Help! My cousin is missing! I haven’t seen her in about two years and someone or something has taken over all her social media accounts. Whenever I creep her Instagram, Facebook or Snapchat account, I see someone or something that looks nothing like her. This thing has rabbit ears, dog nose and flawless skin. The mouth is that of a dog’s and to top it off, there’s a crown of flowers on its/her head. What should I do? Should I file a missing person report?
Do you know that I poke my friends’ wives? And their daughters too? If they are old enough to be on Facebook, they are old enough for poking. They are poke-able to coin a phrase. Heck, I’d poke Mark Zuckerberg too but I’m not that kind of guy.
Before you get your knickers in a tangle let’s be clear on what poke I’m talking about here. I am talking about the good ole friendly Facebook poke. What else did you think? Sicko! You guys remind me of this guy who killed his friend for poking his girlfriend. Read it here. Maybe it was her fault, maybe she didn’t explain to her bf exactly what poke she was talking about. The guy probably came home from work and his girlfriend greeted him with, “Honey, Your friend Tony poked me today.” Put that way, any man would be jealous. I am even jealous just thinking about it right now.
But that wasn’t what happened. The poor guy figured he would give his friend’s gal a little nudge. He died for that seemingly innocent nudge. As ‘Tony’ punched him to death, he repeatedly asked, ‘If you’re such a good friend then why did you poke my missus?’ I didn’t know this but apparently a poke is actually a Facebook flirt! Did you know that? Well now that puts a new spin on it. Do you know my friends’ wives flirt with me? And their daughters too. Just begging me to poke them. If they flirt with me, I will poke em. Even Mark. But I’m still not that type of guy. Homey don’t play that.
Women are mad! No no, I don’t mean you women/chicks/ladies are nuts. That’s a whole different blog. I am talking about women being mad over the photo posted on Facebook by a
hot mother of three. She had the nerve to post a hot pic of herself looking sexy as hell, with the caption, ‘What’s your excuse’. I am not sure what she meant by that but I couldn’t think of one excuse for ogling her photo. Not even having a wife and kids was a good enough excuse.
Ok, I know she wasn’t talking to me. She probably wasn’t talking to you too but some saw it as an attempt to belittle, pardon the pun, fat people. I don’t see it that way. Jeez, Jillian Michaels and all the other slave driver excuses for trainers say the same thing all the time and no one takes exceptions. Don’t believe me? Watch Biggest Losers. Heck, they are even calling fat people losers!!! Somebody better organize a protest. Do it now while I go peruse Maria Kang’s Facebook page.
Back to Ms. Hottie. So she’s posing in a nice workout bra complemented by matching micro shorts. Her rock hard abs are to die for as are her arms. To some, she might be regarded as a MILF. (not to me, I’m married with kids).
If you are one of those who took exceptions to this photo and feel that it was a personal barb at you, don’t be. As a matter of fact, what’s your excuse?
- Haters Gon’ Hate – Hot, Fit MILF Gets Internet Hate for Being Hot, Fit MILF (itstinksinhere.com)
- Mother of 3 posts pic of her fit body, get criticizes for shaming other women (fox4kc.com)
- Fit Mom Furry! Mom Defends Herself over Hot Facebook Picture (newsfixnow.com)
- “What’s YOUR excuse?” – Fat Shaming or Fit Shaming? (lovelifeandlemonade.com)
Now consider this. Everyone’s hopping on the social train. Our grandparents are doing it. No, not that, internet and social media. Because it’s so popular and everyone could be found on one social network or another, what if God decides that to get the attention of the masses, he would use Twitter to announce his second coming? And what if he tags people? What if he tags me and because I didn’t have Twitter, I missed it?! It’s unthinkable! And that’s why I got my ass a Twitter account.
And an iPad too. And an Android to cover my bases. I would not want to miss a Heavenly announcement because of incompatibility. Could you just imagine. I will be arriving soon. @Eggman, @BloggerB @sassandbalderdash @Kate? Kate would be sure to catch it right away because she’s plugged in, too bad she’s an atheist though, she would just see it as a bloggable topic. But me, yes me, I would be left in the cold. Sorry God, I didn’t have Twitter. Why didn’t you just use Facebook? You could have tagged me there too. What? Too much drama? But so is Twit…nevermind, you are GOD.
