Don’t you just hate it? You are all warm and cozy and enjoying your sleep like good sex, you reach down to pull the receding blankets up to your shoulders and as you do, the darn alarm goes off! A pre-mature ejaculation of epic proportions! You thought you were in the middle of the best sleep of your life but unknowingly, it was about to end abruptly. No warning. Just Beep! Beep! Beep!…
So I have invented a new family game that will help everyone understand what to do when in the presence of the Queen. Seems like some people still don’t get it. The game is still in its infancy stages but the premise of it is that players would be faced with different scenarios where they are forced to make decisions to save the queen but not allowed to touch her in any way. You touch her, you lose.
Here’s one such scenario. Liz is on the sinking Titanic and all her handlers have perished and poor Liz is frantic and alone. She’s not used to this so she’s way out of her element and sobbing like an infant. Liz wants off the ship that’s sinking faster than the popularity of the Monarchy. Tossing protocol aside, she reaches her arm out to you for help. Yes, the Queen is reaching out to you, a peon. A commoner! Was that a pig flying overhead?
So, the question is, what do you do? Remember, YOU CAN’T TOUCH THE QUEEN! While you ponder this, here’s another one. The 91 year old Liz is ascending some stairs which at her age, could be a daunting if not treacherous task. You are the closest person to her and you are certain she might trip over the royal rug. You were right! The old lady stumbles towards you and only you could halt her descent. What do you do?
I await your answers…
She was having second thoughts about this. It was her first time after all. She’s seen it done on TV and heard people talk about it and how painful it could be. Now it was her turn and as she reclined waiting for him to come into the room, she wasn’t sure she could go through with it. In fact she was sure she didn’t.
He walked in, his instrument held in his hand and pointing upwards. As he approached her, she could see a tiny bead of liquid on the tip. She looked away. “Don’t worry, I will try to be gentle.” He said reassuringly. “I have done many times.” She knew he recently did it to her mom and her sisters but it didn’t make her feel any better.
Then he leaned in. The thing was inches from touching her. She recoiled. “No, please I don’t think I can do this!” In a calm voice he said, “Don’t worry, I won’t take long and I promise it would be done before you know it.” He produced a wipe and dabbed at the area. She felt a coldness on her skin then before she could say anything else, he plunged it in her!
Before she knew it, he pulled it out, stood up and smiled at her. “I told you I won’t be long. It wasn’t that bad now, was it? There might be a little blood but nothing to worry about.” He patted her head. “You were a brave girl. I will see you in a year for your next flu shot.”
I didn’t know it was possible for a person to choose their sexual orientation. That’s not all, one could also get their kids to grow up as a…a…uhm…thing? No wait, an unassigned-gendered organism or being. Yup! yes siree!
I just read, that in British Columbia, (That’s in Canada for you Mercan folks), a baby was giving a ‘U’ for sexual orientation on its health card on the request of the parent who wants to raise the kid as a sex-fence straddler. (I made that word up by the way).
The parent thinks it infringes on the baby’s human rights to be forced to live like a
duck boy or girl. Parent X wants baby Y to choose whether it wants to continue on as a male or female once Baby Y is old enough. (Let’s use X and Y here for clarity). Being gendered without a choice is socially crippling to Baby Y, according to parent x. (Not exactly their words but mine sounds better).
So all these years, I could have been a gir/woman, boy/man and later on pick my sex? Imagine the naked girls I could have seen as I changed in their locker rooms! Or the hung men! My oh my! I’ll take that and that and that! Who the heck decided that I wanted to be male anyways? Who thought I would rather boxers over G-strings? Or be a husband instead of a wife? Or play on a boys’ team instead of a girls’? Or even be on top instead of…oh never mind. Hell, I even attend an all-boys high school!
I love this new world order. Wrong is right and right is wrong. Male is female and female is whatever it wants to be. No boundaries! I tell ya, things, they are a changing…
Read story here.
Help! My cousin is missing! I haven’t seen her in about two years and someone or something has taken over all her social media accounts. Whenever I creep her Instagram, Facebook or Snapchat account, I see someone or something that looks nothing like her. This thing has rabbit ears, dog nose and flawless skin. The mouth is that of a dog’s and to top it off, there’s a crown of flowers on its/her head. What should I do? Should I file a missing person report?
I simply cannot stand the internet these days. Well not exactly the internet,the world wide web, the WWW. The thing is, not to long ago, I could do a search in Google or whatever search engine and I will click on the link I like best and it will show me ‘just the facts, sir’. Now when I click on the link, it takes me to a page with a couple of sentences that relate to the topic I searched for and the rest is INTERESTING STUFF!
Just today, I clicked on a link that was supposed to take me to videos showing the effects of Trump’s ban on immigration. The first thing that caught my eye was a photo of racks. Yes, that kind of a rack. Cleavages! Not uncovered, mind you, but enough to pique my interest, especially when it said, ‘What shape breasts are you?’
Of course I want to see how my breasts stack up against whatever ones they had on display, so Muslim Ban forgotten and off into breastland I go. I didn’t stay long though because, yes you guessed it, I was again bombarded with a bunch of other options to check out. See what the cameraman captured, Stars who showed too much, 20 things you never knew existed, animals you never knew existed…the list goes on. and on and I went on and on and on until, you guessed it, I was on some hub or something like that. Oh well..
So yes, I can’t just surf anymore. Impossible.
While in the change room in a clothing store yesterday, I was trying on a shirt that was giving me some issues and was getting frustrated until a voice spoke over the intercom, “Sir, your hat is still on.” Sheepish, I removed the obstruction and was able to get my shirt over my head.
I looked up into the camera and give a silent thank you and a thumbs up to the person watching me. The voice came back once more, ‘No problem buddy but do you always take your pants off to try on shirts?”
After the incident, I made my way to the bathroom to relieve myself before the long drive home. Again, this came with issues. I couldn’t find toilet paper. Right on cue, the voice came at me again. “Sir, the roll is on the floor behind you.” Wow! What service! I couldn’t imagine life without these
spy cams customer service cameras!
The other day while sitting on my throne, yes the toilet! I heard some disturbing noises coming from the stall beside me. Being the inquisitive type, I looked under the partition to see if I recognized the shoes. Just wanted to put a face to the noise. I know, I am weird that way. I instantly saw the shoes belonged to my boss! Gurgle! Gurgle! Splat! The unearthly sounds continued…
To save him from the embarrassment of meeting me at the sink and realizing my ears were unwilling witnesses to his toilet toils, I finished my texting and facebooking and beat a hasty retreat.
I haven’t looked at my boss the same way since that experience. He didn’t seem like the noisy shitter type either! You can never tell I guess…
I swear that some people take bathroom breaks at work just to get away and they will try to stay in there as long as they could, slackers!
Take today for instance, when I went to use the bathroom there was a guy in the stall next to me. When I left, almost one hour later, he was still there! Could you believe that? Like seriously buddy, are you hiding from work? Or are you doing your work in the privacy of a bathroom stall? Some people!
The fogging guy woke me up last night! I heard him driving down my street fogging up everything. When I looked out my bedroom window, we were all fogged! He fogged me and he fogged you too. I had not seen a mosquito around for a while so I was wondering if it was just for fog’s sake. Fogging guy…tell the little fogger to fog this!