Where Is The F In Funny?

Have you wondered where I went to since I haven’t blogged since the last time I blogged? From the traffic stats, probably not but it’s ok. I don’t blame you for not missing out on the best blog on the internet. Your loss.

Well the reason, if you must know, why I haven’t blogged is that there just isn’t much in the way of funny these days! Why so serious?

With political correctness being the order of the day, my damn toes hurt from tiptoeing around like an awkward ballet dancer. I tried to joke about Aunt Jemima but the black activists didn’t cotton to it. Oops, I did it again! I made an unintentional pun! Suck it up buttercup. I could always rephrase it and say they weren’t too sweet on it. Ok, never mind, the diabetics association just frowned on that. Pon my word!

So anyways, here we are at the crossroad of life as we once knew it. Day after day I am more confused, like Mr. Kracker says. I don’t know what is acceptable and what’s not anymore. I don’t know what to call people, (are they even called people anymore?). One day Mr. John is Mrs. John, or an IT or Non Compliant person of non determinate sex. You see where my confusion lieth?

A white guy called another white guy the N word in greetings and is banned from racing and making money from endorsement deals. Screams you, ‘DON’T BE AN IDIOT! GET WITH THE TIMES! HE SHOULD NEVER EVER USED THAT WORD! IT BRINGS BACK MEMORIES AND CONJURES UP SHIT FROM SLAVERY DAYS! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER AND SHAME ON YOU! THAT LARSON KID DESERVED WHAT HE GOT!” Hey! Lay off me. And who said it was Larson? I never called any names.

Let’s go back to the conjuring up of shit and memories. So when the N word is uttered, be it jokingly or otherwise, all within earshot are supposed to all of suddenly have flashbacks to a long ago atrocity? Memories of something never experienced? Well guess what? I never was good with computers so I think I may not have gotten that email. If you as a whitey choose to greet me in a fun way and use the N word as in, ‘Hey ma Nigger! What’s up?’ My naive self would respond with, “Hey not much bro, How about you my rednecked friend?” and we would laugh and down our beers and the world would be at peace and no one would ever hear of it. Naivety has its privileges. It’s all about context too, right? If same white person was to yell at me and go, “Yo Nigger! You don’t belong here! Go back to Africa!” I would be mad of course. Very mad! But because I didn’t get the memo, I won’t be mad because my ancestors were subjected to that word but moreso because I as a human and as a person, has just been subjected to hate and ignorance. Nothing to do with the past, just the NOW.

None of us can deny the barbaric and dehumanizing thing that was slavery. We cannot escape words, artifacts and other leftover tools that were used during this period to subject the harshest of conditions of fellow humans whose only difference was their skin color. Words like Nigger, things like a noose, etc. But, if we try to stop people from using these slavery-connected things, would that eradicate racism? If you stop saying Nigger, are you not racist any longer? Can and should we ban the use of nooses too? Should words like cotton, hang, negro and others be struck from our language? Looks like we have a bigger issue that just some words. Words are only as powerful as we let them be, a noose hanging around is just an ignorant expression of some ignorant and scared racist, so why don’t we stop giving the N word the undeserved power it is getting? Stop feeding and fanning the flames.

And for gawd’s sake, put the F in funny back!

Where Did That Black Baby Come From?

English: pic

English: pic (Photo credit: Wikipedia). This gal found out someone mixed up her male order

 

A white woman from the United States of America is suing a sperm bank in Chicago for screwing up her withdrawal. No pun. Yes pun.

 

The woman apparently wanted a white baby, who doesn’t want one of those? But instead of receiving sperm from a white donor, she was giving the seed of a black man! The nerve! The pain! The disgust!

 

Anyways, she’s doing the smart thing and suing, just to make sure mistakes like that never happen again. And in other news, I’m also suing Macdonalds for giving me a big mac instead of a quarter pounder and like the hapless female, I’m also just doing it so that mistakes like this never happen again.

 

Note:  Although I don’t know if she was ever offered a full refund upon return of the kid, I do know that Angelina Jolie heard the news and remarked, “If she doesn’t want it, I’ll take it!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday Madness: Two Man Luge Rubs Me The Wrong Way

thI love the Olympics, both winter and summer.  With athletes performing at the top of their game, looking chiseled and tool, doing what they do best, it’s just awesome!  Then there’s the two-man luge.

I never paid much attention to it until last week’s even at the Sochi Olympics.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever watched it.  For those of you who either don’t enjoy watching the Olympics or just don’t know what a two-man luge is, it’s basically what it says.  Two men in a tiny luge. Yep, they are lying on each other.

I find it rather disturbing, this two-man luge.  (Well duh, if I didn’t I won’t be blogging about it).  If you are not gay before going down that slippery slope, after a few practice rounds you might start to entertain the idea.  Even just a wee bit.

The Mayor of Sochi who before the game proclaimed that “Sochi does not have any gays” must be rolling in his grave. Oh sorry, just been informed that he’s alive and well.  I was probably thinking of Putin. He’s alive and well too? Well never mind.  Let’s just say that those homophobes are doing a slow burn each time a well-lubed luge slide down the grease path with two men in a compromising position.  Hell, even I cringe at the sight.

With an organ that’s liable to react to the slightest friction, there’s no way another of my kind is rubbing his rump on my nether region in the name of sports.  A mixed pair I wouldn’t mind. Or even a four person team with three women and the token male to do the heavy lifting.  I hear those luge are heavy.  I wonder if the Dufour-Lapointe sisters are interested…

You win some you luge some

You win some you luge some

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Sex toy or pain in the ass?

Warning:  Graphic language

 

Eel

Eel (Photo credit: rach2k)

What’s that wriggly sensation in my rectum? Ooohhh….aahhhh….I. Must. Go. To. The. Doctor. And. Get. It. Removed.  Oooh…It’s gonna make me cum!! Aarrrggghhh!!  Shit!

Now that I have your attention with that opener, let’s get down to some serious blogging.  A man complaining of wanted unwanted sensation in his rectum, went to the doctor and found out he had an eel slipping and sliding along like it owned the joint.  The man was at first reluctant to part with this foreign object of pleasure, understandably, but had to out of embarrassment.  He did however, asked if he could keep the creature.

Apparently, this man was not alone in regards to having an eel in his nether regions.  A Chinese man also had one taking up residence in his bladder.  It had apparently made its way through the head of his penis and up his urethra.  Don’t ask.  Sounds to me like a rogue eel wandering into places it shouldn’t have. My guess is it was probably fun until it crossed the border.

Could you imagine an eel playing turtle with your sphincter?  Now you see me, now you don’t…This game is getting boring, I’ll go play with the old prostate and see what happens…

The moral of this story?  Some exits are not to be used as entrances.