So while I sit here blogging, I have a Facebook and a Twitter tab opened. Close by rest my iPad and Android phone. Am I missing anything? Oh, I have a smart tv and blu ray also. If God watches a show on Netflix, I would know right away. I am ready baby. Go ahead God, tweet away! I hope he doesn’t post pics on Instagram. I don’t have that yet.
Biggest pile of doo doo I have ever heard. The worst part is that I actually believed in it at one time. Yes, me who dissect and investigate everything and never take anything at face value. I fell for that lame old saying.
I loved a lot in my day. like love a lot. Doesn’t make sense? I meant like in the sense of I was like this and I was like that. So I like loved a lot. Got that now? And don’t tell me my love wasn’t real and how it was lust etc. Some of these girls, I never even slept with. But believing that silly ‘If you love something’ crap, I set them free. They never came back. Well some did but I’ll get to that in a bit.
When I set the girls free, I said, “I love you so much honey that I have to set you free. I know we have something good going here but maybe you just aint mine. So if you come back, you were indeed mine. So go honey go! Fly! Explore!” And that was it. They did call me some colorful names that I can’t write here. Family blog and all. But they weren’t impressed with the way I ‘set them free’.
I also owned a few pets that I had to set free rather reluctantly and sadly. I took a cat to the outskirts of town and ‘set it free’. It guess it wasn’t mine as it never came back. My dog Frudo, I took him across state lines and never saw him again either. I thought he loved me but he obviously didn’t or he would have come back. I even lost a kid too. Sent her to live with her mommy and never looked back, expecting her to return. I guess she wasn’t mine as I never saw her or heard from her again. It was good finding out a few kids that I thought were mine were not. Man, I was letting shit go like I had the runs. Family, friends, all got released and most never came back.
Then I got married and then for some strange reason, the girls I released into the wild came calling. Aww…so they did love me. Unfortunately for them, they took too long and fortunately for my wife, I am low on patience. Some took a couple of years, some took ten years or more. One took about twenty years but give her credit, she did come back. I can’t believe so many of them were actually mine!
So believe me, the saying is untrue. If you love something, please don’t let it go. Hold on with both hands for dear life. Squeeze the life out of the thing. Unless you are stealing boomerangs, it might never come back if you let it go.
What did I do with the chicks that came back? Oh you want to know eh? Well I slept with the unslept-with ones and added the others on Facebook. I AM JUST KIDDING!!! About them being on Facebook. Wait, I turned that around. I meant I am kidding about sleeping with them but they are on Facebook.
Who came up with that silly saying anyways?
I am not joking. I just read this. I know I shouldn’t believe everything that I read but it is legit. A designer has actually come up with a dress that gets transparent when the person wearing it gets sexually aroused. It is called ‘Intimacy 2.0’ and it just punted that new Facebook app, Bang With Friends, right out of the park. This is the next big thing!
I admit that being a man, my first, ok my second thought was, ‘Are they designing pants like that for me?’ I then got carried away with mental scenarios.
I am in class and suddenly noticed that hot chick next to me is slowly losing her clothing. It is disappearing! The thought that she’s having sexual thoughts makes my intimacy 2.0 pants start disappearing also. Right there in class! Oh no! Oh yes!
Me: (to hot chick) See what you did?
Hot Chick: What did I do?
Me: Well you got horny and made me horny thinking of you being horny and now we are both sitting here with our junk exposed. Thanks a lot!
Hot Chick: That’s not my fault. I didn’t tell you to get horny.
Me: Duh…I’m a man. Of course I would react to your reaction
Hot chick: Sorry, I was just thinking of Mr. Grey
Me: Oh by the way, can I at least add you on Facebook to my filf list?
Hot Chick: What’s that?
Me: Never Mind.
I know, I am such a dreamer…always getting carried away with my overactive imagination. But just think though, if this design ever take off, (pardon the pun), every party could be an orgy, every beach a nude beach. Even the churches won’t be sacred. (Another pun). Your girlfriend would make you wear an intimacy 2.0 pants around her girlfriends to see if you have the hots for any of them. “Aha! I saw that! You want to bang my friend Alice, don’t you? I can see your pee pee, you horn dog!”
Man, wouldn’t it be an ego boost to walk past a group of women and see their clothes react? You want a piece of this, don’t ya? Well don’t just stand there, come and get it! Not so fast Mary.
