Are you dressing inappropriately?

I am going to Disney Land!

A few weeks ago, while downtown, I happened to be walking behind a couple of ‘well-dressed’ women out for night of party.  As they walked, their hands were busy trying to keep their much-too-short dresses that looked more like a shirt, from giving passers-by an accidental sneak peak.  Fortunately for them, they were successful.  Unfortunately for them, their luck didn’t hold when it came to their shoes.

These women were wearing shoes with stilt-like heels.  All of a sudden, one of them had an ankle that decided it wanted to get closer to the ground.  The young woman wanted none of that and fought to resist this upstarted ankle.  She over corrected and next thing you know, she is fighting with both ankles, stumbling like a drunken sailor, this way and that until she finally got within arm’s reach of a railing which she hung on to for dear life. Not to be outdone, her friend’s ankles decided to do the same thing and she too ended up sharing the railing with her friend. A smile creased my face as I walked past them, fighting the urge to laugh out loud.

That was the consequences of dressing inappropriately.  These women were dressed to look good, and they did, but it was came at a price.  Apparently, they had no clue that they were dressed inappropriate so I came up with some points for those of you who might be dressing inappropriately but have no idea.

If you spend your fun night out pulling the hem of your skirt or dress down, you are dressed inappropriately. Go change.

If you walk around as though about to fall on your face because you just had to buy those 6″ high heels, you are dressed inappropriately.  Watch the video below.

Those 80’s high waisted shorts are back in!  The ones that go way up pass your belly button.  Well if your belly button is hogging the covers more than your butt cheeks, then maybe you are also dressed inappropriately? You think? Doesn’t matter what I think!

Talking about shorts, if yours are so short that the underside of your butt winks at me as you walk by, what do think?  It doesn’t matter if I wink back!

If there’s no beach in sight for miles, yet you are dressed in a nice sexy 2-piece bathing suit and walking around the town, then yup, you look good but inappropriate.  Let’s call it inappropriate sexiness. Like that racist joke you heard at work, sounded good but so inappropriate.  A friend of mine on a recent trip to Disney, asked the question on Facebook if it was right for young, I mean really young, girls to walk around the beach in Disneyland wearing thongs. You tell me.

If there’s a beach close by but you saw it fit to wander off in your new thongs and mingle with families just out for a stroll, then maybe you are dressed inappropriately.  It doesn’t matter if I like it. 

Last winter, I saw a lot of young women wearing house slippers outside, even with snow on the ground.  That has to be a mental thing but it’s still inappropriate!  I don’t care if it’s warm and comfy!

Bearpaw Loki II Women  Round Toe Leather Brown Scuffs Slippers Shoesimage

You are not in bed but at the mall yet you are clad in your cotton flannel pajama pants.  (And house slippers!) Definitely inappropriate. Go back to bed!

If your OUTERwear is getting more air time than your UNDERwear, you just might be dressed inappropriately.  Doesn’t matter if I like it!

If none of the above applies to you but  your 12-year old daughter is guilty, then tell her nicely that she’s dressing inappropriately.

Talking about daughter, if you and your daughter fight over who gets to wear what, then let her have it, it’s inappropriate for you anyways.

There’s a time and a place for everything, even your inappropriate attire, it’s  in October and it’s called Halloween.

But again, maybe I’m just out of touch with the times…

 

 

Friday Folly: Me And My Anti-Ball Crusher

Something like this but different.

Thanks to Lululemon, my balls could now breathe easily.  With my wearing of all those balls-unfriendly pants, it’s no wonder I suffered from blue balls continuously. The below pic is not of it but it’s all I could find.

Lululemon has invented a pants for us men to protect our jewels.  It’s like a jock strap with legs.  I am not sure how it works but it does! I tried on a pair and noticed the difference immediately.  I can’t explain it but my balls just didn’t feel so crushable.  I dared my balls crusher wife to try her stuff on me and you know what? She couldn’t crush my nuts!

Thank you LuLu.  Now can I have some Anti-blueballs pants?

Friday Folly: Kate Shows Down Under Down Under

thNo, it’s not a typo.  Kate, the Duchess of York, or Cambridge, or somewhere or the other Middleton, did show her buttocks, as the English would call it, while on her trip to Australia.  Some would say she got a little cheeky.  You don’t get it? My goodness! Some people!   KATE MIDDLETON FLASHED HER BUTT! Easy there horn dogs, it wasn’t intentional. The cutesy girl-next-door Royal is not no Miley Cyrus.

