Have you seen my cousin?

Help! My cousin is missing!  I haven’t seen her in about two years and someone or something has taken over all her social media accounts.  Whenever I creep her Instagram, Facebook or Snapchat account, I see someone or something that looks nothing like her.  This thing has rabbit ears, dog nose and flawless skin.  The mouth is that of a dog’s and to top it off, there’s a crown of flowers on its/her head.  What should I do? Should I file a missing person report?

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Friday Folly: Psst…I May Have Poked Your Wife.

Do you know that I poke my friends’ wives? And their daughters too?  If they are old enough to be on Facebook, they are old enough for poking. They are poke-able to coin a phrase.  Heck, I’d poke Mark Zuckerberg too but I’m not that kind of guy.

Before you get your knickers in a tangle let’s be clear on what poke I’m talking about here. I am talking about the good ole friendly Facebook poke. What else did you think? Sicko! You guys remind me of this guy who killed his friend for poking his girlfriend.  Read it here.  Maybe it was her fault, maybe she didn’t explain to her bf exactly what poke she was talking about.  The guy probably came home from work and his girlfriend greeted him with, “Honey, Your friend Tony poked me today.”  Put that way, any man would be jealous. I am even jealous just thinking about it right now.

But that wasn’t what happened.  The poor guy figured he would give his friend’s gal a little nudge.  He died for that seemingly innocent nudge. As ‘Tony’ punched him to death, he repeatedly asked, ‘If you’re such a good friend then why did you poke my missus?’  I didn’t know this but apparently a poke is actually a Facebook flirt!  Did you know that? Well now that puts a new spin on it. Do you know my friends’ wives flirt with me? And their daughters too.  Just begging me to poke them.  If they flirt with me, I will poke em.  Even Mark. But I’m still not that type of guy.  Homey don’t play that.

 

 

 

 

 

What’s Your Excuse, Big Boy?

feb06a8d-e7ad-495d-8841-d859157ac54f_What-s-Your-ExcuseWomen are mad! No no, I don’t mean you women/chicks/ladies are nuts.  That’s a whole different blog.  I am talking about women being mad over the photo posted on Facebook by a hot mother of three.  She had the nerve to post a hot pic of herself looking sexy as hell, with the caption, ‘What’s your excuse’.  I am not sure what she meant by that but I couldn’t think of one excuse for ogling her photo. Not even having a wife and kids was a good enough excuse.

Ok, I know she wasn’t talking to me.  She probably wasn’t talking to you too but some saw it as an attempt to belittle, pardon the pun, fat people.  I don’t see it that way.  Jeez, Jillian Michaels and all the other slave driver excuses for trainers say the same thing all the time and no one takes exceptions.  Don’t believe me? Watch Biggest Losers.  Heck, they are even calling fat people losers!!! Somebody better organize a protest. Do it now while I go peruse Maria Kang’s Facebook page.

Back to Ms. Hottie. So she’s posing in a nice workout bra complemented by matching micro shorts. Her rock hard abs are to die for as are her arms.  To some, she might be regarded as a MILF. (not to me, I’m married with kids).

If you are one of those who took exceptions to this photo and feel that it was a personal barb at you, don’t be.  As a matter of fact, what’s your excuse?

Oh Susana!

My African Princess

My African Princess

I received the following private message a couple days ago on Facebook:

Susana Yake

Hello, My name is Miss Susana Yake, I am an Africa girl, I read your profile today at it was so good to me. I feel you are the only one missing in my entered life so i decided to stop on it and let you know that i am interested to be a friend first. I also believe that coming to you will be a probability of meeting that very thing that has been lacking in my entered life. Please contact me at my email address (susanayake_a20@yaho­o.com)I am a girl with respect and responsible,i respect people also and believe if you contact me,i will give you a full introduction of my self okay. i hope to hear from you soon. Remember, all the darkness in the world, can-not put out the light of a single candle as long as the light of love shines bright in your heart, and (Remember the distance or color does not matter but love matters a lot in life cares for my future love. (susanayake_a20@yaho­o.com)

 

At first I was naturally quite flattered.  Come on! I know, I am married but who doesn’t like to get some attention from someone other than the other half? Makes you go, “See honey, I told you the chicks still find me attractive.”  Plus, what’s not to like about an ‘Africa girl’ as she so eloquently put it?  Once you go black, you never go back.  Just ask my wife.