I have never bought into the myth that what women wear makes them deserving of being raped and I still don’t but I do think that any woman wearing an intimacy 2.0 is asking for trouble. Unless of course they wear it in the privacy, comfort and safe confines of my house.
- This Dress Turns Clear When You’re Turned On (mashable.com)
- This Dress Signals When You’re Aroused By Becoming See Through (purposegiven.wordpress.com)
- Banging my facebook friends
- Banging my friends confession
Immediately after writing my last blog Banging My Facebook Friends or FILF, I was hit by a feeling of guilt. No, it wasn’t plagiarized. I felt guilty because I told you that I am married and had no inclinations to try the new app that allows user to pick their FILF Facebook friends and send out a feeler to see if a one-night stand could be set up. The thing is, I realized I was lying as soon as I pressed the ‘publish’ button. I knew that as soon as I was done checking my blog stats, I was going to give that app a try. Just out of curiosity, nothing serious.
I browsed my friends’ list and to no surprise, found that I had some not-too-bad friends. Bangable if you don’t mind the word. Good potential. Judy the redhead had that ‘come hither’ look that made me want to go thither. Lindsay, my blonde friend worked out hard and had a real tight bod. She also had that girl-next-door look so why not? Mary the midget was nothing special but she was one of my best friend and I am sure she would not have been impressed to find out she was on on my FILF list. ‘Is it a midget thing?’ she might ask. Plus she’s really nice. I am not gay but sometimes I am not 100% sure and there’s no one I’d rather test my sexuality on than my buddy Anthony. You never know…How about the MILF Helen? I guess she falls in the MILF/FILF bracket. So I sent out feelers. Oh wait, There’s Stacey who I had recently added because I liked the way she looked on her profile pic. Yeah, I creeped her Facebook page. Man is she ever hot! Yoga pants never looked better. She lived not too far from me either. What do I have to lose? So I decided to start with those.
They all responded! I got a ‘WTF!’ from Judy and a ‘Eeew’ from Mary the midget. Seriously Mary? Lindsay sent me a smiley face with the word, ‘When’. Well I thought it was just the one word. Looking closer, it was actually followed by two more words. ‘pigs fly’. Helen, my MILF friend promptly wrote ‘Stay away from me, you creep!’ and unfriended me. Anthony sent me a profanity-laced private message which also included threats if I ever got close to him. Yes, he too unfriended me. For some reason, my other buddies stopped talking to me but that’s just jealousy I supposed.
Well so much for this banging my Facebook friends app. At this rate, I will have a low self esteem, no friends and get banged upside the head. On the bright side, I’m down a few friends…
- Banging My Facebook Friends or FILF (funnysideupandscrambled.wordpress.com)
Calm down, this blog is now what it seems. I don’t go around having sex with my Facebook friends. What do you think it is? Sexbook? Ok, well maybe there’s a couple (Not that kind of couple) who I have had intimate relationships with and we are now friends on Facebook but…nevermind. None of your business anyways.
This morning, I heard on the radio that there’s a new Facebook app that users could use to let their friends know that they are able, willing and capable to have intimately casual encounters of the sex kind. WOW! Yes, you heard me right. There IS an app for that!
Well being Mr. Investigative Reporter, I got on my google and ‘googled that shit’ as my buddy would say. Turns out it’s legit. There’s a new Facebook sex app called ‘Bang With Friends’ that you can use to hook up and do the deed. The horizontal or parallel mambo. The thing. Sex. In four days after it was launched, it garnered 20,000 users. This just put a whole different spin on ‘poking’ and ‘Friends with benefits’.
I know your curiosity juices are flowing uncontrollably so I won’t bore you anymore with the trimmings. You want to know how this thing works, right? Well users sign in with Facebook, go through their friends’ list, pick the friends that they would like to enjoy some er…bedtime with, ok the filf, and the friends get a message that you are interested in something more and if they feel the same way, they reciprocate. Then bang! bang! it’s done! Like dinner! Read here.
It’s supposedly very discreet and private. Sort of like those hookers in Vegas that come to your room. So don’t worry about your friend yapping to her other friends who are also your friends who are also friends with your wife. “Girl, you won’t believe who wants to have sex with me.” “Noooo! Not him! Really? Isn’t he married with children?”
Now this is actually one of those things you just want to try. I won’t as I’m happily married and casual encounters of the sex kind scares me but I’m just so tempted to click on someone’s name and see what happens. I might get a private message with one word. ‘When?’
