South China tiger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Did you know that tigers in China don’t like to eat Chinese food? I know, you’d think it would be their favorite meal but no they really don’t like it. I am not bs’ing you. Listen.
Some guy in a Chinese zoo, no, he wasn’t in a cage. He was in the zoo as a visitor. Well not in the zoo but rather at the zoo. Happy now? So anyways, here’s this guy at the zoo thinking to himself, man I feel like offering up myself as a living sacrifice to that tiger over there. Do Asians talk like that anyways? Who knows and who cares? I am not sure what came over him but according to the news I got, he climbed a tree, got into the tiger’s enclosure and started making funny movements in hopes of getting the tiger’s attention and hopefully get gobbled up.
The poor uncooked Chinese-food hopeful was disappointed that the tiger looked at him like he was last weeks food. After some more tempting and teasing and attempts to make himself more tantalizing, I heard that the animal grabbed him by his neck, shook him maybe to add some sense into him then released him, untasted. Bam! How embarrassing for the poor asian fella. Not even a hungry tiger wants to eat him. Maybe he was too little? Nah, I still think tigers just don’t like chinese food.
And in other news, the world’s newest diva, aka Justin Bieber, recently conquered the Great Wall of China courtesy the backs of his bodyguards. Bieber can now cross another one off his bucket list. So far, and with some outside interference from his beefcakes, he has benched over 100lbs, had sex with a couple chicks, swam the English Channel, ran a marathon, all with the help of his bodyguards.
Visitors to the Great Wall were at first surprised to see a milky white female on the backs of hunky male slaves/servants. They thought it was the ghost of Cleopatra and bowed down in reverence/fear/worship. Then it/he/she spoke. “Hey ya’ll. It’s so good to be here in Africa! I am so tired. Climbing up here is soo hard but I’m happy to say I’ve climbed the great Wall Of China!” He was corrected on his geographical error of course.
Ok, let’s get serious here. At least as serious as I could get with this blog. I am not sure you could pay me enough to carry Justin’s ass up the Wall of China or anywhere else for that matter. I would look at him as if he was crazy if he had the nerve to ask me to ferry him. Are you mad boy? Get your ass up the wall yourself. I’m trying to dray my own fat black ass up nevermind carrying you! Last week you had me running behind you while you attempted to skateboard. I am still embarrassed about that. I also had to take the fall last time you were involved in a hit-and-run too. I draw the line, boss! Read my lips. I.am.not.carrying.you.up.that.wall! Spoilt brat!
And that’s how Justin Bieber aka Cleopatra successfully climbed the Great Wall Of China.
The Ugly Duckling (1939 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Ever woke up and look at your spouse and go, “Why did I marry you? Was I drunk?” Well maybe you were or weren’t but if you also thought, “I wonder if I could sue you for being so hideous?” Wonder no more, maybe you could.
Mr. Feng, the plaintiff, did not always see his wife as an ugly duckling. No no, things only got ugly after their baby was born. He was aghast. “How could both of us have a kid this ugly?” He screamed to no one in particular. “This is an abomination! I have disgraced my family and my honor. This ugly child is not mine.” He accused her of cheating on him and pressed her to confess that she was indeed the source of the ugliness. (I guess the baby did have a face only a mother would love).
Apparently, before she met and marry Feng, his wife had spent a bundle on supporting the plastic industry. So basically, the baby had inherited the mom’s ‘real looks’. Neat how that works eh?
Poor Mr. Feng was so put off and felt totally let down that he immediately filed for divorce and sued his ugly wife in the process. When husband and wife faced off in court, the court agreed with Feng and gave him what he wanted. As for the woman, she learned a valuable lesson that looks are only skin deep and that’s a shallow depth. The baby is doing fine, charming the socks off everyone who thinks all babies are innocent and cute.
Only in China.
The Olympics sure have its share of funny moments, don’t you agree? There is that Bulgarian, aptly named Vania Stambelova (pronounced like ‘stumble over’), who actually lived up to her name by stumbling over a hurdle while running in the 400m heats. Talking about apt names, how about Usain ‘The Lightning’ Bolt? Bolt? Seriously? What were his parents thinking? That he would become the world’s fastest man? Yeah right. While on the topic of names, how about the Korean pole vaulter, Kim Yoo Suk? I can hear the crowd chanting, KIM YOU SUCK! How motivating.
While watching vaulting, I heard the announcer say, ‘There are no Poles in vaulting’. I thought, what? How could this be? It took me a while before I realized that he meant that Poland did not have an athlete in that event…I AM KIDDING! I just felt like yanking your chain there. Have a chuckle, will you?
What else can I say about the Olympics? Oh yeah, we, as in Canada, won gold in Trampoline, proving we have the best trampoliner in the world. Take that China! In your face USA! We even got a 4th place finish too. Wait a minute! How did we get two athletes in the top 5? Are you saying the other countries do no take trampolining seriously? Well I’ll be damned! Who cares, a win’s a win. We will take it as we are in no position to argue. Karen COCKBURN was our fourth place finisher. Now what prompted me to capitalize her last name… If I had that last name, I’d be seeing me a doctor. I am thinking she should maybe have a talk with LUBA Golovina, the 7th place finisher. She might be able to provide some relief. In a strange twist, the winner of the men’s trampoline event was China’s Dong Dong. Not touching that. No! I don’t mean I am not touching dong… actually forget it.
In the weightlifting category, the Chinese are unbeatable. Lulu Zhou set a record with her snatch. Did that come out wrong? Snatch is the term used for weightlifting so I said it right, right? Anyways, Lulu cleans and jerks like a boss. For some strange reason, that just sounded so wrong right there. No puns intended if any were found. After all, it’s only a name.