Ok, Who Farted?

English: Treason!!! John Bull emits an explosi...

English: Treason!!! John Bull emits an explosive bout of flatulence at a poster of George III as an outraged William Pitt the Younger ticks him off. Newton’s etching was probably a comment on Pitt’s threat (realized the following month) to suspend habeas corpus. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I grew up with my aunt who was a no-nonsense kinda woman.  No swearing, not even the word ‘damn’ was allowed within earshot.  Because of that upbringing, I was never comfortable discussing disgusting bodily functions.  Loud belching, farting, spitting and talking about poop were not conversations I engaged in.

My exes could attest to the fact that they never heard me fart out loud.  In fact I only started doing that around my wife maybe a year ago.  We have been together for over 10 years.  She let it rip right off the bat, assuring me that doing so meant that she was comfortable around me. Don’t ask.

Farting is as much a part of our everyday lives as breathing and should be treated as such.  I have come to realize that and have eased up on my tight-assed attitude.  A bit.  In fact, I have become comfortable enough that I can now blog about farting.

So, do you entertain a feeling of pride when your fart smells as though it was created from the deepest smelly pits of hell?  I bet you do, admit it. Come on! It’s me, you can tell me anything. How about the flipside?  Your farted and sniff the air like a hound trying to catch wind of your wind but nothing assails your nostrils.  At least not what you expected. Do you feel letdown? Disappointed? Yeah, I hear you.

Have you ever been safe and alone, maybe in the sanctity of your office, and decided to let one rip with reckless abandon? It smells like King Kong’s ass and you are quite understandably proud of your handiwork.  Or should I say asswork?  Then it happens!  Karen, the nosey chick, no pun, who always sticks her nose where it doesn’t belong, again no pun, decides to peek in your office.  “Hey, are you still working on…hmm…what is that smell?”  Pride is erased from your face and replaced by a poker player’s emotions.  “Yes, I smell it too! Smells like something died behind the walls.”  You know she doesn’t buy it but you had to try.

Guys, how about this.  You are wandering down the aisle of your favorite store and after checking around, you felt safe enough to deflate your bowels. You cut no corners as of course you are alone.  As the sound of an angry elephant echoes off the shelves, you saw her.  How did you not see her?  The unlucky recipient of your windy leftovers wrinkles her nose like Jeannie the genie then stop dead in her tracks as though she just walked face first into an invisible wall of feces.  Although there’s no one within 50 feet, you look around as though saying, “Who the hell farted up the place?”

You see the thing is, although farting is an acceptable and oft discussed function, we still get embarrassed if we are caught dropping stink bombs.  Especially by a lovely damsel.