If you haven’t done so yet, don’t forget to add the group ‘FILF’ to your Facebook friends filter and thank me later. With 700+ friends, I hope there’s at least one friend who finds me desirable.
- Facebook app Bang With Friends reaches 10,000 pairings, 30,000 downloads and criticism (siliconrepublic.com)
- SEX WITH FRIENDS: New App Lets Users ‘Bang’ Facebook Friends (secretsofthefed.com)
- Retired archbishop slams new Facebook app âBang with Friendsâ (technology.inquirer.net)
- The App That Shows Which Of Your Facebook Friends Are “Down To Bang” (buzzfeed.com)
- Anonymous Sex Hookup App Bang With Friends Is Coming To The iPhone (cultofmac.com)
- Would you bang your friend? (filipinawanderer.wordpress.com)
So Beverly is having relationship issues. Well her man dumped her like last week’s garbage. After first crying on her bff’s shoulder, she immediately goes on Facebook and writes, *Sigh*. That’s it, that’s all. Just ‘sigh’. Judy, who is the bff mentioned earlier, comments within a minute. “Sorry hon. Hugs. We should go drinking soon.” Now don’t be fooled by Judy’s sympathetic comments. What Judy really means is “Shit Beverly, that’s three guys this year alone! Maybe the problem is you. Maybe you should quit picking up guys at the bars. My mom thinks you are a whore.”
Did you noticed that even though Beverly’s status did not mention that she was having a specific problem, Judy made sure that everyone would know Beverly was having a rough time but she did it in a sly way. Nice friend.
Now how about this one…Let’s say you, yeah you, got a promotion at work. (Undeservedly of course but good thing it’s just an example) You being the Facebook addict you are and starving for attention, brags about it on your status. “Got a big promotion at work! Woot! Woot!” Tony, your buddy, adds his two cents. “Yeah buddy! Congrats!” He works with you so what he is really saying is, “Nice! You got the job while I sit and grow old in my dead-end position. Just dandy. Asshole!” Nice friend.
“Our baby has arrived!” is a popular status on Facebook posted by freshly minted parents and “Congrats” is the natural response. Some of those congrats actually mean, “Another effing baby?? Aren’t you on welfare? How the hell do you afford to get pregnant every Monday morning? Must be nice to be able to sit on your ass and get pregnant while some of us work!” I tell you folks, do not take these comments at face value.
Ever wondered why some people feel the need to post a status like, “Having so much fun here in Jamaica. Hubby and I are just sitting on the beach sipping on margaritas.” Oh really? sounds wonderfully romantic. What that status really means is, “Oh how I wish I could get a piece of that black Rasta waiter. My husband is boring and he’s getting fat. At least this is a good spot to check out the Jamaicans.”
The people who clicked on the ‘like’ button are actually thinking, “If you are having so much fun, why are you on your damn phone? Is Hubby that boring?” or “Fun my ass! Wait a minute! Didnt’ even know you were married!” Some are less rude and are simply thinking, “ I am so jealous.” Nice friend.
Last scenario. Betsy is proud of her accomplishments. She has lost 10 pounds in the last month, or so she claims. “Woo hoo! Down 10 pounds in 4 weeks!” Brags her status. Betsy also posts a photo of her ‘new’ look and even though you gave it your best shot, you can’t tell the difference. Do you think her other friends can because their comments are, “You go girl! Looking damn good!” and “Hottie!” Come on now, we all know they are lying and actually mean, “Sorry hon, can hardly notice it but if you say so.” Or even, “What?? You lost 10 pounds my ass!“
Betsy, ok let’s change Betsy, she’s had enough. Mike, uploads a photo of himself. He looks like crap. Unshaven, tired or has a hangover but he’s smiling. Instead of maintaining their silence, his fake friends comments are, “Nice look. Loving the beard.” and “Cute pic.” No one would actually say what they are really thinking. “Mike buddy, you really should clean yourself up before you go public with a pic like that. Not looking good buddy.” Or, “Hahaha, Mike you are brave to put that pic up. You look like Grizzly Adams.”
Disclaimer: The views expressed are not necessarily that of the blogger, no sir, they are those of the commenters and the likers on Facebook. Bear in mind that not everyone has a hidden agenda and sometimes a comment is just that, a comment, and a like is genuinely liked.
- Really, Facebook, you’re going there? (timesunion.com)