Apparently while out and about doing what Royals do when they are out and about, her flimsy dress got into a battle with Australia’s strong and perverted wind.  The wind quite understandably wanted to see what Royals wear under their dresses and maybe hopefully grab a peek at the royal jewels.  It was a one sided battle but her dress fought valiantly.  In the end it got what it wanted, a view of the Kate’s hiney.   Seems like the Royals wear nothing under their dresses.  Or maybe it was one of those stringy thingies that hides itself up ones butt.

Kate was a very good sport in losing.  She reminded the wind that it was not the first time they met on the battlefield.  A few years ago in some place called Calgary, the wind tried to catch an upskirt updress moment but had to settle for a flash of side cheek.  In your face, Mr. Wind! Not so fast, Katie dear, Wind actually got some crack this time.

Seems like the Middleton sisters are making headlines for their royal ass-ets. First it was Pippa stirring up controversy with her too-perfect posterior. Read my blog about that here. and now Kate’s wardrobe malfunctions. One word to Kate, please eat because I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE…

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Monday Madness: Women Cruise Convertible Style In Vancouver

go-topless-day-282In Vancouver yesterday, men forsook the boob tube and instead took in some real boobs as women bared their tops in the name of gender equality.  In case you are wondering what that means, it means that some women are not happy that us men are allowed to let our tits hang out while they have to keep theirs covered.  I agree!  I am sure that my man boobs does not equate to the same thing as a woman’s but hey…

Now I have a small confession, you see when I’m bored I sometimes look at chests.  Women’s chests. YES BOOBS!  Jeez, you just had to make me say it, didn’t you? Anyways yes I do. Most of the times they are on the computer and I have to pay for them.  Could you imagine the breast buffet if women are allowed to bare arms breasts?  Man I could see the real thing! I don’t have to sit for hours on my puter.  I will be like a vet, “Show me those puppies, ma’am.”

Too bad women were too chicken back in my day.  They would never have given thought to such ridiculousness.  Show my breasts?  No effing way!  Heck, even my girlfriends didn’t take theirs out unless it was pitch dark in my bedroom.  This is indeed a giant step for mankind.  Oh and womankind too.  These brave women deserve a good chest bump.  From me of course, who else?

Hey, but have you noticed that the women participating in these things are usually the ones you would rather not see?  Just an observation.  And what’s with those who put pasties on their nipples?  (see pic above). Come on woman!  Are you in this or not?  It’s all or nothing.  Have you ever seen a convertible with its roof half down? NO.  Then smarten up and let it all hang out!  It’s for a good cause.  What’s it for again??

Disclaimer:  I was just kidding about looking at breasts on the computer.  I don’t.  Well not unless they are looking at me first.  I am married, remember?  To a woman who is not afraid to show me her puppies when it’s not dark.

 

 

Friday Folly: Who Are You Calling A Ni**er b**ch? Bitch!

 

Rihanna nude pictures, El Destape de Rihanna

Rihanna nude pictures, El Destape de Rihanna (Photo credit: Remolacha.net pics)

Rihanna rocks!  Sexy body, so-so voice, lots of money. At least enough to drop $8000 at a strip joint.  She has everything going for her you would agree.

 

A magazine in Dutchland described Her Royal Highness as a Nigger Bitch and she got royally upset.  She tweeted, “Who u calling Nigger Bitch?Bitch!  U ain’t even know english!  What u wrote is an abasement and insult me and the other little niggers out there! No peace out for you! Wigger ho bitch!  Oh and here are three words for u and your peeps on behalf of the black race you dissed, ‘F**k u!”  Oh Rihanna…

 

RiRi also said some stuff about evolution, race, future leaders and degrading.  I am not sure why she ended up talking about herself.  Then she later posted a photo of her with a toddler, calling him her ‘Lil’ Nigger’.  When asked how come she could use such derogatory terms but takes offense when someone else does, Rihanna mumbled something about being black, flashed her boobs, kissed her gal pal, slapped Chris Brown, exhaled her marijuana smoke, flashed her crotch and give the reporter the finger.  Such a classy woman!  Anything less would be an abasement to humans.

Oh, she also wanted to let her fans know that she’s not pregnant.  Just a bit bloated, bitch!

