When I were a little horn dog, experiencing puberty and mentally humping everything in skirts, where were those perverted but sexy female teachers who prey on their students? Like the one here. So not fair!
Where were those understanding teachers who see past their students failures and ineptitude and see them as just needing to be held and to be loved? You know what I’m talking about, those teachers who have never heard the word ‘fail’. So not fair!
Those anti-bullying laws, where were they when I…you got the point, and it’s so not fair!
Yoga pants, scantily clad girls, gadgets, cool parents who give allowances and let you drive their cars, LGBT acceptance, Fifty Shades Of Grey, talentless singers, easily-accessible porn…where the heck were they back in my day?
It’s here! Final Fricking Ly! 50 Shades Of Grey is in theaters! Are you going to see it? I am not. Got you there! I have nothing against watching some S&M porn but there are better ones easily accessible on my mac! I can choose my S and my M’s.
The thing is, I would find it embarrassingly awkward sitting in a packed theater watching sex on a big screen with total strangers. I may or may not get aroused but there may be a risk of that. Getting aroused while seated beside a less-than-sexy stranger is just plain gross and bordering on disgusting! It sure would be a nice kinky and voyeuristic experience if a hot blonde/brunette/woman was rubbing elbows with me while I…nevermind!
What would the other pervs theater-goers think when they see me getting up to go to the bathroom? I would dare not leave my seat for fear they might jump to conclusion on the nature of my departure. No ma’am, I simply cannot partake in a mass porn watching affair. I have never been one who enjoy getting horny in the presence of shady strangers. Sometimes I can’t help myself and I do but it doesn’t mean I like and enjoy it. Like my massage table appointments for example…
So you see, I would turn 50 shades of something if I were to subject myself to such a potentially embarrassing situation. Fifty Shades Of Grey should be the only thing coming in a theater near you.
Say what? They are planning on making a movie based on the book ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’? Well I don’t know too much about that book except from what I got from peering over my wife’s shoulder as she read it. Oh, and from the snippets of information she kept passing to me. (Like I care), Oh, and from those times I actually picked it up when she wasn’t home and skim-read it. It was just porn in written form, that’s it that’s all. Oh and badly written to boot. What’s to make a movie of? No! Of course I’m not jealous! What’s there to be jealous of?Mr. Grey? Gimme a break, he’s fictitious! Who cares if that hunk Charlie Hunman (Jax from Sons of Anarchy), is cast to play the role of the over-sexed Christian Grey? It’s still dumb! Good thing he changed his mind and wanted nothing to do with this joke.
Ok, let’s pretend for a minute that I am a married middle-aged, sex-starved woman who ate the book up like a cop at a doughnut buffet. I know it’s make belief but my mind has conjured up this larger-than-life picture of Christian. He’s as hot as they come and he could fulfil my wildest sexual desire at anytime. Oh yeah! Bring it on Mr. Grey! You hot hunk of burning love! Now, how do I react to hearing that my favorite book of all time is coming to a theatre next to me? Hmm, maybe I would be coming in a theatre next to you…Sorry for that juicy tidbit.
Ugh! ok, you can stop pretending now. Back to reality here people! There are way better books out there that are way more movie worthy. So why not them? Why this garbage? Sorry ladies, it. is. garbage. Plain and simple. Nothing else. And no, for the last time, I AM NOT JEALOUS!!! If you ask me, it’s just a cheap reason for housewives to read and watch porn without the guilt. And you dare call me a dirty man for reading Hustler and Playboy? (For the records, I don’t).
I’ll let you in on a little secret, there are way better erotic movies out there that can get your juices flowing, if you know what I mean. As a matter of fact, just last week, me and the wife rented a movie called…wait a minute! It’s none of your business.