Pimpin Ain’t Easy But Think Of The Money, Man.

th-5I am exactly what you are looking for.  I would do whatever you want, whenever you want and however you want it.  I have a lot of experience but willing to learn.  The last person I was with, I lasted a long long time.  I left because it was no longer working out.  Take me!

Looking for work is like pimping out yourself, isn’t it?  You go to these interviews and try to sell yourself.  I am great! I am good! I would do whatever you have to do to convince employers that you are what their company needs and you are better than the next candidate.  Sometimes you have to twist the truth just a tad to gain that edge.  Ok, maybe sometimes even more than a tad. If so, it’s up to you to live up to that hype if and when you get hired.

Saying this, I guess I’m really good at pimping as I did an awesome job and finally landed a job. I’m back in the employment business! Can I get a whoop whoop!?  Well hear this…

I have never worked for a family business before.  I have always worked for companies that were all over the globe or at least North America.  I wasn’t expecting how different it was.  The good thing was that the pay was an increase from my last job.

On my first day, I was told I had to sign in.  What the eff is that?  I thought.  Then as I stood at the punch clock trying to figure out what the hell to do with the card in my hand bearing my name, the accountant came to my rescue.  “It’s easy.  Just put it in like this then push that.”  It was easy.

Finding a clean washroom was harder.  There were two and they were both cringe worthy.  Dirty sinks, over-flowing garbage, dirty floors.  I was scared to touch anything.  I asked the accountant who was now my best friend, if they needed a cleaning company.  “Oh we are so small that we dont go through that much garbage.  We have someone come in once a week.”  Hmmm…O.K…

At my last work, I was a spoiled coffee brat.  Enjoying different flavours of coffees with a reckless abandon, with flavoured creamers.  No such thing here.  A coffee pot sat on a brewer, filled with cheap Maxwell House coffee.  Close by were containers of powdered coffee mate.  All stuff I never touch.  I was aghast but hid it well.  Ahhhh…Coffee! I said out loud as I spotted the thing in the corner.

To sum it up, I had to squeeze my lunch in a corner of a small bar fridge shared by everyone else and washed my cup in the bathroom sink as there was no actual lunch room, hence no sink.  In fact the coffee maker had to share table space with the fax machine.  Think of the money…think of the money…Oh and in the interview don’t forget the guy said they are like family here. I love family.

The kicker was the breaks, especially the lunch breaks.  There was nowhere to go so everyone stayed at their desks working through their given 15 minutes breaks.  Lunch was no different.  I didn’t want to be interrupted during my sacred time so I took my lunch to my car and ate it there.  I went to the boss and asked if I could just tag my two 15 minute breaks unto my lunch so I could have an hour lunch.  He said it was ok as long as I let them know first.  Say what? Think of the money, man. The money!!

Ok, I’m still there so you are wondering what’s the upside.  Well except for two women, it’s an All-Men work place.  No teenagers with hangovers from partying, no drama queens, no gossipy old lady, no bosses with god complex.  It’s close to home but far from any shopping malls or stores which means less spending on my lunch break.  The work is almost exactly what I did in my last stint and the guys are actually not bad to work with and for.  One fella has been there for 30 years enjoying the perks,or lack of.  So I think I will live and when it gets bad all I have to do is think of the money, man, think money!

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Cheaters, Liars and Food Wasters

thYesterday’s blog left a really bad taste in my mouth.  Not literally of course.  I owe it to you to write a make-up blog to erase that memory.  After all I am not a foul-mouthed person as a first time reader might have thought.  I don’t do gross. Right? Right?

Ok, let me tell you about my lunch today.  I paid Burger King a rare visit, it being Whopper Wednesday and all.  It was quite an experience.  The things you see everything in places like that.  I saw a man cheating on his poor wife.  How do I know?  Well he was with this hottie and they were laughing and enjoying each other’s company.  No cell phones were visible and he even pulled out her chair!  The Cheating bastard!  I wish his wife could have seen the silly happy grin on his face…

There was an ad for hand-spun shakes and for a second I was interested but then I noticed that they  were actually getting the shakes from a machine like every other restaurant.  No one was standing there whipping it manually.  Rip off! It’s like saying your restaurant sells homemade fries yet I can see the chef in the back peeling then frying the darn things.  Nice try, liar!

