No More Sex!

English: Mariah Carey performing live in Las Vegas

English: Mariah Carey performing live in Las Vegas (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Did you know that if your blog contains sexually explicit material it would show up on the new blogs page? Yup, I read it myself.  I was not too happy when I found this out because a lot of the posts on Funny Side Up are sexual in nature.  Accidentally of course.

When I found out this bit of information, my first thought was, “What? There’s goes my chance of being Freshly Pressed.  If my blog gets pushed aside because of sexual innuendos, how would anyone find it?.”  Because I’m all about being FP, I have now decided to stay on the straight and narrow.  No more alluding to sex.  No porny talk.  Family friendly here I come!  Talking about come… Oops, never you mind!

So starting immediately, I am going to keep it clean and family friendly. I am going to make a case for Freshly Pressed consideration.  If a celebrity was caught with their pants down literally, you won’t hear about it from me. If Rihanna shows her crotch or Miley has a nipple slip, you can find that out on your own.  Even if my girl Mariah has a wardrobe malfunction, I won’t touch it.  The topic I mean…I am done being the potty-mouth one.

To you my loyal followers, I apologize for switching gears in midstream but being Freshly Pressed is very important to me.  As you can see, even more important than sex.

So, what do you want to talk about?

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The Mysterious Woman At The Freshly Pressed Coffee House and Restaurant

IMG00074-20100801-1906Everyone at The Freshly Pressed Coffee House and Restaurant turned to look.  Some stared without apology.  I didn’t.  I couldn’t.  I looked up casually and went back to my work.  I was perched on a weathered looking chair at a crooked and unpainted table in a corner of the coffee shop area.  From my vantage point, I could see who was entering or leaving and that’s how I saw her enter.  I was on a mission and couldn’t be derailed by the sight of a woman.  I was intent on writing THAT blog.  The big one.  The one that would get my name up there with the pros. This woman would not rob me of this opportunity!

The Freshly Pressed Coffee Shop and Restaurant is far from being an upscale restaurant.  The decor is limited and consists of wooden tables covered by white and cheap looking tablecloths.  The chairs are not comfortable.  Hardwood floors looked ready for a makeover. In fact, the entire restaurant screamed for a makeover.  With its dimly lit interior, you really needed the coffee to keep you awake, unless you kept awake by blogging about something interesting.  The lingering aroma of every different blend of coffee hangs in the air mixed with whatever food was hot out of the kitchen.  Despite what it didn’t have going for it, it was invitingly warm and cozy and the atmosphere was very welcoming.  It had a homely feel to it and that’s why I chose to blog here.  It was my Eden.  My little niche was situated in the farthest and darkest corner.  From my vantage point, I could the comings and goings but usually don’t.

From the corner of my eye I saw the woman make a bee line for the table right next to mine.  I smelled her perfume before she was close enough to fully drink her in.  Liz Taylor perfume? No, too young. She was only about 30 was my guess and a stunner!  A definite head turner.  Now it was my turn to stare at the thing of beauty.  Kate Hudson and Jessica Alba all rolled into one.  Her long blonde hair flowed orderly down the nape of her neck which had a red silk scarf hanging loosely around it.  She wore a low-necked black blouse complemented by a hip-hugging and contour-revealing black skirt that flirted with the top of her knees.  Black leather boots came up her long legs.  Her face was angelic.  Brushed with a light touch of makeup and a hint of lipstick on her pouty lips.  I also noticed that she wore no wedding band.  In fact, her long and well manicured fingers were bare.  Not that it would have made a difference to me.  She was out of my league.  Plus I was a married blogger.  In love with this mysterious but beautiful woman whose peach-like lips opened up partly to reveal her magnificent pearly whites in a smile.  She smiled at me!

Now where was I?

The Reluctant Wordpress Model

The reluctant Klichkos, forced to model for WordPress

Vladmir Klichko was not having a good day.  In fact, he was having a terrible day.  He should have been playing with his kids,  5-year old Alexander  and 2-year old Alyssa, but here he was, reluctantly posing for a photo for some blog-hosting website called WordPress.  At least that’s what he was told.

The day started out as any other for the Klitchko family.  Vladmir’s wife had died last year and he was left to take care of the children by himself.  Today being Sunday, he planned on taking them to church then for ice cream.  They were dressed and getting ready to leave when it all went downhill.

As Alexander and his sister were at the front door putting their coats on, the door burst open and in stormed 3 members of the Secret Police. “Hands in the air and stay where you are!” They shouted.  The kids immediately started to cry and Vladmir instantly and instinctively ran over to comfort them. “We said stop!” The man closest to him growled and slammed his gun butt on the back of his head.  Vladmir crumpled to the floor in a heap.  Luckily, he was still conscious and there was no blood.  “What do you want from us?”  He asked, trying to sound brave.  The one who first issued the order to stay put stepped forward until he was standing close to Vladmir.  “Listen carefully.  We were sent here by WordPress.  Our order was to get you to pose for a photo with your kids.”

Vladmir was confused.  What the hell is WordPress?  Why me? What do they want with a picture and why send the secret police?  Were the questions that went through his head.  To the speaker who was obviously the leader also, he asked, “What is our photo going to be used for?”  He was curious and afraid of what the answer might be.  He was even more confused by what it was.  “We need your photo as a motivation for WordPress’ Weekly Writing Challenge.”  “What’s that?” He ventured to ask. “WordPress is a host website for bloggers.” was the reply.

