Yes, me! See you soon!
Does this only happen to me? I write a blog and my finger has barely lifted off the key after clicking on ‘Publish’ when my notification button lights up. I have a like. A like? How could anyone like it already? I don’t care how fast you could read there’s no way in hell you could have read what I just wrote. So what’s the deal?
After being confused for too long, I decided to click on some of these ‘likers’ to see what they were about. I found out something strange. Most, if not all of them were blogs relating to something that needed an audience. Books, videos, sales stuff. Hmm…so that’s how they draw people in.
Before you click that ‘like’ button, please read my damn blog and see if it’s even likeable. Don’t pad my stats. You feelin me?
I have a confession. Some of you might already know this. Wait for it…I am not a real blogger. Far from. I read and follow real bloggers, like Katie from sassandbalderdash (my fave) and I’m nothing like them. I just enjoying making fun of things and people and spit it out like I would say it. No frills, no gimmicks.
A real blogger cares about how their blogs look, how their widgets, whatever that is, stand out on their page. A real blogger spends time creating the perfect blog aimed at getting maximum read. I don’t really give two hoots. I just write the damn things that come to my crazy head. I make no apologies. You like it or you hate it.
If you sometimes come across some misspelled words, I apologize as I take my spelling very seriously. If I mangle the Queen’s English and make a mockery of the language, it’s mostly intentional. If it’s not, I just failed to proofread. If my blog goes on and on, I am not sorry, that’s how I get when I’m excited and can’t wait to spit it out. It all comes out a bubbling verbal mass. Ala verbal diarrhea.
So you see, I am not a bonafide blogger. I don’t have a target audience, do I even have an audience? I don’t have a regular schedule. Do I have a schedule to talk about anything I want to talk about?
I regret to inform you that I am not a real blogger. I don’t really regret but that’s the proper way of saying it. Follow me at your own peril but don’t expect anything from me that only real bloggers can deliver.
Damn! I wish I were a real blogger…
In my house live 6 males. Yes, 6 including this blogger. My poor wife! Male testosterone lurking around every corner, every inch of the house. Oh how she wishes she had a little girl to help her negate some of it. I do too. For her sake. Then why not try for one? You asked. Well it’s not that easy. After the third and unsuccessful try produced a boy, I made sure that a medical procedure took care of any ‘slip ups’.
When my wife sees a little girl she always comment. “That could have been ours.” I understand how she feels and although at first I wanted to have a girl in the mix, I am quite happy that it was not meant to be. I am not sure I would be able to handle teen-girl drama. Oh and dating. And dressing. So really and truly, I don’t really seek a young girl. Just pretending for the wife’s sake.
I mean, Miley Cyrus was probably someone’s cute and innocent little girl once…
You heard the man, now go read some of his previous blogs until he comes back. Just a couple days more…
It was a nice day for driving. Bob Marley was still blasting through my speakers still telling me ‘Don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing, is gonna be alright.” So I wasn’t worried. Like I said, it was a fine day for driving. Or did I say ‘nice’?
Then I saw it. A damn duck deciding to cross right in front of me! I squealed my tires as I came to a sudden stop. Isn’t that ironic that you could maneuver around pedestrians and even hit a few but when it’s a duck, you have to be extra extra cautious? The things can back up traffic for blocks. You don’t want to harm a duck now. So I mentally killed and cooked it up. Mmm, duck soup! The duck turned its head to look at me as if to say, “Sit there and take it like a man! Bitch! Lol!” Yes, it even had the ‘lol’. I contemplated running it over but the duck must have read my mind. “Don’t even thing about it!” The look said it all. “See that guy in the big masculine truck beside you? You run me over and you answer to him.” I glanced over and sure enough there was a big fella with an obviously soft heart watching the bird cross with love in his eyes. He felt my stare and glanced my way. “The duck’s right. Just chill and let it cross, dude.” What? You too big fella? You would take delight in running people over but you sit there and fall in love with a crossing duck?! Your fore-parents would turn in their graves.