I ordered a whopper avec fromage meal  That’s a whopper with cheese for you non-french. I substituted my fries for onion rings because…I can.  After I was done eating the rings, I opened up the burger only to find that it was sans fromage!  That’s ‘without cheese’ for you non-french-speaking readers.  I was aghast! “My cheese! Where’s my cheese!”  I screamed to no one in particular.  “I want it my way!” Just kidding, I didn’t say any of that.  I re-wrapped the evidence and presented it as exhibit ‘A’ to the BK person to rectify.  I also watched in dismay as he threw it in the garbage!  “And you couldn’t ask me if I wanted it?”  I thought to myself.  No kidding this time, I did think that.  All I wanted was cheese added to the burger.  He didn’t have to toss it out.  I wouldn’t have complained if he had opened it up and slap a piece of reluctant cheese in the thing.  Cuz I’m cool like that.  But no, he dumped it out without offering it to me first.  To make matters worse, I was still a bit hungry after eating the replacement whopper. Not happy.  Is that what the king would have done? Do he know that there are starving bloggers out there?  Starving blog readers even?

Quite an eventful lunch break you’ll agree.  Again, I apologize for yesterday’s post.  lol.  I won’t even link to it here.

Filling My Ass!

Oatmeal

Oatmeal (Photo credit: desegura89)

 

Oatmeal is great as a breakfast choice as it’s very filling and makes you not feel hungry for  the better part of the morning.  Yeah right! Filling my ass! (And you thought the topic meant something else. Boo!).

 

I have been on this ‘eat oatmeal porridge every morning’ kick for some time now.  There must be something wrong with me because the ‘filling’ part of it is missing.  Or maybe I need to add a few pieces of toasts, couple slices of bacon, because bacon goes great with everything, and maybe some sausages and an egg or two.  Then it would be filling for sure.  After my first bowl, I am usually still hungry and the ‘filling’ doesn’t kick it  until after the third bowl.  In the time it takes to make three bowls, I could have had a real man’s breakfast.

 

So claim debunked.  It’s a myth.  Oatmeal is not really filling, unless you are an ant.

 

 

Bless this woman that I’m about to eat…

Eat me!

Eat me!

Well kick me in the ass and call me Susan! The news is just getting weirder and weirder. Beam me up Scotty, signs of lifeforms are nil down here. Ok here it is. A New York police officer has been arrested and charged with the crime of plotting to eat women. Calm down. I am not talking about that kind of eating. He planned on actually eating as in munching…I mean devouring them. Nevermind, you know what I mean.

But anyways, the cop was recorded talking to a co-conspirator detailing his plans to cook and consume a potential victim.

In an alleged on-line exchange between Valle and a coconspirator included in the complaint, Valle is quoted saying, “I was thinking of tying her body onto some kind of apparatus . . . cook her over a low heat, keep her alive as long as possible.”

“I love that she is asleep right now not have the slightest clue of what we have planned,” Valle allegedly wrote. “Her days are numbered . . . She does look tasty, doesn’t she?”

“You do know if we don’t waste any of her, there is nearly 75 lbs of food there,” replied the alleged co-conspirator, who also allegedly asked Valle, “What’s your favorite cut of meat?”

When the alleged co-conspirator asked Valle, “How big is your oven?”, Valle is alleged to have responded, “Big enough to fit one of these girls if I folded their legs.”

I realize that the price of food is skyrocketing but this is ridiculous! Human meat is fast becoming a delicacy and in high demand. This is far from being the only such case like this. In a few years from now we might be seeing restaurants boasting that they serve authentic succulent brunettes. I like my blondes well done sir, not rare. I hate blood. Ok, I am sorry. Eating people is no joke, organic or not. Just think, as we speak, or blog, someone is probably eating someone. Maybe right next door.

As gross as it does sound, don’t tell me you have never remotely wondered how would human meat taste. Come on…I didn’t say you craved the meat. Would a hottie taste any different from say a plain Jane?

Remember this, next time you tell someone ‘Eat Me!’ they just might.