Poor Vladmir was swimming in an ocean of confusion.  He had never heard of WordPress before and he barely knew what blogging was. “You look confused my friend.  Wordpress hosts writers and would-be writers who write blogs.  A blog is very much like a journal of thoughts, comments and stuff like that.  Wordpress holds weekly challenge to get bloggers to be creative.  They need a photo of you and your family to use as this week’s motivation for writing.” The leader seemed less hostile.  “So why did you barge in here with guns drawn if that’s all you wanted?”  “We are the secret police, it’s the way we work.  Sorry about that blow to your head.  My guy there is a bit of a loose cannon.  Now let’s get this thing started.”

Vladmir was taken outside and posed for shot after shot.  He kept having to do retakes as he was told his expression was too glum. It was hard to get the sour look off his face.  He was unimpressed.   Alexander and Alyssa were biting their lips, trying to stop themselves from crying.  Alexander wanted to prove to daddy that he was a big boy.

As Vladmir posed for what would turn out to be the final shot and the one that would be used as the WordPress photo, his Freshly Pressed pants were now a bit creased from his being on the floor, he thought, “I hate you! You WordPress Bloggers! You can press this!  You want a challenge? I will give you a challenge.  Try leaving me and my family alone!”

After the reluctant but successful photo session, the Klichkos were allowed back into the house.  Vladmir did not feel very much like church anymore and the kids were no different. “Daddy, can we go upstairs and watch TV?”  Asked Alexander.  Vladmir was glad for the alone time to gather himself.  “Yes, go ahead.” He replied.  When they were gone and he was left by himself, he went over to the old relic of a computer he had in his study.  He opened up a browser and in the search box, he typed, ‘WordPress’.

That was my hurriedly written entry for the Weekly Writing Challenge.  I wrote it at work and had to rush it a bit.

Related:

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2012/11/05/weekly-writing-challenge-a-picture-is-worth-1000-words/

The blog that got away

Writing

This one will knock their socks off!

I am not trying anymore.  To write a killer blog, that is.  You see, I have written, as Saddam Hussein would have called it, the mother of all blogs.  The pièce de résistance, the crème de la crème. And what do I have to show for it?  Nothing. Zilch. Nada.  No appreciation. No recognition.  In fact, my hurriedly written pieces have garnered more respect.

To be honest, I can’t remember what blog it was but I know when I was  done writing, I had this sense of accomplishment and thought, “This is good stuff.  People are going to love it.  Freshly Pressable for sure.”   I had all my ducks line up.  My T’s were crossed and my I’s dotted.  The topic was fresh and applicable and the delivery delivered like a professional writer.  At least in my opinion.  Yep, this was the one.

I clicked ‘Publish’ and waited.  And waited.  And waited...If I write it they will come, right? Well I wrote it so why weren’t they coming? I kept checking for that bright orange star signifying that I had received a ‘like’.  It stayed grey. At the end of the day, it had one view.  One view! My dream blog.  My masterpiece, only viewed once!  A virtual slap in the face! How embarrassing!  Damn waste of my time and mind!  I should quit blogging!

Now as I keep blogging, I wonder if I could ever come close to matching the blog that got away, the one you didn’t read.  The one with the one view and no stars.  Like I said,  I am not sure which blog I remember it being a dandy.

So let me ask you, have you ever written such a blog?  One that you seriously thought was one of your better work and then watched as it went by relatively unnoticed?  Which blog was it? I’ll go check it out right now.  In the meantime, go take a gander at my masterpiece.  It’s in there somewhere.

The Lowdown On How To Be Freshly Pressed

Justin Bieber, Snoop Dog or even Porn are not going to get me featured on WordPress bloggers’ pedestal, Freshly Pressed.  I know this because I have read the blogs that got pressed.  I have my personal version of FP and it’s called,  ‘Recent Posts’, find it on my site.  But if you, like other fanatic bloggers out there, are seeking fame and fortune, read on for the lowdown on how to have your fifteen seconds of fame.

Do you have great photos? Scratch that, do you have some black and white pics of whatever?  The Twin Towers, a beach, somewhere?  Post it in a blog.  Doesn’t matter the content, the pictures will tell the story.  Photos of food, clothing, statues, animals, are also sure to get you noticed.  You don’t believe me? browse FP for yourself.

Recipes are another surefire means of getting some attention.  It doesn’t have to be of anything tasty or even legit.  Heck, make one up off the top of your head.  Be sure to use exotic ingredients and call it something different, like ‘How to make Mazxiikl’.  Oh and add pictures as you go along.  Pictures DO NOT have to match food.  A photo of a big mac will do.

Here’s a good one, travel blogs.  This is almost guaranteed to get you FP’d.   Now I am not saying to get up and leave the confines of your computer chair and book a trip just so  you could be one of the lucky few.  No no.  Google some pics of Greece, Rome, Italy, Zimbabwe, Rhodesia…  getting where I am going with this?  Make sure there is water, lakes, rivers, oceans and then describe each photo with something like this, ‘Took this shot from the window of our guest house.  What a lovely day it was.’  How fricking easy is that? And voila! you are on your way to counting stars.  I am almost jealous already.

Hmmm…before I go, let me see if I miss anything.  Stick men are good and so are books, politics and movies.  Don’t be hesitant, you need not know squat about any of them, most bloggers don’t either but they are on FP aren’t they? So go for it!  (Some people will try to tell you how you should follow this rule and that rule and use perfect english etc but it’s all nonsense.  Just a blog topic for them).

I can’t think of anymore right now but if I do, I will be sure to pass it on.   Good luck on your aspirations to be Freshly Pressed.  Read you later!

Note: Please don’t be too surprised if your blog lacks substance but still garners 300+ likes.