In The Name Of Kanye, Rise Up And Walk!

English: The words "Kanye West" in t...

English: The words “Kanye West” in the theme of Kanye West’s “G.O.O.D. Friday” song series’ artwork. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As further proof that Kanye thinks he is God, he tried  forcing wheel-chair bound concert-goers to stand up before he drop his rhymes.  ‘All hail the God!’ Apparently Kanye was less than impressed that anyone, crippled or otherwise, would dare sit while in his court.

Kanye even sent out his disciples disguised as bodyguards to see what was causing the hold up.  The disciples brought him back word that a few of the holdouts were actually handicapped and couldn’t stand.  Mr. West grudgingly accepted their excuses and continued on with the show. He was less than impressed.  Poor Kanye.

I hope Kanye never performs at a hospital for sick kids…

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Friday Folly: I Am One Smart Brother

So by now you would have heard that power couple Beyonce and her husband Jay-Z are on the outs. You may have also heard that her sister bitch slapped him a month or so ago in an elevator while Beyonce looked on.  Apparently Solange wasn’t happy with the way her sister was being cheated treated. What? Jay-Z was creeping on the lovely and talented Beyonce? How could he? Well before you get asking that, ask instead, “How couldn’t he?”

Rumor has it that Beyonce is upset that her husband was all up in Rihanna’s grill. Know what I’m saying? And everyone went, “Oh no! Not Riri!” And I go, “Yawn”.  You see I am one smart brother. I knew all this stuff while it was still only a thought process. “How?” you asked, easy. Jay-Z is a rapper. Rappers cheat. Ok, maybe that’s like saying all black guys have big penises, which they do so that point is moot. Yeah, they all cheat, it’s the GAME, they have to play it or be pussies. It’s the life they live.

When Rihanna came on the scene, she was first signed to Jay-Z’s record label and right away I knew he was tapping it.  How could he not? She was exactly the prime cut he was waiting for. Fresh and young Caribbean meat! Come on Bey! you knew that too. I know I’m smart but you are no dummy yourself…um, never mind that last bit.

So there you have it. Today you learned that all most rappers are cheaters. You learned ‘Up in her grill’, you also learned that I’m one smart brother, something you should have known after reading my first blog.

He Down Wid No Pee Pee?

Pilirani-LazaroHey, did you guys hear about that guy who tried to jump out of a two-story building in trying to commit suicide? Yep. Well let’s break it down here, a fricking two-story buddy??  Come on man, I know you are a rapper and not expected to be smart but come on. You didn’t want to die did you?  The worst that could happen in that short fall was you become a cripple, you lose a limb or get a concussion.  You won’t even hurt your pee pee in such a short fall. Um…not so fast…continue reading.

Andre Johnson, a Wu-Tang-Clan (Old Hip-Hop group) affiliate, tried to kill himself a few days ago by jumping from a two-story building.  The fall did not come close to killing him but the Gods realizing what a dumbass he was decided to get teach him a lesson he won’t soon forget.  To help him realize that things are never as bad as they seem, they inflicted on him one of the most embarrassing injury.  The lost of his manhood.  Everyone knows that rappers like to brag about their sexual prowess, now we would know he is lying when and if he sings about boning hot chicks.

I tried to no avail to find out how his pee pee got severed. How do you jump off a balcony and sever your penis? Yep, the Gods had a hand in it. Now poor Andre, also known by his stage name Christ Bearer, has a cross of his own to bear.   He down wid No Pee Pee? Yeah you know me!  At least he, wait for it…had the balls to jump. I am sorry! Ok I said I am sorry!

On a serious note:  Suicide is never the answer. As in this poor fella’s case, things could always be worse.  Oh, and there are a lot of smart rappers.

 

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Quick! Hide The Eggs! The Popos Are Here!

thThis morning, teen heartthrob-turned-juvenile-deliquent Justin Bieber’s house was raided by police.  Bieber apparently was a suspect in the egging of his neighbour’s house.  Unconfirmed reports said that the police used a battering ram to gain entry into the singer’s house. (Hey! He has his own house?? Isn’t he too young to be left unattended?). A battering ram? For egging?  The story said that the cops were in search of evidence that could implicate Justin Bieber, namely eggs.

LMAO!! Eggs? The cops are raiding this kid’s house looking for eggs because he was suspected of egging a house? Can’t you just imagine the cops’ conversation…

Cop #1:  Hey! I found it! A carton of eggs sitting right here on the the top shelf on his stainless steel fridge! He is guilty as sin! Should I dust em for prints?