Friday’s Folly: Watered-Down Beer Is Cause For Concern

thTo beer drinkers, it’s a criminal offense to serve them their favorite quaff after it’s been tampered with.  Worst yet, if water has been added to it.  The consequences of consuming the now less-than-effective-mind-altering liquid could be far reaching.  Well turns out that Budweiser, the king of beers, is being sued for doing just that.

Consider this.  You are at the bar drinking beers like it’s going out of style.  After about a dozen or so, you consider yourself sufficiently inebriated to make a move on the girl you have been eyeing up all night. You stumble over because that what drunks do.  She turns you down cold! And you are embarrassed.  You shouldn’t be!  What the heck?  You should be laughing in her face!  Isn’t that the whole idea of getting sloshed?  You walk back red-faced but sober to your corner, pick up your beer and look at it suspiciously.  “Something’s just not right here…”

What happened is that you took your liquid courage and because it was watered down, it didn’t do what it was supposed to do.  Now you can’t be a jackass and blame it on the alcohol.  You cannot have what you presumed was ‘fun’.  You feel naked without your ‘beer glasses’.  It’s time to sue those cheating, lying bastards for false advertising.  Apparently, it is also a violation of consumer protection laws.  I mean they might say they were protecting you by lowering the content but what good ambulance chaser would let them get away with that?  They get away with this and next thing you know, less nicotine in our cigarettes or less salt on our fries?

Now my question is, if you were sober when you thought you were drunk, do you still pretend you are drunk or do you keep drinking until you get drunk?

 

 

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Heart Attack Claims Another Heart Attack Grill Diner

th (1)You just don’t make this shit up.  Even if sometimes, especially in times like this, I wished I did.  The world is filled with stupid people who do stupid things and because of this, we have dumb stuff that sounds made up but are true.

Ever heard of the Heart Attack Grill Restaurant? It’s a Las Vegas restaurant that prides itself on its gigantic burgers.  “Founded in 2005, the unapologetically unhealthy restaurant employs waitresses dressed as nurses and serves butterfat milkshakes, “flatliner” fries and 9,982-calorie “quadruple bypass burgers.” (Patrons who are able to finish them are escorted to their cars in wheelchairs.) Customers who weigh over 350 pounds eat free.  Since opening in Las Vegas in October 2011, there have been various reports of customers having medical emergencies while dining at the grill.”

You gotta love the way they are described as ‘unapologetically unhealthy restaurant’.  We do not apologize for your demise.  Eat at your own risk.

Unfortunately, diners are finding out exactly what’s in a name.  Lots.  The restaurant has been blamed, rightfully or unrightfully so, for the demise of two of its patrons within a two-year span.  No numbers are available on those that sought medical help after their dining experience.

“He lived a very full life,” Jon Basso, owner of the Heart Attack Grill, told the newspaper. “He will be missed.”  I told you you couldn’t make this shit up.  The owner actually made a punny funny!

Maybe he should have ‘bypassed’ the fries…

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Why I Hate Hot Chicks

I am suddenly craving a burger

I am suddenly craving a burger

It has nothing to do with being jealous.  Why would I be jealous?  I am a guy and I don’t have vagina envy.  I just don’t like hot chicks because they make me do things I shouldn’t. No, not that, well ok, that too.

Take for instance the other day.  I was watching sports on my tv, minding my own business when out of the blue, this hot chick dressed in a nice pair of skinny jeans and midriff-baring top showed up on my screen drinking Miller Genuine Draft.  Well  darn it! If this chick was drinking beer I was too. I want to be on her team.  So I went out and got me a case of beer.  Yes, Miller Genuine Draft.  I said I wanted to be on her team, didn’t I?

There are other examples.  Like the time I was reading the paper and there was an ad for a private college.  It showed a hot blonde chick sitting at her desk taking Medical Terminology. Yes, I enrolled.  I never did see her or any other hot chicks there so I quit after about a week or so.

I have bought exercise equipment, vehicles, beds, food and other some weird stuff.  Why?  Because I have a weakness for hot chicks and whatever they are doing it, I want to do it too.  Isn’t that the reason they are in the commercials?

Hot chicks are bad for me but good for business.