The Reluctant WordPress Model

The reluctant Klichkos, forced to model for WordPress

Vladmir Klichko was not having a good day.  In fact, he was having a terrible day.  He should have been playing with his kids,  5-year old Alexander  and 2-year old Alyssa, but here he was, reluctantly posing for a photo for some blog-hosting website called WordPress.  At least that’s what he was told.

The day started out as any other for the Klitchko family.  Vladmir’s wife had died last year and he was left to take care of the children by himself.  Today being Sunday, he planned on taking them to church then for ice cream.  They were dressed and getting ready to leave when it all went downhill.

As Alexander and his sister were at the front door putting their coats on, the door burst open and in stormed 3 members of the Secret Police. “Hands in the air and stay where you are!” They shouted.  The kids immediately started to cry and Vladmir instantly and instinctively ran over to comfort them. “We said stop!” The man closest to him growled and slammed his gun butt on the back of his head.  Vladmir crumpled to the floor in a heap.  Luckily, he was still conscious and there was no blood.  “What do you want from us?”  He asked, trying to sound brave.  The one who first issued the order to stay put stepped forward until he was standing close to Vladmir.  “Listen carefully.  We were sent here by WordPress.  Our order was to get you to pose for a photo with your kids.”

Vladmir was confused.  What the hell is WordPress?  Why me? What do they want with a picture and why send the secret police?  Were the questions that went through his head.  To the speaker who was obviously the leader also, he asked, “What is our photo going to be used for?”  He was curious and afraid of what the answer might be.  He was even more confused by what it was.  “We need your photo as a motivation for WordPress’ Weekly Writing Challenge.”  “What’s that?” He ventured to ask. “WordPress is a host website for bloggers.” was the reply.

Poor Vladmir was swimming in an ocean of confusion.  He had never heard of WordPress before and he barely knew what blogging was. “You look confused my friend.  Wordpress hosts writers and would-be writers who write blogs.  A blog is very much like a journal of thoughts, comments and stuff like that.  Wordpress holds weekly challenge to get bloggers to be creative.  They need a photo of you and your family to use as this week’s motivation for writing.” The leader seemed less hostile.  “So why did you barge in here with guns drawn if that’s all you wanted?”  “We are the secret police, it’s the way we work.  Sorry about that blow to your head.  My guy there is a bit of a loose cannon.  Now let’s get this thing started.”

Vladmir was taken outside and posed for shot after shot.  He kept having to do retakes as he was told his expression was too glum. It was hard to get the sour look off his face.  He was unimpressed.   Alexander and Alyssa were biting their lips, trying to stop themselves from crying.  Alexander wanted to prove to daddy that he was a big boy.

As Vladmir posed for what would turn out to be the final shot and the one that would be used as the WordPress photo, his Freshly Pressed pants were now a bit creased from his being on the floor, he thought, “I hate you! You WordPress Bloggers! You can press this!  You want a challenge? I will give you a challenge.  Try leaving me and my family alone!”

After the reluctant but successful photo session, the Klichkos were allowed back into the house.  Vladmir did not feel very much like church anymore and the kids were no different. “Daddy, can we go upstairs and watch TV?”  Asked Alexander.  Vladmir was glad for the alone time to gather himself.  “Yes, go ahead.” He replied.  When they were gone and he was left by himself, he went over to the old relic of a computer he had in his study.  He opened up a browser and in the search box, he typed, ‘WordPress’.

That was my hurriedly written entry for the Weekly Writing Challenge.  I wrote it at work and had to rush it a bit.

Related:

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2012/11/05/weekly-writing-challenge-a-picture-is-worth-1000-words/

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The Lowdown On How To Be Freshly Pressed

Justin Bieber, Snoop Dog or even Porn are not going to get me featured on WordPress bloggers’ pedestal, Freshly Pressed.  I know this because I have read the blogs that got pressed.  I have my personal version of FP and it’s called,  ‘Recent Posts’, find it on my site.  But if you, like other fanatic bloggers out there, are seeking fame and fortune, read on for the lowdown on how to have your fifteen seconds of fame.

Do you have great photos? Scratch that, do you have some black and white pics of whatever?  The Twin Towers, a beach, somewhere?  Post it in a blog.  Doesn’t matter the content, the pictures will tell the story.  Photos of food, clothing, statues, animals, are also sure to get you noticed.  You don’t believe me? browse FP for yourself.

Recipes are another surefire means of getting some attention.  It doesn’t have to be of anything tasty or even legit.  Heck, make one up off the top of your head.  Be sure to use exotic ingredients and call it something different, like ‘How to make Mazxiikl’.  Oh and add pictures as you go along.  Pictures DO NOT have to match food.  A photo of a big mac will do.

Here’s a good one, travel blogs.  This is almost guaranteed to get you FP’d.   Now I am not saying to get up and leave the confines of your computer chair and book a trip just so  you could be one of the lucky few.  No no.  Google some pics of Greece, Rome, Italy, Zimbabwe, Rhodesia…  getting where I am going with this?  Make sure there is water, lakes, rivers, oceans and then describe each photo with something like this, ‘Took this shot from the window of our guest house.  What a lovely day it was.’  How fricking easy is that? And voila! you are on your way to counting stars.  I am almost jealous already.

Hmmm…before I go, let me see if I miss anything.  Stick men are good and so are books, politics and movies.  Don’t be hesitant, you need not know squat about any of them, most bloggers don’t either but they are on FP aren’t they? So go for it!  (Some people will try to tell you how you should follow this rule and that rule and use perfect english etc but it’s all nonsense.  Just a blog topic for them).

I can’t think of anymore right now but if I do, I will be sure to pass it on.   Good luck on your aspirations to be Freshly Pressed.  Read you later!

Note: Please don’t be too surprised if your blog lacks substance but still garners 300+ likes.