Susana wrote that she saw my profile and got smitten immediately.  Well maybe not in those words.  She also said that she respects people.  Susana, two things I don’t understand, if you saw my profile you would have noticed it said ‘married’.  Wait a minute! How could you even see my profile if my settings prohibited non-friends from seeing it?? Zuckerberg!! Let’s ignore that breach of security for a second so I could mention the next point of contention.  Suzie, you also said you respect people.  If you did, how could you try to come between my wife and I without first asking if we would be cool with a third-party?  Not that I am complaining…

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news Sue, but I think that I won’t be able to fill that hole in your ‘entered’ life.  As a matter of fact, there would be no ‘entering’ or filling of any kind.  I am scared that if I go black I won’t come back and my wife and kids would be devastated with me not coming back.  So I have to decline your offer of everlasting and true love.

If you feel so inclined, keep those flattering messages coming and maybe include a phone number so we could chat sometime. But just chat! Nothing else!  Nice pic by the way! Got any more? Do you go to the beach? Got any beach pics? I love beach pics.  Or sleepover pics of you and your girlfriends having pillow fights. Oh Susana…

 

What If God Tags Me And I Miss It?

imagesToday, while browsing the internet, I preached to my nephew about how bad it was.  Laughing, he asked why I was on the net if I thought it was so bad.  “I have to.  It’s where everyone is.”

Now consider this.  Everyone’s hopping on the social train.  Our grandparents are doing it.  No, not that, internet and social media.  Because it’s so popular and everyone could be found on one social network or another, what if God decides that to get the attention of the masses, he would use Twitter to announce his second coming?  And what if he tags people?  What if he tags me and because I didn’t have Twitter, I missed it?!  It’s unthinkable! And that’s why I got my ass a Twitter account.

And an iPad too.  And an Android to cover my bases.  I would not want to miss a Heavenly announcement because of incompatibility.  Could you just imagine.  I will be arriving soon. @Eggman, @BloggerB @sassandbalderdash @Kate?  Kate would be sure to catch it right away because she’s plugged in, too bad she’s an atheist though, she would just see it as a bloggable topic. But me, yes me, I would be left in the cold. Sorry God, I didn’t have Twitter.  Why didn’t you just use Facebook?  You could have tagged me there too. What? Too much  drama? But so is Twit…nevermind, you are GOD.

So while I sit here blogging, I have a Facebook and a Twitter tab opened.  Close by rest my iPad and Android phone.  Am I missing anything?  Oh, I have a smart tv and blu ray also. If God watches a show on Netflix, I would know right away.  I am ready baby.  Go ahead God, tweet away!  I hope he doesn’t post pics on Instagram.  I don’t have that yet.

images2

If You Love Something Let It Go…

thIf you love something or someone, set it free and if it comes back to you it’s yours and if it doesn’t, then it was never yours. 

Biggest pile of doo doo I have ever heard. The worst part is that I actually believed in it at one time.  Yes, me who dissect and investigate everything and never take anything at face value.  I fell for that lame old saying.

I loved a lot in my day. like love a lot.  Doesn’t make sense? I meant like in the sense of I was like this and I was like that. So I like loved a lot.  Got that now? And don’t tell me my love wasn’t real and how it was lust etc.  Some of these girls, I never even slept with.  But believing that silly ‘If you love something’ crap, I set them free.  They never came back.  Well some did but I’ll get to that in a bit.

