I simply cannot stand the internet these days. Well not exactly the internet,the world wide web, the WWW. The thing is, not to long ago, I could do a search in Google or whatever search engine and I will click on the link I like best and it will show me ‘just the facts, sir’. Now when I click on the link, it takes me to a page with a couple of sentences that relate to the topic I searched for and the rest is INTERESTING STUFF!
Just today, I clicked on a link that was supposed to take me to videos showing the effects of Trump’s ban on immigration. The first thing that caught my eye was a photo of racks. Yes, that kind of a rack. Cleavages! Not uncovered, mind you, but enough to pique my interest, especially when it said, ‘What shape breasts are you?’
Of course I want to see how my breasts stack up against whatever ones they had on display, so Muslim Ban forgotten and off into breastland I go. I didn’t stay long though because, yes you guessed it, I was again bombarded with a bunch of other options to check out. See what the cameraman captured, Stars who showed too much, 20 things you never knew existed, animals you never knew existed…the list goes on. and on and I went on and on and on until, you guessed it, I was on some hub or something like that. Oh well..
While in the change room in a clothing store yesterday, I was trying on a shirt that was giving me some issues and was getting frustrated until a voice spoke over the intercom, “Sir, your hat is still on.” Sheepish, I removed the obstruction and was able to get my shirt over my head.
I looked up into the camera and give a silent thank you and a thumbs up to the person watching me. The voice came back once more, ‘No problem buddy but do you always take your pants off to try on shirts?”
After the incident, I made my way to the bathroom to relieve myself before the long drive home. Again, this came with issues. I couldn’t find toilet paper. Right on cue, the voice came at me again. “Sir, the roll is on the floor behind you.” Wow! What service! I couldn’t imagine life without these spy cams customer service cameras!
The other day while sitting on my throne, yes the toilet! I heard some disturbing noises coming from the stall beside me. Being the inquisitive type, I looked under the partition to see if I recognized the shoes. Just wanted to put a face to the noise. I know, I am weird that way. I instantly saw the shoes belonged to my boss! Gurgle! Gurgle! Splat! The unearthly sounds continued…
To save him from the embarrassment of meeting me at the sink and realizing my ears were unwilling witnesses to his toilet toils, I finished my texting and facebooking and beat a hasty retreat.
I haven’t looked at my boss the same way since that experience. He didn’t seem like the noisy shitter type either! You can never tell I guess…
I swear that some people take bathroom breaks at work just to get away and they will try to stay in there as long as they could, slackers!
Take today for instance, when I went to use the bathroom there was a guy in the stall next to me. When I left, almost one hour later, he was still there! Could you believe that? Like seriously buddy, are you hiding from work? Or are you doing your work in the privacy of a bathroom stall? Some people!
The fogging guy woke me up last night! I heard him driving down my street fogging up everything. When I looked out my bedroom window, we were all fogged! He fogged me and he fogged you too. I had not seen a mosquito around for a while so I was wondering if it was just for fog’s sake. Fogging guy…tell the little fogger to fog this!
I won’t be needing your services anymore. Why? You have the nerve to ask me why? Well darling, I trusted you. Trust is earned. Trust is scarce these days. You can’t find anyone you could trust anymore. I trusted that what we had between us would stay discreet and private, only to find out that it wasn’t so. Now I fear that my wife will soon find out about us!
Ashley, this is serious! I hooked up with you to cheat on my wife. Forget what I just said about trust. For now. I needed some discreet and private action on the side. You promised me that you were up to it. I love my wife, Ashley, of course I do! But a side thing is no harm, right honey? You even said so yourself so don’t go giving me this tude. But back to what I am writing about, I am done! I am going back to my wife and will apologize before she finds out about what we had.
Know what sucks? Is having a loose-lipped ‘other woman’. Now thanks to this, my life could be ruined…Thanks Ashley. For nothing! What? Hacked? What’s that and who cares? I don’t care baby, I trusted you and you betrayed that trust. Lose my number.
There I was, reaching without thinking to the spot that I could navigate to with closed eyes. My hands felt nothing. Well nothing that felt like what I was reaching for. My eyes flew opened. No! At least there’s a backup. My fingers reached up into the cavernous recess in search of the backup roll. Came up empty. Well not entirely. I felt the cardboard rollers that once were embraced by two-ply toilet paper. Noooo! Just when I needed it most! What do I do now?
Actual photo taken during down time
I sat there, in my work’s washroom, thinking about my next move. I will just hobble over to the other stall and grab some. I just hope I don’t get caught. Just when I was about to put my plan into action, the door opened. Please just pee and leave, I thought to myself. But the intruder opened up the door to the vacant stall next to mine and made himself at home. While I waited, I browsed Facebook and Instagram. I made myself at home too. My pants were still down to my ankle but my work in there was over. Long over.
After what seemed like an eternity, I heard rustling. The next door neighbor taunted me with the loud sound of toilet paper rolling over the holder. Teasing me. I shut out the sound. I will wait.
I followed him with my ear. Zipper up, belt tied, flushed. Listened for the hygienic hand-washing then the sound of the door opening. It was time! Like a prisoner hobbled by shackles but still trying to escape, I made my way to the next stall and the toilet paper that awaited me. I prayed that no one would come in and no one did. I sat down, breathed a sigh of relief and helped myself to a generous amount of paper. A bum wipe never felt that good…