No More Sex!

English: Mariah Carey performing live in Las Vegas

English: Mariah Carey performing live in Las Vegas (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Did you know that if your blog contains sexually explicit material it would show up on the new blogs page? Yup, I read it myself.  I was not too happy when I found this out because a lot of the posts on Funny Side Up are sexual in nature.  Accidentally of course.

When I found out this bit of information, my first thought was, “What? There’s goes my chance of being Freshly Pressed.  If my blog gets pushed aside because of sexual innuendos, how would anyone find it?.”  Because I’m all about being FP, I have now decided to stay on the straight and narrow.  No more alluding to sex.  No porny talk.  Family friendly here I come!  Talking about come… Oops, never you mind!

So starting immediately, I am going to keep it clean and family friendly. I am going to make a case for Freshly Pressed consideration.  If a celebrity was caught with their pants down literally, you won’t hear about it from me. If Rihanna shows her crotch or Miley has a nipple slip, you can find that out on your own.  Even if my girl Mariah has a wardrobe malfunction, I won’t touch it.  The topic I mean…I am done being the potty-mouth one.

To you my loyal followers, I apologize for switching gears in midstream but being Freshly Pressed is very important to me.  As you can see, even more important than sex.

So, what do you want to talk about?

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Accidental Porn

Deutsch: High-Key-Aktfoto

Deutsch: High-Key-Aktfoto (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This morning, I read one of the most interesting blogs I have read in a while.  It was from my new-best-blogger-friend Katie from sassandbalderdash.com.  (Keep this between us as she doesn’t know this yet).  Her post was about accidental catching a glimpse of another female’s posterior while in her gym’s locker room.  It was aptly called Accidental Ass Gazing.

From the topic and after the first paragraph, I was fully expecting to read about Katie’s eyes accidentally finding rest on a man’s behind.  I was pleasantly surprised and happy that it wasn’t.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that…but I wasn’t in the mood.

I am a self-confessed ass-man.  I love butts.  Female butts.  I worship butts.  I love them so much that I would gladly point out a guy with a great butt to my wife and she would do the same.  If my wife were to catch a glimpse of a perfectly shaped posterior, she would come home with, “I saw the best ass at the gym today.  You would have loved it.” And she would be right.  I would have loved it indeed.  It has nothing to do with sex although it does help something to do with sex.  I like nice butts and I cannot lie.

Anyways, Accidental Ass Gazing was so well written with vivid descriptions of a perfect ass, girl slowly stripping…that I felt a stirring in my loins.  Sorry Katie, it’s not you.  I just wanted to pee, that’s all. Unlike some of the other guys who commented and told Katie that it sounded like it could very well have been the intro to a lesbian porn.  I didn’t think so at all.  Other than the stirring, I didn’t for one second harbor any sexual thoughts. Seriously!  Even when she wrote, “So I stripped to my tank top, and then I started to unbutton my pants…” I hardly reacted.  Hardly. My pulse didn’t quicken in eager anticipation and my breathing remained even.  I even read it a few times over to make sure.  Nope.   Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Cold as a dead herring.

Katie seemed a bit rebuffed by the insinuations that her innocent gym blog was soft pornish in nature.  She said it was an insult as she could done a better job if she had intended it to be.  Still waiting Katie…how about ’50 shades of something’? 

Blog Tip: Don’t Over Thunk It

Believe it or not I have the ability to write self-help blogs.  Yep, I seriously do.  I don’t always write about sex and funny stuff.  Take this blog for instance.  I am about to write a tip on how to get a good blog out there.  This one is good for the new bloggers especially.

Now, one common mistake bloggers, especially new bloggers, make is over thinking their content.  Is it too long? Not enough or too much detail?  More time is spent thinking about than actually writing it.

Well hear this, follow your mind when it comes to blogging.  Unless you are getting paid to blog, don’t let it stress you out.  Just get it all out and make sure it makes sense and you should be ok.   I

I used to be like that for a long time.  I draft a blog and think, “Is this good enough to get readers’ attention?” Then you know what I realised?  I realised that the blogs I wrote without thinking too much about, were the ones that actually garnered the most likes.  I would look in disbelief as the blog I thought would be my most popular blog, barely get noticed.