 

Read it for yourself:

 

Rihanna does not appreciate the N.B comment
Ni**er Bi**h Irks RiRi
Rihanna calls toddler her little nig**r

 

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Momma Said Keep Your Legs Closed Except For Maybe A Little Gap…

The much-coveted thigh gap

The much-coveted thigh gap

It is often said some girls are so tight that you have to pry their legs open with a crow bar.  Luckily for those men without crow bars or the strength to open up their women’s legs like oysters, women are simplifying things.  Men, say hello to the Thigh Gap! The latest trend among women and especially teen girls.

Girls whose thighs were once so close that they looked like mermaids, are now showing off thighs that are so far apart, you’d think they had a fight the night before.  You can see daylight through their legs now.  Easier access to the pearl.

On the serious side, our teenage daughters are starving themselves to acquire this ‘hot’ look!  Skinnier thighs equals thigh gaps.  An unhealthy practice to say the least.

I was never a fan of gap-toothed grin but a gap-thighed look? I dunno.  I have always been drawn to peep holes.  A thigh gap might be one of the best thing a wife could do for her husband also.  “Honey, you can stand in front of me if you want. I see the tv through your legs. It’s quite ok.”

So, do you have a thigh gap? Can I see forever through your thighs?  Is it naturally made or self-engineered?

An example where the before beats the after.

An example where the before beats the after.

I am not fat but my thighs sometimes rub together when I run.  This bothers me as it is a wee bit uncomfortable and stings.   Also, my ‘third thigh’ has to compete for space with two bigger and tougher muscle heads.  With a thigh gap, at least the little guy has some room to swing.  Yep, I think I need a thigh gap.

I’ll leave you with a little joke I heard way back.  At a young woman’s funeral, a man was overheard saying, “Finally they are both together.”  The person close to him asked, “Oh, her husband is dead?”  “No”, was the response, “I was talking about her legs.”

What’s better than yoga pants? See-through yoga pants of course.

Wrap Pant for yoga

Wrap Pant for yoga (Photo credit: lululemon athletica)

Apparently Lululemon does not agree with my above sentiments, judging from their reaction when it was found that the sheer material used to make the popular yoga pants, made them see-through.  And who wants to be seen through?  Anyways, Lululemon promptly pulled the pants down off the shelves.  What about company transparency? They apparently had a similar issue with their swimsuits last year.  I never noticed…

Like I said in a previous post, here, there’s nothing more flattering on a woman than a pair of yoga pants.  To me, the greatest invention by far.  Coincidentally, this couldn’t come at a better time as I was thinking lately that it’s time I step up and do my part in protecting our environment.  I cannot allow these pants to go to a landfill as God only knows what secret ingredient Lululemon adds to them to make them so addictive.  And seriously, do you want whatever that is to leak into our air? I didn’t think so.  So what I am going to do is collect them all in the name of charity.  What charity?  Who cares?  Just in the name of charity.  Anyways, can you just read the darn blog and stop interrupting?  I am going to take the pants and give them as gifts to my female friends.  Just the ones I like.  And don’t worry wifey, you’ll get a pair too.  How do you like me now?

I am not sure if Big Butt Betty should get a pair…

And in other unrelated news, statistics have shown a sharp increase in male memberships are yoga classes in the last few months.

Hey! Who are you calling a pig?!

 

Those black yoga pants!

Grammy Backlash

thDid you happen to catch the Grammy awards last night?  I did.  It wasn’t a blast or anything special but it also wasn’t a total waste of my time either.  I noticed that the stars took their memo seriously and did not show the underside of their breasts or buttocks.  Jlo flashed some sexy legs, Katy Perry I am sure was smuggling mini soccer balls disguised as breasts and Kelly Rowland of Destiny Child’s fame wore a teasing dress that revealed much but revealed little.  Is that the underside of a boob? No. Yes. No.  Oh heck, who cares? She looked hot, at least in my opinion. But other than those, the usual suspects like Rihanna et al, were modestly dressed.  What’s this world coming to?  See some great pics here.  (No seriously, check it out).

Hmm…Good old Prince showed up, looking very much like…Prince?  Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, my favorite country couple, were there looking very much in love.  I didn’t notice as I wasn’t wearing my tv glasses but I read online that she had braces on. ‘Faith Hill Rocks Braces!’.  Screamed the headlines.  Seriously folks, I don’t care who you are, no one rocks braces.  You either look geeky or you look not bad but rocking them? No. That’s how weird and wacky fashion trends are started.  Rocked braces…gimme a break.  If she went naked would she have ‘rocked the naked look’?  Ok, bad example but you get the point, right?

