Psst! Guess Who’s Back?

Yes, me! See you soon!

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How The Heck Do You Do That?

Does this only happen to me? I write a blog and my finger has barely lifted off the key after clicking on ‘Publish’ when my notification button lights up.  I have a like. A like? How could anyone like it already? I don’t care how fast you could read there’s no way in hell you could have read what I just wrote. So what’s the deal?

After being confused for too long, I decided to click on some of these ‘likers’ to see what they were about. I found out something strange. Most, if not all of them were blogs relating to something that needed an audience.  Books, videos, sales stuff. Hmm…so that’s how they draw people in.

Before you click that ‘like’ button, please read my damn blog and see if it’s even likeable.  Don’t pad my stats.  You feelin me?

Like THAT!

I Am Not A Real Blogger But You Can Still Follow Me

Blog Machine

Blog Machine (Photo credit: digitalrob70)

I have a confession.  Some of you might already know this. Wait for it…I am not a real blogger.  Far from.  I read and follow real bloggers, like Katie from sassandbalderdash (my fave) and I’m nothing like them.  I just enjoying making fun of things and people and spit it out like I would say it. No frills, no gimmicks.

A real blogger cares about how their blogs look, how their widgets, whatever that is, stand out on their page.  A real blogger spends time creating the perfect blog aimed at getting maximum read.  I don’t really give two hoots.  I just write the damn things that come to my crazy head.  I make no apologies. You like it or you hate it.

If you sometimes come across some misspelled words, I apologize as I take my spelling very seriously.  If I mangle the Queen’s English and make a mockery of the language, it’s mostly intentional.  If it’s not, I just failed to proofread.  If my blog goes on and on, I am not sorry, that’s how I get when I’m excited and can’t wait to spit it out.  It all comes out a bubbling verbal mass.  Ala verbal diarrhea.

So you see, I am not a bonafide blogger.  I don’t have a target audience, do I even have an audience?  I don’t have a regular schedule. Do I have a schedule to talk about anything I want to talk about?

I regret to inform you that I am not a real blogger.  I don’t really regret but that’s the proper way of saying it.  Follow me at your own peril but don’t expect anything from me that only real bloggers can deliver.

Damn! I wish I were a real blogger…

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Friday Folly: 40-Something-Year-Old Man Seeks Very Young Girl

thYes I do! I want a young girl! Aha! I heard that! You said ‘eeew!’ You are disgusted, aren’t you? Well let me explain myself before I start losing followers faster than Obama loses supporters.

In my house live 6 males.  Yes, 6 including this blogger.  My poor wife! Male testosterone lurking around every corner, every inch of the house. Oh how she wishes she had a little girl to help her negate some of it.  I do too.  For her sake.  Then why not try for one?  You asked.  Well it’s not that easy.  After the third and unsuccessful try produced a boy, I made sure that a medical procedure took care of any ‘slip ups’.

When my wife sees a little girl she always comment.  “That could have been ours.” I understand how she feels and although at first I wanted to have a girl in the mix, I am quite happy that it was not meant to be.  I am not sure I would be able to handle teen-girl drama.  Oh and dating.  And dressing.  So really and truly, I don’t really seek a young girl.  Just pretending for the wife’s sake.

I mean, Miley Cyrus was probably someone’s cute and innocent little girl once…

Why Did The Duck Cross The Road?

indexIt was a nice day for driving.  Bob Marley was still blasting through my speakers still telling me ‘Don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing, is gonna be alright.”  So I wasn’t worried.  Like I said, it was a fine day for driving. Or did I say ‘nice’?

Then I saw it.  A damn duck deciding  to cross right in front of me!  I squealed my tires as I came to a sudden stop. Isn’t that ironic that you could maneuver around pedestrians and even hit a few but when it’s a duck, you have to be extra extra cautious?  The things can back up traffic for blocks.  You don’t want to harm a duck now.  So I mentally killed and cooked it up.  Mmm, duck soup! The duck turned its head to look at me as if to say, “Sit there and take it like a man! Bitch! Lol!”  Yes, it even had the ‘lol’.  I contemplated running it over but the duck must have read my mind.  “Don’t even thing about it!”  The look said it all. “See that guy in the big masculine truck beside you?  You run me over and you answer to him.” I glanced over and sure enough there was a big fella with an obviously soft heart watching the bird cross with love in his eyes.  He felt my stare and glanced my way.  “The duck’s right.  Just chill and let it cross, dude.”  What? You too big fella?  You would take delight in running people over but you sit there and fall in love with a crossing duck?!  Your fore-parents would turn in their graves.

As the duck reached the middle of the road, she (I decided it had to be female) decided to rub it in my face even more.  She lowered her tail and ejected her load.  Yes, she shit right where my tires would travel when I continued my forward movement.  The nerve! Asshole! Duck you!  The look she gave me said “Eat shit!”  Man, this duck was really ruining my nice drive.  Shut up Bob! You aren’t exactly helping right now!  I shut off the stereo, tuning brother Bob out.  Everything wasn’t exactly turning out alright.

It seemed like forever but Miss Thing finally made it across.  As she re-mingled with her kind, she quacked something to them and they all gazed in my direction.  THEN, they started to step off the curb to re-cross the street!  Too bad I wasn’t around to verify this.  Again my tires squealed as I peeled away.  Duck! I yelled in frustration, the christian in me substituting the F for the D.  In my mirror, I could see Mr. Tough Guy still sitting there as if mesmerized.

So why did the duck cross the road?  Because she could, whenever and wherever she wants to.

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One Award Down, A Few More To Go!

versatile-bloggerMy blog pal over at bekkysworld has nominated me as a recipient of The Versatile Blogger Award!  I am touched that someone actually thinks that my brain droppings would be deserving of any award.  I know I have a funny and distinct writing style that begs to be read and I also try and stay true to my blogs and not pretend or misrepresent how I really feel, but still…An award? Versatile blogger? Me? No way! You didn’t Bekky! No Ms. Evans, say it ain’t so.

Ok, it is so and I am proud and glad at this moment to accept this thing award.  I will put it on my mantle piece…oh wait, what?  It’s not an actual thing? Not tangible?  Then Bekky, could you please tell me how the heck I am supposed to show it off to my mom and the rest of my non-blog-educated family?  You gave me an award that I can’t even show to anyone?  Well again, thanks a lot, Ms. Evans!  And to boot, you want me to write 7 things about myself?  You don’t ask for much now, do you?  Well here goes…

1.  I am a performer who suffers serious anxiety when I have to perform.  (Not in bed, silly ass!)

2.  My favorite food is pizza and I love pizza hut.

3.  LIke that Bekky from bekkysworld, I love to read.  I also write poetry and songs

4.  I am a Christian

5.  I take personal delight in getting a like and/or a follow on my blogs.  I get a high that lasts for hours.

6. If I could be someone else and somewhere else, guess what? I would choose to be me and be right here. Boring eh?

7.  Humor is extremely important to me and I enjoy seeing people happy and laughing.  I enjoy that even more than getting a like or a follow.  So smile today and make me happy.

And now I must nominate some other deserving bloggers.  My picks are:

sassandbalderdash

clownonfire

littlemisswordy

myvuze

baconandjackrussells

Note:  If the nominees are unable to accept their awards, a proxy could be assigned.  If nominees still fail or refuse to be a part of this reputable award, then they could go and um..er…ahm…write a blog or something!