There!  My tip for the day.  Just let it out and don’t over thunk it.  You will be fine, trust me.  I am.

The Mysterious Woman At The Freshly Pressed Coffee House and Restaurant

IMG00074-20100801-1906Everyone at The Freshly Pressed Coffee House and Restaurant turned to look.  Some stared without apology.  I didn’t.  I couldn’t.  I looked up casually and went back to my work.  I was perched on a weathered looking chair at a crooked and unpainted table in a corner of the coffee shop area.  From my vantage point, I could see who was entering or leaving and that’s how I saw her enter.  I was on a mission and couldn’t be derailed by the sight of a woman.  I was intent on writing THAT blog.  The big one.  The one that would get my name up there with the pros. This woman would not rob me of this opportunity!

The Freshly Pressed Coffee Shop and Restaurant is far from being an upscale restaurant.  The decor is limited and consists of wooden tables covered by white and cheap looking tablecloths.  The chairs are not comfortable.  Hardwood floors looked ready for a makeover. In fact, the entire restaurant screamed for a makeover.  With its dimly lit interior, you really needed the coffee to keep you awake, unless you kept awake by blogging about something interesting.  The lingering aroma of every different blend of coffee hangs in the air mixed with whatever food was hot out of the kitchen.  Despite what it didn’t have going for it, it was invitingly warm and cozy and the atmosphere was very welcoming.  It had a homely feel to it and that’s why I chose to blog here.  It was my Eden.  My little niche was situated in the farthest and darkest corner.  From my vantage point, I could the comings and goings but usually don’t.

From the corner of my eye I saw the woman make a bee line for the table right next to mine.  I smelled her perfume before she was close enough to fully drink her in.  Liz Taylor perfume? No, too young. She was only about 30 was my guess and a stunner!  A definite head turner.  Now it was my turn to stare at the thing of beauty.  Kate Hudson and Jessica Alba all rolled into one.  Her long blonde hair flowed orderly down the nape of her neck which had a red silk scarf hanging loosely around it.  She wore a low-necked black blouse complemented by a hip-hugging and contour-revealing black skirt that flirted with the top of her knees.  Black leather boots came up her long legs.  Her face was angelic.  Brushed with a light touch of makeup and a hint of lipstick on her pouty lips.  I also noticed that she wore no wedding band.  In fact, her long and well manicured fingers were bare.  Not that it would have made a difference to me.  She was out of my league.  Plus I was a married blogger.  In love with this mysterious but beautiful woman whose peach-like lips opened up partly to reveal her magnificent pearly whites in a smile.  She smiled at me!

Now where was I?

Happy New Year

It just won’t be cool if I don’t write a Happy New Year blog to you my readers.  I haven’t been around for a bit as I was too consumed with consuming whatever the holiday season offered.

I want to wish you all the best this year.  I hope you stay healthy and for those who are sick, I hope you get better.  I thank you all for dropping by last year and reading, commenting and liking my scrambled blogs.  I planned on giving you some more funny side up this year, so stick around.

And for now, that’s all I wanted to say.  Happy New Year to you and yours!

 

What Facebook Statuses,Comments And Likes Really Mean

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image via CrunchBase

So Beverly is having relationship issues.  Well her man dumped her like last week’s garbage.  After first crying on her bff’s shoulder,  she immediately goes on Facebook and writes, *Sigh*.  That’s it, that’s all.  Just ‘sigh’.  Judy, who is the bff mentioned earlier, comments within a minute. “Sorry hon.  Hugs. We should go drinking soon.”  Now don’t be fooled by Judy’s sympathetic comments.  What Judy really means is “Shit Beverly, that’s three guys this year alone! Maybe the problem is you.  Maybe you should quit picking up guys at the bars.  My mom thinks you are a whore.”

Did you noticed that even though Beverly’s status did not mention that she was having a specific problem, Judy made sure that everyone would know Beverly was having a rough time but she did it in a sly way.  Nice friend.

Now how about this one…Let’s say you, yeah  you,  got a promotion at work. (Undeservedly of course but good thing it’s just an example) You being the Facebook addict you are and starving for attention, brags about it on  your status. “Got a big promotion at work!  Woot! Woot!”  Tony, your buddy, adds his two cents.  “Yeah buddy! Congrats!”  He works with you so what he is really  saying is, “Nice! You got the job while I sit and grow old in my dead-end position. Just dandy.  Asshole!”  Nice friend.

