Honey, I Saw Our Daughter’s Ass

Too often, I read of stories where parents, granted, most of them celebrities, which doesn’t make them real parents, have watched their children perform in nude scenes without being bothered.  Some moms have sat in the audience while their sons used their penis like putty to make silly shapes. Not bothered one bit.  Some men have also showed up at the daughters’ strip joints and enjoyed a show with their buddies.

Take this story for example, NBC Nightly News broadcaster Brian Williams, watched his daughter Allison in a raunchy sex scene recently. He attended a premiere of the new season of Girls. The scene called for Allison’s lover to get close and personal with her naked ass.  “Get your face in there!” Yelled the director. “Not you sir”, he added as Brian got up out of seat.

I don’t know about you but watching my daughter have sex is not something I have on my bucket list. In fact, the mere thought disgusts me. Isn’t that a torture tactic where terrorists force you to watch them have sex with your family? Why would anyone, especially a dad, willingly watch this? Well unless he has some kinda…nevermind.

Next time you talk to Brian, say to him, “Hey, nice ass on your daughter! I would like to tap that”.  You never know, he might ask if he could watch.

Position Wanted: Celebrity Accountant

My Accountant

My Accountant (Photo credit: billypalooza)

So I am thinking of becoming an accountant.  I hate math. I hate anything to do with numbers. Then why would I want to be an accountant then?  Well to tell you the truth, it’s not just a plain old accountant. I am talking about working for dumb rich people who have so much money that they can’t keep track of it.

Take Rihanna for example, she recently claimed that due to her accountant’s screw up, she actually went bankrupt.  Then Brian McKnight, you know him right? Yes, the singer.  He too is blaming his accountant.  Apparently the accountant was not paying his taxes.  They are but two of the scores of celebs who said that their accountants misappropriated funds.

I can misappropriate funds with the best of them.  I can miss a few tax payments too. I know, I have done it. Just kidding, I haven’t.  But seriously, if I could do whatever I want with these twits’ money while they are too busy doing whatever rich people do, then why not apply? I mean I can make sure that they always have enough to keep their drug supply going.

Yes sir, that’s the job for me.  It’s literally a gold mine out there just waiting to be exploited. It’s taking advantage of the vulnerable but so what? They take advantage of the vulnerable too, don’t they? Lip syncing, giving us lame songs and we buy it. We go to their concerts. It’s pay back baby!  Say hi to your new accountant…

Now where do I apply?

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Quick! Hide The Eggs! The Popos Are Here!

thThis morning, teen heartthrob-turned-juvenile-deliquent Justin Bieber’s house was raided by police.  Bieber apparently was a suspect in the egging of his neighbour’s house.  Unconfirmed reports said that the police used a battering ram to gain entry into the singer’s house. (Hey! He has his own house?? Isn’t he too young to be left unattended?). A battering ram? For egging?  The story said that the cops were in search of evidence that could implicate Justin Bieber, namely eggs.

LMAO!! Eggs? The cops are raiding this kid’s house looking for eggs because he was suspected of egging a house? Can’t you just imagine the cops’ conversation…

Cop #1:  Hey! I found it! A carton of eggs sitting right here on the the top shelf on his stainless steel fridge! He is guilty as sin! Should I dust em for prints?

Cop #2:  Damning evidence indeed! Good work buddy. Let’s take the kid down and book him!  No need to dust.

Talking about dust, while the policemen were in the act of searching for WMDs, they also found cocaine.  Knowing that there was no way it could belong to the superstar brat, they pinned it on his poor little bff, aptly called Lil Za.  Poor Za, taking the rap for the Biebs.

Justin:  I swear officer, that’s not mine. *sniff sniff*

Cop #1:  Then it must belong to that punk sitting in the love seat.  Book him.

But I’m still laughing and shaking my head at this one…Raiding a house for evidence of an egging…I’ve heard it all now.  Good thing Justin didn’t place a burning bag of feces on his neighbour’s steps.

Related:

Justin Bieber’s Home Raided (the star.com)

Friday’s Folly: Chris Brown Hanging Up His Gloves. Music Gloves That Is

Say Goodbye (Chris Brown song) cover from Chri...

Say Goodbye (Chris Brown song) cover from Chris Brown (album), by Chris Brown (singer), from the film and soundtrack Step Up (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In some shocking breaking news, Chris Brown has announced, well tweeted, that his next album could very well be his last.  His reason for such a drastic move is that he feels he is no longer known for his talent but more for the beat down he put on Rihanna.  Chris is also known for singing…er…um…songs. He says that when he’s out and about all he hears is “Hey, isn’t that the guy who roughed up Rihanna?” Then everyone wants to buy him drinks and he ends up driving home drunk and/or getting into trouble.

