Christmas is like an orgasm

English: Uploaded from : http://upload.wikimed...

English: Uploaded from : http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/de/5/5c/Rockefeller_Center_Weihnachten.JPG Das Rockefeller Center in New York City zur Weihnachtszeit Eigene Aufnahme Lechhansl 15:53, 20. Jan. 2007 (CET) Dezember 2003 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I love Christmas but what I really enjoy is not the day itself but the days leading up to it. After Christmas it’s like everyone suddenly exhaled . Whoosh! Christmas is finally over so now I can be myself!  But seriously, you know what I mean, right?  The weeks leading up to the Big Day is all fun.  Fun at work and at home.  Even at the malls. One could get away with murder!  Well not literally.  The day itself goes much too fast.  Like how much can you really eat and drink?  And I find it a bit of a let-down.  You know like that wicked build up you get prior to an orgasm and you anticipate an explosion but your partner changed whatever he was doing so instead of explosion you get maybe something more like an implosion?  You know what I mean, don’t play coy with me!

 

So how is Christmas like an orgasm?  Well after all the build up, it’s over before you know it.  Bam! Just like that.  Oh! Oh! Christmas is coming! It’s coming! Oh yes! Yes! Yesssss!!!!  Don’t stop Christmas! Shit!  You stopped!  And before you know it, it’s back to the same old same old.  Grumpy shoppers, selfish people. No post-sex cuddles.  Just wham bam thank you ma-am Christmas.

 

 

 

 

 

Riri,Riri Stupid Girl?

Rihanna and Chris Brown concert, Brisbane Ente...

Rihanna and Chris Brown concert, Brisbane Entertainment Centre (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am feeling like a tool to start the new year.  I should learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes eh?  Maybe I should invest in some resolutions, at least one that says, ‘For the new year, I’ll keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself.  Unless I’m blogging.’

Did I get your curiosity juices flowing?  It’s what I do best.  I love a good suspenseful start to a blog.    Anyways, my point of contention is Riri and Chris Brown.  Yeah, as in Rihanna and Chris Brown re-kindling their abnormal romance.  Now I’m normally not one for celebrity crap.  Well unless it’s blog worthy and I could poke fun at their expense.  Other than that, I couldn’t care less.   But when Rihanna was physically abused by Chris Brown, I couldn’t keep quiet.  Nope, not me.

So what exactly did you do, Mr. Tough Blogger?   Well Mr. and Mrs. Readers,  I went and sent a nice tweet to Mr. Brown letting him know he made a bad career-ending or at least career-crippling move.  Violence against anyone is not cool.  Against women, it’s even uncooler.  Yes, I even said ‘uncooler’.  Then I blogged about him and I Facebooked about him and I talked about him.  All bad stuff of course.  Then, I praised Riri, who I’m not a fan of, for dropping him like a hot microphone.  Other abused women around the globe thanked and praised her too for coming forward and shining the spotlight on their plight. She was like a cancer survivor.  A voice against abuse against women.

Oh yeah, I went to town on that boy.  Then within the same year, there were rumors that Rihanna was secretly hanging out with him.  No! She’s stupid but not THAT stupid.  She wouldn’t do that.  Not after showing off her scars to the world and accusing CB of bitch slapping her around.  She would be Riri dumb to go back to him.  Plus she’s black AND from the islands and those chicks are TOUGH.  They eat balls for lunch and wash it down with island rum.  On the rocks.  The fact that she outed him showed that she won’t take shit from no one.

So yeah, I didn’t believe the rumors and the other ones and the other ones.  Then I read that they spent NYE together and never left bed.  And that’s when I felt like a tool.  So much wasted emotions, wasted words, wasted tweets…All those battered women who were starting to come out of their shells are slowly going back in.

Because I made a resolution to keep my mouth shut I won’t say what I think about Riri.  I hope she doesn’t come looking for sympathy from me next time because my sympathy tank is on empty and I’m not refueling. You are on your own now, Riri stupid girl.

Watching Internet Porn Can Cause Memory Loss, Says Study

Have you been experiencing some problems with remembering stuff like where you put your keys or your favorite websites?  Then you could be watching too much internet porn.  Not sure how much is too much but it can cause you memory loss.

 

Why just internet porn?  I have no idea.  I can watch all the porn I want on TV but not on the internet?  I think the networks and television people are trying to sabotage the internet people.  ‘Stop watching cheap internet porn and rent a real porno flick tonight’ could be the hidden message here.  Somebody is trying to screw somebody, folks.  (Not that way you sick bastards!)