As the duck reached the middle of the road, she (I decided it had to be female) decided to rub it in my face even more. She lowered her tail and ejected her load. Yes, she shit right where my tires would travel when I continued my forward movement. The nerve! Asshole! Duck you! The look she gave me said “Eat shit!” Man, this duck was really ruining my nice drive. Shut up Bob! You aren’t exactly helping right now! I shut off the stereo, tuning brother Bob out. Everything wasn’t exactly turning out alright.
It seemed like forever but Miss Thing finally made it across. As she re-mingled with her kind, she quacked something to them and they all gazed in my direction. THEN, they started to step off the curb to re-cross the street! Too bad I wasn’t around to verify this. Again my tires squealed as I peeled away. Duck! I yelled in frustration, the christian in me substituting the F for the D. In my mirror, I could see Mr. Tough Guy still sitting there as if mesmerized.
So why did the duck cross the road? Because she could, whenever and wherever she wants to.
My blog pal over at bekkysworld has nominated me as a recipient of The Versatile Blogger Award! I am touched that someone actually thinks that my brain droppings would be deserving of any award. I know I have a funny and distinct writing style that begs to be read and I also try and stay true to my blogs and not pretend or misrepresent how I really feel, but still…An award? Versatile blogger? Me? No way! You didn’t Bekky! No Ms. Evans, say it ain’t so.
Ok, it is so and I am proud and glad at this moment to accept this
thing award. I will put it on my mantle piece…oh wait, what? It’s not an actual thing? Not tangible? Then Bekky, could you please tell me how the heck I am supposed to show it off to my mom and the rest of my non-blog-educated family? You gave me an award that I can’t even show to anyone? Well again, thanks a lot, Ms. Evans! And to boot, you want me to write 7 things about myself? You don’t ask for much now, do you? Well here goes…
1. I am a performer who suffers serious anxiety when I have to perform. (Not in bed, silly ass!)
2. My favorite food is pizza and I love pizza hut.
3. LIke that Bekky from bekkysworld, I love to read. I also write poetry and songs
4. I am a Christian
5. I take personal delight in getting a like and/or a follow on my blogs. I get a high that lasts for hours.
6. If I could be someone else and somewhere else, guess what? I would choose to be me and be right here. Boring eh?
7. Humor is extremely important to me and I enjoy seeing people happy and laughing. I enjoy that even more than getting a like or a follow. So smile today and make me happy.
And now I must nominate some other deserving bloggers. My picks are:
Note: If the nominees are unable to accept their awards, a proxy could be assigned. If nominees still fail or refuse to be a part of this reputable award, then they could go and um..er…ahm…write a blog or something!
Well my blogging pal Katie, from sassandbalderdash.com, done went and done it! Yes I know, I said ‘done went and done it’. She did. Katydid! What she did? She went and upset poor Kim Kardashian! Serves you right, Katie! That’s what you get for blogging that everyone should leave Kim alone! Here. Kim got wind of it and she’s pissed! Excuse me, that’s ‘pissed’ with a capital ‘P’. She put the pee in pissed and we all know that girl is full of pee. Or is that something else? I dunno. Didn’t watch her entire amateur video.
Turns out that Ms. Kardashian of porn fame, does not want to be left alone. No sir/madam. After reading Katie’s blog, Kim responded with, “Hell no! I don’t want to be left alone! If I were left alone, do you think I’d be where I am today? Do I look like celeb material to you? Am I bursting with talent? NOO! Face it people, I got famous for the wrong reasons. You leave me alone and there goes my career, if you want to call it that.” At least her words were pregnant with truth. She further went on to add that Katie should stay out of her business and not try to help her. She would have said more but Kanye grabbed the microphone and added, “I just want to take the time to send a shout out to my favorite blogger out there. Eggman! What’s up bro? Yore shit’s da bomb man! You deserve to be Freshly Pressed!” Word, Kanye.
Sorry Katie, yes, making fun of anyone’s weight is bad news. Making fun of a pregnant woman’s weight is horrible. Fake pregnancy or not. As the saying goes, “Everyone’s pregnant until proven otherwise.” Or is that something else? Nevermind, who cares? It’s only Kim. She has opened up herself to everything. Not that way! I meant the way she…oh damn you people and your dirty minds...