This all came to a head last week when Chris was taken into custody for a hit-and-run case.  When he got to the jailhouse, the chief of police recognized who he was immediately.  “Say, you are that damn kid who bitch slapped that crazy bitch who dissed you to the world then took you back, right?  What’s her name again? Oh yeah, Breanna!”  The chief slapped his knees, pounded fists with CB then looked at the arresting officers.  “What the hell are you doing standing there? Let this nig** go!”  The poor officers stuttered, “But sir, it was a domestic violence case and the chick was Rihanna.” The chief would hear none of it.  “Domestic violence my ass! That chick whatchamacallher needs to be domesticated first. Now get this guy out of here so he can rejoin his football team.”  “Sir, he’s not a football player, he’s a singer.  Ah, never mind. Yes sir!”

So with that kind of fame, poor Chris is choosing no fame at all and riding off into the sunset.  Some are predicting that Riri would follow him.  We would so miss them.

Stay tuned for his next tweet.

I Flew With North West!

Northwest Airlines Airbus A330-223

Northwest Airlines Airbus A330-223 (Photo credit: dirkjankraan.com)

Kanye and Kim have named their baby.  I know, it’s old news and you have probably heard all the jokes already.  I don’t care bout that.  All I care about right now is the fact that two seemingly half-intelligent folks done went and named their poor kid after an airline.

I may be speaking or should I say blogging out of turn here.  Maybe the parents were mile high clubbers whose airline of choice was North West.  In which case, the name is apt.  Who cares what the baby would have preferred?  She could always change the name later.  North West it is.  Luckily, they fell asleep before they could come up with a middle name.  There is a God!

Now aren’t you glad that Kanye’s last name isn’t Pole? or Face? See? So it’s really not as bad as it seems.   Maybe it is also a good thing that North West airlines is not around anymore?  Could you imagine the Air hostess announcing, “Thank you for flying with North West” and someone thinking, “What?? Kanye’s daughter was on the plane??”  (I know, they would have to be really dumb, say maybe like Kanye and Kim). That’s where it could be a bit confusing.  How confusing would it be also to read headlines such as, “North West Is Going Down!”  or “Cash Strapped North West Goes Belly Up!”.  I personally like, “North West’s Assets Take A Dive!” or “Police Arrest Man For Masturbating While On North West.”  Yep, really good thing that they are not around anymore.

Ok.  Those headlines made me realize that it was a very dumb idea after all…Sorry baby North but your selfish parents did you wrong. I hope when you get old enough, you would go west young lady.  Far far west.  Oh, and lose the name.  If your parents were smart, they would have named you Delta, knowing that North West is no more.

Here’s to a bright future for North West. Nothing but bright skies…

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Friday’s Folly: What She Meant To Say

Backstage at The Heart Truth's Red Dress Colle...

Backstage at The Heart Truth’s Red Dress Collection Fashion Show during New York Fashion Week. February 13, 2009 at Bryant Park. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This week, the Amanda Bynes circus took its act to Twitter.  No big surprise there.  Chrissy Teigen who knows a bit about childhood stardom, tweeted that Amanda’s fans should not support her scary behaviour.  In her words, “The fact that Amanda Bynes has any ‘support’ to retweet is really unsettling. Support people with mental illness, yes. But don’t condone/enable scary and poor behavior.”

Amanda was furious and responded by letting Chrissy know that she was not that pleasing to the eyes.  “Chrissy Teigen, you’re not a pretty model compared to me. I signed to Ford models at age 13. I don’t look up to you beauty wise. I’m far prettier than you!” she argued. “I’m offended that you’re saying I have a mental illness when I show no sign of it, but thankfully not one man that wants me wants you and you are an old ugly model compared to me! You look 45! You’re not pretty so I’m not intimidated by you! I think you’re jealous that you’re just an ugly model who’s career is uninspiring! I don’t respect you! You’re no beauty queen! I’m a beauty queen!”

Miss Bynes countered that she did not have a mental illness and shows no signs of such.  I am still not sure what part of Chrissy’s tweet diagnosed her as having a mental illness.  Anyways, as I fancy myself an interpreter for celebrities, think dog whisperer, I took the liberty to translate what   Amanda Bynes really meant by her tweeted retort to Chrissy.