 

Back to the memory thing, how does watching a couple go at it on the internet make one lose their memory?  Hey, I just had a thought, what if you were to stream it to your tv?  Would it still have the same effect?  Would it still be considered internet porn?  If so, I think I just came up with something big!  Check this out:   WANT TO WATCH INTERNET PORN WITHOUT SUFFERING FROM MEMORY LOSS?  THIS LITTLE GADGET WILL STREAM ALL YOUR PORN STRAIGHT TO YOUR TV FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT.  CALL NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN REMEMBER THE NUMBER.  I can invent a device that is made specifically to stream porn from your internet to your tv!  I know there are already such devices but so what? Maybe I can call it the PornStreamer or something like that.  Today, I pronounce myself a genius!

 

Anyways, internet porn is a bit more convenient to watch.  That’s what I heard.  I heard it’s better in that you can take your laptop or internet ready device with you to the bathroom or any place you would like to be to alone.  I heard it that it really sucks to watch it when you are distracted or regularly interrupted.  I heard lots of stuff. I got lots of friends.

 

I won’t be around for a while because I have a bunch of stuff to catch up with.  No, not

 

internet porn.  You wish!  I still have Christmas shopping to do, house to clean, drinks to make and all those fun stuff.    I am sure when I return, most of you would not remember me but still, Have yourself a wonderful Christmas, if you can remember what that is…

 

 

 

Gang Kills Man. Gangnam That Is.

thIt was bound to happen sometime.  I saw it coming and you did too.  The most over-hyped thing to hit us in a long time has turned into a killer!

Before I go any further, I will first acknowledge the poor guy that died leaving his three kids and wife behind.  (Well it’s not like they wanted to go with him).  May his soul rest in peace.

My work is having its Christmas party tomorrow, Saturday and knowing the dj was of course going to play Gangnam style,  I was actually planning to do a dance spoof of it..  Yeah, I know, I hate the darn thing but so what?  I hate broccoli too but sometimes I eat it.

I am thinking that the newspapers’ headline for that poor guy could very well have been mine.  ‘Father of three dies while doing the Gangnam‘.  I am a father of three in case you missed that.

I don’t want to make too many funnies about this because someone lost their life and that’s not funny.  Like seriously, what if a family member was to read my blog about it? How would they feel?   Sounds like the deceased was a real fun guy, busting a move at his party and all…totally sounds like me.  I’m glad he beat me to it and halted my plan in its tracks.

Moral of the story.  Hmm…I dunno.  There is no moral.  Well… maybe dance like you are dying because you might really be? You choose.

Preparing for Doomsday

doomsday_sign

doomsday_sign (Photo credit: matt.ohara)

 

I might get a memo at work from the boss:  “Guys, we have just been told that Doomsday is for real.  This throws a wrench into production and our bottom line.  We are now forced to move month end up to December 20th.  Please have all your figures in.  I wish you and your family a safe Doomsday.  Sales, please finalize all contracts.  Thank you.”  “P.S.  We will break early on the 20th so we could spend time with our families but those who wish to  stay at work are welcome to do so.  They will be paid overtime.”

 

My mom would panic.  Everything panics her.  She would call me a dozen times in the same minute.  “Did you hear the news?  Just heard it on CNN or was it TSN? or TNN? one of those stations.  The Gloomsday is coming.”  You mean ‘Doomsday’ mom?  “Yeah Yeah, Doomsday.  I have to go catch up water and pack some clothes and go to Walmart and Dollarama and Giant Tiger.”  Clothes mom? Why are you going shopping?  Nevermind, talk to you later.  “Make sure you guys catch up water too.”  Ok mom.  “Oh and by the way, Walmart has half-off sales on everything. No returns or exchanges but you can walk out with stuff as the greeter has called in sick.” Bye mom.

My mother-in-law would be almost the same.  Calling us every two minutes.  “I saw it on the PVR that the thing is for real, guys.  What do they call it? Doomsy or Tombsday?”  You mean Doomsday?  “Yeah, whatever, hahaha.  Are you guys scared? I am not.  As a matter of fact, I’m drunk right now. hahaha.  No shit.  Your father-in-law is drunk too”  (She’s not a drunk).

My Dad would try to be Mr. Know-it-all as usual.  As he toys with his umpteenth drink he would say to no one in particular, “Doomsday is bunk.  Not gonna happen. Hic! Trust me.  It’s impossible.  Hic!  I bet you on my children’s lives that it won’t happen.  Where and who are my children anyways?  Ah who cares? Never cared about them then, I still don’t care now” Hic…Hic.

 

What would my wife do?  She would make sure everything was clean.  Not sure about the logic there.   Maybe having a clean environment would turn the Doom off.  “It’s our last chance to clean. Let’s make it count guys.  Oh, let’s get the Christmas tree up too.  Come on!  Move it!  We don’t have all week! Get off your ass!”  Ok honey.

 

Good thing it’s not going to happen.  Or is it?  Hey, Do they blog in heaven?  Follow me and we’ll find out together.