“Our baby has arrived!” is a popular status on Facebook posted by freshly minted parents and “Congrats” is the natural response.  Some of those congrats actually mean, “Another effing baby??  Aren’t you on welfare? How the hell do you afford to get pregnant every Monday morning?  Must be nice to be able to sit on your ass and get pregnant while some of us work!” I tell you folks, do not take these comments at face value.

Ever wondered why some people feel the need to post a status like, “Having so much fun here in Jamaica.  Hubby and I are just sitting on the beach sipping on margaritas.”  Oh really? sounds wonderfully romantic.  What that status really means is, “Oh how I wish I could get a piece of that black Rasta waiter.  My husband is boring and he’s getting fat.  At least this is a good spot to check out the Jamaicans.

The people who clicked on the  ‘like’ button are actually thinking,  “If you are having so much fun, why are you on your damn phone?  Is Hubby that boring?” or  “Fun my ass!  Wait a minute!  Didnt’ even know you were married!” Some are less rude and are simply thinking, “ I am so jealous.”  Nice friend.

Last scenario.  Betsy is proud of her accomplishments. She has lost 10 pounds in the last month, or so she claims.  “Woo hoo! Down 10 pounds in 4 weeks!” Brags her status.  Betsy also posts a photo of her ‘new’ look and even though you gave it your best shot, you can’t tell the difference.  Do you think her other friends can because their comments are,  “You go girl! Looking damn good!” and “Hottie!”  Come on now, we all know they are lying and actually mean, “Sorry hon, can hardly notice it but if you say so.”  Or even, “What??  You lost 10 pounds my ass!

Betsy, ok let’s change Betsy, she’s had enough.  Mike, uploads a photo of himself.  He looks like crap. Unshaven, tired or has a hangover but he’s smiling.  Instead of maintaining their silence, his fake friends comments are, “Nice look. Loving the beard.”  and “Cute pic.”  No one would actually say what they are really thinking.  “Mike buddy, you really should clean yourself up before you go public with a pic like that.  Not looking good buddy.”  Or, “Hahaha, Mike you are brave to put that pic up.  You look like Grizzly Adams.”

Disclaimer:  The views expressed are not necessarily that of the blogger, no sir, they are those of the commenters and the likers on Facebook.  Bear in mind that not everyone has a hidden agenda and sometimes a comment is just that, a comment, and a like is genuinely liked.

Why I have another blog

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde po...

I started blogging just over a year ago.  It was a private affair that later turned into an ‘invite only’.  I wasn’t keen on everyone reading my thoughts.  After a couple of months and some urging from friends and family, I went fully public.  I must confess, it wasn’t an easy thing for me.  I am usually a very private person when it comes to my thoughts.  I am more a listener than a talker.  (Ok, maybe I feared the criticism too).

Going public was great for stats.  (I shared my blogs on Facebook, Twitter and other sites).  I watched as my followers and daily views increased.  it was fun! Then I realized something.  My writing had changed.  I was now second guessing each blog and its contents.  What would this person say when she reads this?  Oh, I can’t write this. I have a friend with this issue and they will think I’m writing about them.  Would my friends like this one? They are going to see me differently after reading this one.  It was as though I had lost the cloak of anonymity.  And so I started another blog.

With this blog, I regained my anonymous status.  It is public but I do not advertise it to my friends or family.  If they happen to find it on WP, they would not be able to make the connection.  A month ago, I had to show my wife a few of the blogs as I thought they were well written pieces.  She was unhappy that I had not bothered to tell her that I had a new blog.  I explained that I wanted a blog that I could feel free to write however and whatever I want.   I mean seriously, do I want my mom to read blogs about me trying not to have an erection on massage tables?  Of course not!  My mom and I don’t have that kind of relationship.

I have more fun writing funnysideupandscrambled than any of my other blogs.  It’s like a Jekyll and Hyde personality.   With this blog, you, yes you, are very lucky.  You get to see a side of me that has never before been revealed.  You see the side of me that only a bff would see.

And plain and simple, that’s why I have another blog.  Now go and explore it and come back often.