And in other news, a nun, yes a nun gave birth to baby without realizing that she was even pregnant. The nun along with the other nuns at the convent were amazed when she complained of stomach pains which turned out to actually be labor pain.
So tell me something, are nuns allowed to have sex now? If so, why not priests too? Or was she tricked into intercourse without realizing it was actually sex? I mean nuns are kinda gullible, right? So what if some guy went up to her and go, “Hey sister, this polar vortex thing is really getting to me. I am so cold that I need to plug in. Would you mind if I just er…slip my electrical cord into your outlet? It’s nothing, I do it all the time. It keeps my motor warm.” The gullible nun would probably reply, “Well…I don’t see why not. If it’s going to help you then sure. Now where’s my outlet? Ah, ooh, am I supposed to feel like this? Stay still brother, your cord is slipping out.”
Ok, I might need to say a few hail mary’s after that. It wasn’t nice. The poor nun was probably impregnated immaculately. What? That’s a bad joke too? Ok, tack on another Hail Mary to my to-do list. How about maybe the nun was pregnant before joining the convent? Happy now? Maybe I didn’t get the whole story. I just read ‘Unaware nun gives birth’ and I ran with it. The nun said she had no clue she was with child. Of course not, dear sister. Of course you wouldn’t. You probably thought it was just the holy spirit living in you, didn’t you? Another Hail Mary.
Do you buy it? Me? I’ll have nun of it. Oh, and one more thing, I heard that she named the child after Pope Francis. Awww, how cute! Don’t read too much into that, folks.
Man, times they are a changing. Do you remember the good old days when it was not only acceptable but recommended for strangers to touch a woman’s belly when she was pregnant? No? hmm…It never was? Well anyways, did you know that women aren’t down with that anymore? I didn’t either. I thought it was still acceptable for strangers to get up close and personal with a woman they have never seen before. Are you sure it never used to be?
I found how the hard way yesterday while waiting at the bus stop. An obviously pregnant young lady sat beside me on the bench and I, being the nice person I am, decided to show her my feminine side. I put my ear to her stomach while placing a hand on top of her baby-filled stomach. No need to ask permission, everyone’s doing it. “Can’t hear the cute one yet. How far along are we?”
And that’s when everything exploded in a verbiage of insults. “What the eff are you doing? You effing creep! I am not pregnant! Are you calling me fat? Why are you touching me? Your sick mother effer! I should call the cops!” Plus taxes and handling.
I managed to stammer an unaccepted apology and ran away red-faced. There was no way I was going to sit in the same bus with that irate woman. Baby or no baby. Plus, I didn’t relish the idea of being dragged off a bus by the police for sexual harassment.
Ok, I admit, I am a chronic liar and the above story never took place. So what? It could very well have happened. So I hope you learned something from this. DO NOT ASSUME THAT EVERY WOMAN WITH A GUT IS PREGNANT. (You are welcome, Rihanna). AND IT IS NEVER POLITE TO RUB THE BELLY OF STRANGERS, PREGNANT OR OTHERWISE. THEY ARE NOT BUDDHAS.
Some women can be so sensitive when they are pregnant…