Cop #2:  Damning evidence indeed! Good work buddy. Let’s take the kid down and book him!  No need to dust.

Talking about dust, while the policemen were in the act of searching for WMDs, they also found cocaine.  Knowing that there was no way it could belong to the superstar brat, they pinned it on his poor little bff, aptly called Lil Za.  Poor Za, taking the rap for the Biebs.

Justin:  I swear officer, that’s not mine. *sniff sniff*

Cop #1:  Then it must belong to that punk sitting in the love seat.  Book him.

But I’m still laughing and shaking my head at this one…Raiding a house for evidence of an egging…I’ve heard it all now.  Good thing Justin didn’t place a burning bag of feces on his neighbour’s steps.

Related:

Justin Bieber’s Home Raided (the star.com)

Modern-Day Cleopatra Carried Up The Great Wall Of China

thAnd in other news, the world’s newest diva, aka Justin Bieber, recently conquered the Great Wall of China courtesy the backs of his bodyguards.  Bieber can now cross another one off his bucket list.  So far, and with some outside interference from his beefcakes, he has benched over 100lbs, had sex with a couple chicks, swam the English Channel, ran a marathon, all with the help of his bodyguards.

Visitors to the Great Wall were at first surprised to see a milky white female on the backs of hunky male slaves/servants.  They thought it was the ghost of Cleopatra and bowed down in reverence/fear/worship.  Then it/he/she spoke.  “Hey ya’ll.  It’s so good to be here in Africa! I am so tired. Climbing up here is soo hard but I’m happy to say I’ve climbed the great Wall Of China!” He was corrected on his geographical error of course.

Ok, let’s get serious here.  At least as serious as I could get with this blog. I am not sure you could pay me enough to carry Justin’s ass up the Wall of China or anywhere else for that matter.  I would look at him as if he was crazy if he had the nerve to ask me to ferry him.  Are you mad boy? Get your ass up the wall yourself. I’m trying to dray my own fat black ass up nevermind carrying you!  Last week you had me running behind you while you attempted to skateboard. I am still embarrassed about that. I also had to take the fall last time you were involved in a hit-and-run too. I draw the line, boss! Read my lips. I.am.not.carrying.you.up.that.wall! Spoilt brat!

And that’s how Justin Bieber aka Cleopatra successfully climbed the Great Wall Of China.

Pregnant and Fat Kim Mad At Katie!

Don't be bloggin shit bout me!

Don’t be bloggin shit bout me!

Well my blogging pal Katie, from sassandbalderdash.com, done went and done it!  Yes I know, I said ‘done went and done it’.  She did.  Katydid!  What she did? She went and upset poor Kim Kardashian!  Serves you right, Katie!  That’s what you get for blogging that everyone should leave Kim alone! Here.  Kim got wind of it and she’s pissed!  Excuse me, that’s ‘pissed’ with a capital ‘P’.  She put the pee in pissed and we all know that girl is full of pee.  Or is that something else? I dunno.  Didn’t watch her entire amateur video.

Turns out that Ms. Kardashian of porn fame, does not want to be left alone.  No sir/madam.  After reading Katie’s blog, Kim responded with,  “Hell no! I don’t want to be left alone!  If I were left alone, do you think I’d be where I am today?  Do I look like celeb material to you?  Am I bursting with talent?  NOO!  Face it people, I got famous for the wrong reasons.  You leave me alone and there goes my career, if you want to call it that.”  At least her words were pregnant with truth.  She further went on to add that Katie should stay out of her business and not try to help her.  She would have said more but Kanye grabbed the microphone and added, “I just want to take the time to send a shout out to my favorite blogger out there.  Eggman!  What’s up bro?  Yore shit’s da bomb man!  You deserve to be Freshly Pressed!”  Word, Kanye.

Sorry Katie, yes, making fun of anyone’s weight is bad news.  Making fun of a pregnant woman’s weight is horrible.  Fake pregnancy or not.  As the saying goes, “Everyone’s pregnant until proven otherwise.”  Or is that something else? Nevermind, who cares?  It’s only Kim.  She has opened up herself to everything.  Not that way! I meant the way she…oh damn you people and your dirty minds...

Personally, I like Kim.  She’s…errr…Who the hell is Kim??