Manic Monday: Honey, I Cleaned The Toilets.

imagesI hope my wife is happy.  Why?  Because I cleaned the toilet. Not entirely but the most important spot, the bowl. Before you die in consternation wondering what’s the deal about  cleaning the throne, let me explain.

I have this thing about seeing shit stains in the toilet when I stand to tinkle.  You know those stubborn stains that no matter how you try to flush them they never disappear? They loiter around the bowl like zits on a teenager’s face.  Well I hate them. They irk me.  They are my pet peeve.  So when I pee, I used my tinkle like a fireman’s hose and hose it all off.  Shit stains be gone!

I usually walk out of that washroom as proud as a peacock, after admiring my handiwork before I exit. It’s so easy.  Men, if you are like me and hate seeing your porcelain throne desecrated, use what God gave you and give it a good hosing down.  Wave goodbye to those shitbits.

Last night I went to use the washroom and saw some remnants of the last worshipper’s visit. No problem, I’ll take care of that.  I aimed my stream directly on the stains.  Close to the rim, along the top, everywhere.  Before my bladder was completely empty, not a stain remained.  Success!  Now my wife would/should be very happy.

Sometimes if I’m in a good mood, I’ll even put my hose to good use at public washrooms. It’s not always a success story in those places as the stains are more than just stubborn, they are clingy, they are dogged. They are determined to stay put and there are lots of them!  Ever heard the saying there’s strength in numbers?

If I’m ever at your house and you noticed your toilet bowl is spotless when I leave, thank me later.  Just using my hose, ma’am.

Disclaimer: the above does not work on underwater stains.

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Friday Folly: Lost In The Loo

th (1)I wasn’t actually ‘lost’ per se.  I was kinda caught up in what I was doing.  No, not number too, even though that’s what people do when they go to the loo and spend a considerable amount of time in there.  Loo by the way, is an informal term for toilet.

Today, I paid unscheduled visit to the office toilet/bathroom/washroom/loo.  I had lots of work on my desk so I wasn’t intending to get too friendly with it.  Just in and out and back to work.  Well so much for that.  My short visit almost turned into a sleepover.  Someone who apparently had little on their desk, it being Friday and all, had taken the day’s newspaper to the bathroom and left it in there for the next visitor.  How nice! How thoughtful!

The mistake I made was to even spare a glance at the darn thing.  Next thing you know I was face deep in news, arts and sports.  Hockey scores, local crimes, latest fashion, food and entertainment, I took it all in as I sat on my porcelain throne.  My bare and ignored butt unaware of what was happening above deck. Totally clueless.

Oh, I even read the obits too! Yes I did.  As I finished up the last page, I realized that I was in my little private getaway for much too long.  Are they missing me out there?   I tossed the now  useless paper back where I found it, like a cheap and dirty hooker.  (Not that I have experience in that regard) then stumbled out into the light.  I looked back as I exited and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  Was it me or did I grow a beard while in there?  I seemed to have aged a bit also.  Even my co-workers didn’t look the same.  But that could all have been due to my eyes being out of focus.

What important lesson did I learn?  Shit or get off the pot.

I flushed and washed, in case you are wondering.

My Bathroom Getaway

My Bathroom Getaway