In short, when she said she did not have a mental illness, in her head she was actually saying, Chrissy girl, I’m weird as fu@k! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I need help big time before I self-destruct!  My fans think it’s cool that I act like this but it’s not an act, Chrissy.  I am screwed.   Oh and by the way, you are one hot bitch!  I try wearing some wigs to look cool but they only made me look like a witch, not a beauty queen.  Look at the pics I have been posting all over the internet.  Do I look like any beauty queen to you?  I am a shadow of the girl that was signed to Ford models at age 13 but thankfully Chrissy, not one man that wants you would even look twice at me.  I make Lindsay Lohan look like a saint.  I am a piece of work, aren’t I? Trust me honey, I exhibit lots of signs of mental illness.  My fans are just too blind to see that.  Anyways, thanks for bringing it to everyone’s attention.  I hope that I get the help I desperately need before it’s too late.

And believe it or not, that’s exactly what she meant to say.

Friday’s Folly: You Saw Amanda’s Boobs? So What?

Backstage at The Heart Truth's Red Dress Colle...

Backstage at The Heart Truth’s Red Dress Collection Fashion Show during New York Fashion Week. February 13, 2009 at Bryant Park. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I liked Amanda Bynes as an actress.  I thought she was cute with a little bit of the ‘girl next door’ in her.  Such an innocent little darling.  A lot of guys secretly hoped to see ‘more of her’.  Men are like that.  They see a pretty face and they want to see ‘more’.

Well wait no more.  Amanda has been tweeting topless and almost bottomless pictures of herself.  The only problem is, they are cringe worthy.  Not dissing her body or admitting that I too have pored over them either but  the manner in which they were presented would completely kill any boyish excitement one may have had.  Kill the mood sort of.  Here is a woman, yes, she’s no longer a little girl, she’s almost 30! obviously lost in a state of mental confusion, self-induced or otherwise, exposing herself to the world.  To me, that’s like seeing a mentally deranged woman naked.  Yes, I know that might still be a turn-on for some   but there’s a name for those ‘some’.

Seeing uncovered parts of sexy celebrities such as Britney and Rihanna was maybe a dream for a lot of us guys until their nude photos were splashed all over the internet, quelling the mood like a cold shower as it became apparent that we were looking at the photos of sick and messed up people.  To be caught looking at them for gratification now seemed like a sick practice.  Something like taken advantage of the disabled.  Which it is in some way, right?

It’s good to see that Britney seems to have gotten over whatever she was going through.  Maybe Rihanna, Amanda, Lindsay and other celebrities hogging the news for the wrong reasons could get over their demons also and one day we could at least enjoy seeing them sans bras without feeling guilty or sick.

Blogger’s note:  Posting racy pics of yourself online is an advertisement for attention, even though I can’t imagine with millions of followers and fans, how much more attention do these attention-hogs need?

Friday Folly: Who Are You Calling A Ni**er b**ch? Bitch!

 

Rihanna nude pictures, El Destape de Rihanna

Rihanna nude pictures, El Destape de Rihanna (Photo credit: Remolacha.net pics)

Rihanna rocks!  Sexy body, so-so voice, lots of money. At least enough to drop $8000 at a strip joint.  She has everything going for her you would agree.

 

A magazine in Dutchland described Her Royal Highness as a Nigger Bitch and she got royally upset.  She tweeted, “Who u calling Nigger Bitch?Bitch!  U ain’t even know english!  What u wrote is an abasement and insult me and the other little niggers out there! No peace out for you! Wigger ho bitch!  Oh and here are three words for u and your peeps on behalf of the black race you dissed, ‘F**k u!”  Oh Rihanna…

 

RiRi also said some stuff about evolution, race, future leaders and degrading.  I am not sure why she ended up talking about herself.  Then she later posted a photo of her with a toddler, calling him her ‘Lil’ Nigger’.  When asked how come she could use such derogatory terms but takes offense when someone else does, Rihanna mumbled something about being black, flashed her boobs, kissed her gal pal, slapped Chris Brown, exhaled her marijuana smoke, flashed her crotch and give the reporter the finger.  Such a classy woman!  Anything less would be an abasement to humans.

Oh, she also wanted to let her fans know that she’s not pregnant.  Just a bit bloated, bitch!

 

Read it for yourself:

 

Rihanna does not appreciate the N.B comment
Ni**er Bi**h Irks RiRi
Rihanna calls toddler her little nig**r

 

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