fantastic, multiple-orgasm-inducing sex is out there to be had.  Sex toys sale just went through the roof, people!

From the running commentary that I was getting from my wife as she read, I realized that I am no Mr. Grey and won’t be anytime soon.  So instead, she’ll be getting Fifty Shades Of Black.  (I’m black, you got it?).   I admit, I did try to read a couple sentences.  Why not? Curiosity is my middle name.  It was a smorgasbord of sex! In all colors, not just grey.  Poorly written but reeking of sex, and sex sells.    And porn blogs get the hits.

This books were such a phenomenon that people were actually lending it to their moms to read after they were done.  I can’t imagine lending my mom anything that had the remotest link to sex.  Call me old fashioned but I don’t roll like that.  “Oh hey Mommy, I just finished reading this book that just about every other woman has read.  It has tons of crazy, wild sex.  This guy is insatiable, mommy. He gets this chick to be like his sex slave and she does whatever he wants.  Here, borrow it and we will discuss it when you are done with it.  Love you, mommy.‘  That sounded wrong on all fronts.  Heck, I shouldn’t have even got it for my wife.  But I did and must now face the consequences.

I have to run now, the wife is calling me from upstairs, scantily clad and dangling a pair of handcuffs…I’m so tired but must do what a man must do.  I’ll be right up, honey.  I’m just on the phone with your mom. We are discussing that book you just read.’