Personally, I like Kim. She’s…errr…Who the hell is Kim??
- Kim Kardashian Pregnant Belly: It’s Real! (thehollywoodgossip.com)
- Ray J Wrote A Song About Kim Kardashian (thesuperficial.com)
- Kim Kardashian Lying About July Due Date? (hollywoodlife.com)
- http://sassandbalderdash.com/2013/04/09/leave-kim-kardashian-alone/ (sassandbalderdash.com)
Believe it or not I have the ability to write self-help blogs. Yep, I seriously do. I don’t always write about sex and funny stuff. Take this blog for instance. I am about to write a tip on how to get a good blog out there. This one is good for the new bloggers especially.
Now, one common mistake bloggers, especially new bloggers, make is over thinking their content. Is it too long? Not enough or too much detail? More time is spent thinking about than actually writing it.
Well hear this, follow your mind when it comes to blogging. Unless you are getting paid to blog, don’t let it stress you out. Just get it all out and make sure it makes sense and you should be ok. I
I used to be like that for a long time. I draft a blog and think, “Is this good enough to get readers’ attention?” Then you know what I realised? I realised that the blogs I wrote without thinking too much about, were the ones that actually garnered the most likes. I would look in disbelief as the blog I thought would be my most popular blog, barely get noticed.
There! My tip for the day. Just let it out and don’t over thunk it. You will be fine, trust me. I am.
Did you happen to catch the Grammy awards last night? I did. It wasn’t a blast or anything special but it also wasn’t a total waste of my time either. I noticed that the stars took their memo seriously and did not show the underside of their breasts or buttocks. Jlo flashed some sexy legs, Katy Perry I am sure was smuggling mini soccer balls disguised as breasts and Kelly Rowland of Destiny Child’s fame wore a teasing dress that revealed much but revealed little. Is that the underside of a boob? No. Yes. No. Oh heck, who cares? She looked hot, at least in my opinion. But other than those, the usual suspects like Rihanna et al, were modestly dressed. What’s this world coming to? See some great pics here. (No seriously, check it out).
Hmm…Good old Prince showed up, looking very much like…Prince? Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, my favorite country couple, were there looking very much in love. I didn’t notice as I wasn’t wearing my tv glasses but I read online that she had braces on. ‘Faith Hill Rocks Braces!’. Screamed the headlines. Seriously folks, I don’t care who you are, no one rocks braces. You either look geeky or you look not bad but rocking them? No. That’s how weird and wacky fashion trends are started. Rocked braces…gimme a break. If she went naked would she have ‘rocked the naked look’? Ok, bad example but you get the point, right?
I heard that Carrie Underwood wore a $31 million necklace. Too bad I couldn’t tell. Could you? It looked like a regular necklace to me. Wait a minute, I didn’t even notice that she was wearing a necklace.
The performances were not too bad. Did you happen to catch Carrie Underwood’s jumbotron dress? Kinda neat, kinda cheesy. Most of the acts were, as they say on American Idol, safe. Nothing special. I was excited to hear that there was going to be a Bob Marley tribute song but was put off and disappointed by what I got. I guess as a big fan of reggae music, I had my expectations set too high. It’s not like they were going to drop some serious hardcore Bob…
I saw in the news that Taylor Swift may have taken a shot at her ex, Harry Styles, in her opening song, Here. What else is new with this chick? Her schtick is getting old fast. So much talent wasted on drama songs. Come on Taylor, this ain’t high school. Welcome to the real world of hump and dump.
Oh before I go, I should mention something about the actual award recipients shouldn’t I? After all that’s what it’s all about. Once again, I had to keep checking google to see who some of the nominees and winners were. How could they win when nobody knows who they are? Maybe I need to watch more MTV.
And what the heck was Adele wearing? If my granny old couch grew pale legs and showed up at the awards, that’s what it would look like. Beautiful voice, beautiful gal, gawd awful dress.