When I set the girls free, I said, “I love you so much honey that I have to set you free.  I know we have something good going here but maybe you just aint mine.  So if you come back, you were indeed mine. So go honey go! Fly! Explore!”  And that was it.  They did call me some colorful names that I can’t write here. Family blog and all.  But they weren’t impressed with the way I ‘set them free’.

I also owned a few pets that I had to set free rather reluctantly and sadly.  I took a cat to the outskirts of town and ‘set it free’.  It guess it wasn’t mine as it never came back.  My dog Frudo, I took him across state lines and never saw him again either.  I thought he loved me but he obviously didn’t or he would have come back.  I even lost a kid too.  Sent her to live with her mommy and never looked back, expecting her to return.  I guess she wasn’t mine as I never saw her or heard from her again.  It was good finding out a few kids that I thought were mine were not.  Man, I was letting shit go like I had the runs. Family, friends, all got released and most never came back.

Then I got married and then for some strange reason, the girls I released into the wild came calling.   Aww…so they did love me.  Unfortunately for them, they took too long and fortunately for my wife, I am low on patience.  Some took a couple of years, some took ten years or more.  One took about twenty years but give her credit, she did come back. I can’t believe so many of them were actually mine!

So believe me, the saying is untrue. If you love something, please don’t let it go.  Hold on with both hands for dear life.  Squeeze the life out of the thing.  Unless you are stealing boomerangs, it might never come back if you let it go.

What did I do with the chicks that came back?  Oh you want to know eh?  Well I slept with the unslept-with ones and added the others on Facebook. I AM JUST KIDDING!!! About them being on Facebook. Wait, I turned that around.  I meant I am kidding about sleeping with them but they are on Facebook.

Who came up with that silly saying anyways?

Designer Designs Dress That Turns Transparent When Wearer Is Sexually Aroused

r-TRANSPARENT-DRESS-large570I am not joking.  I just read this.  I know I shouldn’t believe everything that I read but it is legit.  A designer has actually come up with a dress that gets transparent when the person wearing it gets sexually aroused.  It is called ‘Intimacy 2.0’ and it just punted that new Facebook app, Bang With Friends, right out of the park.  This is the next big thing!

I admit that being a man, my first, ok my second thought was, ‘Are they designing pants like that for me?’  I then got carried away with mental scenarios.

I am in class and suddenly noticed that hot chick next to me is slowly losing her clothing.  It is disappearing!  The thought that she’s having sexual thoughts makes my intimacy 2.0 pants start disappearing also.  Right there in class! Oh no! Oh yes!

Me:  (to hot chick)  See what you did?

Hot Chick:  What did I do?

Me:  Well you got horny and made me horny thinking of you being horny and now we are both sitting here with our junk exposed.  Thanks a lot!

Hot Chick:  That’s not my fault.  I didn’t tell you to get horny.

Me: Duh…I’m a man. Of course I would react to your reaction

Hot chick: Sorry, I was just thinking of Mr. Grey

Me:  Oh by the way, can I at least add you on Facebook to my filf list?

Hot Chick:  What’s that?

Me:  Never Mind.

I know, I am such a dreamer…always getting carried away with my overactive imagination.  But just think though, if this design ever take off, (pardon the pun), every party could be an orgy, every beach a nude beach.  Even the churches won’t be sacred. (Another pun). Your girlfriend would make you wear an intimacy 2.0 pants around her girlfriends to see if you have the hots for any of them.  “Aha! I saw that! You want to bang my friend Alice, don’t you?  I can see your pee pee, you horn dog!”

Man, wouldn’t it be an ego boost to walk past a group of women and see their clothes react?  You want a piece of this, don’t ya?  Well don’t just stand there, come and get it!  Not so fast Mary.

I have never bought into the myth that what women wear makes them deserving of being raped and I still don’t but I do think that any woman wearing an intimacy 2.0 is asking for trouble.  Unless of course they wear it in the privacy, comfort and safe confines of my house.