I heard that Carrie Underwood wore a $31 million necklace.  Too bad I couldn’t tell.  Could you?  It looked like a regular necklace to me.  Wait a minute, I didn’t even notice that she was wearing a necklace.

The performances were not too bad.  Did you happen to catch Carrie Underwood’s jumbotron dress? Kinda neat, kinda cheesy.  Most of the acts were, as they say on American Idol, safe.  Nothing special.  I was excited to hear that there was going to be a Bob Marley tribute song but was put off and disappointed by what I got.  I guess as a big fan of reggae music, I had my expectations set too high.  It’s not like they were going to drop some serious hardcore Bob…

I saw in the news that Taylor Swift may have taken a shot at her ex, Harry Styles, in her opening song, Here.  What else is new with this chick? Her schtick is getting old fast.  So much talent wasted on drama songs.  Come on Taylor, this ain’t high school.  Welcome to the real world of hump and dump.

Oh before I go, I should mention something about the actual award recipients shouldn’t I?  After all that’s what it’s all about.  Once again, I had to keep checking google to see who some of the nominees and winners were.  How could they win when nobody knows who they are? Maybe I need to watch more MTV.  

And what the heck was Adele wearing?  If my granny old couch grew pale legs and showed up at the awards, that’s what it would look like.  Beautiful voice, beautiful gal, gawd awful dress.

You just want to sit on her, don't you?

You just want to sit on her, don’t you?

CBS Says No To Crack At Grammys

42nd Annual Grammy Awards - Pressroom

If you were planning on watching the Grammy awards to catch a glimpse of some skins, you know a nipple slip here, a butt cheek there or if you are lucky, a pale crack, think again.   CBS has issued an advisory to stars to keep their privates private.  The email read:

CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic.

Now how are these perpetually half naked bimbos stars going to deal with this setback?  Well expect more ‘wardrobe malfunctions’ and ‘accidental’ nipple slips.  Maybe Rihanna, while bending to pick up something, maybe the award, will rip her dress or something.   Who knows, maybe someone would show up wearing the intimacy 2.0.  We’ll see…or we won’t

In the meantime, don’t plan on going ga ga over Ga Ga’s ta tas.

Designer Designs Dress That Turns Transparent When Wearer Is Sexually Aroused

r-TRANSPARENT-DRESS-large570I am not joking.  I just read this.  I know I shouldn’t believe everything that I read but it is legit.  A designer has actually come up with a dress that gets transparent when the person wearing it gets sexually aroused.  It is called ‘Intimacy 2.0’ and it just punted that new Facebook app, Bang With Friends, right out of the park.  This is the next big thing!

I admit that being a man, my first, ok my second thought was, ‘Are they designing pants like that for me?’  I then got carried away with mental scenarios.

I am in class and suddenly noticed that hot chick next to me is slowly losing her clothing.  It is disappearing!  The thought that she’s having sexual thoughts makes my intimacy 2.0 pants start disappearing also.  Right there in class! Oh no! Oh yes!

Me:  (to hot chick)  See what you did?

Hot Chick:  What did I do?

Me:  Well you got horny and made me horny thinking of you being horny and now we are both sitting here with our junk exposed.  Thanks a lot!

Hot Chick:  That’s not my fault.  I didn’t tell you to get horny.

Me: Duh…I’m a man. Of course I would react to your reaction

Hot chick: Sorry, I was just thinking of Mr. Grey

Me:  Oh by the way, can I at least add you on Facebook to my filf list?

Hot Chick:  What’s that?

Me:  Never Mind.

I know, I am such a dreamer…always getting carried away with my overactive imagination.  But just think though, if this design ever take off, (pardon the pun), every party could be an orgy, every beach a nude beach.  Even the churches won’t be sacred. (Another pun). Your girlfriend would make you wear an intimacy 2.0 pants around her girlfriends to see if you have the hots for any of them.  “Aha! I saw that! You want to bang my friend Alice, don’t you?  I can see your pee pee, you horn dog!”

Man, wouldn’t it be an ego boost to walk past a group of women and see their clothes react?  You want a piece of this, don’t ya?  Well don’t just stand there, come and get it!  Not so fast Mary.

I have never bought into the myth that what women wear makes them deserving of being raped and I still don’t but I do think that any woman wearing an intimacy 2.0 is asking for trouble.  Unless of course they wear it in the privacy, comfort and safe confines of my house.